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Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:17 PM May 20

I just learned that my homeless little brother died... two years ago... of covid.

What an odd feeling this is. It's not grief. It's not sadness. --- It's like "Oh! Well that explains why we haven't heard from him."

He wasn't mentally ill, but he wasn't very bright either. He was 66 years old. He had income from SS, USPS retirement, and USAF benefits... he could (if he wanted to) have lived a humble life in a small apt, or owned his own mobile home. But he seemingly preferred to live in the "by the week" motels. When he ran out of money and was evicted, he'd move on to the next hotel whenever his check came in. In between times, he lived on the street, or in shelters.

He had no wife or family that we know of. We don't know who is cremains were given to, but she texted us to let us know what happened. --- It's so bizarre. She doesn't respond to our texted replies/questions. There's no answer when we try to call and her "mailbox-is-full" so no voicemails are possible. It seems unlikely that we'll ever know more than we do now.

It is what it is, I suppose. We tried to help John as much as we could. He wasn't in need of money and he often helped others with his benefits (I think he was being taken advantage of) but he was an adult and could make his own decisions. Even the poor ones.

We weren't estranged (in the usual sense) but he seemed to have no particular desire to keep in touch or let us know where he was or how he was doing. John was functional and independent, but his IQ and maturity was about the same as an adolescent or early teen. (Smoking was his only vice... no drugs, no weed, no booze.)

So... now we know. Now we can stop worrying and wondering. Maybe what I'm feeling is relief.

Thank you for listening (reading).

