To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids.

[LionsTigersRedWings]

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.

But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.






More at link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/#EbcSARXeFxa1gPGZ.01

[PasadenaTrudy]

1. Thanks for posting

I read this yesterday on twitter

[LionsTigersRedWings]

3. you're welcome!!

I just had a friend post it on fb and I had to share before I left to go eat with my parents!!

[NV Whino]

2. Yep.

And thank you. Although I never had any pressure from my family.

[ohheckyeah]

4. Thank you.

There is a lot of societal pressure to have children but I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mother. I don't regret my decision and I have plenty of nieces and nephews.

[Populist_Prole]

30. Societal pressure even among men

Was talking to a guy at work and he was relaying to me how exhausted and stressed out he ( he does look ashen faced and worn out ) and his wife were with 4 small children. I asked the ages and they were very close in age. I asked why so many so soon and why not spread it out over time more so that as new ones come, the older ones can be somewhat more independent and helpful, easing the parents workload. His response floored me: He said in a resigned disgusted tone: "Ehhhh, we just wanted to get it over with and be done with it". As though it was an unpleasant task that has to be done.

If that isn't social pressure, I don't know what is. I felt equal parts of sympathy and contempt for them.

[ohheckyeah]

38. I'm sure men get a lot of pressure, too.

Having children is not the end all and be all to everyone's existence.

[Tikki]

48. You are NEVER done with your children…hope he keeps a four bedroom house, because in today's..

economy he may have a collection of those adult children (with even more adults and children) moving in
and out of his home, forever..





Tikki
ps…, I, also, thank those wise men and women who realize not having children is best for them..
Nothing is sadder than for a child to hear her mother say to her …"I guess I should have never had children"…and mean it.

[RC]

5. My SO never had any kids.

And it looks as if neither of my daughters will have kids. I am fine with that. Not my decision anyway.

[enough]

13. Funny how a lot of people don't understand your last sentence, "Not my decision anyway."

I'm in the same place you are, with two adult daughters who are both unlikely to have children. So many people say to me: "But don't you want grandchildren????" And they seem to think I'm crazy when I say the obvious, that it's not my decision.

I have some personal sadness about it now and then, but I absolutely would not want either of them feel pressure to have kids in order to make ME happy. Most of the time I don't think about it at all, or if I do it doesn't trouble me.

For one thing, everywhere I go, there are PLENTY of kids already!

[RC]

71. Too many people still think babies are some kind of miracle.

No, too many babies are the root of the worlds problems. We need to get our number under control or Mother nature will do it for us.

That said, I neither encouraged not discourage my daughters from having kids. It really is their decision and I will support them either way. (Both are in their early 30's and neither show any signs of wanting any.)

[calimary]

103. As a mother myself, I could not agree with you more.

Apologies for getting preachy for a moment, but THAT is part of what being pro-choice is all about. It's someone else's choice to make, and it's all THEIRS. It just has to be. No one's entitled to make that serious and heavyweight and life-changing a choice for somebody else.

My husband and I have always concurred with the ZPG idea - just replace yourselves. Two kids max. That's what we did. My body sort of made that decision for me - my husband didn't want to risk it again because it was too physically rough on me. I didn't either. Two were PLENTY enough!!! How can you take care of more kids than that? How can you afford more kids than that - unless you're independently wealthy? How do you have the TIME to care for more than two kids? Seemed to me that any one parental unit could only deal with two kids max, anyway. One kid per arm.

We're in no hurry to become grandparents, either. Heck, I told the whole band that! "Boys, you do NOT have permission to make me a grandmother while you're out there on tour! Use a condom, dammit!!!!"

Babies in general are a miracle, BUT that does NOT change the fact that we now have an increasingly serious overpopulation problem on this planet, and there are just too many mouths to feed - compared to the resources and/or capability to feed - and otherwise care for and accommodate them all. We had a visiting tour band from Wyoming stay with us all weekend, and they'd never been to L.A. before. HUGE city compared to the huge open spaces they were used to back home. They were almost reeling with the culture-shock. It was an easy contrast for them - the effects of a huge population on a given area: crowds, traffic, pollution, congestion, rudeness, stress, etc., that they just don't have in their lives in Wyoming. Their idea of a big city was a population of about 600-thousand. Compared to seven-to-eleven MILLION here, depending on which geographic parameters you're talking about!

