More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Heil to the Criminal In Chief
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris inherited a cratered economy and a massive pandemic, with the supply disruptions causing massive inflation exacerbated by greedy corporations taking advantage of the situation to pad their bonuses. With quick action by a Democratic Congress, the economic crisis was ameliorated and vaccines were quickly and widely distributed.
So naturally, all the news could talk about was how the price of eggs was still too high and how old Biden was.
Donald Trump, meanwhile, was raided by the FBI for hiding stolen top secret document in his tacky golf resort's bathroom, found liable for sexual assault, and convicted of financial crimes by a New York court. So naturally he ran for President again and handily won the Republican nomination.
In June, Trump and Biden had their only debate; Biden's poor performance due to a head cold provoked mass panic in the Democratic constituencies, and of course the media piled on about how he was too old because of one debate performance, never mind Trump being only a couple of years younger, and constantly incoherently ranting about sharks, windmills causing cancer, immigrants eating pets, and fictional serial killer Hannibal Lector.
Shortly thereafter, Joe Biden became the first incumbent President since Lyndon Johnson in 1968 to drop out of the race, endorsing his Vice President, Kamala Harris. While the primaries were completed by that time, Biden's delegates overwhelmingly supported her, and party fundraising was massively energized.
Indeed, by late October, it looked like Biden had made the right choice. Harris's rallies were energetic and well attended. Trump's rallies felt like funerals, sparsely attended with this bored followers leaving early.
So naturally, the ticket of convicted felon, adjudicated rapist, and former failed president Donald Trump and supremely weird Ohio Senator JD Vance won a narrow victory that they claim was a mandate, because of course a Republican victory, no matter how small, is a mandate, while a Democratic victory, no matter how large, has to be tempered by reaching across the aisle and bipartisanship.
Yeah, that makes sense.
(No. 70 in an occasional series.)
* The Ever-Growing List of Family Values Republicans Who Have Been or Probably Someday Will Be Appointed to Public Office By Donald Trump:
Chuck Adair (NEW!)
Ali Alexander
Tim Ballard
Joe Barton
Brad Benson
Shawn Bergstrand
Mike Bickle
John Bizon
Lauren Boebert
Anthony Bouchard
Luke Bowen
Jared Micheal Boyce
Aaron Brink
David Byrd
Herman Cain
Scotty Campbell
Tucker Carlson
Madison Cawthorn
Lee Chatfield
Joshua Craft
Larry Craig
Chris DeJoseph
Steve DesJarlais
Anthony D’Esposito
Tudor Dixon
Jeff Duncan
Bobby Dyer
Joe Fain
Jerry Falwell Jr and the entire staff of Liberty University
Phillip Fisher Jr.
Mark Foley
Trent Franks
Neil Friske
Matt Gaetz
Will Gardner
Ben Gibson
Newt Gingrich
Phil Godlewski
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Eric Greitens
Joe Gruters
Rudy Guiliani
Sean Hannity
Gabrielle Hanson
Adam Hageman
Dennis Hastert
Rocky Hayes
Pete Hegseth (NEW!!!)
Ed Henry (NEW!!!)
Charles Herbster
Curtis Hill
Ray Holmberg
Perry Hooper Jr.
Duncan Hunter
Jeff Jansen
Daryl Johnson
Alex Jones
William Claude Jones (Proving it's not a recent phenomenon)
Gym Jordan
Randy Gene Kaufman
Brett Kavanaugh
RFK Jr
Bernard Kerik
Joshua Kindred
Joel Koskan
Nathan Larson
Anton Lazzaro
Corey Lewandowski
Kyle Lewter
Rush Limbaugh
Nancy Mace
Josh Mandell
Mike Maroney
Bud Marty May
Vance McAllister
Rich McCormick
John McEntee
Randy McNally
John Merrill
Jason Miller
Roy Moore
Bernie Moreno
Robert Morris
Brad Namdar
Walt Nauta
Jonathan Newel
Kristi Noem
Bill O'Reilly
Carl Paladino
Frank Pavone
Charles Peruto
Dennis Prager
Paul Pressler
Zachary Radcliff
Lawrence Ray
Tom Reed
Matthew Reilly
Kevin Rinke
Mark Robinson
Rick Roeber
Matt Rosendale
Chad Micheal Salsman
Robert Samuel
Bill Sanderson
Mark Sanford
George Santos
Matt Schlapp
Cameron Sexton
Alek Skarlatos
Melvin Slack
Bryan Slaton
Ken Starr(!!!),
Kent Stermond
Sarah Stogner
Roger Stone
David Stringer
Charles Sutherland
Donald "Whitey" Taylor
Van Taylor
Clarence Thomas
David Todeschini
Donald Trump Jr. (Shocking, I know, right?)(NEW!!)
Beth Van Duyne
Ruben Verastigui
David Vitter
Aaron von Ehlinger
Marty Decole Wagner
Herschel Walker
Jesse Watters
Dana White
Royce White
Steve Wynn
Christian and Bridget Ziegler
More Reposts and Updates:
* "There is a mandate" = Republicans won the last election, no matter how small the vote margin (or even if, like in 2000 and 2016, they didn't actually get the most votes). "Be bipartisan and don't overreach" = Democrats won the last election, no matter how large the vote margin. (#18, April 2015)
Trump's second Attorney General pick reminds us:
* A woman who was bribed by Donald Trump has the moral authority to call anyone else "corrupt". (#45, Oct 2020)
and
* You think it's smart politics to defend Donald Trump from charges of soliciting bribes from Ukraine by hiring a state attorney general that Trump had previously bribed. (#42, Feb 2020)
and
* Bribery: NOT taking money from Donald Trump. (#26, Nov 2016)
Just another one of Trumps "Best People" of course.
All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* "The Party of Law And Order" thinks it's a good idea to shut down the FBI.
* They also thought, at least briefly, that it might be a good idea to put an alleged pedophile with no prosecutorial experience in the Attorney General's office.
Almost verbatim from Art Candee on Bluesky:
* Professional wrestling is real. The allegations that Linda McMahon and her husband Vince covered up sexual assault are fake.
* If the government had shut down in December 2024 because the Republican not-yet-inaugurated president-elect and an unelected foreign businessman told the Republican-lead House to kill the bipartisan funding bill, it would clearly be the Democrats' fault.
* You complain about Americans being lazy and "venerating mediocrity". You supported George W. Bush and are an enthusiastic supporter of Donald Trump.
* A man who could give every man, woman, and child in the United States $1000 and still have tens of billions of dollars left can accuse everyone else of "too much prosperity" with a straight face.
* Getting no punishment after being convicted of thirty-four felonies: "treated very unfairly"
Well, actually he's right on that one, but in the complete opposite way that he thinks.
Until next time, if we're not in the gulags yet.