140 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
I just learned that my homeless little brother died... two years ago... of covid. (Original Post) Oopsie Daisy May 20 OP
very sorry Skittles May 20 #1
She is "Sue" ... a name that we'd heard over the years. Close friend? Girlfriend? It's unknown. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #3
that is terrible, to sound so casual Skittles May 20 #71
Yes. It was almost an "in passing" and "by the way" message. An afterthought. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #80
I understand your feelings. Yavin4 May 20 #2
Thank you. You're right. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #9
Sorry for your loss. Groundhawg May 20 #4
Many thanks. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #10
RIP XanaDUer2 May 20 #5
Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #12
I'm sad for your loss, I am sad he was homeless. I am especially sad he died alone, and needlessly of Covid ... marble falls May 20 #6
Thanks very much. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #15
That is a shame. LiberalFighter May 20 #7
He died in Florida. I've looked into this, but without his SSN, it's unlikely. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #16
You're Right modrepub May 20 #41
Thanks for your advice and insights. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #135
Doesn't look like there is a way to locate it in Florida. LiberalFighter May 20 #42
We did that. The phone number is a mobile number with an area code that serves Minneapolis. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #45
He may well have turned to the VA with such a health crisis. 70sEraVet May 20 #56
Thank you. We'll reach out. That's a good idea. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #77
Yes... definitely check with the VA! slightlv May 20 #105
Thank you! We haven't given up yet. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #136
Aw, I'm sorry anyway... FirstLight May 20 #8
Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #17
I am so sorry, not just for your loss, but also because you are left with so many unanswered questions. tblue37 May 20 #68
Yes, that's difficult. Frustrating. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #79
I'm so sorry, Oopsie Daisy. LuckyCharms May 20 #11
Many thanks! Oopsie Daisy May 20 #18
Condolences FakeNoose May 20 #13
Thanks so much. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #20
Requiescat in pace shrike3 May 20 #14
I appreciate that. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #21
Praying for you mdmc May 20 #19
Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #23
Sorry to hear this. ❤️ underpants May 20 #22
Many thanks. It's not what I expected, but not surprising. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #24
for the last twenty years I ran a treatment apartment program for people with severe mental illness mdmc May 20 #29
That's a good idea! We'll try that. We haven't given up on our efforts to reach out... Oopsie Daisy May 20 #33
between the soup kitchens and bodega employees and social workers and others on the street... mdmc May 20 #43
I'll never NOT give to a pandhandler again (unless I have nothing to give) Oopsie Daisy May 20 #53
Yes. I agree with you on this. KarenS May 20 #61
Husband always gives to panhandlers. shrike3 May 20 #92
That's my new philosophy. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #102
The worrying and wondering must have been dreadful to bear. brer cat May 20 #25
Yes. And I thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #27
Holding your family in my heart. Mercy and peace bring you consolation... n/t TygrBright May 20 #26
Thanks very much. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #28
So sorry for your loss. Whenever a family member leaves, there is loss. And grief. japple May 20 #30
I appreciate your comforting thoughts. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #36
Bless. PlutosHeart May 20 #31
Thanks for your kind words. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #34
I'm so sorry happy feet May 20 #32
Thank you very much. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #37
I am sorry. KarenS May 20 #35
Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #39
I'm so very sorry cate94 May 20 #38
I appreciate your kind words. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #40
I can certainly understand why you would have a sense of relief! PortTack May 20 #44
Yes. Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #48
I am so sorry for your loss. sheshe2 May 20 #46
Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #49
I'm so sorry Katcat May 20 #47
Thanks for your kindness. Sending strength to you and your family as well. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #50
I am so sorry senseandsensibility May 20 #51
Thanks very much for you kind thoughts. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #54
I am sorry - TBF May 20 #52
I understand. Thanks for sharing your story, too. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #57
Sorry for your situation. I sense your feeling MOMFUDSKI May 20 #55
I appreciate that. Many thanks! Oopsie Daisy May 20 #58
So sorry for your loss SocialDemocrat61 May 20 #59
Thank you. That means a lot. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #64
I'm so sorry, and it is so sad. lapucelle May 20 #60
I appreciate your kind words. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #65
I'm sorry for your loss, for what was & is & might have been. May he rest in peace & may you remember the good times. Hekate May 20 #62
Many thanks! That means a lot. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #66
Very sorry, Oopsie. ancianita May 20 #63
We are relieved, and sad. I can't even remember what my last words to him were. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #67
It's true. I hope you gave him a feeling of care. ancianita May 20 #69
I am so sorry Oopsie Daisy. May the memeories and love you two shared be a blessing to you. debm55 May 20 #70
Yes... we had a wonderful childhood. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #73
I'm so sorry... LeftInTX May 20 #72
Thanks so much! Oopsie Daisy May 20 #74
I'm so sorry mountain grammy May 20 #75
Many thanks. We were close as children * Oopsie Daisy May 20 #76
So sorry for your loss. COL Mustard May 20 #78
I will. Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #82
Holding you and your family in love and light. May you all find peace niyad May 20 #81
I appreciate that. Thank you Oopsie Daisy May 20 #84
It sounds like this was the life he chose, so hopefully he was happy in it. Very sorry for your loss. Joinfortmill May 20 #83
Yes. I must remind myself of that. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #85
I'm very sorry for your loss dlk May 20 #86
Thank you, dlk! Oopsie Daisy May 20 #88
Of course, I'll be thinking of you dlk May 20 #90
Condolences on your loss Alice Kramden May 20 #87
I appreciate that, Alice. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #89
Dear Oopsie Daisy, madaboutharry May 20 #91
Thanks very much! I appreciate that. It helps to share. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #96
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother, John. lucca18 May 20 #93
Thanks, Lucca18. Your kind words mean a lot. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #97
I'm very sorry to hear this Orrex May 20 #94
Thanks, Orrex! I appreciate that. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #99
I am sorry for your loss this way; I was also at a loss peacebuzzard May 20 #95
Thanks for sharing your story, too. Oopsie Daisy May 20 #100
So with you. I am so sorry. MuseRider May 20 #98
Yes. During this silence, we'd wondered "what-if he's dead" ... Oopsie Daisy May 20 #101
Thanks, MuseRider May 20 #104
The OUTPOURING of kindness of EVERYONE HERE has been very helpful and HEARTWARMING, and * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #111
Sad story. It's not a Brady Brunch reality for a lot of families. OAITW r.2.0 May 20 #103
Thank you, OAITW. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #108
What a story. What a sad story, and a heart-breaking one. He went where his heart wanted to go. Doodley May 20 #106
Thanks very much! That helps to put it into perspective. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #109
I'm sorry for your loss. area51 May 20 #107
That's kind of you to say. Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #110
Sorry for your loss. Don1 May 21 #112
Many thanks, Don1 ... I appreciate that. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #113
Sounds fishy. ECL213 May 21 #114
We thought that might be a possibility. But he stopped picking up and cashing checks * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #116
The County Medical Examiner or Coroner should have a record of his death, Liberty Belle May 21 #118
That's a good idea. Many road blocks and brick walls so far. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #119
My deepest condolences. Ursus Rex May 21 #115
Thank you. That's a good way to describe it * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #117
I am sorry Lulu KC May 21 #120
Yes. That's exactly right. Definitely a mixed-bag * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #132
we had a few of those in my family.... dembotoz May 21 #121
Thanks for sharing and for checking-in. Things like this * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #130
Let's hope Sue is still not receiving his benefits Owens May 21 #122
That's a good question. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #124
I'm so sorry your brother died sdfernando May 21 #123
Many thanks. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting trying to find information * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #129
Condolences wryter2000 May 21 #125
Thank you. You're right * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #128
I'm so sorry. Lots of complicated feelings there. yardwork May 21 #126
We had a regular childhood, but it fell apart eventually * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #127
Sounds a lot like my brother bif May 21 #131
Thanks for sharing that, Bif. I'm very sorry * Oopsie Daisy May 21 #133
Thanks bif May 21 #137
sorry to hear this bif mdmc May 21 #134
Thanks. bif May 21 #138
So sad...... a kennedy May 21 #139
Thank you. Oopsie Daisy May 21 #140

