Dear valued worker,
To: American Worker
From: POTUS
Subject: TPP and Our New Direction
Dear valued worker,
As you may have heard, we have recently announced plans to move a large part of our economy offshore in order to pursue new opportunities for growth. In these competitive times, we have no choice but to take difficult but necessary actions to keep America’s CEOs operating at peak efficiency.
While every effort has been made to minimize the impact to workers and their families, some workers have been asked to pursue economic advancement outside the mainstream economy. I’d like to extend my thanks to everyone who served our nation so well for so many years. The outplacement specialists from Goldman Sachs have been retained to assist with a variety of fees and hollow platitudes.
With the past behind us, we must move forward. As we say goodbye to those who helped us achieve a profitable and productive chapter in American history, I hope everyone is as excited as I am to welcome our new co-workers in Asia. They’ll play a key part in reducing our operating expenses. And while your management team has implemented the right steps to limit waste and inefficiency, everyone must do their part. That’s why those who remain will be automatically enrolled in our new “WorkSmart” productivity enhancement program. WorkSmart is used throughout the industry and is credited for doubling productivity while maintaining consistently positive reductions in base compensation and benefits.
I’m proud to say our new economic direction is the most progressive workforce realignment in our nation’s history. Should you have any concerns at all about today’s announcement, please feel free to contact the human corrections officer assigned to your district.
I hope you’ll join me in celebrating this historic milestone. Remember,
“The future’s so bright, you might be able to afford some shades from the dollar store.”
Barack Obama, POTUS
America, Inc
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