"If you say you are gay in public you will be shot in the head." My bittersweet anniversary.

[Teacher of the Year]

Yesterday was my 10th wedding anniversary. My wedding was very bitter. It was not very sweet.

In 2014 I was named the Oregon State Teacher of the Year.

With that came an order from my supervisor. She told me if I said I was gay in public I would be "shot in the head." She then told me I would be fired if I said it publicly. I was ordered to not speak any words in public without her permission. I was ordered not to write any words without written permission. I was not allowed to talk to any person she did not approve of. I was ordered to bring all mail from home for her to read my personal correspondences. I stopped writing on DU because of this. It was like living in the book 1984.

On May first of 2014 I received White House Honors. I had my portrait taken with President Obama. I was in a bit of a daze as I watched the other Teachers of the Year as they moved through the most important day of their lives. My day was different. If the press ran a picture of me and my soon-to -be-husband, I would probably be fired. If I said anything about being gay I would probably be fired. Actually, if I said anything, I would be fired because I did not have permission to speak.

After the ceremony we were introduced to the international press that covered the White House. We were asked if we wanted to say anything about our students. I watched as other teachers spoke so easily about their lives and work. I was lost in thoughts of the past. I thought of my best friend at 15, Mark. I thought of the last time I saw him, when he came out to me and then drove away on his motorcycle. He killed himself that weekend. I thought, "What if Mark had seen a gay teacher? What if by seeing that teacher he knew he was not alone?"

As I stood on the White House steps, it was Mark I was seeing, not the day in front of me. I stepped to the microphone and made, what was to be, my declaration of war with my school district. "As one of the first openly gay Teachers of the Year..." I began, and then I discussed how anti-gay laws are hurting LGBTQ youth and it needed to stop.

On the steps of the White House I fired my first shot but the the next month would be a battle.

On May 17, 2014, gay marriage became legal in Oregon. Against my district's orders, I wrote on Facebook, "I'm getting married today." We headed downtown to City Hall to get our license. The press was there waiting for us and they followed my husband and I through the entire day. At our ceremony there were more tv cameras than guests. We were promised a private room but the press pushed their way in and refused to leave. The venue told us we would either have to get married in front of the cameras or we would have to go somewhere else to get married.

My shy husband, traumatized by all the cameras, looked at me and said, "I have waited a long time to marry you." He made the decision and as we started our vows the cameras started rolling. We were married on live tv. The Oregonian ran 45 pictures on their website.

While my husband and I slept the photos went round the world. Headlines like "Oregon Teacher of the Year marries his long-term partner" bounced around the internet. Some people were enraged. Some of those people I worked for.

My vows violated my school district's orders. I spoke in public without their permission. I kissed my husband, at my wedding, on live tv. A kiss heard round the world. I would soon be fired. The death threats would come after. But for a day, 10 years ago, I was a newlywed with a ring on my finger. And despite the difficulties of the day, we rested easy knowing that there would be young LGBTQ people who would see the pictures and the videos and they would see a possible future for themselves. Gay people can be professionals. They can be teachers. They can be Teacher of the Year with a handsome husband on their arm.

I wish my friend Mark could have seen us. His life would have been...

Well, I was going to say more but that sums it up. His life would have been.

[underpants]

1. Outstanding. Congratulations and thank you.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[1WorldHope]

2. How mean and cruel people can be. That school administration needs to be sued.

Keep your head held high and walk on in dignity. Shame on them.

[Teacher of the Year]

3. I did not sue them, I fought them

When I was done there was only one administrator in my chain of command left and the public wiped out a good chunk of the school board in the election that happened while all of this was going on.

[1WorldHope]

7. I'm glad to hear that most of them were voted out!

Happy anniversary!!!

[Teacher of the Year]

47. Thank you!

[Biophilic]

4. Good for you and your husband. Thank you.

The world needs more people like you who are brave enough to stand public to support others who can’t.

[SWBTATTReg]

5. I encourage you to write the story of yours (and your other half too) and get it printed. Such bigotry and hatred

deserve to be revealed so all can know of how that School District treated you so hatefully. God, what hateful treatment. They deserve just a tiny bit of the hatred that you received from them.

In a way, I think Mark saw you, where he is now.

I still can't believe that they wanted to read all of your personal mail, and/or invade your personal space so much. This does sound like a giant lawsuit against her and the Oregon State. I can't believe that they are so invasive, so hateful in the manner you described. Perhaps grab yourselves a good attorney, and start going after all of these hateful and vengeful evil spirits.

