"4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever"

[Starry Messenger]

(The I is not me, it's the title of the article.)

http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-i-learned-from-worst-online-dating-profile-ever/

As a child of the Internet and confirmed weirdo, imagine my relief when they finally took that last bastion of in-person awkwardness -- dating -- to my laptop instead. I've been using one of the major dating sites, OkCupid, on and off for about five years now. While it has its perks, being a woman on a dating site means immersing yourself in a disgusting cesspool of exposed nerves, unfiltered testosterone, and daily propositions to engage in sex acts so horrifying, I hadn't even heard of them before, and I'm from the Internet.

I got the feeling that a lot of men on that site would message literally any woman who had a profile, but the optimist in me wanted to believe that there was a limit. Maybe there was a woman so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it.

I did not accomplish my goal.

The Profile
In making this profile, I made sure my creation touched on every major facet of being truly horrible: mean, spoiled, lazy, racist, manipulative, and willfully ignorant, and I threw in a little gold digging just for funzies. I maintain that there is not a human on this planet who would read this profile and think, "Yes, I'd like to spend any amount of the fleeting time I'm given on my journey around the sun getting to know this person." This profile is my magnum opus; it will be engraved on my tombstone. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair:

I figured any profile with photos of a beautiful woman would get a few messages from men whose boners were willing to overlook her personality. The captions on her photos were just as draped in red flags as her profile was, so there's no way they were totally clueless as to how awful she is, but sure, I figured, maybe she'd get a couple of messages a day from people with especially low reading comprehension.

She got 150 messages in 24 hours.

<snip>

[gaspee]

1. Wow

I JUST finished reading that - how funny.

All I can do is shake my head in disbelief. Well, I actually believe it, but why, people? WHY?

[Art_from_Ark]

5. Not too hard to understand

Respondents saw her picture and read that she was looking for casual sex. "Thin, beautiful and horny" is guaranteed to attract men, in spite of her personality. Not the worst profile by a long shot.

On the other hand, if she had posted a picture of a rather unsightly older woman, and said that she was "looking for someone to fill that last grave in my basement", I'm pretty sure she would not have received nearly as many responses

[LisaLynne]

6. That's what I thought.

For one thing, the profile, IMHO, came off as somebody trying to be funny and not looking for a serious relationship, so I don't think this really proves what she set out to prove.

[Ms. Toad]

30. Agreed. n/t

[joshcryer]

36. There would be responses regardless of the photo.

But the young pretty photo cemented it, certainly.

I'm surprised it was "only" 150 responses in the first day.

[LumosMaxima]

2. I saw something similar a while back:

http://slacktory.com/2012/05/20-guys-try-to-bang-psycho-on-okcupid/

It's pretty funny.

[BainsBane]

3. I'll sumarize the lesson succinctly:

All that matters is the picture.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

28. Maybe for teens and 20-somethings. Not for those of us who've been around the block a time or two.

[1000words]

4. Now, someone do a filthy rich, asshole guy.

The responses would be from the very type of person she created in her faux profile.

[freshwest]

7. Oh, yeah, there was that guy who was just as offensive and said to always vote Republican...

I kind of think he was kidding. I would hope that these guys don't really believe what she was posting there, just thought she was acting all tough and stuff.

Pity is, sometimes when a person says awful things about themselves, says they are up to no good, a naive person will think it's just confusion or a cry for help. After a while, they find out that they are exactly what they said at first, so stay away!

[Vashta Nerada]

8. If a guy is only looking only to have intercourse

I doubt he cares what her personality is like.

It's like that in bars in college towns as well.

[LooseWilly]

9. Hehe...

So much for all those dudes who claim that women only like bad boys...and as for those who assume that people were willing to overlook her...er, reptilian personality...for mere sex...you didn't read the whole article.

Men who asked to have sex with her were told she would rather remove one of their teeth. Don't know about you lot...that might be a tiny red flag...to me.

