Rick Santorum & Gumby Control
Top-Secret external documents from the Rick Santorum presidential campaign indicate the former Pennsylvania Senator is preparing to engage in a last-ditch effort to cement his “last place” status. An uninformed source has assured WaterManNews.com that the republican candidate “has expressed great concern” that other republican candidates “are sounding more insanely out of touch with reality” than he is. The source hinted than Santorum may file a baseless writ with the US Supreme Court, demanding recognition as “the most delusional of all” candidates in the republican primary.
In preparation for the court case, Santorum advocated that medical providers at Planned Parenthood offices should be packing iron (Hard Ball; MSNBC; 12-1-15). Had Donald Trump made the same claim, there would be a tidal wave in media attention, and a rise in Trump’s poll numbers. The Santorum campaign claims this is evidence of a vast, left-wing media conspiracy to deny their candidate the contempt he has worked so hard to earn.
“Senator Santorum has been saying things that should result in ‘late-night’ comics having a field day,” an unnamed campaign aide noted. “For example, my husband has recently claimed that the terrorist attacks in Paris are 100% President Obama’s fault. Ricky has said, in a single speech, that when elected president, he will increase the bombing of ISIS; that President Obama is not bombing ISIS enough; that President Obama literally does not want to defeat ISIS, and thus hesitates to bomb them; and then, that bombing ISIS is the wrong tactic, and that as president, he would not pursue a bombing campaign. This was in front of a huge audience of almost a dozen people, yet the media ignores it.”
The campaign declined to confirm or deny rumors that they are seeking to hire the late Arthur Clokey to serve as Santorum’s top media advisor. Rumors continue to swirl that Santorum is preparing to offer Jeb Bush the vice presidential spot on a third-party ticket in 2016. “Ricky has always self-identified as the ‘Gumby’ of American politics,” said Mrs. Santorum. “Jeb Bush is the most obvious ‘Pokey.’ The two of them are discussing the option of creating the Gumby-Pokey Party, to appeal to all Americans who would prefer to live in a past that never existed. The campaign’s theme song will be ’The Hokey-Pokey,’ which holds the promise of turning this nation around.”