AND, as a final note. Congratulations are in order to the two of you! My other half (the better half) and I have been together now starting our 38th year, and of course, we wish it could go on forever. Our family and friends are wonderful, and our jobs, lives, etc. have been rich and enjoyable, and nothing like the hateful toxic mess that your Oregon evil spirit(s) seem to imply. In what world did they ever evolve in, live in?

[Teacher of the Year]

8. It was investigated by the state

I never sued but I didn't back down and fought. The Union had an incredible lawyer, as did I, who guided me through the fight and saved me more than once. I was only fired for two weeks and eventually, my case was used in the US Supreme Court (Bostick vs. Clayton County) in an Amicus Brief by Southern Poverty Law Center where I was used as an example of how badly LGBTQ employees could be treated. My case was so clear. The district put me forward for Teacher of the Year and were interviewed as part of the process. The superintendent said I was the best teacher the district had ever had, then I said I was gay, then I was fired, breaking several labor laws to do so. I was never written up, I was never in trouble, I was the first special ed teacher to be not only the Teacher of the Year but also the Union's Educator of Excellence all things my district was part of and then fired.

It all played out in the press with headlines like "Emails show district tried to blackmail Teacher of the Year" and "BOLI (Bureau of Labor and Industries) finds 'substantial evidence of discrimination" against Teacher of the Year.

I never sued though. I wanted the laws to change to keep it from happening to other people. I didn't want their money.

The district did a deep cleaning after this all happened. The superintendent was fired and everyone in the chain of command was removed, demoted or fled (except for the one person who I still have full respect for-they were not part of what happened to me, despite him being the person who fired me. Not long after all of this hit the papers, the school board got obliterated in the election and new blood at that level, did even more house cleaning.

After the Supreme Court ruling, the district also put out an apology to me. It was all new leadership, and the union had proudly shared how the district had done some very deep cleaning and had become a whole new place to work. Mind you, what happened to me stemmed from a couple of administrators doing the wrong thing. The people at that district work with the most in-need groups of. young people who you will meet. They are heroes and should be celebrated and not pilloried because of a few bad apples, who just happened to be at the top of the barrel instead of the bottom.

[ShazzieB]

26. O got curious and googled Bostick vs. Clayton County.

And I quickly learned the following:

Bostock v. Clayton County, 590 U.S. 644 (2020), is a landmark United States Supreme Court civil rights decision in which the Court held that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects employees against discrimination because of sexuality or gender identity. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bostock_v._Clayton_County)

How amazing to have been used an example in such an important case! What you had to go through to "earn" that distinction is an outrage, but what a fantastic outcome! Thanks so much for sharing your story, including that particular nugget of information.

Congratulations to you and your husband on your 10 years of marriage and starting your 38th year together.

P.S. If at all possible, I hope you will consider writing a book about your experiences as a special ed teacher and fighting the horrible discrimination you were subjected to due to your sexuality. I would definitely buy and read it, and I'm sure many others here would do the same.

[Fla Dem]

6. What a heartfelt, sad but beautiful story.

Last edited Sat May 18, 2024, 01:10 PM - Edit history (1)

So glad you've had 10 years of marriage with your husband.

I hope the years have been fulfilling and you have many more together.

[Teacher of the Year]

9. We've never even had a fight.

It is strange though, Fla Dem... There is this.... rift? between my life of the last ten years and my life before. I struggle to explain it but the best I can say is I was simply picked up out of my old life and put on a new road that was incredibly different that the life I had been living.

But good has come from it. Personal hardship is no fun, but when it comes with forcing change for the better, you have to look at it as money well spent.

[MLAA]

10. I am in awe of your courage and determination.

I applaud you for being such an extraordinary educator and even more so for being an extraordinary person and advocate.

[Teacher of the Year]

19. What I lack for in smarts, I make up in determination

At least I like to think so. :0)

[orangecrush]

11. Welcome to D.U.

[Teacher of the Year]

20. I'm an old-timer on here... but I stopped posting for most of a decade.

Just started posting again. Feels pretty nice to have my voice back!

[soldierant]

34. i think I recently read your post

on violence among school children. That was truly horrifying. Thank you for sharing that, and also this.

[SomedayKindaLove]

45. Well thanks for your courage

And your voice, greatly appreciated.

[aggiesal]

12. My brother came out, only after my dad passed away. ...

The pressures are probably unbearable.
Imagine a gay teenager attending a Catholic university.

I'll tell you what I told my brother, "Stay strong"

Welcome back to DU.

[TBF]

13. Thank you for your testimony -

every time you speak it makes it easier for kids like my college aged daughter who is gay. She is pretty open about it now but did not tell us until she was out of high school (although I had suspected for a while). People should not go through life scared to live authentically.

[Teacher of the Year]

21. Very lovely, thank you.

Right after I was fired, I was the guest speaker at a high school Gay Straight Alliance group. I was in all the headlines and it was very public what was happening to me and why I was fighting.

