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Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin!
http://wonkette.com/528483/hello-it-is-i-vladimir-putinoday Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times in which he pleaded with the United States to be cautious in its dealings with Syria. Thanks to the type of journalistic legwork you have come to expect from your Wonkette, we were able to turn up the original draft of Putin’s op-ed, before his handlers and diplomats and people with a better command of the English language put their stamps on it. We present it here for your enlightenment.
Greetings, American swine friends. I write to you today from the great city of Moscow, where we are enjoying unusually balmy September weather of nearly 20 degrees on your Fahrenheit scale. Much warmer than relations between your President Obama and myself, yes? Certainly warmer than the liquid nitrogen rocket fuel I have just ordered our glorious Russian military to pump into our nuclear missiles in preparation for launch.
Ha ha, I kid! Is old Cold War joke, not unlike what your hero President Reagan used to make, yes? Please everyone go change mass-produced capitalist underwear from Hanes. I will wait.
You are back? Okey-doke, as you say. America, I speak to you today in your newspaper of record as your great friend. Everyone has that one friend like Russia: greater in land area, richer in natural resources, taller (yes! I am tall like mighty fir tree!), with the muscles and the charisma and the pure sexual magnetism that draws women to him in clubs while you sip club soda in corner before going home alone to shamefully masturbate into old gym sock. That friend who can out-drink you, out-fuck you, and storm into wilderness wearing only loincloth, to return with carcass of Siberian tiger he killed with bare hands.
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6 replies
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= new reply since forum marked as read
Love Wonkette! 
Very funny.
President Assad has long been great friend of the Russian people. He has bought so, so many of our weapons. Certainly he is now using those weapons to kill citizens of his country, but we did not know he would do that when we sold them to him. If I am salesman at your Best Buy and I sell you expensive video camera, and then you take camera back to your tastefully furnished suburban home, with recessed lighting and eat-in breakfast nook and unpayable mortgage, to film child pornography, who am I to stop you? It is now your camera and your home and I, the great salesman, am now assistant assistant manager at Best Buy. Everybody wins!
