General Discussion

TheFerret

(630 posts) Fri Dec 30, 2022, 11:09 PM Dec 2022

What Took You So Long, George Santos? (Ferret)

Well, the time has come to reflect upon the passing of another year. Doesn’t that sound fun? To relive every gem of Herschel Walkerian wisdom and Libs of TikTok bomb threat? Tár and Andor were pretty good, but my plan is to bang my head against the wall until I can’t remember who Mark Finchem is, and I’m willing to accept a fair amount of collateral damage.

(As is customary, links n’ shiny, shiny colors await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/what-took-you-so-long-george-santos/)

Y’know, I was so worried about what would happen to the country if the creeps n’ freaks actually won power in the midterms, I didn’t have any spare headspace to contemplate the poo-flinging-howler-monkeys-performing-Ionesco wackiness of the Republican civil war that would follow if they didn’t, so these last few weeks’ve been surprisingly delightful. I have a favorite circular firing squad now, which I never expected. It has been a show, y’all.

For example, Mike Lindell turning his crazed attention toward Ron DeSantis? Glorious! Like watermelon Oreos, that was something I had no idea I even wanted until I’d devoured half the bag.

Plus, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene are fighting. Feuding, even, WWF style. Like watching two shithouse rats go at it. Andy Biggs vs. MTG, too? What have I done to deserve such bounty? (A single tear of joy rolls down his cheek, somehow transforming at the end into a butterfly with radiant, crystalline wings.)

Shit, even Sean Hannity’s on the outs with the maniacal MAGA multitudes, for saying, of their holy, belovéd Big Lie, “I did not believe it for one second.” Gracious. I wouldn’t worry, bro, it’s not like there’s any sort of massive propaganda apparatus in this country, with a proven track record of inciting violence against enemies of the faithful. Hey, help me out, Sean, I forget sometimes, who signs your checks again?

Didja see Kevin McCarthy’s yapping little threat to his Republican colleagues in the Senate? You may’ve missed it, it was pretty hard to hear over the ball gag Marj makes him wear, but everyone was really impressed. Good luck in your big election next week, Kev; sure would be a shame if you fell victim to the very forces you’ve unleashed.

Congressdolt-elect George Santos, who is almost certainly going to turn out to be six marmots in a trench coat, is gonna fit right in, isn’t he? I don’t have space in this blog to keep up with all of Georgie’s “embellishments,” though I’ll grudgingly admit it was noble of him to save all those endangered whales from the Holocaust, but golly, how much do you have to suck to get frickin’ Tulsi shoving you out of the tent this hard? I mean, this is a pretty shitty tent we’re talkin’ about. It’s frankly a little weird you wanted in the tent in the first place.

Seems Nick Fuentes is inviting incels into the tent, because nothing screams “master race” quite like building your entire personality around being belligerently unfuckable. I mean, what’s one lie about your mom dying on 9/11 between incels? Pour yourself a glass of ivermectin and start writin’ laws, kiddo!

Viewed exclusively in terms of electability in a Republican primary, Mike Pence is like if Tim Pawlenty and Judas had a baby, but following politics in this day and age means consuming periodic masturbatory think pieces about his future in the party that tried to lynch him. It was Politico’s turn this week, but maybe we’ll get a real treat someday soon, and he’ll sit down with Chuck Todd to discuss Mother’s point of view on whether or not an encounter with Ashli Babbitt would’ve counted as being alone with another woman.

Meanwhile, Kari Lake’s Fair-to-Middling Lie shambles feebly on, attracting little attention, decisively losing in court here, inciting violence there, ho hum. Rapidly congealing conventional wisdom says she’s done, because “there’s no place for losers in Trumpworld,” as though MAGA culture was anything other than a resentment cult for losers.

Especially now, with the Diminished Dotard wallowing ineffectually in his own stink down in Marm-a-Lago, pretending to run for President, pushing the phantom Diet Coke button, watching Sunset Blvd. over and over, which is a little on the nose, if you ask me.

I see he’s now claiming to be “clairvoyant,” and I’m actually not willing to dismiss this one out of hand. Think about it, how else could he pass a cognitive test?

We finally got to see those tax returns, too, and when you think about it, Wee Donnie One-Term’s legal stall tactics have only just begun to run out of road. Tick tock, fuckhead.

