Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 3: The Twisted World Of Mike Johnson

[Top 10 Idiots]

Last edited Tue Nov 21, 2023, 02:26 PM - Edit history (1)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 3: The Twisted World Of Mike Johnson

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know when we first heard that Louisiana’s Mike Johnson was going to be the new Speaker Of The House, we did not hesitate to do a deep dive into his religious beliefs, and they were pretty much exactly what we expected. But one thing we didn’t count on was something completely unexpected that showed up under our radar – the Christian spyware industry. And apparently with that in mind, we’ve got a lot to unpack here. Remember when I said that our new House Speaker has given us no shortage of material to work with? Well he so far has yet to disappoint. With that in mind, this is what our spinoff series was made for! Because Mike Johnson, and the people who vote for him, do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS! No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! So let’s quit yer bullshit and get right to it, shall we?

So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week, obviously we’re going to talk about the core beliefs of the man who is the Speaker Of The House and now third in line for the Presidency Of The United States, Louisiana’s Mike Johnson (1) and my god, where did Fox News find this guy from? We have a megachurch pastor as the Speaker now! And since becoming speaker, Mr. Johnson has brought to light a really controversial and scary anti-porn spyware app called Covenant Eyes (2) that is every bit as horrible as it sounds. And to lighten the mood around here, in the third slot this week, we’re going to bring you some more tales of Youth Pastors Gone Wild (3), because like Florida Man keeps getting arrested for stupidity, Youth Pastors get arrested for perversion! And to top things off, in the number 4 slot, we’re going to answer your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we live in some very trying times. Especially when there’s a hostile news network with authoritarian interests trying to take over every single branch of the US government. And last week, they got the hard lined Speaker Of The House that they always wanted after 19 days of not having one, the largest period in US history since the Civil War! Well we come now to our new hard lined authoritarian speaker Mike Johnson. And just like you, last week, I had the same question as everyone else: who the fuck is this guy? Well he’s now third in line for the presidency of the United States. And he’s a MAGA loyalist who unequivocally supports the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But here’s the thing – you know you done fucked up when even members of your own religion say that you don’t represent them! Yes, there’s been a petition of over 12,000 American Christians that have said that MAGA Mike Johnson doesn’t represent them.

Newly elected Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has been extremely vocal about his strict Christian beliefs, going so far as to say that reading the Bible will teach you everything there is to know about his world view. But an online Christian group called Faithful America isn't buying it, launching a petition to condemn him as a false prophet.

According to Newsweek, the group is in the midst of their second-annual "False Prophets Don't Speak for Me" campaign, which aims to show that false prophets "will never speak for Jesus" for the Christian community.

Alongside Johnson — for whom they've collected over 12,000 signatures in favor of condemnation — they've listed other Christian-nationalist leaders such as Donald Trump, Fox News host Laura Ingraham, Ohio Representative Jim Jordan and co-founder of Moms for Liberty, Bridget Ziegler.

"It's hard to overstate the threat that anti-democracy, anti-freedom Christian nationalism poses to both democracy and the church today, especially now that Rep. Mike Johnson has become the most Christian-nationalist speaker in U.S. history,"

Read more: https://www.salon.com/2023/11/05/online-christian-group-petitions-to-condemn-mike-johnson-as-a-false-prophet/?in_brief=true

Ah, there in lies the conundrum, my fair congregation! See, you know the old saying is that the Devil is in the details, but in our Good Book, it says that JAYSUS once said that you should be NOT like the hypocrites who preach on street corners! Because the good LAWRD would not want that now would he, and in the eyes of GAWD, Mike Johnson is yet another in the long list of Christian hypocrites who claim to worship GAWD, but really they worship the unholy Dark One. Now here’s where it gets weird, and you knew that it was going to. Apparently Mrs. Johnson runs her own religious “consulting” firm, and you know the kind of religion that is. You all know, it’s the “do as I say, not as I do” variety. You know very well that your religion cannot coerce someone into making “the right choice”, we all know that’s 100% grade A, FDA certified bullshit!

