Dealing with a compulsive liar in the family at Christmas dinner.

[CTyankee]

Does anyone else have a compulsive, chronic liar in their family that you HAVE to interact with during the holidays? I don't mean a pathological liar because I think that is more serious. Ours is just someone who "married in" to the family and, for whatever reason, holds forth at family gatherings about stuff she obviously just makes up. Things she's done, feats she's accomplished, natural talents she just naturally has.

Like flatulence, her stuff just sits in the air around the holiday table every year. It takes a lot away from the nice spirit of the holiday. And maybe it is getting more serious. Her latest ramble was how she once took a trip to Mexico without knowing any Spanish and was speaking it so well when she returned 10 days later the U.S. agents at the border weren't going to let her back into the country because they thought she was an alien trying to get in to the U.S. illegally. Usually her stuff is pretty harmless, about the dish she "made" when it is provable (and she gets confronted with that proof) that she didn't, and can be laughed off. We just open another bottle of Pinot Noir (interestingly,she doesn't drink). But I'm thinking this thing might be getting serious...

[MADem]

1. Pretend you're in an SNL skit....

Answer every claim she makes with "Yeaaaah....that's the ticket! You don't say!"

And since she doesn't drink, all the more for you!

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

2. Make a game of it

every time she lies, tug on your earlobe.

Get the other family members to do the same.

Last one to tug an earlobe is a poopy-head. If the kids are not around, last one to tug the earlobe has to chug the glass of wine.

... just to keep it from getting serious ...

Merry Christmas!

[CTyankee]

13. At this point, it's not serious and I really think it is how she deals with her reality given who

she is married to in the family.

We kinda do make fun of it later, after she has left or the next day at breakfast. But it can be an annoyance. One Christmas she breezed through the kitchen and asked my daughter and me what we were making (which was a then considered a rather obscure Florentine dessert called "panna cotta&quot . When we told her she said "Oh, yes! I've made THAT!" Geez...

[msanthrope]

3. "Cool story, bro," and ignoring her is what she needs. There is no shaming

into silence of that type.

[CTyankee]

7. We are usually too blindsided by her latest confabulation to say anything. It comes out of nowhere.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

4. Act all impressed, say something like, "Really?? Tell me more!"

See how elaborate and bizarre a yarn you can get her to spin. Might be fun.

[MattBaggins]

6. See that's brilliant

[Scuba]

80. Yep, keep getting her to embellish the story until it's miles beyond absurd. Fun for all.

Or go with the "I did that too - on a unicycle!!" response if you don't mind a little confrontation in your life.

[Mojo Electro]

84. "I did that too - on a unicycle!!"

[FSogol]

93. ...in the middle of the Atlantic!

[Mojo Electro]

95. It reminds me

of the old "how far I had to trudge to school" stories...."through snow THIS deep.... uphill, both ways!!"

[SummerSnow]

5. Omg yes..

My aunts husband is a compulsive liar. At family get togethers he tells the same lies. And they are huge ones.

[Matariki]

8. I know someone like this. He really wants people to like him

Actually, he's really a likable person, so the lying always was baffling. He's been doing some therapy though, assuming he's dealing with his insecurity and need to be liked by impressing people, because he doesn't seem to be telling tall tales anymore.

We (my boyfriend and our mutual friends) would not engage with his obviously fabricated stories but no one confronted him either. I'm glad he finally addressed the root cause.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that your in-law might be telling lies not out of any viciousness but perhaps she developed a pattern because she thinks that it's the only way people will thinks she's worth anything. Compassion mixed with a refusal to acknowledge obvious lies might be the best strategy.

[CTyankee]

16. Oh, yes, I know. This is a pretty mild thing to deal with and actually my daughter stopped her cold

during one Thanksgiving dinner table interaction. My son asked who made the pumpkin pie and she said that she did and my daughter said "Ruth, you were here when you ordered it! I heard you make the phone call." Her response was, lamely, "well, it didn't happen..." Everybody just stared at their plate...

[frazzled]

9. "That reminds me of the time ..."

To test her grasp on reality, maybe instead of commenting on her stories, you should just try responding with a made-up story of your own, to see if she "gets" it: "That reminds me of the time I was in Barcelona, and we went to a flamenco cafe. There was a point in the show where they invited people to come up to try their hand at it, and even though I'd never done it before, apparently I blew their socks off, because they offered me a permanent job as a flamenco dancer on the spot. It was tempting, but I decided I needed to get back home."

Or, present a bowl of ordinary mashed potatoes at dinner and blushingly say how your mashed potatoes won first prize at the County Fair. Get family members to recall the honor and all join in the praise for your mashed potatoes!

It seems like it would be tempting to get angry at someone lying like this, or to simply make fun of it. But maybe she really can't help it. Maybe it's an illness and she really doesn't realize that what she is doing does not comport with reality.

