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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsLOL. What Would Happen If We Really Went to War Against Christmas?
What Would Happen If We Really Went to War Against Christmas?
We'd probably lose.
Tim Murphy | Wed Dec. 18, 2013 | http://www.motherjones.com/media/2013/12/war-on-christmas-north-pole-invasion
You've heard about the "War on Christmas," a cynical but largely successful attempt by grown men and women to drive up cable news ratings and sell terrible books. But what about an actual war on Christmas? If President Barack Obama wanted to take down Santa Claus*, how would he do it? And would it work? A classified report obtained by Mother Jones sheds new light on the Department of Defense's plans. Take a look:
Overwhelming force: On paper, it looks possible. The United States has 16,000 military personnel in Alaska, mostly at major Air Force bases outside Anchorage and Fairbanks (home to the 354th fighter wing). A military airstrip at Barrow, the country's northernmost point, could also be used a forward operating base, as could Thule Air Base in northwest Greenland, 750 miles north of the Arctic Circle. The Navy and Air Force regularly conduct carrier group exercises in the Gulf of Alaska; so they're not exactly coming in cold.
But Santa's best defense is that the North Pole isspoilerreally cold. The US Navy doesn't have any icebreakers, and the Coast Guard only has two, both of which are research vessels. (An amendment to the 2013 National Defense Authorization Act would have commissioned four new icebreakers, but that's still pending congressional approval.) And unlike the Russians and the Finns, the United States doesn't have any ground units specifically trained to handle polar climates.
Nor is Santa himself a pushover. Some images of the old man depict him with a Kalashnikov. Elsewhere, he's armed with a sword. Futurama's Robot Santa has some sort of laser blaster. In Scrooged, Santa is able to repel a terrorist attack with an M16A2; his elves carry M60 machine guns. Oh, and about those elves. According to NorthPole.com, "There are an unlimited number of elves because it takes a lot of help to keep the northpole maintained and the presents made every year" [sic]. Even if an expeditionary force succeeds in taking the workshop, the elves' sheer numbers make the possibility of a post-invasion insurgency likely. ..........
Overwhelming force: On paper, it looks possible. The United States has 16,000 military personnel in Alaska, mostly at major Air Force bases outside Anchorage and Fairbanks (home to the 354th fighter wing). A military airstrip at Barrow, the country's northernmost point, could also be used a forward operating base, as could Thule Air Base in northwest Greenland, 750 miles north of the Arctic Circle. The Navy and Air Force regularly conduct carrier group exercises in the Gulf of Alaska; so they're not exactly coming in cold.
But Santa's best defense is that the North Pole isspoilerreally cold. The US Navy doesn't have any icebreakers, and the Coast Guard only has two, both of which are research vessels. (An amendment to the 2013 National Defense Authorization Act would have commissioned four new icebreakers, but that's still pending congressional approval.) And unlike the Russians and the Finns, the United States doesn't have any ground units specifically trained to handle polar climates.
Nor is Santa himself a pushover. Some images of the old man depict him with a Kalashnikov. Elsewhere, he's armed with a sword. Futurama's Robot Santa has some sort of laser blaster. In Scrooged, Santa is able to repel a terrorist attack with an M16A2; his elves carry M60 machine guns. Oh, and about those elves. According to NorthPole.com, "There are an unlimited number of elves because it takes a lot of help to keep the northpole maintained and the presents made every year" [sic]. Even if an expeditionary force succeeds in taking the workshop, the elves' sheer numbers make the possibility of a post-invasion insurgency likely. ..........
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LOL. What Would Happen If We Really Went to War Against Christmas? (Original Post)
Coyotl
Dec 2013
OP
oldandhappy
(6,719 posts)1. does not have to be war
We can simply stop shopping. I did several years ago. Labor Day sales are mostly same prices. January white sales are good for those towels people were fighting over at WalMart. December deals worth looking at are mostly electronics and you can do that online. The commercial Christmas is hype. No one has to participate. I love the real Christmas and participate in music and worship and friends and food! Keep the joy! Delete the pain.
JoePhilly
(27,787 posts)2. Reindeer filets for everyone!
Coyotl
(15,262 posts)4. Everyone except Santa .....
Ken Burch
(50,254 posts)3. Would it lead to Santa's elves going off to keep the ring away from Gollum?
Tierra_y_Libertad
(50,414 posts)5. Santa's elves would be terrorists, and Santa would on a death list.
Coyotl
(15,262 posts)8. First, Santa would be branded "non-white"
intaglio
(8,170 posts)6. It would end damn quickly
As soon as Santa did his superluminal flyby of the Pentagon. The Cherenkov radiation would be lethal
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)7. since the polar ice caps are melting
why does the Navy need any more icebreakers?
Sounds as if poor Santa is going to be melted off the North Pole.
Homeless.
He will have beg on the streets, maybe ringing a bell or something.
Oh...wait....