Kelly Johnson, the wife of the newly elected House speaker, ran a Christian counseling service that is affiliated with an organization that advocates against abortion and homosexuality and whose practices are built on the teachings of the Greek physician Hippocrates.

It is not clear if Kelly Johnson will continue her practice. Not long after Rep. Mike Johnson became House speaker last week, Kelly Johnson's website became inaccessible. Johnson, her husband of more than 24 years, rose overnight from a virtually obscure House lawmaker to the position that is second in line to the presidency. The couple is deeply religious; both Kelly and Mike Johnson previously worked with religious organizations and causes the religious right advocates for. Along with her counseling, Johnson is also listed as an advisor to the Louisiana Right for Life, an anti-abortion organization.

Kelly Johnson's website listed a specialty in Temperament counseling, a specialty that she received training for from an organization founded in the 1980s by a Christian couple. According to the materials the organization provides, the National Christian Counselor's Association is adamant that its offerings take place outside of more traditional state-licensed settings so that counselors and clients can be fully engaged through their faith.
https://news.yahoo.com/kelly-johnson-married-house-speaker-154047595.html

Which that, I can assure you, my friends, it is most definitely NOT! But this hypocrisy surrounding our new Speaker is massively insane. And here’s the thing, Speaker Johnson, if you’re not prepared to be in the spotlight for any length of time, you’d better get used to it. You’re third in line for the presidency of the United States now! People are going to find out about your affairs and when they do, it’s not going to be pretty by any stretch of the imagination, no sir! In fact here’s one of his more extreme beliefs that could potentially backfire on him big time if enacted. Remember – NOWHERE in the United States Constitution does it say any of this!

The elevation of Rep. Mike Johnson (R-La.) to House speaker was a shocker. Not since John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate has a heretofore little-known politician been lifted so quickly to a position of prominence and importance. Though Johnson now is second in the line of presidential succession, we’re still finding out basic and important facts about him and how he sees the world. This includes his alarming record as a hardcore conservative cultural warrior, motivated by a Christian fundamentalist belief, who has fiercely opposed gay rights (comparing homosexuality to pedophilia), called for a total nationwide ban on abortion, proposed the end of no-fault divorce, and urged a return to “18th century values.” One more significant thing I’ve discovered is that Johnson appears to believe in a religious litmus test for politicians.

This weekend I broke the news that Johnson and his wife, Kelly Johnson, a self-described Christian counselor, a few years ago created a seminar that promoted the premise that the United States has been a “Christian nation.” I found a video of one of these sessions they held in 2019 at the Baptist church they belong to in Bossier City, Louisiana. At that event, from the pulpit, Kelly declared that “biblical Christianity”—that is, a literal reading of the Bible as fundamentalists interpret it—is the only “valid worldview,” and nothing else makes sense. (This worldview includes creationism—believing that the Earth was created by God in six days 6,000 years ago—and the denial of evolution.) Mike Johnson called for “biblically sanctioned government.” In this venue and many others, including a podcast they have hosted together, the pair have contended that there is only one truth: “Jesus’ truth.”

The Johnsons are diehard fundamentalists who believe every religion other than their brand of Christianity is false and that whatever is written in the Bible should dictate all conduct, rules, policies, and laws. As I reported earlier, Mike Johnson in 2016 exclaimed, “We’re living in a completely amoral society.” The only way out, according to him and Kelly, is to abide by the Bible.
https://link.motherjones.com/public/33196514

Now we haven’t even got to the worst of it, yet! Oh no, not by a long shot, my fair congregation! So we’ve established that Mike Johnson is a MAGA religious bigot of the highest order. He does not abide by the Constitution or the Bible. In fact, he only serves his masters at News Corporation. But here’s the thing, you can’t defend extremism no matter how hard you try. It’s impossible. Even the MAGA Taliban extremists who put him into office are having a hard time defending the old school fire and brimstone version of Christianity that they so practice. The kind that made Speaker Johnson say those evil and horrible things! So yeah this is the internet, guys! There are no take backs!