Population growth is simply becoming unsustainable. Scares me to death! I remember when pat robertson was running for president and would go out on the stump and repeatedly yowl - "what America NEEDS is MORE CHILDREN!" And it just made me shudder. That's what we DON'T need so much. We need wise management and custodianship of ALL our resources, including our ability to breed. For the sake of our very survival on this planet.

[efhmc]

6. The key word here is choice.

I wish we could make our lawmakers understand this. I have seen too many women and the unfortunate children they bear be the recipients of the "must have children burden" that society puts on women. I love my daughters and my grandchildren, but I understand the difference of the choice I made.

[chervilant]

7. For some of us,

it's quite a bit more complicated than "I don't want to have children." I read Rachel Carson's 'Silent Spring' when I was 12 years old. That experience, as I was coming of age in an abusive, alcoholic household, was enough to make my decision relevant and easy.

And, I did get buttloads of censure and criticism for my decision. But, for the last 15 years, my advocacy has been focused on children. I've discovered that I am patient, consistent, and effective in my advocacy, especially with regards to teaching math.

So, the naysayers can kiss my shiny hiney! The children in my life are amazing, and I feel exceedingly blessed by their affection.

[seabeyond]

16. excellent. and it does not mean you cannot play a role in childrens life. what an awesome choice

you make in what i feel is our biggest issue. our children.... thank you

[chervilant]

100. So kind of you to respond, seabeyond!

I have such a wonderful time advocating for children, who are the most honest among us, and who stay in the now with such exuberance! I love the time I get to spend with them!

[politichew]

8. My mother was dogged by everyone for just having one child.

"ARE YOU TRYING?!"

"ARE YOU TRYING?!"

"ARE YOU TRYING?!"

Well, she was trying. But had cysts on her ovaries she found out later in life.

So, there's that aspect of having these kinds of expectations of women as well.

People need to BUTT OUT of these private matters.

[hedgehog]

10. There's a reason they're called "PRIVATE matters" !

People need to butt out - and that means anyone except the potential father!

[Flatulo]

91. My wife and I had just one child, by choice. My idiot sister-in-law badgered us for years, saying

Last edited Mon Dec 16, 2013, 12:06 PM - Edit history (1)

moronic things like "You're not a real family until you have more than one child."

She has four kids, ranging from 14 to 24, and does nothing but BITCH from morning to night about her food bills, college expenses, having five cars in the driveway, you name it. She's fucking miserable.

I'm far too nice to tell her that it was a stupid idea to keep breeding until her piping wore out.

[hedgehog]

9. This is a post I truly support!

[Feral Child]

11. Good post.

My wife has chosen not to have children. I support her decision.

[erronis]

43. kudos for being that type of guy!

Conceiving and caring for children should be a mutual and deliberately thoughtful decision.

Way too frequently it (conception) happens because of unthinking behavior (there are better ways to say this.)

It is probably OK in a committed relationship but can cause a lot of problems in the "one-offs" or forced sex.

(Un)fortunately we are programmed to want to mate/conceive and this programming is deeper in our psyche (closer to the brain stem) than the "hmmm, maybe this wouldn't be a good idea."

[VanillaRhapsody]

12. Thank you so much! No one....and I mean no one...ever said anything like that to me...

about my decision...I have been made to feel guilty quite a bit. In this society if you make this choice you are told you are selfish!

[Triana]

20. I heard that one too.

I was even told there was "something wrong with me" and that I needed a psychiatric exam if I didn't want to have kids.

I found a magazine article about how women who chose to be childless are NOT selfish. Quite the opposite. It explained the thoughtfulness and deep sense of responsibility that childless women employed when making their choice to be childless, as opposed to giving in to societal and religious pressure and having babies just because you're "supposed to". It pointed out how women who chose childlessness were oh-so-NOT "selfish" but rather thoughtful, responsible and intelligent.

I cut it out and sent it to my ob-gyn who had previously refused to sterilize me (I was in my late 20s, divorced, had been on the pill for over a decade - which is dangerous - and KNEW I never wanted kids). I wrote him a letter and sent it along with the cut-out article. The letter basically said: "See here. This article is about ME. I KNOW what I want and what I don't!"

