Rick Santorum goes to family physician for erectile dysfunction (Satire)
So Rick Santorum goes to his family doctor with a complaint. It seems that, after decades of successful procreation, he's developed a hydraulic leak somewhere in the system. His once valiant member can no longer stand at full attention when called to service.
"Ah, yes," his doctor replies, "It's not unusual for men your age to encounter this problem. But, fortunately there is a solution. Actually a couple of them. I can prescribe you Viagra or Cialis. Either will do the job, if you get my drift."
Santorum breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God. I was so ashamed and worried."
"Oh, nothing to be ashamed about, Rick. It happens to the best of us."
The doctor pulled out some forms from his desk. "Okay, then let's get started with the paperwork and exam."
"What paperwork?" Santorum asked, pulling the scanty exam robe tighter around him. "And what exam? It's just a pill. Why do I need an exam?"
The doc pulled his stool up to the exam table.
"Rick, I wish I could just write the prescription and let you go about your day, but I can't. It used to be that way with these erectile dysfunction treatments, but no longer. You see, a few months ago a group, Christian Women for Sanity and Sanctity, launched a full frontal attack on ED drugs claiming they not only led to what they called libertine behavior but also encourages rape."
Santorum takes the form, reads it, shakes his head and signs it.
"Okay, now this one in which you attest that you are not a virgin."
Santorum's jaw drops. "I've fathered enough kids to form my own soccer team," Santorum said. "How the dickens could I be a virgin?"
"The law Rick, the law. They said they wanted to prevent amateurs from getting their hands on such high caliber ammo."
Santorum signs it and is handed another.
"Okay, two down. Now sign this one and initial here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
"What's this one," Santorum asks.
"This one describes every potential medical complication that might happen if someone not in top physical shape might encounter if they reengage in sexual activity."
Santorum scans it and signs and initials it where indicated.
"Okay, one more Rick and we're done. This form acknowledges you agree to an intrusive internal rectal exam. And that you release the hospital of any liability should they accidentally puncture anything while up there. And that you understand that pumping you full of air during this process can cause some discomfort and, that in rare cases, death."
Santorum jumped down off the exam table. "Rectal exam? Rectal exam... for Viagra? You gotta be kidding me doc. What sense does it make to do a rectal exam for something involving ... involving... ," Santorum couldn't say it... "something NOT involving the rectum?"
"Well Rick, you know it could have been worse. The original law as it was drafted required that you watch the colonoscopy live on a monitor. That got amended so that now you can refuse to watch, in which case I have to narrate what I see up there to you."
Santorum looked more than a bit stunned. "What about refills?" he asks.
"Same drill every time amigo," the doctor replies, followed by a hearty chuckle. "This law's been a boon for proctologists I'll tell ya."
The doctor glanced at his watch.
"Look Rick, I don't cook it, I just serve it, ya know. This law got passed because these church ladies have, let's just say 'issues' when it comes to anything sexual. They fought FDA approval of ED drugs tooth and nail but lost that battle. So their fall back position became to make it as big a hassle as possible for a guy to get these pills. Now, do you want them bad enough to endure a colonoscopy or not?"
Santorum paced the exam room for a moment. "This is outrageous. What business is any of this to a bunch of church ladies anyway? What the hell do they know about owning and operating a, a, you know".... pointing down... "one of these?"
The intercom buzzer sounded.
"Sorry Rick, but I have other patients waiting. Why don't you go home and think about it and call back for another appointment if you decide to go ahead. You're half way there bro. The papers are all signed. All you gotta do now is lay on a table, spread those cheeks, get lubed up and let us run a six foot hose up your butt for no good reason. It's the price you have to pay if you want the damn pills. Now you can get dressed. See ya Rick."
The doctor left the room, leaving Santorum sitting, mouth agape, limp legs and bare feet dangling over the end of the paper-covered exam table, pulling the thin smock even tighter around him.
As the door closed the doctor thought he heard Santorum mumble something.
"What the f...........?"
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About author Stephen Pizzo is the author of numerous books, including "Inside Job: The Looting of America's Savings and Loans," which was nominated for a Pulitzer. His web site is News For Real.
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