Star Wars Episode III.VII.VIII: The Geriatric Menace
I'm old.
That's the lesson that hit me in the face tonight at the theater as I walked out of the auditorium where Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was broadcast in 3D.
Earlier in the evening, I walk up to the entrance and snap a picture of two guys in full Imperial Stormtrooper regalia, supervised by a black-uniformed commander who's been confined to a wheelchair but still radiates that same aura of authority.
Inside, there's Peter Mayhew sitting at a table signing autographs and posing for photos. No, really. The guy who played Chewbacca is really here. I know exactly what I must do - grab an autographed photo of Peter in full makeup. So I wait in line and pay my $30 (I know, I know...) and Peter's assistant asks me if I want the cantina photo with Chewbacca and Han Solo personalized. Hell, yeah. But Peter has a bit of rotten luck with two pens in a row before he finally finds one that works, so he signs the photograph with a careful yet slightly shaky hand and passes the photo to me with "Here you go." And that's the way it works. In, out, hello, goodbye, on to the auditorium which just sold out a few minutes ago. Peter seemed pleasant with some of the other folks in line, but let's face it; he gets tired, too.
In the theater, the only seats left for the taking are in the front rows. Being tall, I don't mind sitting close so much, except that I have to do a lot of "pan and scan" with those 3D glasses over my eyes in order to take in all the action on the screen. The re-release of The Phantom Menace is rather well done with some nice 3D effects that don't overwhelm or bombard you, although the picture was just a tad fuzzy once in a while. But there's the whole story all over again, with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan braving the planetary core of Naboo, Anakin Skywalker smoking the competition in the podraces, Darth Maul unveiling that kickass dual lightsaber, and Jar-Jar Binks generally making a jackass out of himself.
But hearing how the audience oohed and ahhed through the whole movie, I realized something: I'm old.
I don't feel it that much except when my knees protest when I bend down to tie my shoelaces or pet the kitty, but yes, I'm getting up there in years. In two months, I'll be 45 years of age. Not 45 years old. Must remember not to say it like that. Got to keep my chin up. Even though I feel like Bob Cratchit in Dickens' A Christmas Carol.
"But I think he's walked a little slower than he used, these few last evenings, Mother."
They were very quiet again. At last she said, and in a steady cheerful voice, that only faltered once:
"I have known him walk with - I have known him walk with Tiny Tim upon his shoulder, very fast indeed."
Many of you old-timers on DU know exactly what I'm talking about, because it's happened to you as well. And it gently rests on your shoulders like a heavy hand, and you're not quite sure how to shrug it off.
Come on, derby. Ginny once kidded you about running off with some sweet young thing if anything ever happened to her. You told her not to think about it, that you were going to grow old together, that you were going to see what Ginny looked like with gray hair. To which she gave you that look that seemed to say "Oh, come on."
I have to be realistic about this. I may never have any children of my own. But all those people oohing and ahhing in the theater around me? A few of them were fellow adults, sure - but most of them were children. Some of them are being exposed to the Star Wars franchise for the very first time.
These kids love it all. The comic antics of Jar-Jar, the bravery of Queen Amidala, the determination of young Anakin, the quiet discipline of the Jedi Knights, the seething malevolence of the Sith Lords. The kids are eating it all up.
And here's something else to consider. The Phantom Menace was first released in 1999. Think about how much technology has evolved and changed since 1999, and then try watching The Phantom Menace with fresh eyes. The spectators at the podrace on Tatooine are watching the live simulcast on - handheld screens? Screens that look suspiciously like iPads? And what about that plugin unit that allowed Qui-Gon to instantly transfer a blood sample to Obi-Wan many miles away? USB, Wi-Fi - these were still relatively new concepts to many folks back then.
But the kids who are eating up The Phantom Menace don't care about that. They are growing up without ever feeling what the world was like without 802.11n, without a bare minimum protocol of 2.0, without a tablet screen that is capable of streaming video. Little by little, we are heading in that direction. Lightsabers and hyperspace technology might still be out of our reach, but take another look at these kids.
This is becoming less and less of our show - and more and more of theirs. Our generation will be lucky if we can nail down the Higgs boson once and for all. The next generation will take it from there.
And sure, I don't have any sons or daughters, but I do have a nephew named James. He's only 8 months old, and already he's learning how to flirt, the cheeky rascal. That photo of Han Solo and Chewbacca autographed by Peter Mayhew? It wasn't signed "To Derby." It was signed "To James."
Yes, I'm old. But I'm not too old for dubstep and witch house, not too old to get excited about the next killer app, not too old to fall in love again if the opportunity should present itself.
Not to old to realize that these kids love Jar-Jar Binks - and George Lucas may have the last laugh on all of us old folks just yet.
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I just turned 49. 
We now get to spend the next few decades watching our bodies and minds slowly turn into jelly.
I did get a pair of twins 2 days after I turned 46, so there's still hope that you might yet spawn.
But if my mind is going to turn into jelly, I'd rather it be quick and sudden while I'm exploring a remote ghost town in Texas. To feel that unmistakable spring in my head give way, and die with quiet dignity - doing what I love.
I am confident, however, that this will not happen for many years to come. 