Well, the January 6th committee wrapped up their work, making criminal referrals for Off-Brand Orbán and several of his dipshittiest collaborators. I certainly hope a copy of their report survives to be excavated by the alien archaeologists studying whatever remains of our stupid, stupid society in the far-flung future, though they’ll likely assume it’s just some trashy airport novel, and not a particularly believable one. “All the old, predictable Terran clichés: the Chief of Staff burning docs in the office fireplace, the lawyers advising their clients to lie; but we’re supposed to believe there’d be time during an attempted autogolpe to pursue petty revenge against an usher? Don’t insult my intelligence, I have 2.5 brains.”

MAGA Nation truly embraced the spirit of Xmas this year, between the resurrection of their treasured migrant trafficking stunt, the homophobic vandalism of NYC Councilman Erik Bottcher’s home, and the how-did-this-not-open-an-actual-portal-to-Hell collision of Tucker Carlson and stochastic supernova Chaya Raichik. Because they’re all such good Christians, you see.

They saved their Jesusest behavior for the visiting Volodymyr Zelensky, of course, because there’s nothing a modern right-winger hates more than being reminded that their dreams of violent domination will forever be stifled by their inescapable inadequacy at all human endeavors that require any skill beyond deceiving the braindead.

“What?” you may be thinking to yourself, “How addicted to Putin’s bloody taintsweat do you have to be to take his side against a global hero on the front lines of the fight against tyranny?” Well, you’ll have to ask Tucker Carlson about that. Or Tulsi Gabbard. Or Don Junior. Or Glenn Greenwald. Yeah. Folks like that. The kind of stuff we filter out at the sewage treatment plant, or “pundits” as they say on the Right.

Incidentally, kids, Plucky Underdog Triumphing Over Massive Imperial Oppressor was always going to resonate with the American public; it’s the story we’ve told about ourselves since our founding, and it says a lot about not just your values but your common fucking sense that you’ve hitched your wagons to the Murderous Autocrat Wants Him Some More Serfs narrative instead.

Anyway, next time Zelenksy swings by for ice cream and Patriot missiles, he should wear his best tan suit.

Czar Vladimir the Terrible (At His Job) is, of course, delighted to have so many useful idiots working on his behalf in America. I bet it’s almost as good as having an army that knows how to fight a war, though I suppose we’ll never know.

Don’t know how much longer that Musk fellow will remain useful, at the rate he’s burning through his billions. Dude was already skimping on shit like rent and janitorial services, and that was before he shared Putin lackey Dmitry Medvedev’s demented “predictions” thread on his $44 billion vanity platform, reminding investors he’s less Visionary Genius than Standoffish College Freshman Who Discovered Libertarianism Last Week and Thinks He’s John Galt Now.

I don’t want to move on from Russia without mentioning the “buckets of fecal water.” You know you’re a goshdang superpower when Lauren Boebert’s on your state teevee and the state of your domestic affairs necessitates discussion of…buckets. Of fecal water.

Thanks to Ben Shapiro, I now understand the centuries-old tropes of the murder mystery genre are a liberal conspiracy to make insecure conservative dudes embarrass themselves on the internet. Just about everything is a liberal conspiracy to make insecure conservative dudes embarrass themselves on the internet, really. Song lyrics. Shakespeare plays. Toy potatoes. Pretty effective conspiracy, too, I’d add.

You don’t have to fling yourself into a sputtering fury every time anything happens, you know. You’d be happier. I mean, life’s short. Would you really want to spend the last hours before your arrest for rape and human trafficking getting humiliated in front of the entire world by a 19-year-old girl?

For all the blithering fuckery, I think we’re ending 2022 on a pleasantly high note, and I’ve certainly enjoyed all the Holy Crud Is This Hope I’m Feeling? columns. I definitely feel safer knowing Barry Croft Jr. won’t be kidnapping any governors for the next 19 years or so.

Hopefully 2023 will see the conviction and incarceration of many more terrorists, weirdos, and terrorist weirdos. You stay safe out there, friends, because you deserve to see it.

PS: Definitely don’t want to be pushy about it, but we’ve expanded the Buy Cap a Beer a page, as some of you have been requesting. We’ve got PayPal and Venmo now, though of course I’m also always willing to replace any ungrateful children in your will.