[CTyankee]

22. Now that Barcelona story of yours is JUST like something she would make up!

You nailed it!

Actually, at Thanksgiving I did just the opposite! I was going to make baked brie but the cheese lady at Whole Foods said I should try their already made, frozen, baked brie. It sounded good so I decided to buy it and bring it to Thanksgiving. While I was preparing it (i.e. unwrapping it and putting it in the oven, LOL), I rather loudly proclaimed how I had slaved over the preparation for this creation, greatly exaggerating anything I "had" to do in its making. I said "I know some people would go on and on about how they worked so hard on this, but I MUST confess that I bought it frozen at Whole Foods!" THAT little satire was roundly appreciated by everyone else!

[A HERETIC I AM]

63. It wasn't Barcelona....

it was Tangiers.

And you were drinking a Martini in the corner, leaning against a full sized stuffed Moose.

[Chellee]

69. You're both wrong...it was Kuala Lumpur.

And those weren't martinis, it was Stoli with two olives and a twist. Also, that was not a moose, it was an acromegalic aardvark. Those antlers were just pasted on. Honestly, the poor quality of the taxidermy was just shameful in an establishment of that sort. I was appalled.

I'm not surprised you missed it, you were organizing that spontaneous rumba marathon, remember? How much did you win again? 400 ringgit, if I recall correctly.

[A HERETIC I AM]

75. Ah yes....

It's the two olives with the Stoli that does it.

Fuzzes the memory.

400 ringgit on the nose.

And a date with Paula Poundstone, though she was only 6 at the time


BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER!

I don't know why I organized that marathon. I hate the damned Rumba. I'm more of a two-step kind of fella, myself. You're right about the pasted on antlers though. Worst job of worst taxidermy I ever saw.

[Chellee]

88. Well she was precocious...

It was such a set up though; who would have predicted that little Paula's manager would be working for the KGB and trying to assassinate Laslow, the maraca player?

It was the band that insisted that it be the Rumba, of course most of them were Cuban. You just don't see all that many Cuban-Hungarian dance bands.

You were brilliant though; the way you sprang into action and prevented the assassination when Paula spilled her cherry phosphate. What a perfect diversion, torn between his desire to fire that crossbow, and also stop Paula from staining her dress with phosphate residue. When did you learn that combination of jujitsu and cattle roping?

I would have helped, but between smuggling Laslow out through the kitchen, and finding a replacement cherry phosphate for Paula there just wasn't time.

[angstlessk]

10. She must think your family is so awesome and interesting she has to compete with lies

I feel sorry for anyone who has to lie to pump themselves up...she must feel very inadequate...

[CTyankee]

27. Yes, I do think that she feels culturally disadvantaged...and in other ways...

I think her marriage is emotionally abusive. The cultural thing is of her own making in many ways.

[xulamaude]

40. It's good to hear that you have some insight into why she does these things

and don't feel the need to shame or harangue her about it.

[CTyankee]

42. everybody feels sorry for her in that respect. what else can you feel?

[xulamaude]

47. You know, I just realized that almost all of the folks

on this thread who know someone like this are referring to them as a 'he'.

I'm trying to think if I've ever known a woman like that... men, yes, lots of them actually but not a woman.

[CTyankee]

50. Yes, it is a she in my family.

I can't figure it out except that her marriage has obviously not worked out well for her. But then none of us knew her before she married into the family so...

[enlightenment]

11. I suppose you could run a secret contest

among the family members who do not go home with her at the end of the day. Have everyone sit down and write the following on a piece of paper. No one looks at anyone else's sheet until after she is safely gone.

Two parts:

1. Winner is the person who comes closest to the number of tall tales she will tell over the course of the meal (or the gathering as a whole).

2. Winner is the person who invents the most outlandish tale tale that she might tell - extra points if she actually tells some version of this tale at the gathering.

For amusement, each person should have an identifiable "secret word" that all the other contestants know. When she tells a tall tale, you all try to inject your secret word into your next comment. For example: as you pass the stuffing, she starts to tell a story about her experience as a pastry chef at a Michlin starred restaurant. Your secret word is "cranberry", so you turn to the person next to you and say "more of that delicious cranberry compote, Nigel?" Nigel, who chose (unwisely) "diverticulitis" then responds with, "no thank you, CT, those little seeds are murder on my diverticulitis . . ."


In other words, amuse yourselves at her expense, but without causing her pain. I do have a relative like that and while it is intensely annoying it is also quite pathetic and concerning.