His office called me the next week and offered to do the surgery. I have NEVER regretted the decision. Women KNOW what's right for themselves. They don't need society, the church, family or men telling them. They can decide for THEMSELVES.

[VanillaRhapsody]

26. I agree totally

though I was on the pill 18 yrs....and no doctor ever said it was dangerous. It is MORE dangerous to get pregnant...that is what they all told me. Not one doctor ever worried about the length of time I was on the pill. (being poor I saw a new doctor every year...so that's alot of doctors). The only real long term danger of taking the pill for extended periods of time...is after 35 and you smoke. I did at the time, so they stopped prescribing them to me at the age of 36.

edited to add that the Mayo clinic says:

Birth control pills: OK to take indefinitely?
How long can I safely continue taking birth control pills?

Answer
from Mary M. Gallenberg, M.D.

You can take birth control pills as long as you need birth control or until you reach menopause, as long as you're generally healthy and don't smoke. This applies to all types of birth control pills, including combination birth control pills and progestin-only birth control pills.

Birth control pills aren't recommended for certain women, however, including women age 35 or older who smoke and women who have certain medical conditions, such as blood-clotting disorders or uncontrolled high blood pressure. Some types of birth control pills aren't recommended for women who are breast-feeding.

Years ago it was thought that prolonged use of birth control pills would interfere with a woman's subsequent ability to conceive, but this has been shown to be false. Similarly, doctors used to recommend taking an occasional break from birth control pills, but this offers no benefits and may increase your risk of an unplanned pregnancy.

Some research suggests that prolonged use of birth control pills increases the risk of certain types of cancer, such as cervical cancer and liver cancer. However, use of birth control pills also decreases the risk of other types of cancer, such as ovarian cancer and endometrial cancer. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/birth-control-pills/AN01765

[Triana]

32. Same thing the doc told me ie: "pregnancy is more dangerous than the pill"

And - I did smoke at the time, so that added to the danger factor. I've long since quit - but at that time I smoked.

[VanillaRhapsody]

61. Well we mustn't continue this myth that long-term use of birth-control pills is dangerous

as your post stated. Because that is simply not true at all. There are a lot of myths associated with the pill let's not be part of that continuing. More people should opt to be childless not fewer...perpetuating the myth that long term birth control is dangerous is just as bad for us as calling those that chose to be childless selfish...

[get the red out]

96. Yes, I don't get the "selfish" argument

How can a person be "selfish" towards someone that doesn't exist? It makes no sense at all.

[seabeyond]

14. i figured this would inevitably create a battle. and it did not. good for you. agree totally. nt

[Triana]

15. Yep. I heard it all.

Including: "your main purpose in life is to bear children." (ie: Women aren't human. They're breeding cattle)

Well. THAT did it. Never wanted any to begin with. Never had any. And never again went NEAR the Taliban asshole who told me that!

You're welcome.

[MadrasT]

19. What I hear is...

"Well for MOST women their main purpose in life is to bear children, but I know you're different."

As if I am some kind of freak.

Yeah, that little "but I know that you're different" really doesn't make it any better.

There are plenty of women who have children and that fact is just one component of their life -- not their entire purpose for being.

[catbyte]

17. You're welcome! I am pushing 60 & never regretted not having kids.

[tblue]

18. Women in poorer countries should have that choice

I wish we could provide all of them with the means to make that choice. There is nothing wrong whatsoever in deciding not to have children. Overpopulation will be the downfall of the human race. It's just reckless and stupid not to address it.

[loudsue]

41. Thank you for bringing that up. Overpopulation in the world is starting to be the downfall of the

human race as we speak. And giant corporations are using that as an excuse to create frankenfood, that makes us weaker than we need to be, and fatter, which makes us more easily controlled.

There is nothing wrong with having a family IF SOMEONE SO CHOOSES. But putting too many people on earth has to start being a consideration, and taken as a responsibility of every child-bearing age couple. The world bless those who adopt! Maybe adopt two for every one you want to bear? That would make some nice sized families, for those who feel like they need a larger family.

[Warpy]

78. The only way to do that is to educate women

and elevate the status of illiterate women by investing in their businesses.