Skittles

(154,704 posts)
1. very sorry
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:19 PM
May 20

it's hard to lose a sibling, I have lost two brothers

I am curious who the "she" is you are referring to who left a message because that does sound strange and honestly, a bit inhumane.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
3. She is "Sue" ... a name that we'd heard over the years. Close friend? Girlfriend? It's unknown.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:22 PM
May 20

But her message was (essentially) "Hey, this is Sue. John's friend. Sorry I didn't have your number to let you know that John died. They gave me his ashes. Thought you'd want to know."

Ugh.

Skittles

(154,704 posts)
71. that is terrible, to sound so casual
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:08 PM
May 20

and to not even impart any context regarding her relationship with your brother? You (and he) deserved better.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
80. Yes. It was almost an "in passing" and "by the way" message. An afterthought.
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:25 PM
May 20

But, better than NO thought at all, I suppose.

Yavin4

(35,575 posts)
2. I understand your feelings.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:22 PM
May 20

I have two problematic siblings for different reasons. One is very similar to your brother, but this sibling keeps asking me for money every other year even though she's had jobs much, much better than I've had. Refuses to listen to anyone. Refuses to take control of her life. Refuses to even keep herself or her house clean.

I cannot parent a grown adult. No one can.

marble falls

(59,576 posts)
6. I'm sad for your loss, I am sad he was homeless. I am especially sad he died alone, and needlessly of Covid ...
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:24 PM
May 20

... I understand your relief. We all felt it when a favorite nephew who had gone of the rails died in his twenties suddenly of alcoholism.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
15. Thanks very much.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:26 PM
May 20

I assume he had friends... I hope he wasn't "found dead" under an overpass. We'll never know.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
16. He died in Florida. I've looked into this, but without his SSN, it's unlikely.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:28 PM
May 20

I could get a lawyer to assist, but... I'm not sure it's worth it. There's no estate and no benefits. (Although he might have qualified for an "In Memory Of" headstone memorial marker paid for by the DOD.)

modrepub

(3,535 posts)
41. You're Right
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:52 PM
May 20

on the headstone. Father and step-father had something from the military. He didn't need to serve long to qualify.

