Spurious News: Democrats float bold new plan to end the government shutdown!
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- On October 1, 2025, the Republican Party forced the government to shut down. As of November 1 it's still shut down - the second-longest shutdown in history after the one King Donald Trump, currently doing business as the president of the United States, engineered in his first failure of a presidency. In only five days, this shutdown will be longer than that one was.
Democrats have offered many plans to end the shutdown, but all have been rejected as they don't contain what the Republicans really want - total eradication of all Democratic-created policies and agencies dating back to President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's New Deal. Further, the Republicans demand that the bills destroying these policies and agencies be sponsored by Democrats so the Republicans can use the bills as ammunition to turn Americans away from the Democratic Party and toward one that is worse in every possible way.
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) and House Budget Committee Ranking Member Brendan Boyle (D-PA) have created an innovative plan to break up the logjam and get the government back to work for America.
"It's very simple," said Minority Leader Jeffries. "We're just going to call ICE headquarters and report to them that the Vice President, the Cabinet, the entire House Republican Caucus and the entire Senate Republican Caucus are in the United States illegally. Since ICE is just reacting rather than looking at what they're doing right now, they'll grab all of them in the middle of the night and ship them off to...I don't know, Siberia or somewhere. By the time they figure out something's not right, we'll have held the majority in both houses for a week and will have made real change."
"We're really looking forward to it," said Ranking Member Boyle. "We're going to reopen the government, make sure this can never happen again by getting rid of the debt ceiling, disband ICE, impeach President Trump, try him for maybe fifty crimes in a court of law, and get him sentenced to rebuild the East Wing all by himself, with his own money, and with only two tools - a hammer and an antique handsaw that hasn't been sharpened since Rutherford B. Hayes was president."
Government scholars believe this plan has a better chance of succeeding at reopening the government than anything else anyone's tried. However, carpentry experts believe the chances of Trump rebuilding the East Wing with only a hammer and a dull saw are very low. "He'll need a drill and some screwdrivers, and a wire cutter so he can put the lights in will probably be necessary. Who knows, maybe he can just gnaw through the Romex (a brand of house wiring) he's installing to get it the right length. People have been given harder jobs."
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