Crypto Confidence Soars After CEO Defrauds Customers Just Like Real Bank

[Zorro]

NEW YORK—In light of FTX Trading Limited’s announcement of bankruptcy amidst accusations of mishandling funds, crypto confidence reportedly soared Friday after investors realized that CEO Sam Bankman-Fried defrauded customers just like a real bank.

“I actually feel a lot more comfortable investing my hard-earned money knowing that this company has no reservations about recklessly gambling with it, just like a traditional banking institution would,” said 36-year-old crypto investor Daniel Palmederas, explaining that he was previously hesitant to invest in the decentralized and unregulated currency before learning that their exchange companies were happy to fuck over customers just like banks such as Wells Fargo.“

I mean, people are going to be losing their houses over this, so you know it’s the real deal. Once I heard that the CEO of the major crypto exchange company helped the FTC write the regulations for his own industry, I thought, ‘Well now, that’s a bank, straight up!’ I wasn’t completely sold on this before, but this is going to ruin tons of people and drive some to suicide, so I’m all in!”

At press time, sources confirmed that Adam McKay was furiously typing away at a script about the ordeal.

https://www.theonion.com/crypto-confidence-soars-after-ceo-defrauds-customers-ju-1849773647

[The Unmitigated Gall]

1. The Onion.

Skipping along the surface of plausibility, like a well-thrown rock.

[Otto_Harper]

2. That's the problem these days

I actually have to stop and check as to whether what I am reading is for real, or just satire. When you can no longer immediately tell the difference, I guess it just means we're living in Bizarro world.