Today has been the worst day of my life
I found out today why my husband of almost 20 years wanted to get separated. He was cheating on me. All this time I have been thinking that he really didn't want to leave us- I have been creating excuses in my mind- I have blamed the anxiety pills he's been taking, the blood pressure medicine etc etc.. I wanted to fight for my marriage. We have two small sons who love him and will be as devastated when they don't see their daddy home. I learned he's been talking to a coworker of his for more than six months. Endless calls and text messages..
How can someone be so cold, ruthless? How can he base marriage only something so small as feelings? What about the commitment he made?
I am emotionally destroyed. I feel lost. He was my everything. I trusted him with my eyes closed.
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Others have been through this and can help. 
given all those variables in the universe, the various trickster gods afoot, etc. 
The "trick," I'm realizing is to be as fully present in one's own life as possible.
Perhaps he'll snap out of it. However, I've always found that if someone cheats once, they'll cheat again. I hope you and your wonderful sons get through this and you find peace & contentment. BTW, he sounds like a jerk for ruining your kid's holidays, though.
To separate after the holidays but wanted me to pretend everything was okay and not have a "sad" face until then.
I was going to wait ( for the kids) until I found all the calls and texts that I thought he was using me until the very end so he won't feel guilty.
He was being very selfish and I just couldn't handle it and exploded.
My three year old and 11 year old love him. How am I going thru go to this?
I met him when I was 25 yrs old. Young and naive. I married him thinking he was the perfect man- NY Guard and ángel.
In need to be strong.. 
but I am scared.
but you and your boys will survive and you may even be better off once the pain and anger pass. 
Grrrr... I'm annoyed on your behalf.
When my husband and I were separated, my youngest son was quite affected. But his teacher realized that he had changed...and she did something wonderful.
The teacher's father had just passed away, and she gathered together a little group of children whose lives were being affected by change or loss. They would meet once or twice a week at lunchtime and talk and fill in a little booklet, like a comic book idea, only the lessons were about change or loss. It was called the Rainbow Program, I think.
My son came home one day from school and said that Miss. XXXX had cried because her Dad had died and she said that it was OK for us to cry.
He was maybe in Grade 3... and I owe the world to that very sympathetic and kind teacher.
Within 8 weeks or so, as the children progressed through the lessons.. he became a changed and contented child again. I must say, I relied heavily on counselling myself.. for a long time.
It was support for me.
I wish you luck and courage...
and am sending
have been putting up with that kind of 'please hide any honest and negative response to my selfish actions' BS.
In my experience, you don't often don't know what you CAN do until you HAVE to. I know someone who was married to a selfish (blame everyone else) alcoholic for 4 years and breaking up turned out to be way easier than living together.
How therapeutic your message is. 
sounds like he's dead to rights. even money says he's done a lot more than texting and emailing.... your money could end up going to this new woman
Most of us, I think, go into marriage and really mean it when we say "'til death do us part." Obviously, you did. I admire that.
Peace and hugs.
-Laelth
I hope things get better for you.
May you find healing.
She married in her early 20s to a tall, successful guy. Once she hit 40 it was over. The kids were raised and he cheated on her, then filed for divorce. Divorced and with few options, she went back to school and got a good job. She's doing well today but it took some years for her to recover from it. She's dating again with a guy for the last couple years.
I think it will work out for you too, even though it feels like your world is shattered. You'll recover by drawing strength from your family.
end of this very dark tunnel! I hope you can get some in-real-life support and advice, and that your journey through this has as little pain as possible. I would especially second two pieces of advice - get some legal advice and remember It's Not Your Fault!
getting turned upside down, LukeFL.
It's a shock to our systems and we need the love and support of our family and friends.. and as the marriage counselor advised.. a support group to give us strength when we're going through a loss of a loved one.
he is the one who cheated. You did nothing wrong.
I had an almost two-year marriage years ago that was horrible & the therapy afterwards was almost as long. Even without children it was hard. But like so many others I threw myself into work, kept my therapy appointments, and eventually met someone else. We've been married over 12 years now.
You can do this.
Same thing happened to me this summer, except the other woman was one of my best friends. In fact, as soon as I saw your title, without even reading your post, I thought, "I wonder if this is about infidelity".
In my case, I was completely blindsided, I thought we had a great marriage, had no idea he had been planning stuff with her for almost a year or that both of them (and her husband, they were polyamourous) were all in on it and lying to me. It's actually a long, sad story that I don't want to talk about here (or take away from your immediate crisis), but it's even worse in some ways than "just" infidelity (timing regarding some other personal stuff that was going on in my life when the affair was revealed, how my so-called friend treated me after the fact). It was definitely the worst day of my life when I found out too, and every day after that for months was nearly as bad. I have been through some really bad shit in my lifetime, but my husband's affair + friend's betrayal has trumped everything else by a mile. People who haven't been through a serious case of infidelity often underestimate the fallout - they cannot imagine the depth of unhappiness that infidelity causes (often as much for the cheater as for the betrayed spouse, believe it or not). I have heard people say that they would have rather have had cancer again rather than their spouse cheat on them, or that the loss of their child was not as emotionally hard as dealing with a spouse's affair.