Once women see themselves as something other than breeding stock they tend to demand contraception and limit their childbearing.

Another way they've done this is in the slums of Brazilian cities through providing electricity. People bought cheap TV sets and watched telenovelas that featured rich women with only one or two children holding jobs. That also did the trick, women limiting their families and starting businesses, often with as little as a blanket and one case of shampoo in a local marketplace.

Women who have been convinced by tradition that their only value lies in the number of male children they have need to be shown a different way. All the free birth control in the world won't do a thing, otherwise.

[get the red out]

95. Absolutely

It makes me so sad to see women with no choices in their lives.

[LittleGirl]

21. I didn't choose not to have children

My health prevented it. I wanted children so badly and I did find a husband that didn't want children either. But that was after I had to surgically remove those organs so he knew from the get go. Thank you but please consider that some women like me just couldn't have them and have wondered how my life would have been if I had been able.

And my family? They don't consider that I might have valid points when it comes to child rearing even though I never raised a child. They have said - "What do you know ? You never had children so you don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" Yeah, they suck.

[Veilex]

31. "What do you know ? You never had children so you don't know what the fuck you're talking about!"...

That style of response to nearly anything is asinine.
The human animal is all about empathy and social connectivity... People tend to have vivid imaginations, so it doesn't take much for a person to learn what any given situation is like. The "what do you know?" attitude does nothing but establish a gulf between the well meaning and the pseudo offended... there's enough hate and discontent in the world without people with too much pride adding more.

[LittleGirl]

46. thank you

I appreciate your comment so much. I am a bleeding heart so that response from them was really hurtful.

edit typo

[Major Nikon]

40. I think the intent of this message is a bit different

While it's certainly commendable for someone (man or woman) to make a responsible decision regarding family planning, I think the message here is to send a big 'fuck you' to those who think women only have value as a wife and mom. The fact that you can't have kids doesn't devalue you as a person any more than someone who doesn't want to have kids.

[LittleGirl]

45. It is a bit different

on this thread. I agree. Thank you for your devalue comment. Much appreciated and made my day.

What I don't understand is how so many people's lives are defined by their children. My brother and his wife have absolutely no life and live through their children who are now college age. They've turned into raging alcoholics and unfortunately, their 20 yr old son is now following suit. Tea baggers to the max.

I am happy that I didn't pass my poor health (inherited) to any one else. For that I'm grateful. Some of my other nieces and nephews that have children have questioned the future of their children in liberal ways that just thrills me considering their tea bagger Mother! ha.

[JustAnotherGen]

102. Childless by Chance here too

There are some things people can never understand - but some of us do.

[LittleGirl]

105. thanks eom

[Nye Bevan]

22. I don't express either approval or disapproval, as it's none of my business.

If a woman wants to raise 12 kids, good luck to her. None of my business. If she can't or doesn't want to have kids, fine. Equally none of my business. My choices are none of anyone else's business and everyone else's choices are none of my business.

Oh, and older people just need to shut up with that "when are you going to make me a grandparent" crap. The "none of your business" thing applies just as much to your kids as it does to everyone else.

[Holly_Hobby]

23. I didn't have children

Never wanted them, don't regret it. There are serious physical, mental and addiction issues in my gene pool. I didn't want to take the risk in passing on such serious ailments.

I spent my 25th birthday in the hospital having a tubal ligation. I was single, had no children, and couldn't find a doctor to do it, all of the gynos here were Catholic in Catholic hospitals. So I went to Planned Parenthood. Their only stipulation was that I was 25 and sign a consent form. This was in 1981.

However, I have 3 dogs and a husband, I tell people I have 4 children

[Curmudgeoness]

50. I also could not find a doctor to do a tubal ligation.

I was 30, had no children and did not want children. I was on the pill, I smoked, and they said that I would have to stop the pill soon. But they had no alternatives for me. The reason I was given for refusing to do a tubal ligation was 1) I had no children and might regret it later and 2) I needed to have consent from my husband as well as myself, but since I had no husband, that was not possible.

I went to four doctors before I found a female Polish ob/gyn would hardly spoke English who had no problem with it after hearing my reasoning for it. That was about the same time that you had it done. I hope things have changed for women now.