The sudden elevation of Rep. Mike Johnson, R-La., to House speaker pushed his record's vetting to after his election. So it was only once he became second in line to the presidency that most people learned Johnson played a key role in the House’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election, is virulently anti-abortion and anti-LGBTQ Americans, and has promoted teaching the Bible as a history book in public schools.

Now Johnson and his allies are hitting back against his critics. Remarkably, their response to the exposure of Johnson’s turbocharged theo-politics is not to argue that media reports exaggerate or misapprehend his record as a lawyer or legislator, or his intentions as speaker. Instead, Johnson’s closest allies are amplifying his extreme views, and recasting them as mainstream “truths” that are beyond challenge.

This week Johnson gave an interview to the Daily Signal, the news site of the Heritage Foundation, an agenda-setting hub for the right, and particularly the religious right. Johnson was able to “open up,” as the Daily Signal’s Mary Margaret Olohan put it, about how his Christian faith “informs his politics.” While he’s hardly been tight-lipped about that topic, this fresh clarification of his central political philosophy makes his rapid, uninterrogated ascension even more worrisome.
https://www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/mike-johnson-christian-speaker-rcna123249

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know the last couple of weeks we’ve been following the bizarre saga surrounding Louisiana’s Mike Johnson. Yes, he was once an unknown representative in Congress. Now he’s the new House Speaker and third in line for the Presidency Of The United States, and I don’t need to tell you that he’s given us no shortage of material for the next several editions of our fine program. For Mr. Johnson does not represent GAWD or JAYSUS. No! he represents the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! I say DARE NOT, good sir! But after last week’s sermon, we got absolutely flooded with requests to do a deep dive on the subject of this week’s sermon. Snooping. Is it OK to? So we turn to our Good Book for this one, and it does say thou shalt not snoop. OK maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I am saying. But this is one of the more bizarre aspects of the man who is now third in line for the United States presidency. And while we do want to say we’re shocked about this kind of thing, it’s not really that shocking. We know that fundamentalist Christians are prone to exercising their sexual urges, and we know they can easily give into temptation. And our man Mike Johnson isn’t much different from any of us. But he does have an interesting quirk.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted that he and his son monitored each other’s porn intake in a resurfaced clip from 2022.

During a conversation on the “War on Technology” at Benton, Louisiana’s Cypress Baptist Church — unearthed by X user Receipt Maven last week — the Louisiana representative talked about how he installed “accountability software” called Covenant Eyes on his devices in order to abstain from internet porn and other unsavory websites.

“It scans all the activity on your phone, or your devices, your laptop, what have you; we do all of it,” Johnson told the panel about the app.

“It sends a report to your accountability partner. My accountability partner right now is Jack, my son. He’s 17. So he and I get a report about all the things that are on our phones, all of our devices, once a week. If anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice. I’m proud to tell ya, my son has got a clean slate.”
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/mike-johnson-son-monitor-porn-intake-covenant-eyes-1234870634/

Yeah now this represents a rather interesting phenomenon that ONLY seems to affect Christian men. So remember what I said about giving into temptation? They seem to be doing that, but on a rather regular basis. Like seriously how perverted are you that you can’t look at your phone for five minutes without wanting to venture into looking at porn that you need a software app that essentially acts as the angel on your shoulder? Well in this case, there’s also the devil, but the devil pimp slapped the angel Will Smith style and sent him packing. The interesting thing about this app is that it’s marketed directly to Mike Johnson types.