The DoD may be another source of information if you're interested. If he was getting USAF retirement checks, they had to go to somewhere. I know my brother was able to pull my Father's military record but I'm not sure how difficult that is. I think this needs to be done to qualify for the headstone so there must be some mechanism to get this information, just not sure if a sibling can request information.

My condolences. Peace be with you.

LiberalFighter

(52,613 posts)
42. Doesn't look like there is a way to locate it in Florida.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:53 PM
May 20

Would require info you don't have. In about eight years Social Security Death Index would be searchable. Or try a reverse lookup of the phone number that called you.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
45. We did that. The phone number is a mobile number with an area code that serves Minneapolis.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:00 PM
May 20

It rings, but no answer. Voicemail is full. Text messages are not "bounced" but no reply. --- I think we'll just have to be content with simply knowing what we know (even though many questions remain unanswered.)

I was horrified at the thought that he died alone and outdoors. But another poster reminded me that unhoused folks have a community of their own and they're a community of their own and they do their best to look after each other. --- I hope that's the case.

I appreciate your kind and supportive words and suggestions.

70sEraVet

(3,722 posts)
56. He may well have turned to the VA with such a health crisis.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:25 PM
May 20

If so, he was at least in caring, capable hands. I know that VA wasn't always held in high esteem, but today's VA system is probably the best healthcare system this country offers.
I hope you will find closure.
Try your county's Veteran Service Officer. They always seem to be anxious to help, and they can access any veteran's files.
Good luck.

slightlv

(3,399 posts)
105. Yes... definitely check with the VA!
Mon May 20, 2024, 10:26 PM
May 20

You can ask for his DD Form 214 - that would be his discharge paper. It would have most, if not all of the info needed for burial and headstone in a National Cemetery.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard when an adult sibling goes his own way, with no real effort to keep in touch with others in the family. We seem to have a rule of "the oldest female" in the family being responsible for holding the rest of the immediate family together. With Mom in a nursing home now, it has fallen to me. Frankly, I think the youngest adult should be the one responsible! Hosting holiday dinners, etc., is a lot of work for an older person, like me! (LOL)

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
136. Thank you! We haven't given up yet.
Tue May 21, 2024, 03:03 PM
May 21

Just taking a break. It's emotionally exhausting. --- I appreciate your kind words.

FirstLight

(13,525 posts)
8. Aw, I'm sorry anyway...
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:24 PM
May 20

It's funny how families disperse sometimes... I never would have thought ours would have become so fractured over time. But the elders go and we lose track of distance and time etc

tblue37

(65,831 posts)
68. I am so sorry, not just for your loss, but also because you are left with so many unanswered questions.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:59 PM
May 20

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
79. Yes, that's difficult. Frustrating.
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:24 PM
May 20

But it's comforting to believe that even without family, he wasn't truly alone. He had his chosen-family and friends.

mdmc

(29,148 posts)
29. for the last twenty years I ran a treatment apartment program for people with severe mental illness
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:42 PM
May 20

Some of them preferred to live out on their own in tents or in the streets or hotels when it was cold.

What often amazed me was the gentile kindness of the streets. There was this web of support and care. People would give you their last shirt (but never their last cigarette, lol).

Although it may be hard to understand, I would assume that your brother had a rich tapestry of people in his life. Sue's willingness to reach out, even if she won't correspond, is huge. She must have thought the world of him to have looked you up and gotten you this information.
I'm sure he had many friends and interested people in his life.

One thing I would suggest is asking Sue if you could send her some money and cigarettes in honor of your brother. It might get a response.

Millions of Americans continue to live like your brother. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless Them. They are Jesus incarnate, and anything that is done for their benefit is holy work.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
33. That's a good idea! We'll try that. We haven't given up on our efforts to reach out...
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:47 PM
May 20

... but our expectations are low.

