Difficult family situation, regarding my recently deceased grandmother.

[Coventina]

I posted several months ago about my 99 year old grandmother passing away.

It fell to me to go through her jewelry...

The only item of *real* significance that she had was a locket she always wore. Inside of it were tiny photos of herself and her husband at the time of their marriage. It's probably not worth anything of significance monetarily, but anyone who knew her would recognize it as an integral part of "her."

I texted the family about it and asked if anyone wanted it and there were no responses via text (no bigee, as I said I was happy to keep it if no one else wanted it).

Later that day, my sister called me up and asked if her daughter could have it.

Some background info: Her daughter has disowned most of our family, and has been completely out of the picture since 2015.
Basically, she's mad at her mother (long story) and since her mother and I are super close, she's chosen to cut me out of her life as well.

I said, well, I'm not really in a good place with your daughter right now, and I don't even know why, aside from being collateral damage.

We continued to talk, but the conversation about what to do about the locket never got resolved.

I'm not inclined to give a cherished memento of my grandmother to a niece who refuses to have anything to do with me.

My sister acknowledges that, but her argument is that I have no living children, and her daughter is the one who is the rightful heir to a family heirloom like that. But, we don't even know if she actually wants it!

Am I being unreasonable?

on edit: typo

[Sky Jewels]

1. You're not being unreasonable. How about you propose that

you get the locket with the understanding that you will pass it on to your niece, eventually.

[Hugh_Lebowski]

7. Was gonna say nearly the exact same thing

I would add, on the other hand, it's technically just as much your sister's property as yours, so there's that. Assuming it wasn't willed to you I mean. And maybe there could be some goodwill gained with the niece as well?

Hope you get it sorted Coventina

[Coventina]

12. Thanks Hugh.

Of course, I do realize that.

We also have a female cousin, to whom it is just as much hers as well. She was part of the group text I sent, but she hasn't responded.

She has two boys, so they would be heirs as well. My sister said it should go to a female though.

I don't know that I agree. They really loved their great-grandmother too! I'd argue more than my niece, who took off to Alaska and, as far as I know, has never seen her great-grandmother since.

[Hugh_Lebowski]

20. Maybe consider 'auctioning it' ... not for money, but pick some other thing you need help with

in dealing w/the estate/belongings/cleanup/trips to storage units/the Goodwill, etc.

And say 'whichever of you helps me deal with XYZ can have the locket' type of thing?

[Cracklin Charlie]

25. I did that with a ring my mother in law left to me.

We shared a birthstone.

I told my sister in law that I will pass it to my niece (not my own granddaughters), because that niece also shares the birthstone.

No hard feelings.

[CottonBear]

2. Can you will it to your sister?

Then, she could, gift it to her daughter, which would hopefully be many years in the future.

[blm]

3. My personal take:

Keep it.
Will to your sister.
Let her pass it on to her daughter or granddaughter.

[intrepidity]

4. I mean, you could keep it for now, but leave it to her in *your* will. nt

[TygrBright]

5. Tell your sister you'll bequeath the locket to her daughter. n/t

[H2O Man]

6. Recommended.

No, you are not being "unreasonable."

I have a significant amount of experience in these situations. Not that I've been in the middle, so to speak, but have been close to people who have been -- and currently are.

In my opinion, you should keep the heirloom. If in the future you decide otherwise, that should be your decision, and your's alone, without any pressure from anyone else.

I could go on and on with details of a recent case (2023) involving one of my sons. Always here to talk, if you want.

[Coventina]

8. Thanks, H20 Man.

[H2O Man]

11. Glad to.

I could tell you some stories, all true. Same basic dynamics. People trying to manipulate emotions. As someone standing outside the frame of the picture you find yourself in, I can say that the best thing that you can do is to hold onto the heirloom.

[DURHAM D]

9. It needs to stay in the family so

give it to your sister.

[Croney]

10. I went through this recently with my mother's watch.

My sister and I came to an agreement. I'll keep it five years and then it's her turn.

Will she even remember the watch in five years? I doubt it.

[GoCubsGo]

13. What would your grandmother have wanted?

Was she mad at this kid? If not, I don't understand the problem here.

[Coventina]

15. She definitely disapproved of the way my niece treated my sister.

She never made any wishes for the locket known.

If I had to guess, she'd probably be surprised that we care about it at all.

She was very humble.

[SickOfTheOnePct]

14. To me

The question is t what kind of relationship your niece has with you, but rather what kind of relationship (if any) did your niece have with your grandmother?

If there was a decent relationship between the two of them, I would give it to her now. If not, I would will it to her later.

[Coventina]

18. Because my niece has forbidden the people that she DOES communicate with

say anything to ME, I really have no idea what her relationship was with her great-grandmother.

She very specifically instructs them that I am to be given no information.
No address, no phone number, no news, etc.

[malaise]

16. She's your grandmother but your niece's great grandmother

Isn't it more about passing it on for generations. Unless you have kids or grandkids pass it on and forget about you and your sister.
I know it's hard but look at the big picture. If you have kids or grandkids then give them

[H2O Man]

22. At some point,

that would seem the reasonable option. But just as Grandma held onto it, and got enjoyment out of it, our Good Friend here should do the same. And eventually leave it to the next generation.

In my extended family, my kids and I like to make terrible jokes. They, of course, have experiences from their extended families, larger than my own. Anyhow, when my younger son was first going to college, he asked me if I would leave my artifact collection to him when I die? As he has long had the greatest interest in it, I said sure thing. He said, "Well, could you hurry up? They's look great in my dorm."

[malaise]

26. That's a better idea

Let her know that it will eventually be left for her

[cyclonefence]

17. Have you tried talking to your niece?

This might be a good opportunity to heal the breach, too. Find out if she really wants it, would she be happy to wait to inherit it from you or her mother--why is she so interested in it, since she seems to have no interest in the family?

It's a chance for you to be the bigger person.

[Coventina]

19. She's forbidden anyone that has her contact info to give it to me.

I'm not allowed to have any contact info, or any news about her.

She could be a mom with kids by now, for all I know.

ETA: She has not asked for it. Her mom asked me to give it to her.

[cyclonefence]

27. Well, in that case I think you should keep it

leave it to whoever you choose. If your niece wants it, she should ask for it--tell her mother that!

[WhiskeyGrinder]

21. If the niece wants it and the locket itself is neither here nor there for you, I can't see why she

shouldn’t have it tbh.

[Coventina]

23. She has not expressed any interest in it.

This is her estranged mother (my sister) asking me to give it to her.

I was definitely going to keep it unless another heir wanted it.

My niece has not expressed an interest. She doesn't even want her own things from her mother.

[ForgedCrank]

24. Don't consider

this advice, I'm only stating how I think about such issues.
I removed myself and my feelings from these decisions and asked myself what the deceased would want.
It was their property, memories, life and relationships, not mine. The only thing that is important to me is doing what the deceased would have been happiest with.
This forced me to make some decisions that I disagreed with personally, but I rest easy knowing I fulfilled the wishes of the deceased to the best of my ability without any prejudices, and I did not allow my personal feelings to betray any of that. It's not easy, and it might irritate others in some cases, but I couldn't see any other way to do it and know it was right.