Last weekend, a 2022 interview with new Speaker of the House Mike Johnson recirculated, in which the ascendant Republican leader described how he and his son monitor each other’s porn-viewing habits. Specifically, they use software called Covenant Eyes to make sure neither of them looks at smut online. Sort of like a Netflix subscription, Covenant Eyes is $17 per month for a family plan that allows up to 10 users on unlimited devices to keep an eye on each other in case a sinful mood strikes. It doesn’t block pornographic websites (you have to pay for an “add-on” feature for that)—the software instead tracks browser history and sends a report to an “accountability partner” of your choosing. For Johnson, that person was his son. And for his son, his accountability partner was his dad.

The subsequent headlines about the interview make the story sound outré and salacious: “The House speaker admitted to a wild new detail about his personal life,” one read. But in the world Johnson occupies—conservative evangelical Christianity, and its particular dictums about men and masculinity—porn accountability software is commonplace, not something to be ashamed of but rather a ubiquitous technology to live by. I’ve written previously about how and why so-called pornography addiction is considered normal among evangelical men (and the sometimes tragic consequences of this framing). The revelation that Johnson and his son used Covenant Eyes should not be surprising—but it is telling, not only about the man but the kind of leader he aims to be.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/11/mike-johnson-republican-speaker-interview-covenant-eyes.html

Now look, we don’t mean to kink shame, but whatever floats your boat, am I right? To me what’s really insane is that Christian males get off (phrasing!) on this kind of thing. But one thing we did discover in doing our research for this segment is that Covenant Eyes apparently has a fan base. He’s got coooooooooooovenant eyes… yes he’s coooooooooooooovenant eyes… OK I’ll refrain from singing that song any further. But the thing that we’re wondering about all of this is – of all the people who you could choose to be your porno accountability partner, why do you choose your dad? That just opens up all sorts of creepy and weird vibes.

Newly-elected House Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., in a recently surfaced video from 2022 shared how he and his 17-year-old son, Jack, hold each other accountable when it comes to their porn intake by using a third-party software called Covenant Eye to patrol all of their electronic devices. The app creates a monthly habit report for a designated "accountability partner," according to The New Republic. "What it does, real simply, is it has an algorithm and a software—it’s way above my head how it works, but—it scans, you obviously opt into it, but it scans all the activity on your phone or your devices, your laptop, what have you. We do all of it. Then it sends a report to your accountability partner,” Johnson said in the clip. “My accountability partner right now is Jack, my son. He’s 17. So he and I get a report about all the things that are on our phones, all of our devices, once a week. If anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice,” he added. “I’m proud to tell ya, my son has got a clean slate,”

Some Twitter/X users raised security concerns over the House speaker's use of the app. "A US Congressman is allowing a 3rd Party tech company to scan ALL of his electronic devices daily and then uploading reports to his son about what he's watching or not watching.... I mean, who else is accessing that data?" one user questioned. "'Covenant Eyes' – a third party software monitoring all your devices, Mike Johnson? – WTAF?! With any public office holder, but particularly someone who's second in line to the Presidency, this is a profound national security risk," another user wrote.
https://www.salon.com/2023/11/07/mike-johnson-and-his-sons-use-of-app-to-monitor-each-others-porn-intake-sparks-questions/

Yeah I’ll say! But again, we don’t mean to kink shame, but this software is insane. And we mentioned earlier that it has celebrity fans like Josh Duggar and Lamar Odom, and we all know how well that worked out for them. Did I mention that this man is third in line for the presidency? We could spend all day talking about this, and we will, don’t you worry! In fact, we may have to do a deep dive on the subject in the future, because there’s a lot of these Christian accountability apps and they all have jobs, and their job is to keep you safe… from yourself. And your manly urges and temptations. Do not be afraid to give in, give in!!!

Covenant Eyes is part of a multimillion-dollar ecosystem of so-called accountability apps. These apps are marketed to both churches and parents as tools to police online activity, and they charge a monthly fee to do so. Some of these apps monitor everything their users see and do on their devices, even taking screenshots (at least one per minute, in the case of Covenant Eyes) and eavesdropping on web traffic, WIRED found. The apps then report a feed of all of the users’ online activity directly to a chaperone—an “accountability partner,” in the apps’ parlance. When WIRED presented its findings to Google, however, the company determined that two of the top accountability apps—Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You—violate its policies.

