Comments on Josh Duggar from a victim/survivor of sexual molestation
Unfortunately, I know more than I'd like about sexual molestation. It seems to be something that "runs" in my family (on the male side). Apparently my dad's father was a horrible, sick man in those regards and some of his male children learned that from him and carried on his "legacy" if you will. I was never, ever left alone with my grandfather. I understand now why anytime I was alone with him, someone would always come looking for me. Suffice it to say, my grandfather was never my abuser and for that, I'm thankful but my aunts weren't so lucky and neither were his male children that were forced to watch his depravities.
One of the things I learned long ago--after 2 obviously failed suicide attempts--about being a victim of sexual molestation was talking about what happened, without shame, freed me in many ways. If I allowed the shame to eat at me, then my abuser still had a hold on me. I also refuse to accept my abusers' apology. That's all about making him feel better, not me and I don't want him to feel better about what he did--I want him to remember every single day that what he did was wrong and damaging. Josh Duggar's apology, if you read it, is all about him and the damage his behavior would have on his life. Never mind the very young girls he preyed upon and sexually abused, if he continued down that path, it would ruin his life. Nary a thought for his sisters' lives or the girl who wasn't a family member.
As far as myself, I'm pretty much over being molested. I have trust issues with males I don't know (but once I figure out the guy isn't out to hurt me, I'm cool--sadly that's how I live my life). I'm a lesbian (fairly sure I was born that way and not "made" that way as my parents sometimes like to think) and I haven't had a relationship in over 10 years. Even though I'm not attracted to the gender that abused me, it still affects my romantic relationships and my view of myself in general. But, yeah, I'm pretty much over it (that's a bit of tongue and cheek, there).
I've seen various comments about Josh Duggar's apologies and his asking for forgiveness. Apparently, for some, that makes it okay. He's atoned. No harm, no foul. From my viewpoint, in my head I'm thinking, damned if it isn't always about the abuser and not the abused and atonement isn't the same as getting help or facing the consequences for your actions.
Another thing I've seen about Duggar, and something I get irrationally crazed about, is when I read or hear people say, "But he was a kid too!" My abuser started grooming me when I was about 5, which would have made him 11. I don't recall exactly when the first sexual contact took place but I know it ended when I was 12 and he was 18--and some 32 years later, those abuses are still burned into my memory like they happened yesterday.
However, my deepest scar (once I got over the whole blaming myself thing and being used as a sexual outlet by a relative) is when I finally got the courage, at the age of 18, to tell my parents about it happening. My abuser was going to come for a visit and I wasn't comfortable being in the same house with him (I was still in high school, thus living at home). Unfortunately, my parents didn't believe me. For the life of me I can't figure out why I'd lie about it but I ended up staying elsewhere while he visited because they wouldn't ask him to stay at a hotel and I didn't feel safe staying in the same house with him.
This has damaged my relationship with my parents because of this, especially after my abuser was arrested and found guilty of molesting his step-daughters (which is when they finally believed what I told them--I was in my 30s by then, so how many children had he molested in the meantime?). I'm in my early 40's now and I don't talk with my parents often because they should have protected me and believed me when I told them and they didn't. And though I've told my father repeatedly I don't want to hear about this person, he still passes on information, ignoring my requests. My way of handling things may not be the healthiest but it keeps me sane, so that's all that matters.
As far as the Duggar girls go, they may not be manifesting any signs of what happened to them now (and may never) but they could easily show up in their romantic relationships later on. They may not even realize that their issues are related to what happened to them, especially if they've been taught that the molestation was their fault in some way. Meanwhile, Josh Duggar gets lauded by some for his "courage" to come forward and admit his "mistakes." Personally, I've always thought of a mistake as something that happens once, not repeatedly. The attitude is sickeningly reminiscent of the old "Boys will be boys" adage. No, not all boys look at their 4 year old sister and think, "Yeah, she's a good target of my sexual lust" and then act out on it. That's not a mistake, that's a behavior.
Just to be clear, at the time of my sexual abuse, I had tons of male cousins that were older than me, whom I spent plenty of time with and none of them ever made any "advances" of that nature towards me, so, you know, saying "Boys will be boys" doesn't apply and isn't fair to most boys who know perfectly well that a small child is not a good source of sexual relief.