[CTyankee]

44. LOVE it! Great idea...

[Glassunion]

12. Knowing me, I'd be a sarcastic ass and out-do her at every lie.

So, she was stuck in customs cause her Spanish was so good. Oh yeah? Well once, I downloaded an Aramaic to English app on my iPhone, and was not let out of the Vatican for 20 days, cause they thought I was Jesus my Aramaic was so perfect. I had to shave my beard, steal a Franciscan's robe and use the sash to climb out my window, then sneak out through the sewers like in Shawshank.

I woke up in a daze, on a fishing vessel in the Mediterranean with two bullet holes in my back. They dropped me ashore, where I went to Austria, cause of a small laser pen told me that I had a safe deposit box there. Even though I had complete amnesia, I still somehow knew at that altitude that I could run full out for 1/2 a mile before my hands started to shake.

After that I returned to the US to find Sara Connor.

[CTyankee]

41. that is funny! I love the story. SO like her...

[Taitertots]

14. I spent several years working with someone whose previous work experience included

10+ years as a police interrogator. All you have to do to destroy a liar is ask very specific questions about the details. Most people don't think very far beyond the initial lie.


On a side note: There is no point trying to BS your supervisor when he has 10+ years experience as a police interrogator. One of the nicest people I've ever met, but you just couldn't lie to him.

[raccoon]

87. This one's a keeper! nt

[KittyWampus]

15. I worked for someone who spun yarns all day. I learned to enjoy it. Think of it

as storytelling.

Edit- please ignore posters here on DU who suggest doing anything mean or intended to draw this person out.

Those who story tell and exaggerate are almost certainly insecure and don't need people ganging up on them or berating them.

[magical thyme]

135. this exactly ^^^^

It sounds like she feels really insecure and senses she's an outsider. I would just let it go.

I've had people at work like that, too, and also take credit for work I've done or ideas I've run by them. Once, in a small community chorus, I wrote the program notes for the winter concert. The conductor was thrilled when he read them, but my jaw dropped while I sat there silently and listenedd to the headof the executive board take credit for it and thank him for his compliments!

I felt too sorry for her to speak up, and it would have been extremely awkward and embarrassing for everybody. So I just zipped my lip. I worked as a professional writer; I didn't need the extra kudos. I enjoyed writing something non-hi tech and that was enough...

She knew she was lying, and she knew that I knew. I suspect that sort of thing ate at her...

[Sheldon Cooper]

17. My brother is a compulsive liar.

He will lie for any reason, he will lie for no reason. He will lie when there is absolutely nothing to be gained from it. If his lips are moving, he's lying. He's an extreme alcoholic, which may have something to do with it, but in reality he has been like this his whole life. When he was a little boy, he would spin these fantastic tales, for which he received a lot of positive feedback for his 'creativity'. Maybe that early positive reinforcement for telling tales led to a life of lies? I don't know, we avoid talking to him as much as we decently can.

[Nye Bevan]

18. "Wow, that's great! Really? Cool! Nice. I'm going to grab another beer.

Can I get anyone anything?"

[tularetom]

19. Hey, we have one of them also

He's related by marriage as well. And he's fucking shameless about the lying. It isn't too bad at Christmas because the family all knows pretty much everything about him but when he meets somebody new at a party or a restaurant or just anywhere, they will know his life story within 15 minutes. And it's 90% bullshit, boasting about military service that never happened, business experience that never took place, and he does it in front of us when he knows we know it's all bullshit. And he's not even embarrassed about lying. I've called him on it a few times afterwards and he just laughs and says something like "aw I was just having fun with them".

It's almost painful to have listen to this crap but somehow I don't the heart to bust him publicly in the middle of one of his lies. We've ducked out of many a social situation because it is so uncomfortable for us.

[arcane1]

20. If it makes you feel any better, I used to date someone exactly like that.

And, years later, had a friend in our social group who took this kind of behavior to such an extreme that she eventually lied about having cancer.

[Warren DeMontague]

21. I find that hanging out on DU is excellent practice for that sort of thing.

I mean, the number of people here pretending to be multiple identities, the socks, the trolls, the moles... the drama, the hyperbole... the Olympic-class athletes who scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro while single-handedly saving a school bus full of kittens with their teeth.

It's like a crash course in the DSM.

[lunasun]

23. Laughing and saying how bizarre/insane etc. works to shut them up

but liar will not like you and then they tell others crazy stuff about you
which no one really believes because of who is telling it to them
but others do inform you of what the chronic babbler said
but who cares?
you do not have to hear the crap yourself anymore

[Lint Head]

24. Before they even start just say. Hey you heard about the new phone app that detects liars?

[CTyankee]

33. I LOVE that! I'm thinking about telling her that.

I could say "Do you know about this great new app you can get for your iphone? It detects someone who is trying to tell you something fraudulent, like a lie." I don't know if that would help. She would probably say, "Oh, yes, I tried that!" She always knows something that you don't know or didn't know before she does. That's part of the package with her...