Thanks very much for your kind words and comments reminding us that he wasn't TRULY alone and that he was simply being generous with what he had, rather than being taken advantage of. That's a better way to look at it, and believing that's the case is comforting.

mdmc

(29,148 posts)
43. between the soup kitchens and bodega employees and social workers and others on the street...
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:56 PM
May 20

I am sure that he had a rich life.

Continue to do what you are comfortable doing to honor him. Help those like him. And like you. There is a world of people out there with a similar story to the one you told in this OP. If needed, you can reach out to them for support. NAMI and poverty reduction coalitions come to mind..

God Bless and I pray that you are able to connect with Sue and truly celebrate your brothers life in some way.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
53. I'll never NOT give to a pandhandler again (unless I have nothing to give)
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:17 PM
May 20

I've turned a blind eye many times. I've judged and scorned in the past. And whether their condition and situation is because of bad decisions, mental illness, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc... they all deserve food/comfort/shelter. --- Even if my dollar goes toward cigarettes (ugh!) or liquor... in their eyes it's what they "need" and what will make them happy/content.

KarenS

(4,295 posts)
61. Yes. I agree with you on this.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:50 PM
May 20

I always give to panhandlers.
They are somebody's child, somebody's brother or sister, somebody's friend.

 

shrike3

(5,370 posts)
92. Husband always gives to panhandlers.
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:14 PM
May 20

First time he did it in front of me, I pushed back. He said, "Doesn't matter what they spend it on. Could give them a moment of joy."

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
102. That's my new philosophy.
Mon May 20, 2024, 10:04 PM
May 20

They're not doing it for the fun of it. They put themselves in danger... they are vulnerable to being harassed, mugged, or arrested (in certain areas). They've hit the bottom and they're desperate. I used to waste $10 a day on cigarettes... I can afford to give a buck or two to someone who needs it.

brer cat

(25,133 posts)
25. The worrying and wondering must have been dreadful to bear.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:39 PM
May 20

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you find some peace in knowing.

japple

(10,083 posts)
30. So sorry for your loss. Whenever a family member leaves, there is loss. And grief.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:43 PM
May 20

Even though you may not feel it right now, it is there. Just know we are here for you at any time.

PlutosHeart

(1,384 posts)
31. Bless.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:45 PM
May 20

I hope somehow there is some closure. Am sorry that you cannot get ahold of the person who had called.

There was person that I went to HS with. His name was John also and a similar age, yet he chose the same path that you described. Sometimes like you had wondered what had happened to him. I sort of get it but this was your brother....I am so sorry.

KarenS

(4,295 posts)
35. I am sorry.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:48 PM
May 20

Life can be so hard sometimes and some folks can get so very lost. It's hard to watch and experience losing them to such an unnecessarily difficult life.

Just sending some ((hugs)) and empathy.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
39. Thank you.
Mon May 20, 2024, 06:51 PM
May 20

Even though he never asked for our help, we tried to guide him. He seemed perfectly content with his choices... and I guess that mere "contentment" is more than many sheltered and well-fed folks achieve.

Katcat

(283 posts)
47. I'm so sorry
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:08 PM
May 20

I guess I’ll hear something similar about my youngest brother. Don’t know where he is but he’s an alcoholic druggie.

senseandsensibility

(18,382 posts)
51. I am so sorry
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:12 PM
May 20

It's sad and frightening how people can fall between the cracks and pass away unnoticed. I wish our society wasn't so fragmented, and people like your brother could find the support they need.

TBF

(32,620 posts)
52. I am sorry -
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:15 PM
May 20

I lost my brother too and we had been fairly close throughout life except I really didn't know the extent of his addiction issues. I would say high-functioning addict, but the substances took their toll eventually. I do have his cremains; however, the roommate at least knew who the police should call. Maybe Sue will work with you on that - but I can also understand that at least you have some kind of closure knowing he's gone. Sometimes that's as good as it gets. ((hugs))

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
57. I understand. Thanks for sharing your story, too.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:25 PM
May 20

Yes... sometimes "as good as it gets" is all we can expect and I need to learn to accept that.