The omniscience of Covenant Eyes soon weighed heavily on Hao-Wei Lin, who has since left Gracepoint. Within a month of installing the app, he started receiving accusatory emails from his church leader referencing things he had viewed online. “Anything you need to tell me?” reads one email Hao-Wei Lin shared with WIRED. Attached was a report from Covenant Eyes that detailed every single piece of digital content Hao-Wei Lin had consumed the prior week. It was a trail of digital minutiae accumulated from nights spent aimlessly browsing the internet, things Hao-Wei Lin could barely remember having seen—and would have forgotten about had a member of his Church not confronted him. The church leader zeroed in on a single piece of content that Covenant Eyes had flagged as “Mature”: Hao-Wei Lin had searched “#Gay” on a website called Statigr.am, and the app had flagged it.
https://www.wired.com/story/covenant-eyes-anti-porn-accountability-monitoring-apps/

?w=580

So there is a devil among us, and that devil is you! You are your own devil according to the newly unfolding Christian spyware industry! Give in to temptation, my fair congregation! Give in! You only live once!


[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The Christian Spyware Industry

[br] [/font] [br]

You know, when we first heard about Mike Johnson and the controversial Covenent Eyes app, we knew that we had to do a deep dive into the Christian accountability spyware industry. And there is a lot of this shit out there. But here’s the thing that we’ve learned about white Christians, especially the men, over the years, is that they easily give into temptation. Covenant Eyes is one of the more popular spyware apps out there. But there’s tons of accountability apps out there, whether your temptation is food, porn, booze, you name it. So before we get into it, we got to ask – where is this shit coming from? And more importantly – why do those who say that we must NOT give into temptation are the ones who so easily give into temptation? Well, my fair congregation, the answer to the second question is a lot more complicated than the answer to the first question. The answer to the first question is much easier because this is where this shit is coming from. It’s from a company called Owosso Software that’s made in Owosso, Michigan. And use of the software is not cheap. It’s very expensive to use. So don’t give quite easily into temptation, my fair congregation!

It's the latest curiosity to emerge about the new speaker, an evangelical Christian from Louisiana who was not well-known nationwide until his sudden ascent to the top job on Capitol Hill.

But while Johnson's "covenant marriage" is fairly unique, his use of porn-tracking software is actually not, and religious conservatives quickly noted as much after Rolling Stone wrote a short story about it on Sunday.

There are several different apps — known as "accountability" software — that allow for this sort of monitoring, including Covenant Eyes, Accountable2You, and EverAccountable.
According to WIRED, more than 50,000 people downloaded Covenant Eyes in 2022, and the company is said to boast hundreds of thousands of users, including retired NBA champion Lamar Odom.
https://www.businessinsider.com/speaker-mike-johnson-porn-software-common-religious-right-evangelical-2023-11

Now this raises an interesting question – why would someone need to be held accountable for their actions? You would think that the average person would be able to control their basic impulses, but it seems like that kind of thing gets thrown out the window when you get baptized. So now we must ask the question – why give into temptation? Why not? You only live once! But there’s a lot more to this hideous app than what appears to be on the surface. In fact the more you know about Covenant Eyes and other surveillance apps, the weirder it gets, and the more you wish you didn’t know about these things!

The app’s terms of service don’t allow it to be used in a “premeditated legal setting,” but WIRED found that courts in Washington, Montana, and Ohio have each ordered a defendant to use the software at least once and Colorado courts have purchased services from Covenant Eyes 60 times since 2017.

And in Monroe County, Indiana, WIRED reported on the case of a man whose entire family was required to install Covenant Eyes on their devices as a condition of his pretrial release from jail. WIRED used only the wife’s nickname, Hannah, to protect the family’s privacy.