[Lint Head]

59. If she does say that say, "Oh you tried that? Exactly how does that one work?"

After she tells you how it works say, "Actually there is no app for that. It's a lie which means you were telling a.... a-hummmm."

[Niceguy1]

25. I would just ignore her

family is family and it's just not worth disruting tthe holidays over it. I always think how I would like my spouse treated and I treat familys spouses the same way

[DURHAM D]

26. One way to get through it...

Watch this video of Kristen Wiig's SNL character Penelope

and every time your relative starts up you will crack up.

[CTyankee]

31. OMG, that sounds just like her! Except without the hair thing...

This woman interjects her self into conversations between people, too! A LOT! It's crazy!

[Douglas Carpenter]

28. I have known people like that before. I always feel embarrassed for them. But I just don't know what

to think. Especially if it involves someone who seems otherwise reasonably articulate and intelligent. I'm amazed at this sort's inability to judge the believability of a story. If something highly odd or unusual happens to me - I feel slightly hesitant to tell of the event if I think it may sound strange enough to make people doubt my word. But this sort of person has an endless litany of highly improbable adventures that they cannot wait to tell without the slightest inkling in their mind that some people may doubt what they are saying. I suppose it must be some desire to have the attention of a celebrity or fictional character who is thought to live a more exciting life than their unexceptional existence.

[KentuckyWoman]

29. Feel sorry for her and move on -- UNLESS

the husband who is blood family is no longer looking out for her.

You may have to talk amongst yourselves after the holidays and decide if it's serious enough for an intervention. If you do it though make sure your reasons are out of concern for her wellbeing and the confrontation part of the intervention can be matter of fact, firm but loving with no hint of anger.

We had to go this route in my extended family. An aunt was in obvious mental trouble and lived alone, with no kids to keep an eye on her. It was very hard to tell if she was just making shit up for effect or really out of touch. 4 of us closest to her visited a geriatric psychiatrist before the intervention. Searched out our hearts first. Even then it was an ugly scene.

However, within a few weeks our aunt decided moving to a retirement community would be OK. She had people to talk to, got better nutrition etc etc. Within just a few months it started to turn around. Now 4 years later she even is willing to admit she was always terrible at pies and has to buy them from a local bakery if she wants to gift someone with a pie. (which is huge)

If your family chooses to act, I hope the outcome is as good.

[CTyankee]

32. Her husband is 20 years her senior and is now often "out of it" for brief times and that is usually

at the table when she often holds forth. It is obviously an abusive emotional relationship as he is not known by the family as a really great guy. He is so old now he tells the same stories over and over again about whatever, so I guess the two are ideally paired. Altho his are usually at least somewhat based in reality...

[irisblue]

34. sounds like that poor woman has alot of issues

husband with some dementia, likely realizes his family is laughing at her every family event. You can only change your response to her & her stories since it is bothering you, learn to let it go and forgive her.

[CTyankee]

46. Oh, it's not a happy thing for anybody involved!

Her stories are just grating on the nerves, tho. It never fails. She always tells a big fat lie about something that tries to diminish what someone else has done. It's not very nice.

[eridani]

76. ^^this^^

Tea and sympathy might work. Also recommending practical help for dealing with dementia. Possible reply to a tall tale-- "We love you anyway."

[Le Taz Hot]

126. Thank you!

Making arrangements behind her back to ridicule her and make her feel even LESS secure is a juvenile AND CRUEL response. The lady obviously has some serious insecurities and is compensating. It's amazing how far a little kindness and understanding can go. I feel sorry for this individual.

[darkangel218]

30. Yes, i had somebody in my life like that. It was a friend i no longer keep in touch with

My advice is to try keep calm. Don't argue with her. Don't let her lies get to you.
Just realize she is ill, and probably out of her control.

Good luck

[panader0]

35. I have a friend like that.

A fellow guitar player. His wild stories are over the top. I once told him that if half the shit he said was true, he would have had to live several lives. He said, "So you get that part 'eh?"

[malaise]

36. Just laugh and I mean really laugh

and she'll know you're not laughing with her. Just decide in advance that she's not spoiling the party.

[sarisataka]

37. Run with it...

see how tall she can spin the tale. It will be hilarious when you retell it to other friends.

[BigDemVoter]

38. Oh yeah. . . We have a compulsive liar who ALSO has a histrionic and narcissistic personality. . .

It's kind of fun, because we fuck with her all the time. . . . We start "recalling" things that NEVER happened in our youth. . . Things that are so outrageously false that it would make a cat laugh. . . She falls for it every time and starts saying, "Oh yeah, I remember that!"