At the end of the event a young person came up to me, they were shaking, and staring at the ground. They were so fragile, I could tell it from a mile a way. They they took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you. I feel like what you did, you did for me."

And, seriously, every single nasty thing that happened to me (the death threats were so bad the FBI had us leave our house at one point)-though that was later) became worthwhile and have stayed that way ever since.

When I got the award I thought I would send a nice message simply through pictures with my husband. I ended up teaching a different lesson--how to stand up and fight. Totally different than what I expected but I was raised by fighters and was raised to not back down to bullies.

The good fight is always a good fight.

[multigraincracker]

14. Thank you for your courage.

I can’t understand why anyone would think twice about other folks personal lives that have zero to do with them.
My guess is that those folks are struggling with their own attraction to others. To fight it off, they become vocal about it thinking that will help them from becoming what they preach against. Just my thoughts.
You have my respect and support.

[NanaCat]

41. Stop with the closet attraction myth.

Seriously.

Homophobia isn't the exclusive province of repressed homosexuality. The repressed aren't even a significant percentage of homophobes.

Homophobes hate because they're bigots. Full stop.

[chouchou]

15. I tell you...You are one brave person. It's people like you that actually make..

life worth living. Courageous and intelligent and kind.
I give you a warm hug long-distance!

[Teacher of the Year]

28. Thank you for those kind words. I'm plenty bullheaded

Not so sure about. brave. :0)

[demigoddess]

16. I'm on your side.

two of the nicest guys I have ever known were a gay couple. Gay guys can move in next door to me any day. I'll never understand why people are prejudiced against gays.

[LiberalFighter]

17. Should be treated equally

I don't see the point of them making it an issue. What are they afraid of?

They aren't forced to marry a gay person or have sex.

[Whatthe_Firetruck]

35. It's the equality. They can't stand it.

To the ones who have a probablem, marriage is where a stronger party is joined to a weaker party. They assume those are respectively, a man and a woman. Because every man deserves his servant.

Anything other then that is wrong, and deserves an accompanying slur.

Two men? (They're f*ggots). Two women, (l*sbos, & who wears the pants? ie, is pretending to be stong). Straight or gay marriages where the/a woman is dominant? (she's a d*ke).

[YodaMom2]

55. It's rooted in patriarchy

Gay/lesbian couples are often asked which one is the “man” (or “woman”). What they’re really being asked, as you’ve noted, is who is dominant and who is submissive. And in a patriarchal paradigm, the man is always dominant: “feminine” gay men and “masculine” lesbians are objects of particular contempt and ridicule as their refusal to conform to cultural expectations threatens the paradigm.

[DeeDeeNY]

18. Congratulations

The love you share with your husband is beautiful, as is your courage and honesty.

[mountain grammy]

22. Thank you for telling your story

It's inspirational and heartwarming but certainly not easy to get to that point. I admire your courage and determination and decision not to sue but to get the district to just treat people as people. It's good to hear that people did rally and vote to change these terrible policies. That's how our system should work but it often takes people like you to make it happen.. Again, for all the Marks out there, thank you.

[Teacher of the Year]

33. I'd do anything for the Marks out there.

I know my own Mark made his own decision, but as one of the last people to talk to him, I just wish I had known I needed to do more. I'm doing it now, but... well, it is what it is.

Thank you for the kind words.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

23. Your supervisor thought it was appropriate

to make a death threat to you? Really?

[Teacher of the Year]

40. A few months before, in a meeting with all of my staff that I oversaw

she asked me about my partner. Then said about him, "My hairdresser says all gay men are promiscuous." She then just stared at me. I had no response, I was floored.. My staff looked like they wanted to crawl under the table. She would later send me the hospital for a bite wound and, behind my back and without my permission, had them test me for HIV. She wrote "no AIDS" on it before she gave me a copy.

She had few boundaries and after all this, changed her name and took a similar job at another district.

[NanaCat]

42. Did you out her for trying to cover up her past

With a new name?

[BaronChocula]

24. High praise for your courage

Did you get ANY support from the school community?

[quaint]

25. You won the good fight. I'm in awe.

I just read the Outwords Archive and wow.

[Teacher of the Year]

37. I was really honored they included me.

The interview took hours and they put so much work into it.

[jmbar2]

27. I'm choked up by this post. Thank you for sharing.

There was an interesting segment last nite on PBS Newshour about the lifting of bans against LGBTQ pastors and gay marriage in the United Methodist Church.

A woman pastor talked movingly about the oppressive burden to have to hide so much, every moment of her day. It really brought home the terrible psychic costs to being gay. Your story illustrates so well what she was saying.

