The making of a Scrooge: Experts weigh in on why some older people are angry, isolated

[jtuck004]

...

Nobody ever stopped him in the street to say, with gladsome looks, “My dear Scrooge, how are you?” No beggars implored him to bestow a trifle, no children asked him what it was o’clock. Even the blindmen’s dogs appeared to know him; and when they saw him coming on, would tug their owners into doorways.

But what did Scrooge care? It was the very thing he liked. To edge his way along the crowded paths of life, warning all human sympathy to keep its distance.

...
“Often when someone isolates socially by choice it’s because they are depressed,” said Dr. Lesley Blake, a geriatric staff psychiatrist at Eastern State Hospital.
...
“We’re social creatures,” she explained.

There he was, alone again, when all the other boys had gone home for the jolly holidays. (The door) opened; and a little girl, much younger than the boy, came darting in.

“I have come to bring you home, dear brother! Home, for good and all. Father is so much kinder than he used to be, that home’s like Heaven!”

...
And as Blake explained: “A lot of people who have problems as they age lost a parent early on, either through death or being put in orphanages or the parent was in jail. “Older women are more able to deal with grief. For older men, it is seen as a weakness. They use a lot of denial. And then they take it out on other people.”
...

http://m.spokesman.com/stories/2009/dec/19/the-making-of-a-scrooge/

It's an old link from 2009.

We're social creatures. If we had a way to connect again, over a bowl of beans, be able to talk - something, but most importantly not let people slip through the cracks and withdraw so easily - might be a few less incidents to deal with, in those who have aged and those who started thinking that way too early.

Or maybe we have passed that point.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

1. I'll throw this out.

Caused by dementia, personality disorders, and alienating their adult children with their perpetual nastiness and hoarding things. And not being bothered in the least about their piles of junk that are dangerous. They didn't WANT to socialize with anyone. They just stayed there and got older.


My parents had a house with trails through it. They tripped over their junk. One time I was up there and had to go to the nearest emergency room because their dust had triggered my allergies. They didn't care. They just looked at me like something was wrong with me, not with their house. Couldn't clean it up till the last one died.
Any time we tried to throw anything away, mom would go into crisis mode, freak out, growl at me, and then drag the trash back in from the curb. This was just a few days after she had carotid surgery.


After that it took my hubby and me 6 years of going there on weekends and whenever we could to make it habitable. Threw away 50 year old rotten hat boxes, gave away to a thrift store 33 purses I found in a shower stall used as a closet, sold at auction countless amounts of stuff, including good mahogany furniture that the young people don't want.

[safeinOhio]

2. Hey you kids

get off my grass.

I'm an old person and have many friends like this. Deep down, good folks that feel powerless in their old age. I try to give them a break.

[newfie11]

5. I'm an old person too

All y'all young whipper snappers leave my treasures alone!

Actually I gave all my stuff worth anything to my kids already.

The stuff I have now is not worth much (except property) to anyone but me and can go in garbage once I pass on.

Except my dogs/horses/cats.
They are priceless. ( and taken care of).

[KT2000]

3. human interaction is increasiingly

taking place on the internet. It is there ready to feed anger and hate if that is what a person is interested in. I see plenty of old men so blinded by the RW they are in a perpetual state of anger.

[Ligyron]

8. Bingo!!

[Manifestor_of_Light]

11. My parents were diehard Democrats.

Dad voted for Norman Thomas when he was young, in fact, and his brother stayed a Socialist to the end.

You don't have to listen to Fox News and RW hate speech to be grumpy, but I am sure it doesn't help any.

My parents sounded like Republicans when they got old. They kept telling me that it must be MY fault that I couldn't get a job, because I had a good college education and they paid for most of it. Kept throwing it in my face. Never thought they'd sound like Republicans blaming me for not having a job. Certainly made me depressed.

[handmade34]

4. the result of a dysfunctional

social and economic system... when money trumps people... many people suffer

[lindysalsagal]

6. I've met plenty of middle-aged men who can't be with people

and I do think it has everything to do with their childhoods. They didn't learn to connect as children, and so now, being adrift is all they know.

If you don't have kids and grand kids, or even if you do but you don't put in the effort to be involved, people give up on you and you're alone.

You can bring a horse to water....

If grumpy seems normal, then they'll cling to it even if they're miserable. They won't change. Nothing will make them change.

Depressed? Sometimes I feel like the majority of us are depressed, living here in the greatest country in the world.

It almost seems like humans are here to reproduce but not be happy.

[dembotoz]

7. my cousin died a couple weeks back

she lived some miles from me
tried to maintain better contact over the years with minimal success

turns out closer relatives also had lesser contact with her

she used to be quite active in organizations.....years ago first female pres of the lions club.

this is nothing new or rare.

[hobbit709]

9. When you get older you also get isolated because everyone you knew has died.

About 75% of the people I used to hang with are dead now.
you go somewhere and realize that you hardly know anyone there.

[FLPanhandle]

10. As an aging man in his early 50's, I can now relate to the alone old man syndrome

If not for my wife, I would become much more socially isolated. She does much of the planning and organizing parties and dinners and events with our friends. While I love my friends and family, I'm not sure I would make as much effort to stay connected. I am just as happy working on my boat alone.

Should my wife die, I would probably die soon afterward too. She is the one that makes me go to the doctor on rare occasions. Alone, I would probably die of an infection after super gluing back on a finger I accidental cut off.

[KitSileya]

14. It is very common for men not to do any emotional labor.

It's one of the main reasons men don't live as long as women, I feel. Doing emotional labor (making sure socializing happens, remembering birthdays etc, listening without judging, and so on) is seen as women's work, and consequently is devalued by our patriarchal society. It means that men who lose their wives, either through death or divorce, tend not to do it. Hence the decrease of their social circle - who wants to be friends with someone who never reciprocates?

[Jesus Malverde]

12. Television...nt

[Munificence]

13. I think it's more

about being able to carry on a conversation.

I mean face it, we create a common culture through shared conditions. If we have no one around us to share those conversations with about our culture or conditions then what is there really to talk about besides the weather?

I enjoy the company of "story tellers" who tell things about events in their lives. They can take you back 20 years in their life and talk about something they did that was a hilarious. They can paint that picture...they are good at. You can literally imagine the younger version of them, what they looked like, etc...right down to the wall paper patterns.

With "story tellers" you will always have something to talk about as they love to talk and can talk about so many different things. They "lived life" and remember so many of the fine details and simply want to share.

My grandfather was a story teller, He was a man coming of working age right when the great depression hit and his family was already poor, enough is enough! But he'd tell ya about a fun time he had during a really shitty point in his life.

Now have I ever told you about that time I.......

[hedgehog]

15. I worry about the BIL - he's 10 years younger than us,

and he was a grumpy young man. He's had years of practice now.

[sorefeet]

16. I'm grumpy from pain

and trying to explain that to people. So it is easier for me to just stay away from most people. But in all reality I am content and enjoy lots of things. I just do them alone. I am so full of compassion and empathy I fell I could explode wanting to help. So I know that is a good thing. I melt with love when I am around animals. I know that is a good thing. I don't think I am depressed but I am desperate for the truth. By the way. Grumpy and right wing hateful are not the same at all.