[Cleita]

39. I had a roommate like that.

She was harmless. Mostly, her lies were about herself. She never told lying stories about others, or I would have drawn the line there. She was raised by an alcoholic, single mother so I believe her fantasies were an escape from a hard life when she was a kid and she never outgrew it. I don't know if maybe the family wants to do an intervention and get her into therapy because this is what it will take to make her face reality.

[Th1onein]

43. Hey! That's my ex-sister-in-law!

Did she just marry into the family this past year? Blonde, tall? She once tried to tell me that she worked at a taxidermist's and the stuffed animals were haunted and would get up and walk/fly/crawl around at night. She's a nutcase, alright, but wait 'til she starts lying about everyone in the family! That's really a fun time!

[CTyankee]

49. No, she's been in the family for a while. Not a tall blonde. Not much of a looker

Let's just say she "settled" for what she thought was the best she could get, which wasn't much...

[LisaL]

45. Her stories seem rather harmless to me.

What do you care if she claims she made some dish even if she didn't?

[CTyankee]

48. Naw, this dish is just a silly thing, but it is the constant "I knew that" or "I did that" before

you knew or did something that is annoying. You are in the middle of making something in the kitchen and she breezes through (not offering to help) and says (after asking what it is you are making) "Oh, I've made that" and breezes out without lifting a finger...well, it makes you wonder, what is her point?

[bettyellen]

51. I would ask her to make that killer panna cotta or whatever it is

You want her to make or do that she has bragged about. Call her on it, could slow her down and if not- there's a big payoff for you!

[CTyankee]

53. I thought about that! "Oh, Ruth, could you make your OWN panna cotta for Christmas?"

but damn, at the time I didn't think of it! My daughter just snickered.

I'm going to bring a great big chocolate cake with white coconut frosting on it for Christmas and see what she says. god only knows what her response will be...

[bettyellen]

60. You should call her now and say, remember that amazing

Molten chocolate cake (insert whatever you have a hankering for here) you were telling us you made a whole back? Can you bring one this Christmas please?

[Th1onein]

52. You know, she sounds like she has low self-esteem.

[CTyankee]

54. yea, it's called who she is married to...

[Th1onein]

72. It's none of my business, but this IS you family, you know?

We don't get to pick 'em, but we only have one. Give her a break. She's obviously trying too hard, poor thing. Maybe she's doing that because of who she's married to, but who cares?

I know you probably just needed to vent; not trying to pass judgement.

[Th1onein]

72. It's none of my business, but this IS you family, you know?

We don't get to pick 'em, but we only have one. Give her a break. She's obviously trying too hard, poor thing. Maybe she's doing that because of who she's married to, but who cares?

I know you probably just needed to vent; not trying to pass judgement.

[CTyankee]

83. My daughter's complaint is that she tries to interject herself into family conversations that

she really has no business doing.

But most of the time it's just annoying.

The grandkids are mostly "on" to her now as they get older. The oldest caught her taking her "homemade" short cakes for her strawberry shortcakes out of a store bought package, but didn't say anything. So lots of times we just let it alone...

[Th1onein]

96. I don't know her, of course, but usually when people do that it's because they feel

left out. It's really just sad, when you put yourself in her place. I know it's irritating, but you know, it doesn't cost a dime to be kind. Someone like that has problems that probably go a lot deeper than what you see on the surface. Like I said, it's none of my business, but if it were me, I'd make a special effort to make her feel included.

[CTyankee]

98. OH, she is included. Our family is too polite not to include her in all kinds of celebrations.

If she feels left out, it isn't because of us. So it really is sad, when you get right down to it. I do feel sorry for her.

[Th1onein]

99. Good for you.

Most people, though, who have an ounce of perception, get that "feeling" that they are just being humored; that something is going on besides what they can sense with their five senses. Hopefully, you or someone else in your family, will reach out to her.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd, It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

[CTyankee]

100. I know but the thing is she brings some of this on herself. It's really hard to warm up to people

who are so into "one-upsmanship." When she does this there usually is some kind of embarrassed silence and folks looking down at their laps...

[Th1onein]

106. Of course it's hard to warm up to these kinds of people.

But, the more difficult it is, the less warm people are towards her, and the harder she tries. It's a vicious cycle.

I'd kindly take her aside and tell her how she is being perceived. KINDLY. Let her know you like her and care about her, but she doesn't need to try so hard.

[CTyankee]

107. That might happen, but it can't come from me. I'll bring it up to my grown kids, tho.

The hard thing is that you are essentially calling her a liar. We all DO feel sorry for her already...I think this would make her feel worse and I am not interested in doing that. I don't deliberately go around making people feel bad about themselves because they have a problem and I think she would interpret this just that way. She has enough problems with the guy she's married to...