[Scootaloo]

10. Wow. I shied away from the profile at the NAME...

"aaroncarterfan" AUGH, no. Just... no.

NO

...But then the profile continues, and I sense that I am looking at Sauron in eyeshadow.

[A Little Weird]

25. Dear God!

Don't say that out loud - Peter Jackson will make another trilogy!

[DebJ]

27. ROFLMAO n/t

[Blue_Tires]

11. As a longtime veteran of the online dating thing

Last edited Sat Jan 4, 2014, 11:00 PM - Edit history (1)

the rule of thumb male-female ratio for real, active users is 5:1...I've found this true of mainstream well-known dating sites, niche demographic sites, free sites, sex sites, etc. etc...

And I speak personally from experience -- If you're a miserably lonely guy and you've taken the time to register an account, buy a 3-6-12 month subscription, put together your best ad (and had it vetted/reviewed by female friends for good measure), dig up your best photos, and THEN finally write personalized, non-template messages to a couple hundred "matches" with ZERO responses whatsoever, it's devastating to the psyche, and very hard to swallow...

Because it's humiliating enough to admit to yourself that this is your best, last resort to finding love/marriage/female companionship, etc. when most of your friends are the type who can go into ANY social setting and pull pretty much any unmarried woman they set their eyes on...You do NOT want to make a further admission that online dating has been a failure after all the time, energy and money invested, because the options on next-lowest rung of the ladder are literally prostitutes, mail-order brides and full-time porn addiction...

So what happens when you don't get any responses from your matches? You widen your scope: First geographically -- "So what if she's in Vancouver and I'm in Virginia? There still might be some way to make it happen..." and then you start compromising the details of your intended match -- "So what if she's 15 years older/younger, dips snuff, thinks Sarah Palin is the savior of this nation and her profile pic shows her firing an M240B at a gun range while wearing a confederate flag-bikini? Aren't opposites supposed to attract or something?"

And when that still doesn't work, you finally hit rock bottom feeling completely pissed off and cheated that this website took your money (remember there's still five-and-a-half months left in the subscription and you've already contacted 500 ads by now), in exchange for a bunch of phony promises and fake/spam/long dormant ads...So finally sheer frustration and loneliness get the better of you, and you start contacting everybody, and I mean *everybody* -- Women on the other side of the world, women aged 18-88, women who are pre-op transgender, obvious spam or troll ads and so on (by now you've long given up on ever dating; you'd be satisfied just to have someone real to converse with in a few e-mails)...This is the mindset of most of those hundreds of poor souls that contacted the writer in the OP...I've been there, I've lived it...

The true tragicomedy is how this point mostly flies over the writer's oblivious head...

[mythology]

18. There's a difference between a guy who is lonely and some of her responses

I say this as a guy who couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons and who has given up on finding love (note I don't blame women for this failing on my part).

But the guy who kept responding when she said she was a 14 year old is at best a dumbass. I have a friend who also uses OkCupid and she's gotten some responses that make me feel skeezy just hearing about them. For example the guy who went on for 10 paragraphs to tell her that she shouldn't have so many paragraphs in her profile because guys only care what she looks like. Oh and she should give up doing gymnastics because guys don't like physically strong women. Or the guy who told her that he was looking for somebody in the US to give him children because he wanted to get out of Pakistan. Granted yes, she tends to only share the bad stories rather than just the dates that didn't work out, but there's a lot of utterly scummy guys out there.

[Blue_Tires]

20. Yeah, there are crazies out there

and I'm betting dollars to yen that at least a few responses were trying to counter-troll her...

I've just never understood the whole "let me make a fake ad with a hot photo so I can laugh at all the pathetic male responses" -thing...

Like I said, with the male-female ratio so far out of balance it's a big enough pain in the ass trying to find *real* ads on most sites (and a bigger PITA trying to get a response out of them)...

Nevermind the fact that this stunt has been pulled dozens of times before by bloggers--There isn't even anything particularly new or interesting in what she's discovered...There used to be a site (maybe it's still around) dedicated to nothing but showing screencaps of bad/sad/pathetic ads from dating sites, and the bad/sad/pathetic responses they got from their fake trolling ads...

