Boy, I’ve Really Put You In A Tough Spot, Haven’t I?

[Jesus Malverde]

As those who have followed the uproar surrounding my lifetime achievement award at this year’s Golden Globes are aware, my name has again become the source of controversy. Once more, the media, the general public, and my own family members have called into question the propriety of continuing to honor and lavish praise upon an individual—myself, legendary film director Woody Allen—who has been accused of committing crimes of the most deplorable nature. Addressing this highly contentious matter would require you to delve into the following ethical quandary: Do you continue to support me as a filmmaker, writer, and human being who has technically not been convicted of any crime, or do you henceforth cease your admiration of me and my work due to the admittedly pretty damn compelling evidence that I molested at least one young child?

I mean, wow, I’ve really put you guys in a pretty tight spot here, haven’t I? Can’t say I envy you people one bit; this one’s a real doozy.

Gosh, just thinking about the moral ramifications of this situation is enough to make one’s head spin, frankly. On one hand, you have the accusations that have been leveled against me: that I am a sexual predator who molested my adopted adolescent daughter while simultaneously entering into a sexual relationship with the child of my now ex-partner that continues to this day. But on the other hand, you have my truly lovable persona and monumental contributions to cinema—as evidenced by such timeless works as Manhattan, The Purple Rose Of Cairo, and Crimes And Misdemeanors—that have delighted millions of people and unquestionably benefited society as a whole.

So, do you blindly condemn me based on unproven allegations of sexual impropriety that, even if true, shouldn't automatically diminish the import of my immense artistic contributions? Or do you maintain that the value of my work supersedes what I may or may not have done in my personal life, knowing that in doing so you are most likely siding with a pederast whom the American public has inexplicably let off the hook for a series of horrific crimes that in a just world would have seen me in handcuffs long ago?

See what I’ve done to you? See the choice I’ve forced you to make? That’s right, folks; for the rest of your lives you’ll have to weigh everything my art has meant to you personally against a series of damning, albeit not technically proven, allegations of horrific abuse, and you basically have to make that calculation every single time you watch one of my films or laugh at one of my undeniably funny jokes. Holy Moses, that has to be a real drag for you guys.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/boy-ive-really-put-you-in-a-tough-spot-havent-i,34949/

Unflinching social criticism from the satirical online magazine the onion.

and a summary of the creepiness.
A Brief History of Woody Allen Being Creepy About Young Girls

[Orrex]

1. The best thing to do in a case like this is start a dozen simultaneous, redundant threads

[Jesus Malverde]

4. Thanks!

I get the hint.

[Z_I_Peevey]

2. That second link, A Brief History of Woody Allen Being Creepy About Young Girls,

is most instructive.

Thank you for posting.

[Xipe Totec]

3. Fortunately for me, I've never liked Woody Allen's work irrespective of his personal life. nt

[Blue_Tires]

5. Bloody brilliant -- Leave it to the Onion to cut through the bullshit and strike at the heart...