Hannah’s husband was charged with possession of child sexual abuse material. To ensure he complied with the court’s order that he not access any electronic devices, the Monroe County’s Pretrial Services Program installed Covenant Eyes on the phones of Hannah, her two children, and her mother-in-law.

The app sent probation officers screenshots of everything the family did on their phones—from videos Hannah’s 14-year-old daughter watched on YouTube to her 80-year-old mother-in-law’s online shopping for underwear, according to WIRED.
https://eji.org/news/use-of-app-to-monitor-accused-people-and-their-families-raises-concerns/

Yeah remember that episode of South Park where Butters’ parents think that he’s doing some terrible stuff behind closed doors so they send him to that Christian anti-gay camp and he has to have an “accountability buddy”, but that accountability buddy is really fucked up? Well it’s kind of like that, and this is not what GAWD or JAYSUS would want now is it? Now that case is aolso extremely frightening because that case is particularly frightening. Covenant Eyes and other surveillance monitoring apps aren’t just merely innocent anti-porn monitoring tools. They’re legit spyware. Even actual security experts raise concerns about this app.

Covenant Eyes doesn’t permit its software to be used in a “premeditated legal setting,” such as monitoring people on probation, according to its terms of service. But public spending documents, court records, and interviews show that courts in at least five US states have used Covenant Eyes to surveil the devices of people who are awaiting trial or released on parole.

Neither Covenant Eyes nor multiple officials in Monroe County responded to repeated requests for comment and detailed questions about the app’s monitoring.

While the use of Covenant Eyes in a criminal-legal setting likely only represents a tiny fraction of the hundreds of thousands of people under court-ordered electronic surveillance, the stakes are still high for those required to use it. The app’s accuracy could determine whether a loved one lives at home or behind bars. Legal experts say that its use raises serious constitutional and due process concerns.

“This is the most extreme type of monitoring that I’ve seen,” says Pilar Weiss, founder of the National Bail Fund Network, a network of over 90 community bail and bond funds across the United States. “It’s part of a disturbing trend where deep surveillance and social control applications are used pretrial with little oversight.”
https://www.wired.com/story/anti-porn-covenant-eyes-bond-revoked/

Yeah so in this day and age when your phone can be your accountability buddy, it’s not exactly something that should be inspiring. No, it should be frightening. Because remember that case that was mentioned in the previous story? It’s far more frightening under the surface than it seems. If a judge, church, or school wants to install this app on your phone, don’t just walk… run the other way as quickly as possible. This is some truly frightening stuff, and the people who can see your data are definitely not the ones who you want seeing your data.

Covenant Eyes is part of a multimillion-dollar ecosystem of so-called accountability apps. These apps are marketed to both churches and parents as tools to police online activity, and they charge a monthly fee to do so. Some of these apps monitor everything their users see and do on their devices, even taking screenshots (at least one per minute, in the case of Covenant Eyes) and eavesdropping on web traffic, WIRED found. The apps then report a feed of all of the users’ online activity directly to a chaperone—an “accountability partner,” in the apps’ parlance. When WIRED presented its findings to Google, however, the company determined that two of the top accountability apps—Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You—violate its policies.

The omniscience of Covenant Eyes soon weighed heavily on Hao-Wei Lin, who has since left Gracepoint. Within a month of installing the app, he started receiving accusatory emails from his church leader referencing things he had viewed online. “Anything you need to tell me?” reads one email Hao-Wei Lin shared with WIRED. Attached was a report from Covenant Eyes that detailed every single piece of digital content Hao-Wei Lin had consumed the prior week. It was a trail of digital minutiae accumulated from nights spent aimlessly browsing the internet, things Hao-Wei Lin could barely remember having seen—and would have forgotten about had a member of his Church not confronted him. The church leader zeroed in on a single piece of content that Covenant Eyes had flagged as “Mature”: Hao-Wei Lin had searched “#Gay” on a website called Statigr.am, and the app had flagged it.