[Holly_Hobby]

65. The pill was not an option for me,

it gave me chronic yeast. However, the Planned Parenthood surgeon didn't question me at all. He explained the procedure and that it was permanent, giving me a chance to back out, up until the mask went on.

I too hope things are easier for women making that choice today. Reaching that decision isn't an easy one, but once you decide, it should be made available. Period. And whether you're married or not or have children or not is irrelevant, IMO!

[REP]

89. Not a lot easier these days

I had my tubal fulguration (had the tubes burnt almost completely away) over 10 years ago, and not only have I never wanted children, it would probably kill me to try to carry a pregnancy to term. Despite that, it took nearly five years to find a surgeon who didn't ask anything other than the required informed consent questions.

[Curmudgeoness]

107. It took five years?

I feel for you. It seems incredible that, knowing carrying a child would probably kill you, doctors would still refuse. What did they say you were supposed to do to make sure that you did not get pregnant? Abstinence (LOL)? Abortion if you did get pregnant? WTF.

[HockeyMom]

98. We were 35 and had 2 kids

and didn't want any more. We had to listen to a lecture by the doctor. Since you only have girls, what if you decide you want a boy? We wanted 2 CHILDREN and didn't care what their gender was. What if something happens to your children (as in they die). Well, then we will be CHILDLESS. Then I had to give my consent and he had to wait 24 hours for his vasectomy.

Even if you DO have children, it seems there are some people who think it is never enough. I used to to tell people what is wrong with having only daughters (or sons)? You have a child or more children because YOU want them, and it's nobody else's decision.

[Curmudgeoness]

106. Your last line is what really matters.

It's nobody else's decision.

I am surprised at the number of reasons that doctors can throw at you. No one ever asks questions before you are "allowed" to have children. Like---what if you lose your job and can no longer afford to feed those kids you are having?---what if you have a disabled child who will take constant care, do you have a way to live on one income?---what if something happens to one of the parents (as in they die), can you continue caring for the children?---do you realize that you will have to find a bigger house to rent since you cannot rent a house without enough bedrooms?

At least they (finally) did the vasectomy. Seriously, I had doctors refuse to do the tubal.

[chknltl]

24. With what we are doing to this planet....

Last edited Sun Dec 15, 2013, 08:37 PM - Edit history (1)

...it may be ok to thank everyone who has decided not to have kids.

When I think of the nasty future predicted for this planet because of global warming...

When every time I step outside my door on a rainy day I have to wonder if there is any Fukishima in that rain or even in my food or drink and the long term consequences..

Don't get me wrong, I love kids-love all kids. Children look to us for entertainment, nourishment, stability and did I mention that they count on us to be there for them, to protect them from harm.

I have never nor could I ever deliberately harm a child. What we are doing to this planet hurts children. I find that intolerable.

Yeah, not exactly on topic but that is my 2 cents regarding having children.

[Helen Borg]

25. I don't have kids...

But my sisters have a total of 3 daughters, and we love each other. If you do the genetic calculations, that comes out as if I had one kid and a half. Not too bad.

[Veilex]

27. The only part of this that saddens me...

is that most of those on DU are smarter than average... and we (the population) need more intelligent parents to raise the next set of brilliant minds. That said, I wholeheartedly advocate choice! Kudos to those who've chosen to not have kids! And Kudos to those choose otherwise!

[joeglow3]

104. And wehave a winner

Idiocracy, here we come....

[love_katz]

28. Thanks for the OP, and for the posts in this thread.

I chose in high school to never have children, and I have NEVER regretted that decision.

A couple of posts really resonated for me: "overpopulation will be the downfall of the human race, and it is stupid and reckless not to address it." Exactly, + 1 million!

The idea that the Talibornagains have that women are not people, we are just breeding cattle:

And, last but not least, having kids is a private decision and other people need to BUTT OUT!

Bless you and thank you all, for this thread.

[grahamhgreen]

29. Absolutely, and men too, if I may:)

[virgdem]

33. Thank you!

For me, having kids was not a tough decision, nor was it planned that way. But I'm happy I never had kids anyway. The only place I ever took "flak" for not having kids was as a Navy wife while stationed with my husband in Guam. The other Navy wives couldn't understand why I didn't want kids and I was almost 40 at the time. I basically told them that it was a personal decision and none of their business and that finally shut them up. I felt that I was living in the 1950's with that mind set. It was a really strange time for me, as I didn't fit the mold of the typical Navy wife.