[Th1onein]

117. You can do this in a vague kind of empathetic way, without calling her a liar.

For instance, "Sweetie, I know you want us to like you, and so you're trying real hard, but you know, we like you already. You don't have to try so hard."

[CTyankee]

118. I will suggest that for our next family gathering at Christmas...don't know how that

will go over,tho. We have a joyous welcoming of a baby late this year! So we are a bunch of happy people.

Her stuff is relegated to the back bench of our concerns...

[Marr]

112. People pick up on it when you don't like them. Being invited doesn't exactly

override the sense of being disliked by a group, and it always comes through-- always.

[CTyankee]

121. In a sense, you are right. It is too bad, really.

[valerief]

55. Everyone should play the one-upsman game. She lies, someone one-ups her. Then someone

one-ups that person, etc.

Could be fun.

[elfin]

56. Say " Really? That's amazing! No kidding! Tell us more!

Sit back, drink and repeat with a few "Wows!" here and there between sips.

[rickford66]

57. If she says she did something dangerous ....

ask her if she died.

[silvershadow]

58. I would have a Festivus! Complete with feats of strength and airing of grievances.

[Barack_America]

61. Take turns countering her lies with a bit of movie plot...

...Later, after she's left, everyone has to guess the movie.

To keep it believable and less obvious you're mocking her, make most of the stories about a "buddy" or distant or deceased relative. "Well, that's what THEY told me.", should be the response if she catches on (zero points that round if she does).

[BainsBane]

62. There are lots of interesting suggestions here

all of which sound like a lot of work. I would probably make a point of not reinforcing her behavior and just not say anything. Then when she's done speaking bring up an unrelated subject or ask someone a question that has nothing to do with what she just said.
She obviously has a problem. I wonder what her husband thinks of it? Have you ever discussed it with him?

[KittyWampus]

74. nice to revisit this thread and find a mature, kind-hearted response.

[yellowcanine]

92. No kidding. Some of the stuff is just mean. A little more Nelson Mandela and less Glen Beck is in

order for DU, imo.

[raccoon]

128. IMO yours is the best suggestion. nt

[JI7]

65. i have come across some people like this over the years, the best is to ignore if possible

are you only going to see her during christmas dinner ?

i might suggest what some others have said by trying to get her to prove these things. but the thing with people like her is they are so used to making shit up that she will just do the same thing and it will go on and on.

[demigoddess]

66. my sister is just like that

she has a competitive streak that makes it worse if you try to compete or get her to admit she's faking. So I just always nodded and gave her a mild, noncommittal answer. Like "Yeah, nice" and do not confront her. It just gave her a bigger reason to make up fibs.

[TeamPooka]

67. "Sweetie, you need to shush now, the grown-ups are talking." nt

[hunter]

68. Buckaroo Banzai: Don't be Mean.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086856/quotes

My crazy grandma could say stuff that would bring all conversation at the dinner table to a jaw dropped halt.



Everyone frozen. Food on the fork, inches from the mouth.

Many of the things she said were mean. Or nasty.

And worst of all about half of them were true.

By family consensus everyone would simply gather themselves back together and politely move on. (Well, if nobody had screamed out in anguish and burst into tears... in that case it was time to comfort the victim and wheel grandma back to her room...)

Sometimes she told funny stories about horses and dogs she'd known, or about her work in the shipyards during World War II, so it wasn't always a complete disaster to have her around, but if she tore into somebody at the table, or a dead relative, OMG.

If you are not in a position to help this poor woman, or unwilling to (which is okay if she's not a danger to herself or others, or in a dangerous situation herself), simply do your best to enjoy the "alternate reality" she is sharing with everyone.

That's the way I'd handle it.

[LeftyMom]

70. Every family has some sort of eye-roll inducing weirdo.

You're ahead of the game if you only have one.

[CTyankee]

82. You're right. She's annoying but not menacing or really crazy...

[Luminous Animal]

71. Have you ever seen David Byrne's movie "True Stories"?

There is a great character, a lying woman, that spins stories similar to your OP. I think you should take it with knowing (a nudge and a wink) humor and maybe counter with some confabulation of your own. Such as, "OMG! That happened to you! Similar happened to me when I went to Russia and I learned Russian in 10 days! When I came back, both the U.S. and the Russians tried to recruit me as a spy!"

[CTyankee]

81. OMG, that sounds exactly like her!

I might just come up with something. I do travel to Europe every year so I might be able to get away with a real howler. I'm going to Tuscany in March and maybe I could cook up a story about running into George Clooney (who has a house in No. Italy) at a restaurant or a museum and how he and I had a great conversation and he invited me to visit him when he was in residence at Lake Como and told me his assistant would call me and make the arrangements....how really nice and charming he was and very handsome in real life...

I wonder how she would react to that...