Anyway, there's a good website out there that has kind of saved me over the last six months, called "Surviving Infidelity". I suggest you check it out immediately, BEFORE making any serious life decisions of any kind. Look for the forum called "Just Found Out", and read up about something they call the "180". People in your (our) situation don't always make good decisions when they really need to, because we are so emotionally distraught and confused - it can be extremely helpful to hear some rational viewpoints of people who have been there and are on the other side.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You cannot imagine how sorry I am, and I don't even know you. I wouldn't wish a surprise affair on my worst enemy. 
Please PM me if you need someone to talk to. I don't know exactly how much practical assistance I can give you, as the situationwith my marriage is a bit different than yours and also I am in no way "healed" myself with regard to my own husband's infidelity. Also, that website I talked about has a lot of people on it that are anywhere from 1 day to 20 years away from their own experience with infidelity, and some of them have a lot of words of wisdom, especially for a brand-new betrayed spouse.
Anyway, I wish you the best. Someone out there is thinking of you right now. You are not alone, and you are not the only person this has ever happened to.
I am sure that it seems especially shitty being that it is the holiday season. Please know that you are not alone in this in anyway shape or form. While I know your concern is with your kids, you mentioned that they are quite young kids are very resilient & while they may have lots of questions at first they will adjust a lot quicker than you will. Your kids will give you strengh. Please make your focus on the future & not about him & his stupid shit (i know it's easier said than done).
Make sure you take the advice of everyone about documenting everything for the divorce, but don't let the stress consume you.
Stay strong, this is just a bump in the road.
and it will be difficult to "find your own way". But you will. I know that sounds petty, but you sound like a strong person, even if you're not feeling very strong now.
Know that you have friends you can rely on, even here on DU. So use those resources, and take care of yourself and your kids. Let your friends and family help you. Let us help you.
I know many people who have gone through what you are experiencing, and I know how devastating it is. I am so, so sorry that you must go through this, especially at this time of year, but there's never a good time to get kicked in the gut like you have been.
Sending strength and warm thoughts your way.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I had 4 young children at the time. He had been cheating for over a year. If you want to talk, let me know if you want me to pm you or you can pm me. In the beginning I had to talk with someone who had been there, I felt like my life was over I had to know there was hope. And there is, but you won't be able to see it in your own situation for awhile. Right now you have to concentrate on getting through each moment, each hour. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But you can do it and it will get better.
I can't send enough of these to make a difference, I know, but here are a few anyway. Know if you were here I'd give you a big giant hug in person.
Might be of use.
You must be freaking out. Not t hat this is any consolation right know, but I know people that were blind-sided from the same thing, got through it (it was tough) but came through happier than ever. The children aspect is so hard.
You can still fight for it...counseling, communicating...I've also known people where one had an affair and they got through it.
Mine didn't cheat - that I know of - but was trying to stash assets and the business he had started. We were having problems, but I figured that since we had been together since HS that things would work out. It got damn ugly, damn fast. A good lawyer is your best bet. Mediation only works when both parties are honorable people....
Hold your children close, and see a therapist ASAP !!
I am not even 1/2 way through this divorce yet... It'll get tough. Reach down inside yourself to a memory of you being the strong one (calling out a bully, defending someone...) and hold onto it. You are still that person. The next few days could be worse - they were for me. Therapist and Lawyer ASAP.
wrong path because the only thing worse than knowing your s.o. is cheating on you is N OT knowing that your s.o. is cheating on you.
Your best days are yet ahead of you my friend. You begin the journey to know yourself.
What a shock it must have been. I know this sounds trite and cliche, but I'm sure you've heard "when one door closes another one opens". Maybe fulfilling all that you were meant to be will be some good that comes out of this, though I know how hard it is to imagine. Lean on your friends and family .... it really is a grieving process, and one you can get through. I really am sorry for the hurt he's caused. 
[hr][font color="blue"][center]Precision and concision. That's the game.[/center][/font][hr]
One poster said give your kids' passports to your lawyer. I second that.
Sorry this is happening to you.
That kind of sets the stage for a long, drawn out battle which doesn't do anything good for the kids.
LukeFL -
It's horribly painful now. Get a lawyer and have an initial discussion. When you think you can, set up a meeting with your husband and have a calm talk. Base what happens next on that talk.
On Monday as soon as the bank opens, you must open a new account in your name only, and use funds in the joint account to do it, If you can, take out the max at the atm today and tomorrow
.. Do NOT chat with the banker abut why you are opening a NEW ACCOUNT. Perhaps tell them someone stole your purse and with it your debit card.
Call all your credit card companies & have them issue new cards
It's pretty obvious that he will be leaving the home, but he will not be taking the expenses with him.
and please do call a lawyer.
He has obviously thought all this out and he may have beaten you to the bank accounts, but you have to protect your kids..so do not be afraid to be bold..
It sucks that it's Xmas time, but reach out to family & friends, and do not sugar-coat what has happened.. You will be okay but for now it will hurt like hell,,
Trust in YOU!!!
I know you are just an internet stranger, but I have been thinking about you a lot this weekend. Hope you are doing ok (as well as can be expected, anyway).
I can't imagine it. When I married Ginny, I took the whole "'til death do us part" thing very seriously, even through the ups and downs. She was my best friend, and at times my only friend.
You have a lot of friends and support on this thread, and I wish you love and happiness down the line.
Virtual hugs, if you want 'em.