[BlueJazz]

34. She would be the perfect one for me.

[geek tragedy]

35. Why only women? Decisions re: children involve more than one person typically nt

[Paladin]

36. K&R. This doesn't get said enough. (nt)

[Blue_In_AK]

37. My youngest daughter, who is 28, asked me not too long ago

if I would be upset if she decided not to have kids. I said of course not, especially since my other two girls had three kids a piece. Three daughters, six grandchildren, the average is just right.

[enough]

83. "Just right?" On average, every woman should have two children?

And every woman should have six grandchildren?

Just right for whom?

[Blue_In_AK]

84. So I had three kids?

Sue me.

[Jamaal510]

39. I'm a man,

and I don't see myself wanting kids. The problem I have right now is that my GF has told me that she wants kids in the future. To me, having a child is expensive, there is a bunch of work involved, and is a huge responsibility. It is basically an eighteen year commitment that one must contemplate long and hard about. Once you have kids, your freedom all but goes out the window.

[rickford66]

47. It doesn't end at 18.

Count on it.

[Egalitarian Thug]

56. Having children defines the rest of your life, period.

As someone that's already been down the road you are contemplating, I'll tell you that you and she have to come to terms on this issue or you will both be better off going your own ways.

[Jim Lane]

59. Unsolicited advice

I posted my comment (below) on a similar situation before seeing yours. Frankly, you have to think very seriously about whether you can make this work. The trouble is that there's no middle ground about having kids. Either you make that enormous eighteen-year commitment (and spend eighteen years with some festering resentment) or she gives up something that's very important to her (and her resentment probably festers even longer than eighteen years).

When I was in that situation, I said goodbye to the woman. We hadn't gotten to the stage of being BF-GF, so it was less traumatic than it would be in your case -- but I have to suspect that you and she may be just postponing the inevitable.

I feel for you, man. Good luck!

[Demobrat]

62. All true. And when you tell her that

You will get the you must be selfish response, just like women do. There's really only one answer and that's vasectomy. Once it's done its done, the discussion is over and if its a deal breaker with your GF that's a shame but its better than any of the alternatives.

[LittleBlue]

63. My only advice

Don't just think about 18 years, think about the rest of your life. Will you want kids in 10 years? 20? 50?

Luckily as a guy, you pretty much have your whole life to decide.

[Cassidy]

87. As men age, the probability that their children will be born with medical problems increases, too.

Beginning in their mid-30's women have an increasing chance of having chromosomal abnormalities, resulting, for example, in Down syndrome. This is widely known. What is unfortunately much less well known is that, beginning in their mid-30's, men have an increasing chance of point mutations in their gametes. These types of mutations result in increased likelihood of diseases like autism and schizophrenia in their children.

Their biological clock ticks for men, too. They are just less aware of it.

[Joel thakkar]

99. ummm..yes but there is a solution

"biological clock ticks for men, too"


You may be right but young men can freeze their good quality sperm for future use.

[lumberjack_jeff]

64. When I was 20, I felt exactly as you do.

At 50, I feel absolutely the opposite.

Mine is one person's opinion.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

88. Be honest and up front about it.

I have always let it be known before a relationship started that I don't believe in the legal construct of marriage and I don't want kids....and that if you can't be happy with that, please walk away now or let us at least agree that eventually this will end so let's not get too serious. I actually had what I thought was a great long term relationship end when one night suddenly I was hit with "When are you going to outgrow this no marriage no kids bullshit?" after years of hearing "I don't want to get married or have kids, I like our life together". She admitted she never changed her mind, just expected me to eventually and was waiting me out. It hurt tremendously, but at least looking back I was the one who was always honest.

The societal pressures of marriage and parenthood on both women and men is obnoxious. People should be free to decide for themselves, not bow to family and friends like having kids is getting the new iPhone or whatever keeping up with the Joneses metaphor your want to use.