[penultimate]

77. This is probably not the best way to handle it, but I'd personally respond to every story

of hers with a more ridiculous story of my own. I'm kind of a jerk a though.

[FatBuddy]

78. it's just better to just love people

seek to understand rather than to be understood.

in your relative's case, just let her know that you care in some way and that you love her just because she IS.

[CTyankee]

86. I think my daughter tolerates her nicely because she does do some nice things for her.

I don't hate the woman. I guess we're all used to her compulsion and I guess it could be worse...

[B Calm]

79. Tell her about that abandoned diamond mine you discovered

in South America.

[Caretha]

85. How about simply

saying "Bless your heart", every time she tells a whopper. It will relieve your angst at not knowing what to say or how to respond to blatant lying & story telling.

[yellowcanine]

89. 'Ours is just someone who "married in" to the family....' She is family then. Get used to it.

There are not two tiers of family - the natural born ones and the "married in" ones. Maybe seeing it that way colors how you see this person? I really don't think the answer is to put a target on this person's back for snark attacks - which is what I make of some of the comments here. Unless you wish to turn family gatherings into war zones. It sounds a little toxic already actually - confronting someone with "proof" about the authenticity of the dish they brought? - Really??? That more than actual flatulence, would certainly take away from the spirit of the holiday for me - amazing this person still shows up at your gatherings. If in fact the whoppers are an actual problem, there certainly would be a kinder way of addressing the issue discreetly than soliciting advice from a internet discussion group (which she might read and recognize herself, by the way - is that your intent?)

[TeeYiYi]

103. + a brazillion...

I started to write the same thing last night and then decided to walk away from it.

TYY

[cleanhippie]

90. One-up her stories with one of your own that's even more absurd.

The Almost-not-being-let-back-into-the country story would have been a good one.


OMG! That happened to me too! My plane was diverted to Mongolia due to terrorists being onboard and we had to stay there for 12 hours until they sent us back. I learned to speak pretty good Mongolian while there ad when we landed, the customs people thought I was Mongolian, not because I look Mongolian, but because I was speaking fluent Mongolian to them when they asked me questions!

[L0oniX]

91. +1

[CTyankee]

97. That's exactly it! You nailed it. But I now have riffed on my earlier George Clooney tale...

OK, so I ran into Clooney at the Museo di Sansepolcro in Tuscany where we were both viewing the masterpieces of Early Renaissance painter, Piero della Francesca and I shared my insights about Piero's art. Clooney was extraordinarily interested in my discoveries which he had not previously known about. He was so fascinated that he invited me to continue our conversation at lunch. So we left the museum and went to a great little restaurant nearby and spent over an hour talking about art. He invited me to visit at his Lake Como villa and gave me the phone number there.

I know. The story needs a little work, touching it up here and there, but I think it's a pretty good yarn, don't you?

[ananda]

94. Wow.

One side of my family, the ones with roots in rural Texas, are extreme rightwing,
some of them also being crazed fundies and military or prison workers/ groupies.

I did recently come upon two cases of a very interesting lie complex though.
Both were men.

Whenever a topic would come up, they would claim some sort of expertise or
adventure relating to that topic. Sure once or twice it could have been true,
but it was a chronic pattern.

Once I caught onto the lie complex, it became funny to me. It was as though
the person were trying to build himself up, both for himself and his audience.

Maybe people like that suffer from some sort of abuse or inferiority complex,
or both.

[Tanuki]

101. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty opens in theatres Dec.25

Have you ever read the original Thurber story? It fits her to a "t". Maybe you could organize a trip to the movie after dinner.

[CTyankee]

102. I loved that story! Very funny, but not quite as funny as "The Night the Bed Fell."

That's a good idea...

[cbayer]

104. Reward good behavior and ignore bad (if possible).

Simplistic, I know, but I find it pretty effective.

People that "exaggerate" like your family member are often really insecure and want attention and recognition.

And there are probably some areas where she deserves both, she just doesn't know it.

So praise her and pay attention to the good things about her and ignore the "stories", quickly moving on to something else.

She's married to a family member, right? She may need some extra effort to feel that she is a part of the group.

And enjoy that Pinot!!

[DeSwiss]

105. ''Like flatulence, her stuff just sits in the air around the holiday table every year.''

Have you tried Renuzit? Even Glade might help a little. Just spray a 2-second squirt right in her direction. That should do the trick. Or, you could try to outdo her. Try this:

Yeah that happened to me once. I was in Russia and didn't speak a speck of their gobbledygook, but then while I'm checking into my hotel room who do you think I should bump into in the lobby? That' right, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin himself!

And so we got talking (he speaks a little English you know), and he invited me up to his room where he regaled me with stories all about his half-naked hunting and fishing trips where he only wears his bottoms, and all about his judo championships and the leaders of the world whose asses he'd like to kick at G-20 meetings.