Hekate

(92,396 posts)
62. I'm sorry for your loss, for what was & is & might have been. May he rest in peace & may you remember the good times.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:51 PM
May 20

ancianita

(37,094 posts)
63. Very sorry, Oopsie.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:54 PM
May 20

I understand your mixed feelings. It's hard to witness (or never hear from) a family member who lives their life on terms detrimental to them, even unto death. But like you've said, it was his life to live as he chose.



Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
67. We are relieved, and sad. I can't even remember what my last words to him were.
Mon May 20, 2024, 07:59 PM
May 20

You never know when the time will come.

mountain grammy

(26,892 posts)
75. I'm so sorry
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:16 PM
May 20

Even if our siblings aren't close, it's still a loss of someone who survived childhood with you, or against you, as the case may be. Hugs to you Daisy..

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
76. Many thanks. We were close as children *
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:20 PM
May 20

* and I was a bit of a confrontational advocate trying to get him to "shape up". I guess I should have believed him when he said he was okay with his life. Not the life I would have chosen for him, but the life he chose for himself, and I should have respected that.

I appreciate your kind words.

COL Mustard

(6,229 posts)
78. So sorry for your loss.
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:23 PM
May 20

It's hard. Always hard.

Please consider contacting the VA. He may be entitled to some benefits. He served our Country; giving him a decent send off is the least we can do.

niyad

(116,054 posts)
81. Holding you and your family in love and light. May you all find peace
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:35 PM
May 20

and comfort. I am so very sorry for your loss.

dlk

(11,865 posts)
86. I'm very sorry for your loss
Mon May 20, 2024, 08:49 PM
May 20

It’s heartbreaking when a family member has challenges and is disconnected. Sending thoughts of peace and comfort to you at this difficult time.

madaboutharry

(40,520 posts)
91. Dear Oopsie Daisy,
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:10 PM
May 20

You told such a sad story. I hope you have a few good memories of your brother that you can keep with you.
It seems he lived a hard life. May he rest in peace.

lucca18

(1,259 posts)
93. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother, John.
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:14 PM
May 20

You are feeling so many things right now, sadness and sorry.
Your dear brother.
May he Rest In Peace.
Please take care.
💔❤️💔

Orrex

(63,561 posts)
94. I'm very sorry to hear this
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:26 PM
May 20

I hope that this at least allows some closure and resolution, even if further details aren't likely forthcoming.

Best to you and your family in the wake of this news.

peacebuzzard

(5,207 posts)
95. I am sorry for your loss this way; I was also at a loss
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:38 PM
May 20

when my dad came to his last years, he had been a lifer in the military: two wars, a purple heart, and proud of his service. He often mentioned he wanted to be buried in Arlington, which he has complete right.
But he started a decline which prompted his retirement. Mom had died at an early age and Dad decided that he would have minimal use for us.
It prompted legal problems when he began a second family which I have been dealing with for almost 25 years. They couldn't understand Dad's only language, English.
It was the hospital administration's protocol to insist on calling all family members to visit him one last time. That message came through the US Consulate. He was buried in a pauper grave in another country and I have yet to address that situation.

Nonetheless, it was a somber moment that prompted years of legal issues. And still does.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.

MuseRider

(34,264 posts)
98. So with you. I am so sorry.
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:55 PM
May 20

Similar situation. Sending a warm hug, as silly as that sounds. Mine is still living and driving me crazy with his drunken insanity.

It is still hard to move on but it sounds like you are doing well now that you know.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
101. Yes. During this silence, we'd wondered "what-if he's dead" ...
Mon May 20, 2024, 09:59 PM
May 20

... so the thought had crossed our minds. It was a surprise, but not a surprise. We knew it would come, but we didn't know when. --- I hope things work out with your family troubles too.