[Moonwalk]

42. Thanks for posting this! There's a weird equation of "selfishness" with choosing....

...not to have kids if you're a woman. It's that friggin' "giving tree" mentality combined with antifeminism (the feminist as a woman who wants job, travel and things over a family—strangely, if men want job and travel and things they're admired). Women are supposed to have kids and sacrifice their lives to those kids, and unless you're a nun, if you sacrifice your life to anything else, you're selfish.

I'm glad to see that this view seems to be changing if only little. If I may get on a short soapbox here for just a minute....

I think that women and men should strive to be the best human beings they can be, and do the most they can for the human race. That's being selfless. And this includes being thoughtful about whether parenthood is the right way to be the best person you can be. It is wise, not selfish, to forgo having kids that you really don't want, and really can't give your love, time and energy to.

[Jim Lane]

44. That line about "never find a husband" is especially annoying

For some women, obviously, that's not a big consideration.

But for those who would like to be married, let me advise you that there are plenty of men who don't want to be fathers. Although the societal pressure to reproduce is directed more strongly at women, a man who says he doesn't want kids gets some of it too. We're out here.

Some years ago I went on a couple dates with a woman who interested me a lot -- the chemistry was great from the beginning. As we got to know each other, however, it developed that she definitely wanted kids and I definitely didn't, so it had no long-term potential. The point is that, yes, sometimes a woman who says she doesn't want kids will lose a man over that, but sometimes it will work the other way.

[alarimer]

51. Or, like me, find someone who's already had kids.

My boyfriend has 5, all grown. He's done that, doesn't want to go there again (in fact can't). So it suits me just fine.

[Jim Lane]

60. Yes, that can be a good solution for men, too.

I'm now old enough that many of my peer-group women are divorced or widowed with grown children.

I'm glad you and your BF found each other!

[LibDemAlways]

49. My one and only child was born

when I was 40 after 20 years of marriage. Best thing that ever happened to me. However, I respect every woman's right to have or not have children. I tell my daughter who is 20 now that she is free to live her life as she chooses, and I don't care one way or the other if I ever become a grandmother. I've been childless and was fine with it. And then I raised one child and was fine with that, too. Guess I've had the best of both worlds.

[Curmudgeoness]

52. And thank you for posting this.

No one says thank you to me, but I have heard all the other comments that are much less kind. I even tend to agree that I am probably selfish for not wanting children, but that is not anyone else's business. Whatever the reason, and I have many, I just knew that I was not meant to be a mother. And that was ok. It does a disservice to all childless women, no matter why they are childless, to judge them for it.

[question everything]

53. It used to be that peope had children so that they would take care of them when they are old

and, I think, in some cultures, it is still true.

When many think that the viability of Social Security is "seniors problem" they should think, perhaps remember, how it used to be in previous generations.

The homes certainly were smaller, but families did take in elderly parent, or an aunt, or, sometimes just a friend of the family, who could no longer work, could no longer live alone.

[Nika]

54. Thank you for the thread

I indeed love kids, but never for a moment wanted any of my own. In this nightmare world when Re Thugs are working overtime to take the right to chose away from women, it is important to remember that the choice to have kids belongs to the people who can have them; not some dried up old political hack in a statehouse or D.C.

[SHRED]

55. and thanks for help saving the planet

[fierywoman]

57. someone to take care of you ...

Triana -- thank you from my heart for the quote from the study!
I chose not to have kids because I didn't think it was/would be fair to the child (i.e., I felt the societal pressure, but felt queasy about it.)
Years ago, people would say, "But don't you want someone to take care of you when you're old?"
I spent years out there playing music. Now I teach music to kids. It turns out they consider me a kind of role model/mentor, they love my stories and many have told me they appreciate knowing someone who didn't take the path they're all pressured to take.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

58. I never wanted kids...

Never was into babies. Only child of an exceedingly sick Borderline Personality Disordered mother and a successful workaholic/alcoholic Dad who was away on business most of the time.

But also, at some point--I don't remember when--I knew that overpopulation was destroying us, and everything beautiful on the planet. I did not want to contribute to that.

I don't have any family. But having kids is no guarantee you'll be cared for by them in your old age, anyway. There are too many bad decisions made every second regarding making more people.

I think the one best thing anyone can do for the planet is not add to the human population.