[WorseBeforeBetter]

21. Exactly, counter-trolling.

Even if not trolling, I'm still not sure why she's so surprised. Cutesy pic + looking for casual sex + age range of 19-60 = is it any wonder guys pounced?

[Duer 157099]

40. Hmmmm.... wonder why DU doesn't have a dating forum????

[AAO]

31. You have a real talent at writing - I almost split a gut!

[WorseBeforeBetter]

12. Her profile states she's looking for Casual Sex...

along with Dating and New Friends. And she's got some pink naughty schoolgirl thing going on with her profile pic. Of course she got a ton of responses. Duh.

[Lex]

14. And she says she's really good at "convincing people I'm pregnant LOL"

Uh, yeah, casual sex seems like a winning idea with her.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

17. And isn't OKCupid generally known as sex.com?

I'm not sure why she's so surprised at the responses. Between the profile pic and readers likely jumping to the Looking For section, I imagine many of her *suitors* didn't even read the profile.

[babylonsister]

15. But she sounded AWFUL! Doesn't

personality, charm, charisma, a spark? anything? count anymore?

I shuddered when I read that profile, but I'm a woman; maybe that's why?

[WorseBeforeBetter]

19. I am, too.

I've been out of the online dating scene for quite a while (thankfully!), but I don't think OKCupid was the best site for her to conduct her little experiment. Isn't it considered a step up from Craig's Casual Encounters? Perhaps if she posted a toned-down profile pic and selected "long-term dating" only, but kept the over-the-top personality, the results might have been more interesting.

There are a lot of people online looking to get laid, so of course guys pounced on an attractive woman looking for casual sex. All the stuff you mentioned matters as far as dating/courting, but if people are looking for hook-ups, not so much...

[babylonsister]

29. OK, and thanks.

Though I happen to be on OKC.

EVERYONE is looking to get laid! Nothing wrong with that; circumstances.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

32. Agreed...

as long as both (all?) parties are honest about what they're looking for, go for it!

[babylonsister]

33. I knit. And bowl.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

34. LOL

I had an OKC profile set up for activity partners/new friends when I relocated, but was bombarded by young men looking to bag an older woman. Funny how "hiking" meant so much more to those horny little devils...such fun we were to have in those secluded woods!

[babylonsister]

37. Dammit, I'm a prude! I'm new at this?! Good for you-sounds great!

[babylonsister]

39. Those 'horny little devils' sounded great, and I don't knit or bowl.

[VanillaRhapsody]

41. the nicest thing about "horny little devils" is they like to leave before daylight...

LOL

[WorseBeforeBetter]

42. Ha, no, no, no! I, ahem, accepted applications...

but met a young 'un the old-fashioned way. Good times had by all.

[ManiacJoe]

26. Sure that matters, if

if that is what you are looking for.

Her profile said: attractive young woman looking for casual sex.

All the responses were of the form: Works for me, when should we meet?

This should not be surprising to anyone. The guys were not looking for love, they were looking for the one-night-stand that she was offering.

[Vashta Nerada]

23. +infinity

Personality is meaningless for casual sex.

[William769]

13. Kick & recommended.

[Dash87]

16. I bet most of them are married too.

[Demo_Chris]

22. Wait, she's fake?! WTF!!!! I though I had finally found my true match...

[Shrike47]

24. What I learned because of this article was who Aaron Carter is. Never heard of him before.

I googled him and am now up to speed on just how awful that profile is.

[TlcJobCoach]

35. This just proves it - no one reads anymore!!

Think about it. Twitter (like what - 10 words on average)?
Instagram (no words), Pinterest (no words)

Need I say more?

Not that it's bad. LOL. But, just a sign of the times.

[babylonsister]

38. I can't see Pinterest, Twitter, or

Instagram. Not even signed up. Slow down maybe? What is that for?