MuseRider

(34,264 posts)
104. Thanks,
Mon May 20, 2024, 10:17 PM
May 20

They will likely end up like yours, I do not think my brother has any friends. He is still stuck in High School yet he is 67 years old. His life has been nothing but hardship but 100% of that falls right in his lap. Years of effort I have put into him but he just punts it down the road.

That silence used to drive me crazy but when he got violent and started hitting me I called it off. When something comes through I just let it go.

It is what it is. I am glad yours is coming to an end, I say this hoping that the end actually brings peace to you. I am not certain at all how that might feel. I hope peace for you and for me when the time comes.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
111. The OUTPOURING of kindness of EVERYONE HERE has been very helpful and HEARTWARMING, and *
Tue May 21, 2024, 06:46 AM
May 21

I guess this message thread will serve as his "funeral" or memorial and a chance for me to face the reality of it. Perhaps in some ways we were more fortunate than others. John was never violent, he just wasn't motivated.

He knew things could be better but never made an effort. He didn't lack for money except that he gave it away rather than use it for his own benefit. Although he lacked the ability (desire?) to wisely manage his income, or to know how to pay rent/utilities on time, he was "too smart" for any of us to force him into a state-managed guardianship or conservatorship. He was MORE frustrated with our attempts to help him to be better than he was with his life.

Our attempts made him less happy and it seemed to hurt his feelings, so we gave up and just let John-be-John. Considering the violence you experienced, you made the correct (and difficult) decision to let go. Sometimes our reluctant acceptance of reality is the best we can do.

Sending strength and courage to you, MuseRider.

Doodley

(9,470 posts)
106. What a story. What a sad story, and a heart-breaking one. He went where his heart wanted to go.
Mon May 20, 2024, 11:02 PM
May 20

Better than being imprisoned by societal norms. I am sorry that he went sooner than he should have.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
116. We thought that might be a possibility. But he stopped picking up and cashing checks *
Tue May 21, 2024, 09:54 AM
May 21

* that were being doled out to him from our mother's estate. She was wise enough to NOT give him a lump-sum and instead set up a trust that would provide an annuity-like payment. We checked with the trustee and learned that there are still unclaimed checks. I expect that if they confirm his death (or if he's declared legally dead) then what remains will be divided among his heirs (if any, if known) or it will go back to me. It's less than $5000 now. I'll accept it, but I'm not going to chase it.

I think that's the only independent verification we'll be able to get. Police reports don't exist. Funeral homes and hospitals won't share info. Homeless deaths are so common that it doesn't even make the newspapers any more (esp not for large cities like Orlando).

I appreciate your feedback and thoughts on the matter.

Liberty Belle

(9,577 posts)
118. The County Medical Examiner or Coroner should have a record of his death,
Tue May 21, 2024, 10:30 AM
May 21

Including verification of where he passed and the cause.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
119. That's a good idea. Many road blocks and brick walls so far.
Tue May 21, 2024, 10:39 AM
May 21

"Sorry without a social security number and proof of your relationship as an heir, and need-to-know, we cannot share private information."

We are, of course, curious. But that's the extent. Whatever "estate" he had remaining is of little concern and pursuing would require more resources and legal assistance than it's worth. --- We're content that he wasn't "found dead" in an alleyway. He did have friends and I'll choose to believe that (hopefully) he was being cared for, even as an indigent, when he died.

Thank you for you thoughts. I appreciate it.

Ursus Rex

(193 posts)
115. My deepest condolences.
Tue May 21, 2024, 09:51 AM
May 21

I've had something like that happen, and it feels like losing twice.

