I'm the worm that ate part of RFK Jr.'s brain, and I'm asking for your vote (Alexandra Petri)

[muriel_volestrangler]

There's a gift link for this here: https://balloon-juice.com/2024/05/11/saturday-evening-open-thread-the-rfklown-jr-show-is-irresistible-to-comedians/

When I first arrived here, I was so excited to discover all the knowledge that the human brain must hold. But when I looked around, all I saw were conspiracy theories and mercury poisoning. Candidly, if you had said, “What do you recommended the holder of this brain do next?” I would not have said, “Run for president.” I would have said, “Get somebody else to do that. This person should go sit down.”

That is why, today, I have an announcement to make. I am eliminating the middle man and running for president myself. Yes, I am the worm that ate part of RFK Jr.’s brain, and I’m asking for your vote. I am the only candidate brave enough to say: I am a parasitic worm, and I don’t understand what is best for the country.
...
To those who reply, “We don’t actually know that! That’s just what the symptoms are consistent with! We haven’t done a complete examination of the exact type of worm that died in Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain after eating part of it,” I say: That is fair, and I am worm enough to grant it to you. Thank you, and I hope to receive your vote in November. Please just write in “Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s WORM, NOT THE MAN, THE WORM” on your ballot. As long as you are throwing away your vote, throw it away on a worm. That’s also my slogan.
...
RFK Jr. has justified his candidacy by saying that people are overwhelmingly frustrated with the options presented to them and need a third choice. Well, I see that third choice and raise you a fourth choice: a candidate you can trust not to have any brain worms because that candidate is a brain worm. I am also not currently under indictment for any reason.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/05/09/rfk-brain-worm-kennedy-satire-petri/

[greatauntoftriplets]

1. That poor worm.

Of all the brains he could have been trapped in, he scored RFK, Jr.'s. Sad.

[grumpyduck]

2. Well, considering that whatever the worm ate

had to come out the other end, I have a pretty good idea of what the term "shit for brains" means.

[sop]

3. A presidential candidate admitting a worm ate part of his brain is almost as stupid as saying you shot a dog.

[Nasruddin]

6. You would think

But then this is America, 2024 ...
And only in America can a worm come from nothing and eat himself into the Presidency of the United States!

[emulatorloo]

4. Petri is the best! Thanks for the gift link.

[enough]

5. Her best ever! Thanks for the link.

[Sogo]

7. Must be the ghost of the worm

because you ate the brain stuff and then died....

What's that say about that brain stuff????

[Sessuch]

8. Poor worm ate Kennedy's brain and starved to death

[Conjuay]

9. You certainly aren't the first parasitic worm to run for office

Look no further than the House GOP.

[sop]

10. The Worm Left a "Scathing Yelp Review of RFK Jr.'s Brain"

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In the latest setback for Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential bid, a worm who dined in the candidate’s brain wrote a brutal Yelp review shortly before dying, the reviewing site confirmed on Monday.

The worm’s review began on a discouraging note, claiming that Kennedy’s brain was “almost impossible to find.”

“Once I managed to get there, I couldn’t believe how cramped it was,” the worm continued. “I’m all for intimate dining but this place was ridiculously tiny.”

The worm also slammed the noise level in the candidate’s brain, complaining, “I couldn’t hear myself think with all the different voices in there.”

With one star, Kennedy’s brain ranks last in Yelp’s “Worm Dining” category, tied with Kristi Noem’s brain.