I'm an Oregon Sub teacher, and have quite a few LGBTQ students who are open and out. I'm so glad that they had courageous models who opened the doors for them to be their natural selves.

Bless you, and congratulations on your anniversary. Your husband married well!

[PatrickforB]

29. Teaching is a sacred thing. A good teacher creates ripples in the lives of his or her students

that then create ripples throughout society.

You'll never know but what your courage in that and subsequent days may have changed a number of lives forever, made a literal difference between life and death.

May you and your husband be blessed as you have blessed your students!

[Dave Bowman]

30. These damn bigots are so cruel! They don't care at all about all the suffering they cause.

While reading your post I started sobbing. Terribly sorry for your friend Mark... So happy that you fought and won.

[moose65]

31. Wow

Thank you for that. I can’t imagine going through that.

Ten years ago, but it seems SO long ago. And this in supposedly liberal Oregon. What would it have been like in Alabama or West Virginia?

I can relate to having no role models. When I was a teenager, I felt completely alone, and I didn’t really have the ability to articulate what being gay was. I had no idea what it meant!

I certainly hope that it’s better these days.

[Happy Hoosier]

32. That's sad, and beautiful. Thank you. NT

[Iris]

36. This is a story that needs to be told. Thank you for returning and sharing it here. N/t

[dai13sy]

38. I know what I would want to say to that supervisor

but I don't speak to losers like her. I am so happy for all the wonderful things that happened because of your Oregon State Teacher of the Year Award. I know it was hard to talk about but thank you for sharing what happened to you and the mindless, ignorant beings that did that to you. Not one of those folks should have ever had a job in a school or any where near children. I like to back winners and you and your handsome Husband are definite winners and I wish you endless good luck but mostly happiness and love

[TygrBright]

39. Thank you so much. My uncle (and godfather) was a gay teacher.

He lived almost his entire life deep in the closet, coming out to only a few of the younger family members (my gay sister, among them) long after he retired.

He taught High School English literature. He loved Shakespeare. He had a wicked sense of humor and was a voracious reader. He had a significant other but they were never able to live together and eventually they were separated as aging threw them on the resources of family and communities that had no place for elderly same-gender couples.

I loved him dearly and to this day I can only hope that some essential part of him stayed free and eventually reunited with the one he loved. It still fills me with sorrow and rage to imagine what his life was like, having to be not-himself virtually every moment, and what it might have been like, had he been born 60 years later.

NEVER allow them to restore the bigoted, narrow, painful social and legal structures of homophobia to our culture.

Never. So many lives... lost and/or never lived at all.

Pride Month is coming soon. Let's make this one reverberate to the heights and depths of our species consciousness. Let love reign. Tell stories. Show scars. Celebrate progress. Demand more.

Every one of us.

LOUD

AND

PROUD!

appreciatively,
Bright

[Hekate]

50. 🌈This

[Teacher of the Year]

51. I see myself as standing on the shoulders of giants.

[Wild blueberry]

43. Happy anniversary!

Thank you for sharing your story. Long may you teach and long may you and your husband share lives and love.

[Faux pas]

44. BRAVO

[Wednesdays]

46. Gay people can become Secretary of Transportation.

[FirstLight]

48. Thank you for this story and your courage

And Happy Anniversary!!!!! 🎉

My partner and I are eloping and going to Portland for our Honeymoon in 3 weeks!
I can't imagine what it will be like in 10 years... But you paved the way.
And now we're gonna be forest witches, two little old ladies with our cats and ravens🥰

[Hekate]

49. I am so very glad you have returned to DU & are writing here again. I hope you are saving all your essays for a book.

I hope you and your husband have every happiness, and peace.

Thank you,
Hekate

[Teacher of the Year]

52. I'vehad a couple of book offers

But at the time it was all too fresh. I try to write lightly about it, but they were my darkest times. I have not wanted to go back and read their emails and the newspaper coverage. The Oregonian does not monitor it's comments so they were brutal. The threats were so bad we had to leave our house for a while.

Not stuff I want to relive, if you know what I mean.

[Hekate]

56. I do understand

[dlk]

53. Congratulations on you anniversary and your hard-fought victory

I wish you and your husband every happiness.

[MrsCheaplaugh]

54. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Such a damned shame you weren't able to record that disgusting, hateful bigot when she threatened your life.


I like gay people: Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Alan Turing, Oscar Wilde, Eleanor Roosevelt, K.D. Lang, James Baldwin, Jodie Foster, Graham Chapman... and many, many others. And I hate fascists.

[calimary]

57. "My shy husband, traumatized by all the cameras, looked at me and said, "I have waited a long time to marry you."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…

Sigh…