Gracepoint, which focuses on colleges, claims to “serve students” on more than 70 campuses across the United States. According to emails between a Covenant Eyes representative and a former Gracepoint church leader that WIRED reviewed, the company said that in 2012 as many as 450 Gracepoint Church members were signed up to be monitored through Covenant Eyes.
https://www.wired.com/story/covenant-eyes-anti-porn-accountability-monitoring-apps/

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven
[br] [/font] [br]



My fair congregation! We come now to the end of our service! But before we go, you know that we love to hit up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven, which is our official prayer line. If you want to know where to hit us up, you can find us on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10 @mstdn.party. For those of you new to our fine program, the following is a free form segment where we answer your prayers and just generally shoot the breeze, and hopefully play you some clips of Christian pastors and talk show hosts saying some really bizarre stuff that they probably don’t mean, but that doesn’t mean that someone will believe the crazy things that they say! But we welcome any and all prayers and we appreciate the fans. Don’t be afraid to hit us up, whether it’s about the news of the day or you need your answers to your ever most burning questions! Don’t forget we also offer grievance counseling, but this is a comedy show! Let’s open it up and go to the floor, shall we?

Larry T. from Royal Oak, Michigan writres:

Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like my fundamentalist friends really do live on another plane of existence? I really do feel like they live in an alternate reality.”

Well, Brother Larry, that is a very complicated question with no easy answers. In all of the years that we’ve been doing this, it seems like Christians are increasingly just flat out rejecting reality. That may seem a bit harsh, and it does seem like we target Christians a lot, but it’s the truth. And their loyalty to the unholy Dark One just proves how out of touch with reality they are. It’s truly insane that they claim to be children of GAWD but then they reject all common sense in their love of the Dark One and their rejection of facts and logic. But when you have people like David Barton and Bob Good filling your head with garbage, then these things happen.

Melinda P. from Fallbrook, California writes::

“Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like the right wing is moving even further right on the abortion issue despite that it lost big in the elections this week? Is there any reason for that?”

Well, Sister Melinda, again this is a good question and it’s one that we’re planning a deep dive on in one of our future sermons. But it seems since the death of one of the greatest Supreme Court justices of all time, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that the right wing has recently become like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown when it comes to this issue. And while last week’s election should have been a slap in the face to pro-abortion activists, instead they’re doubling down on their nonsense. In fact as we often say around here, the cruelty is the point!

Tim O.. from Albuquerque, New Mexico writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I love Taylor Swift. In fact I even went to three shows on her most recent tour. So why do I get strange looks when I wear my Taylor Swift shirts around my MAGA friends?”

Brother Tim, it seems that the hardcore religious MAGA community has turned on Taylor Swift because she’s dating Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Travis Kelce. And Mr. Kelce recently inked a deal doing advertising for Pfizer, who is the scourge of the MAGA community because of the COVID-19 vaccines, and we all know that religious people and anti-vaxxer conspiracy theories go hand in hand. Plus it might also have something to do with her worshipping SAYTAN and performing satanic rituals.

Our final prayer this week comes from:

Anna Q. from Henderson, NV writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Whatever happened to that My Pillow guy? My religious friends admire him but I think that guy has a screw loose or two. Is he still around?”

Sister Anna, yes, we are more than familiar with the dealings and conspiracy theories peddled by Mr. Lindell. He’s still around, apparently doing everything but selling pillows. Instead, while his company is tanking, he’s selling some absolutely bonkers tin foil hat election monitoring devices and giving two day seminars on them. Plus, he’s apparently still trying to overthrow the 2020 election.

Thank you my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! We will return on Sunday, December 3rd with a brand new episode about Christians and climate change and we'll take a look at the controversial ReAwaken America tour!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded Live At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon: [e-mail]
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: [e-mail]
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: [e-mail]


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

[czarjak]

1. David Barton,

Being right means never having to say you're sorry. Believe with all your heart all you want. But we're right and you're a dumbass.