So I have no sympathy for Josh Duggar, just as I have no sympathy for my abuser and I give no quarter to those that sympathize with the abuser and not the abused. I don't think his apology was any more sincere than my abusers. I'm also skeptical that the abuse was contained to these few incidences and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he still has these urges. I'm sure that skepticism comes from the same place that my trust issues of men come from; my sexual abuser.
Anyway, I was encouraged to expand on a comment and share this as an OP, so here it is.
= new reply since forum marked as read
So glad you've found a way to survive and thrive
The thriving part is sometimes questionable but I try. 
My attackers apology: "Please forgive me for anything I might have done to you."
Exact quote. 44 years after the fact.
Now he spends his time posting those inane motivational posters talking about how those that live in the past are only hurting themselves. Because, you know, my remembering the repeated sexual assaults is the problem.
I wonder if sexual abusers are narcissists too.
Mean a lot.
He is. The exact same person.
Like Nixonian passive voice assertion that "Mistakes were made," the obvious intention with these weaselly apologies is to imply that the guilty party was not the agent of any act that might be considered blameworthy.
He realizes that you "think" he "might" have done something to you, but even if he did, he figures it was nothing specific or worth recalling.
Furthermore, instead of saying directly and sincerely, "I am sorry. What I did was wrong," he shifts the onus onto you to forgive him (without ever receiving a real apology), even using the "magic word" ("please"
. Once he says, "Please forgive me," then, his words imply, you are clearly the intransigent, mean-spirited one if you refuse to forgive him.
No wonder you are still angry. You should be. I don't even know you or him, yet I am seething!
My family protects my abuser. I have no relationship with most of my childhood family. Oftentimes the molested are the family scapegoats. We become the blamed in the "blame the abused" actions. We suffer from PTSD.
Family dynamics of incestual families are so convoluted, so Orwellian. We learn to trust and believe those who hurt and to distrust those who heal.
There is no real relational connection, it is all fake and forced. There is much ridicule and degradation from the abusers, no encouragement or healthy learning. We feel like frozen statues.
One enlightened thought came to me this week is: Shame is the Moral Compass
I understood that shame is a good thing just as much as it can feel so hurtful. Shame in healthy doses keeps the needle of our Moral Compass (in no way in a religious sense) guiding us on the healing path our life journey. I felt unburdened from my harmful shame at the moment that awareness came to me. I'm melting, and that's a good thing!
Abusers have no shame, they absolutely cannot feel shame, therefore they have no Moral Compass, no inner guide to keep them on a healthy path. So they live their lives on a road of utter destruction, destroying everyone and thing in their path, themselves included. Nothing good will come of this.
"
which is really his shame I was carrying)" and his hate, because to do what they do, they must hate!
This is the real truth!
The Healing Path is the only path worth traveling. For just being born and existing in this world is a trauma.
I can't even begin to really understand what you have suffered and in particular about your own parents not believing you. I'm just so terribly sorry for what you have suffered and in some ways continue to suffer though I'm so glad for you that you feel you've been able to generally move past it.
I'm happy that you were courageous enough to share this so very personal part of yourself and your experiences, and sincerely hope that if nothing else that it proves helpful for you to have done so.
I know my meager words can't adequately express what I feel for you, and I hope that you can understand that. Maybe there just aren't any adequate words to really express how very moved I am by your story and the courage it must have taken for you to write it out here.
'cause I have been there as well. I won't tell the story here (because the details don't matter), but I will say I was well into my late 30s before I finally realized I was not the "bad person" in the story.
I do feel for the young women in this case. I did before, because they are being taught all the crap about how a man is superior and blah blah blah. I don't see this young man saying he is sorry to them at all. He only seems to be saying "yeah, I did something bad". Those aren't even apologies in my eyes!
Stay strong and love yourself! You sound like a very cool person and I hope you have a life full of peace and happiness!
or some such nonsense. So, if the kids did receive counseling, it wasn't very good counseling.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Peace and hugs to you.
