For those of us who remember

[madokie]

for a moment of levity. enjoy


These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[Kalidurga]

1. Amazing the jokes are still fresh after all these years.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. I remember, my dear madokie, and thank you!

The last two lines are really true!

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[Iggo]

3. lol...strawberries.

[F4lconF16]

4. I didn't remember...since I didn't even know Hollywood had squares, or game shows.

But those were pretty funny

[madokie]

5. Starting with the very first one

my sides hurt LOLOL

[F4lconF16]

6. I'm definitely sharing these.

My girlfriend would love them.

[madokie]

7. I've printed them off and have it laying in my wifes easy chair so it might take some of the weight

off her shoulders when she comes in from work.
She'll enjoy that

[navarth]

22. madokie

You are full of good ideas today. I think I'll forward this.

[madokie]

24. Navarth

you made my day, thank you :pal:

[progressoid]

8. ...

[valerief]

16. They were funny. I simply HAD to look up what Japanese brides shaved.

Eyebrows!

[olddots]

9. Paul Lynde was one of my comic heros

thanks for this post .

[Stryder]

27. This one always stuck with me.

Q: Why is it a good idea to rub a pencil on your zipper?
Paul: Because it feels so goooood.
Pretty risque, back in the day.

Gotta love Uncle Arthur.

Thanks for the flash back.

[Geoff R. Casavant]

10. And one more a friend of mine loves to tell:

Q. Who said, "What a dump!"

A. Paul Lynde: Dumbo!

[MsMAC]

11. Laughed till I cried!

[In_The_Wind]

12. Welcome to DU ~ MsMAC

[img][/img]

[valerief]

13. Those are hilarious! Thanks!

[WillyT]

14. HUGE K & R !!! - THANK YOU !!!

I needed that.

[awoke_in_2003]

15. That show couldn't be aired today...

They were all good, but Paul Lynde was the king.

[Hissyspit]

17. My Favorite:

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

[MsMAC]

47. mine too!

[Agnosticsherbet]

18. Perhap the best commedy show ever aired on television.

Lots of fond memories.

Of course, now I need to run right out and rip out all of my strawberries.

[kentuck]

19. Those are still great!

[KamaAina]

20. "You're dis-gust-ing!"

I never knew George Gobel was on the Squares. Must've been before my time.

[navarth]

21. Oh man what a great post. The inverse relationship between laughing

and growing old is Scientifically Proven!!

..and I remember Hollywood Squares with great fondness. thanks very much.

[Mnemosyne]

23. Ahh, thanks needed that now. nt

[madokie]

25. Didn't we though

I know I sure did

[Mnemosyne]

28. Been a long day for you too, madokie?

[madokie]

29. Yes it has

We have good days
we have bad days

then we have Sad Days, this is a very sad day

[Mnemosyne]

31. And some days seem so much longer, but usually not the good ones.

Mad world...

[madokie]

33. Its never the good days

those always pass so fast.

[Hekate]

26. I missed all that good stuff the first time around! Thanks so much for the day brightener. nt

[MarianJack]

30. Here's MY favorite ever!

Peter: What disease did they cure in the middle ages by slipping a hangman's noose around your neck?

Paul: CONSTIPATION!

PEACE!

[heaven05]

32. I did laugh

thanks.

[Thespian2]

34. Thank You

I remember those wonderful shows...and I am

[PatrickforO]

35. I remember all those people.

[madokie]

36. Me too

that means we're no spring chickens any more, huh

[PatrickforO]

38. LOL. Nope. But I sure wish I knew THEN what I know NOW.

[madokie]

41. On so many different levels

[bigbrother05]

56. Trivial bit: Charlie Weaver's real name was Cliff Arquette, all the young ones are his kin

[bulloney]

37. Q: According to the ancient Greeks, it's bad luck to look into the water and see what?

Marty Allen: A German U-Boat.

[Art_from_Ark]

39. I used to watch this with my grandfather

It was really funny. Paul Lynde and Charlie Weaver were the favorites, like Richard Dawson in Match Game.

[tularetom]

40. If we grow old because we stop laughing I'm 10 years younger just for reading that

Thanks for posting it.

[malaise]

42. Those were hilarious

I did love that show

[madokie]

43. With a few more good ones thrown in in replies

We needed something to take us away for a bit

[malaise]

44. A friend sent me some delish ones earlier today

Looks like everyone was thinking the same thing - time for some stress breakers

Getting old disgracefully !

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soa s not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

[madokie]

45. I got that last one as a birthday card this year

LOL
you ought to start a new thread with this. we all need the escape it would help in bringing us today

[eridani]

50. Success is---

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants
At age 10, success is having friends
At age 16, success is having a driver’s license
At age 25, success is having sex
At age 35, success is having money
At age 55, success is having money
At age 65, success is having sex
At age 75, success is having a driver’s license
At age 85, success is having friends
At age 95, success is not peeing in your pants

[malaise]

52. ROFL

Hence the saying 'once a man, twice a child'

[ladyVet]

46. I adored Paul Lynde! I remember how much fun the show was, in the early days.

Thanks for the laughs, I enjoyed every single joke shared here.

[MarianJack]

48. Here's MY favorite ever!

Peter: What disease did they cure in the middle ages by slipping a hangman's noose around your neck?

Paul: CONSTIPATION!

PEACE!

[cherokeeprogressive]

49. Richard Dawson asks "In what month does a woman normally start to show her pregnancy?"

Contestant: "Um... September?"

Cut to commercial. When they came back Dawson was still on his knees laughing.

Bob Eubanks on the Newlywed Game: "Where would your husband say is the strangest place you ever had sex?"

Contestant: "Um... in the butt?"

[LeftOfWest]

51. Loved Hollywood Squares. Loved Bewitched. Uncle Arthur and Serena episodes especially.

"Stew Away" Uncle Arthur. One of many.


The Arthur/Serena tribute to Lucy/Ethyl assembly line with the chocolate bananas scene, hilarious.



Paul Lynde will always be Uncle Arthur AND the Center Square to me.



Thanks for the memories, important.

[Vattel]

53. ty, I needed that

[bulloney]

54. My favorite Paul Lynde comeback. It went something like this:

Q: At the Roy Rogers museum, they have a stuffed display of Trigger. What else do they have stuffed on display?

Lynde gives this incredulous expression on his face and says, "OH NO!!!"

[GoCubsGo]

55. I really miss Paul Lynde.

Q: Paul, we know that males have low levels of female hormones in their bodies. Do females have male hormones in their bodies?

Paul: Occasionally!

[Lifelong Protester]

57. Needed the laughs today!

Thank you for posting-I nearly peed my pants with laughter!!