Putin Holds Emergency Meeting of Imaginary Friends
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—As the West ramped up its sanctions against the Russian Federation, on Wednesday Russian President Vladimir Putin convened a high-level meeting of his imaginary friends to craft a response.
Putin spent over six hours consulting with his inner circle of imaginary friends, whom he refers to as the League of Superior Beings.
Attending the meeting were Igor, a powerful brute who can deflect missiles with his bare fists; Dr. Karamazov, who can control the world’s weather; and Ludmila, a sorceress whose powers include the ability to bend time and transform herself into a number of animals and insects.
Putin emerged from the meeting energized and upbeat, telling associates that Igor and Ludmila had put aside their usual rivalry to confront the threat of sanctions.
According to sources, Putin and his imaginary friends are weighing a broad array of options, including covering Europe in icicles and sending U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry to another dimension.
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