But then, when I was on my way back home the CIA wouldn't let me back in the country either. They must have thought I was a spy or something I guess. Of course, I was only wearing my bottoms like Vladimir when I tried to enter.....

- It gets easier with practice.

K&R

[ItTakesAllKinds...]

108. A compulsive, chronic liar IS a pathological liar!

And it is a type of mental illness. So I would treat her the same way I would treat someone who talked to him/herself, hallucinates, etc. In other words, with compassion.

[uppityperson]

109. Ohhhkay. But does compassion mean they get to do whatever they want?

[ItTakesAllKinds...]

113. If someone needs to gently talk to her about her issue

then that is fine. I see no problem with privately discussing her habit of lying with her. It might even curtail it because she'll be more self-conscious of it. But I have heard of this issue before and the person like this has extremely low self-esteem.

What if the person involved was an alcholic who made holiday dinners unpleasant in some way? I would recommend the same thing. The point is that we don't get all shaming about someone's dysfunctional behavior and treat them with dignity regardless.

[uppityperson]

114. I know someone like that, who takes no responsibility for herself and her actions, instead blaming

everyone else for not seeing she is insecure. Instead of getting on with a positive life, she signs up repeatedly, over and over and over, on a forum where she then posts nasty stuff and saysthe moderators just don't understand and her actions are not her fault. It would be good if she could find a more positively productive hobby, both for herself and for others. But alas. No matter how gently she is treated, eventually the nasty comes out, and it is never " her fault".

[ItTakesAllKinds...]

115. What does "for know seeing" mean?

Happy holidays, by the way...

[uppityperson]

116. typo. For not seeing. You know how hard tablet typing is, right?

[CTyankee]

119. this is why I have decided not to get a tablet. I just can't do this...I need a keyboard...I mean a

real one...I tried, I really did to find a device I could take with me on a trip and take photos and send it back to DU and everyone could see it from abroad. It got SO complicated and expensive, I gave up.

[uppityperson]

122. I have gotten used to 4 finger typing but do typos and type slower. It is odd, with no

tactile cues as to where the keys are.

[CTyankee]

124. geez, that's all I need....sounds really bad to me, someone who can't stand to make

a spelling error on DU or Facebook!

[CTyankee]

129. No, she didn't just marry into the family. This has been going on a LONG time. It's family lore by

now. I'm sure she really knows we are onto her but she continues to tell these lies. I don't think she can help it at this point. Like I said, her marriage is abusive. I don't know why she stays in it...

[CTyankee]

132. not my brother. But the guy is/always has been effed up...

[CTyankee]

111. well, nobody yells at her or is abusive towards her! She was challenged, yes, but not in a bad way.

My daughter simply confronted her with the fact that she had ordered the food in her presence and was now claiming that she "made" it. It was an uncomfortable moment at the Thanksgiving dinner table. It's supposed to be a family get together where everybody is nice...

[drgoodword]

125. Agreed: Genuine Compulsive/Pathological Lying Is A Serious Mental Health Issue

Wikipedia has a good entry on Compulsive/Pathological Lying (Pseudologia fantastica). It's a serious mental health issue and those who suffer from it should always be treated with compassion by their loved ones (without compromising appropriate caution).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pseudologia_fantastica

[bamademo]

120. Sounds like my ex husband except he was an alcoholic/druggie.

The whoppers he could tell. He told my parents and I one about putting mice in a Mason jar and they climbed on each others backs and unscrewed the lid to escape.

[CTyankee]

123. Oy, sorry for that. This woman doesn't drink so it has nothing to do with alcohol...

[dembotoz]

130. my best friend growning up was like that-he remained my best friend

i just accepted it about him.

he had a REALLY PATHETIC life.
like the old little abner character- what ever he ever did would backfire on him

high school drop out, an osha nightmare--got hurt at work all the fricken time it seemed.
shotgun marriage--she popped out 3 little ones in quick succession not sure if any were really his....
She left him and he raised the little ones.
He remarried, she got cancer and died rather quickly
His bad health eventually caught up to him to and now he is dead as well

we all knew he had a really high bs factor, but if i had his life i would have prob eaten a bullet a long time ago

[MineralMan]

134. She sounds like a very insecure person.

In my family, we'd just ignore the stories, try to make her feel comfortable with the family and hope she'd eventually understand that we liked her just as she is and hope she'd stop trying to impress us.

We would not call her out for her stories, or do any such thing. People who marry into our extended family are treated like any other family member from the beginning. If they have flaws, well, we know we all have some flaws, and don't make a point of pointing out those flaws.

Showing acceptance and having a welcoming attitude will go a long way toward minimizing this behavior on her part. Just nod and move on to other topics.

[CTyankee]

136. We try.