Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days

[GreatGazoo]

SCHAUMBURG, IL—In a turn of events that has stunned the worldwide medical community, local infant Nathan Jameson, born just six days ago, has become the youngest person ever to permanently and irrevocably lose all faith in humanity.

“This shatters all previous records,” University of Chicago psychologist Douglas McAllister said Monday. “In all of documented medical history, there is no case of a newborn taking less than four months to develop the mental faculties required to grasp the full extent of this existential nightmare we call life on earth.”

“Considering he already comprehends harsh realities that many people spend their entire fleeting, shallow existences attempting to deny, Baby Nathan is quite the little miracle!” he added.

Though he has not yet developed the capacity for speech, extensive cognitive testing has definitively shown that the shockingly perceptive 6-day-old fully understands and accepts that human beings cannot be trusted, that they remain far too ignorant for their opinions to be reliable, that a lack of self-awareness about their own destructive tendencies pervades the species as a whole, and that most are too ineffectual to successfully pursue even the shallow self-interested agendas that rule their lives.

http://www.theonion.com/article/newborn-loses-faith-in-humanity-after-record-6-day-29588

[erronis]

1. Nathan - it doesn't get any better.

You may be forced to live through infancy,
maybe watching your parents start to hate each other and careen towards divorce;

If you're still alive, you'll have to endure being sent to schools that are underfunded,
kid-mates that come from families with severe familial problems,
and live through the horrors of middle-school bullying;

Adolescence and f'in and collegiate nonsense and immature wishes and hopes will soon be rendered stupid by the need to make enough money to buy, buy, buy. But wait, no jobs, even for you bright-headed MBA. Your parents didn't know the right people to get you into the right job. It's all their f'in fault.

OK, now you're middle/late age. No real skills (forestry, plumbing, hunting, surviving). I'm sure the safety net will take care of you.

Oh, wait - this was just The Onion...

[Solly Mack]

2. I came out feet first for a reason.

I love the onion.

[AikidoSoul]

3. The Onion is a National Treasure

We need more humor to keep from going completely nuts.

[gordianot]

4. His parents just need to turn off Fox News. n/t needed

[Towlie]

5. Reader Recognizes Onion Article in Record Three Words

[moondust]

6. No fair!

That's like starting at the finish line! It took me half a lifetime! Cheater!

[cantbeserious]

7. Chuckles

eom

[LibDemAlways]

8. What took him so long ? n/t

[Beartracks]

9. In related news, the youngest person in the world was born today. n/t

[Scuba]

10. Considering Rauner is his governor, hard to blame baby Nathan.