I can't say more than I'm sorry, and that I feel your loss, and I hope you find some peace.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
117. Thank you. That's a good way to describe it *
Tue May 21, 2024, 09:56 AM
May 21

* losing twice... a long goodbye and extended absence (and the sadness associated with that) then the confirmation and knowing for sure. This thread has brought comfort. Sharing the story is like an substitute/alternative to a funeral rite. Hearing comforting words is helpful.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
132. Yes. That's exactly right. Definitely a mixed-bag *
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:19 PM
May 21

* that I've been processing this past week. It's not the life I would have chosen for him... but it's the life he chose for himself. It wasn't some great tragedy that befell him (unemployment, illness, accident) it's just the way John was. Looking back, I know it was frustrating for him when we tried to help "set him on the right path". And maybe he was embarrassed, or he sensed that we may have been embarrassed by him. As people say when they want to avoid taking blame: "mistakes were made."

So, yes... relief is part of the mixture. I felt guilty over feeling relief... but I can accept that it's not bad to feel that way.

 

dembotoz

(16,922 posts)
121. we had a few of those in my family....
Tue May 21, 2024, 11:03 AM
May 21

uncles kids..father a drunk, bitter divo...rce..
keeping in touch can not be one sided.
my mom tried god bless her....
Rest of the family pretty much turned up their collective nose.
My uncle died fairly young..when the family patriarch aunt died she wrote into the will how disgusted she was with him. I understand all three of his kids are now dead.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
130. Thanks for sharing and for checking-in. Things like this *
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:15 PM
May 21

* are generally kept pretty hush-hush within families, only spoken of in whispers or avoided completely. For the longest time I thought we were the only family I knew who had a "black sheep". I guess it's more common that people realize.

Owens

(240 posts)
122. Let's hope Sue is still not receiving his benefits
Tue May 21, 2024, 11:37 AM
May 21

Sounds a little fishy, wonder if SS, USPS and USAF know he's dead?

sdfernando

(5,069 posts)
123. I'm so sorry your brother died
Tue May 21, 2024, 12:13 PM
May 21

Its not an easy thing to go through. I lost my oldest brother and my Dad within 8 months of each other. I was not very close to my older brother, partly due to the age gap but I did love him.

You may be able to get some information from the local authorities. I'm sure the keep records. A little sleuthing and you can find out the funeral home his body was sent to and who they released his ashes to.

Again, so sorry about your brother.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
129. Many thanks. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting trying to find information *
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:12 PM
May 21

* and some time in the future, we may try again. I need to balance my desire to know with whether or not I really need to know, and figure out if it's all worth it. For now, I need to step back. --- I appreciate your advice and for sharing your story too.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
128. Thank you. You're right *
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:09 PM
May 21

* he's been absent for many years prior to his death. And in the back of my mind I knew it was a possibility. I just never let myself believe it or explore those fears too seriously.

yardwork

(62,427 posts)
126. I'm so sorry. Lots of complicated feelings there.
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:06 PM
May 21

So many of us have lives and families that are quite different from the idealized lifestyles portrayed in media. Please know that you are not alone.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
127. We had a regular childhood, but it fell apart eventually *
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:08 PM
May 21

* I do have good memories to hold. Thanks for your sympathy.

bif

(23,143 posts)
131. Sounds a lot like my brother
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:17 PM
May 21

He lived out in the Pacific Northwest. Always was a bit of a drifter. He'd stay with friends and relatives. Thought of himself as an independent sort. But was okay accepting money from my dad and other brother. He was a pothead his whole life. He was a super friendly guy and would support himself doing painting jobs. He was his happiest fishing for salmon out in Oregon. Then he up and killed himself. Not a total shock, but sad nonetheless.

Oopsie Daisy

(3,195 posts)
133. Thanks for sharing that, Bif. I'm very sorry *
Tue May 21, 2024, 01:23 PM
May 21

* to hear what happened. So sad and tragic to care for someone but not be able to help them, or to have the offers of help refused. Even in failure and tragedy, just knowing/believing that we did our best is sometimes all we can hang onto.

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