Suggestion that parents not force their kids to smooch relatives on the cheek leads to "outcry"

[RandySF]

It’s a scene often played for laughs and revulsion: An elderly relative leaning down with arms outstretched, demanding of a squirming child, “Gimme a kiss!” Sometimes it’s a toothless grandma, other times it’s a creepy uncle. Either way, a sex educator in the United Kingdom recently warned that forcing a reluctant child into doling out that cheek peck is harmful — and that it might make them more vulnerable to sexual abuse.

In a dispatch for the Sex Education Forum, Lucy Emmerson argued that learning about consent “starts from age zero” and that ”much is learned by young children from everyday experiences about whether or not their opinion is valued, and if they have any control over physical contact with others.” For a child showing discomfort with a cheek kiss, she recommends “suggesting alternatives to the child such as a high-five, a hug, blowing a kiss or a wave.”

This advice has apparently led to an “outcry,” the only immediate evidence of which was two quotes from critics in the Daily Mail, an illustrious publication with a thing for pseudo-dramz. One critic told the Mail, “The Sex Education Forum is trying to take any kind of human feeling and kindness out of the way we bring up children and that’s really sad.” Soon the Mail had another critic jump in with an angry op-ed: A sex abuse campaigner went so far as to suggest that Emmerson was attempting to “ban” or “dissuade” grandmothers from kissing their own grandchildren. War on grandma kisses! It’s like the new war on Christmas.

Beyond the dominant storyline of “political correctness run amok,” there is the bad-mom angle (at least in the way Emmerson’s words are being warped by various media outlets). It’s just the kind of “you’re doing it wrong” parenting story that does gangbusters on Facebook. The sort akin to, “Child chokes to death on popular toy” or “Cozy kid-pajamas spontaneously combust.” That thing you think is good and normal is harming your child!

http://www.salon.com/2014/01/12/the_fake_war_on_grandma_kisses/

[Brickbat]

1. I agree that forcing kids into physical affection they don't want teaches them to override their own

intuition, feelings and autonomy.

[Warpy]

2. Biggest kiss I ever got from a kid

was when his parents told him to kiss me goodnight, too. I saw him stiffen and looked him in the eye and told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to, I'd still like him just as much.

He got a big grin on his face and gave me a really enthusiastic smacker. He was five.

I've always encouraged kids to set their own boundaries. I just hope it stuck.

[Brickbat]

3. I salute your respectful spirit.

[silverweb]

5. Perfect response on your part.

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]You were sensitive to the boy's reaction and gave him an out. His response showed how he recognized and appreciated that.

Well done!

[laundry_queen]

8. I agree too.

I never force my kids to hug or kiss anyone they don't want. My MIL tried to shame them into it once and I stepped in and just said they would in their own time if she was patient. I don't, as an adult, understand how forcing a child to hug me is pleasurable anyway...why would making a kid miserable make me happy?

[silverweb]

4. I hated the lip kisses.

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]Two relatives who were wonderful people, but with hello and goodbye insisted on big, wet, on-the-lips kisses.

I always tried to turn my head to get the kiss on my cheek, instead, but somehow their aim was unerring and I always wound up having to wipe my mouth off. I only complained once and was ordered to "go along" so as not to hurt their feelings. Yuck.

Good thing I loved them otherwise and didn't mind hugs at all.

Yes, I think it's a good thing to give a child some leeway in choosing the kind of greeting to share -- or at least to be sensitive to signs a child is uncomfortable with a kiss or other physical gesture.

[MADem]

6. If your family is naturally close, there's no need to force children to do anything.

I don't like the title The fake war on grandma kisses
of this piece, though--it's not usually poor old crippled "grandma" who is the abuser...it's more likely to be the smelly uncle with the scratchy beard!

The conclusions of the piece, though, are quite logical. No one is saying that children shouldn't be socialized towards family affection, it's just that they shouldn't be bullied into it.

[defacto7]

7. Is it a natural response, or is it force?

That's the only question that needs to be asked. Force, coax, unwanted? never.