[Squinch]

69. I actually love kids, but strangely, never wanted one of my own. I work with

kids, so coming home to a quiet, clean home is one of my happiest times of day.

I'm the village part of "It takes a village."

[BlancheSplanchnik]

74. nice way of putting it

In the village part of "it takes a village"

I work with college age Deaf kids. I like them and I like what I do.

And it would be fine if I didn't work with young people too

Women should remember not to appologize for not being involved with kids if they're not involved with kids!

[Squinch]

82. My first career was child-free.

With an expense account and a lot of travel. Loved that one too.

[NMDemDist2]

66. You're welcome n/t

[kiva]

67. Deleted

[a la izquierda]

68. I have no maternal bone in my body.

I don't like kids, except my relatives' kids...even then, I have limited patience.
If my mother in law or sister in law asks me one...more...time...

[smirkymonkey]

81. I an exactly like you.

love my nieces and nephews in extremely small doses. Pretty much can't stand their friend's kids.

[Liberal_in_LA]

70. kick

[liberal_at_heart]

72. and thank you to those who having kids is being true to who you are. We should all be true to who

we are. If not having kids was right for you, then that is great. If having kids was right for you, then that is great. I celebrated my daughter's 19th birthday yesterday. She is such a great kid. My favorite part of being a parent is seeing who they grow up to be.

[smirkymonkey]

73. Thank you too!

I have given it a great deal of thought and decided that it was better not to reproduce.

[MrModerate]

75. I'm not female, and I do have kids, but . . .

I'd think the most frequent response to your 'thank you' would be "Sure. Now mind your own business."

Just sayin'.

[RoccoR5955]

76. IMNSHO...

Children are a source of "pollution."
There are already too many people on this planet.
We should start shaving the population, not increasing it, in the name of someone's "right" to bear children.

Mind you, I am not a woman, but you can thank me for not having children.

This is similar to the answer to the question when I am asked if I have any kids. My simple reply is, "Thank me for not reproducing."

[BainsBane]

77. Why?

I don't understand why I need to be thanked for not having children.

[PumpkinAle]

79. We chose not to have biological children but

did adopt - and we have been so happy with our decision. It has been hard - children had some problems - but well worth it.

[lordsummerisle]

80. I had a coworker once

who had a t-shirt with an art deco design showing a woman in tears saying "oh my God I forgot to have children!". I've searched but haven't been able to find it...

[Demobrat]

85. The artist is Roy Lichtenstein

Google Lichtenstein forgot to have children.

[NYC_SKP]

86. .

[lordsummerisle]

97. Thanks for finding this! n/t

[Jamastiene]

90. I chose not to have them, until I found a lifelong partner who would be

able and interested in helping raise them.

Of course, there are plenty of single parents who do a WONDERFUL job of raising their children alone, but I DO believe it would be too difficult for me to raise a child alone and I never found a lifelong partner.

To add to it, early menopause is further cutting off those chances. So, it is really too late, which means little Simon Christopher and little Deborah Joan will never exist now.

It is for the best. I'd rather children have loving homes where they can be cared for adequately than be stuck with someone who doesn't have the know-how or stamina to raise one alone.

So, no kids here and likely will never be.

[Paper Roses]

92. Well said. Childbearing is a choice women should be allowed to make without comment from others. n/.

[The2ndWheel]

93. Unless it's a well said thank you

[get the red out]

94. You're welcome

Thank you for posting this! I am nearly 50, so for a while now the message I receive is "Won't you regret......(fill in the blank, basically my whole life because I never wanted to be a mother)".

There are many reasons people may choose to not have children. I am so grateful to live in a country and a time where I could make this choice.

[LynneSin]

101. I am so tired of the 'Once you have them you'll change your mind about kids'

Serioiusly?

What if I have kids and realize I still didn't want to have them. Not like I can return them and say 'Sorry I changed my mind'. This is why I adored being an Aunt. I could dote on the kids for a few hours here and there and then send them back to their parents when they got too annoyingly out of control.

And you know how I picked out a real estate agent. She was the only one that didn't try selling me overpriced, larger houses based on a non-existant family. I seriously had agents (all of them men) who tried to sell me houses based on a future husband and kids that did not exist in my life.