The Rude Pundit: Random CPAC Observations ...

[meegbear]

Rand Paul and Marco Rubio Are Two Sides of a Double-Tailed Coin

1. If you're going to be so anti-GLBT that your chair doesn't even want to hear about anything pro, then perhaps you don't want to hold your Conservative Political Action Conference at the Gaylord National Resort. Just sayin' that you maybe want to avoid the easy jokes. Like simply mentioning "CPAC" and "Gaylord" in the same sentence. It's beneath all of us to make that joke.

2. All of the supposedly profound things that Senator Marco Rubio said at CPAC are utterly illogical bullshit. For instance:

-- "Just because I believe that states should have the right to define marriage in a traditional way does not make me a bigot." Um, the Rude Pundit is pretty sure that the according-to-Webster definition of "bigot" would be someone who wants to prevent some people from having the same rights as others just because that someone is intolerant of those people.

-- &quot T)he people who are actually close-minded in American politics are the people that love to preach about the certainty of science in regards to our climate but ignore the absolute fact that science has proven that life begins at conception." We can argue science and ethics, but, fuck, why bother when you can demolish this argument by inverting it: "People who say that science has proven life begins at conception are close-minded if they don't believe the absolute facts of climate change." Good for the gander, motherfuckers.

-- &quot W)e need a health care reform, but not a health care reform that injects the federal government in a takeover of the world's highest- quality health care industry, but a health care reform that empowers Americans so they can buy health insurance from any company in America that's willing to sell it to them." That last phrase there is the key, no? "Any company...that's willing to sell it to them"? What the fuck does that mean? Sell it to them at an extraordinary price, if at all, because of a pre-existing condition?

3. Rubio is the shittiest storyteller. He regaled the crowd thusly: "There's this couple that I know. They're on my son's tackle football team. He's 7 years old. Their son is 8 years old. This is a couple. They're married. She works as a receptionist, at a dental office, I think, a medical office. He loads boxes from trucks at a warehouse. I don't have to tell you they're struggling. They live in a little small apartment. They share one car. They want -- they're not freeloaders. They're not liberals." Yeah, yeah, ha-ha, on that last line, boy, you got us. Anyways, what is the point of this story? Rubio doesn't say if they're receiving any government assistance (although one can assume that the son goes to public school and that Mom's medical office gets more than a little of its income from Medicare, but, you know, put that aside because, if you're conservative, you have to forget that or your tiny little brains will explode).

You know what the moral is? That only conservatives can help them through the magic of capitalism: "And they're desperate. And sometimes when you're like that -- let me tell you know, no matter how much your principles may be, you're susceptible to this argument that maybe government is the only thing that can help. And that's where we have to come in and explain that that's not true." What the fuck? Rubio never tells us another real thing about the family other than that they exist and he has proximity to them. It's like if Aesop told the story of the tortoise and the hare, stopped when the race started, and said, "Well, that slow-ass tortoise is fucked unless something happens."

4. Everything Rand Paul says sounds like the rantings of a heavy peyote user: "So what I ask the president, if he wants to let the school children back in the White House, what about the $3 million that we spend studying monkeys on meth? Does it really take $3 million to discover that monkeys, like humans, act crazy on meth?" Of course the CPACers laughed. Monkeys on meth? Hilarious. Imagine the possibilities: monkey meth whores offering to blow bonobos for some rock, jungle meth labs blowing up in the trees, Breaking Bananas, awesomeness.

This is an old story; we're years into the conservative glee over the monkey/meth study, which actually has produced actionable research in how to help humans get over drug addiction. But don't let that get in the way of a great anecdote. Meth monkeys. That's hysterical.

5. Later in his speech, Paul offered a line that is so completely wrong that it's breathtaking: "The only stimulus ever proven to work is leaving more money in the hands of those who earned it." So, um, World War II, just as one big, shiny obvious example of the wrong wrongness of this lie of a statement? Of course, it was received with massive cheers and applause because if there's one thing conservative politicians know it's that their followers love to receive heaping, steaming piles of shit served to them on silver platters.

6. Mostly, though, fuck both these guys, the alleged saviors of the Republican Party. The party is beyond saving and the flagging efforts of tools like Rubio and Paul are pathetic in that "oh, fuck, just shoot the lame horse" way. Somewhere in the depths of the Gaylord Resort, you know that a corpulent guy in a tri-corner hat was sitting pantsless, weeping as he tried to yank and will his little dick into an erection while listening to Rubio or Paul, finally getting it to reach a semi-boner before it wilted away, like his movement has.

http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2013/03/random-cpac-observations-rand-paul-and.html

[bullwinkle428]

1. K&R. Notice that Rubio never said WORD ONE about immigration policy!

[Johonny]

2. their heads would really explode if someone told Rubio the concept of charity not capitalism

That poor family on his sons "tackle" football team. The one that is going to be helped by hard work and not the government. Well the old conservative parties solution was... charity. It use to be that Republicans believe the poor needed a helping hand. The argument was if the helping hand was going to come from the government or private charity. Today that helping hand is a middle finger while rich smug assholes like Rubio watch the poor people around him and tell them they are unique Americans for grinding away at 3 jobs while he lives an easy life. A real Republican would end his story about what he is doing to help that family, and the answer wouldn't be protecting free market capitalism. Why would anyone be a Republican anymore the modern Republican can't even remember the BS that magic charity and community action were going to save us. Their just a bunch of greedy assholes that use poor people as props in stories, but have no real empathy for them.

[JHB]

6. How much income tax does this family pay, Marco?

After all legal exemptions and deductions, I would guess their income tax liability is little or nothing.

According to Republican applause lines, that makes them people who feel entitled and who don't take responsibility for their lives.

[OnyxCollie]

3. Love Rude Pundit.

K&R.

[Madmiddle]

4. GOP is so incoherent.

One wonder how they even got elected, unless of course you realize just who we're dealing with. These assholes got elected because they live in a sate where white people are the only ones allowed to freely vote. They also have republicans running the show. So, the incoherants assholes are vast in the GOP. You might even say they're fucking stupid.

[treestar]

5. One of their silliest ideas

Is that every liberal is on government assistance. Now Rubio is extending it - everyone who is not must be a conservative?

Rubio sounds like such an idiot, I bet he's their next POTUS candidate.

[Ganja Ninja]

7. Marco Rubio

Bigot: a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bigot

I really don't get the Rubio hype. He's a sweaty, nervous, little wannabee. He reminds me of a car salesman that has to sell a car this week or he'll lose his job. Nothing about the guy seems presidential. He's a nerdy Cuban frat boy trying to put a Hispanic face on the GOP. All the warmth and charm of Mitt Romney without the cash. All the gravitas of Sarah Palin without the legs.

[meegbear]

8. He's being whored on Hannity ...

been on the show a few times and they red, white and blue chyrons with slogans like:

Rubio "An Amercian Son"

He's being prepped/whored for 2016.

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

9. CPAC having a good old time