My friend's boyfriend (now fiance) is abusing her and she won't quit him....Redux

[ghostsinthemachine]

The Original thread http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027646381

Original post here:

"My friend is being abused by her boyfriend and won't quit him
She meets guy online. I tell her he is an abuser after a couple of weeks when she tells me some of the things that are happening. No violence (yet),, but some pretty glaring stuff.
They go out, she calls me to save her. This goes on for months and months.

Then, last Friday she calls me and is in tears. He got drunk and picked a fight over something in her past. I go rescue her. I think she is going to go home (a place she doesn't like to be, she shares a house) when we part. Instead, against my advice, she goes to his house (where she has almost moved into). He is still drinking and again picks a fight with her. This time he hits her (behind the head, abuser's target so no marks). They fight like crazy, he spits on her, punches her, tackles her but she never calls 911. Somewhere along the line she gets a kick in and gives him a black eye (she is all of 90 pounds).

I get no call until Friday asking me to come to her work (bartender at a dive bar) and I notice she is now wearing an engagement ring! Then she tells me the harrowing story of the last week. Giving him all the excuses possible (his "ex was a black belt so he is scared", " he was drinking hard alcohol" "it is so perfect when he isn't hitting me...all of them). She tells me he is going to buy her a 5000 dollar ring and shows me the wedding dress she has picked out. I am flipped out.

We go out for a while, have some fun and try to talk to her.(he is at work so this will remain secret). I tell her how this is a classic abuser story, everything this guy is doing leads up to abuse. He wants her to quit her job, get married etc.
I Nam telling her that he is an abuser and that it will only get worse. I tell her that every time it gets worse and will get worse UNTIL HE KILLS YOU. Again, like the week before, I think I am getting through to her, this time talking about options etc and we part, with her saying she is going to go home and move her stuff out of his house today while he is at work. I even told her that I would be pissed if she went back....

I tried texting her last night (don't do something stupid) and again this morning. She also agreed to let me accompany her when this goes down. No return calls or message. That tells me she went back to him. (That's the scenario every other time).

She won't go to WEAVE or call the cops when he beats her. She is so desperate to have a man in her life that it is clouding her thoughts. You would not believe it, she is very beautiful with an amazing funny personality, but it takes a man, any man, to make her feel good about herself. She has the lowest self esteem of anyone I've ever met.

My question is... What do I do? I am at the end of my tether here. She continually goes against my advice (then tells me I was right a week later, but still goes back) and her drama is upsetting my normally drama free life. If I was 20 years younger I know how I would deal with it, but now I am an old man, so that's out. What do I do here? Her parents live a distance and I don't know how to reach them without going through her. WEAVE needs her to call, they can't help her without her say-so. The cops can't help either.
What should I do when I get the next call?"

So she texts me on Monday and tells me she is getting married in three weeks and that he treats her like a princess, and he was drunk and now they both have quit drinking.

I have yet to respond. How do I respond? I really don't need this crap in my life. If I get invited to the wedding? What aobut mutual friends which I have been avoiding since all of this?

[msongs]

1. accept the things you cannot change and disconnect from her drama. according to some theories

people will put up with the abuse they think the deserve and not get out until the abuse goes beyond what the person thinks they deserve.

It's good that you care about her. Give her a hug and wish her well.

[OriginalGeek]

8. "Give her a hug and wish her well."

That's really about all you can do. They won't respond to judgmental haranguing. They won't listen to reason. No matter how many horror stories you can tell her she doesn't believe her story is the same. Until it is. Then maybe, just maybe, she'll remember she had a friend who wished her well and, if you are up to it, you might be able to help.

[nichomachus]

2. You've done all you can. Just accept it. You're not going to change anything.

If you don't want to be sucked into their crazy world, just stay as far away as possible. This is a drama, and they both get something from participating in it. Don't become part of the drama -- unless you also get something from it.

[littlemissmartypants]

3. Share this with her. Tell her she will jump into a vortex of hell if she marries him & walk away.

[ghostsinthemachine]

11. can you give me thing so I can print it?

athanks.

[littlemissmartypants]

14. Click the "more here" link.

You should be able to print that out. It gives a better description. Good luck.

[Divernan]

4. Save the receipt for the wedding gift; he'll pick another fight to justify canceling.

I'd bet he's never gone 3 weeks sober since she met him. On the other hand, he doesn't want to lose his victim - maybe he actually will marry her, and then she'll really be what he regards as his property to abuse. This abusive relationship, whether he marries her or not, will likely go on for years. Do you choose to waste years of your life on this one sided stressful relationship?

I suggest you get some counseling to help you accept the reality that there's nothing you can do for her, that she will never accept your advice, cut your losses on this friendship and find some mentally healthy people to befriend.

[ghostsinthemachine]

7. He is less than five days sober....

Wants her to quit her job...and she cannot do anything other than THAT job. (Bartender in old school dive bar)

[Divernan]

12. Like alcoholics don't drink on the sly after they've claimed to quit

And of course he wants her to quit her job. Then he'll have compete control over her. But really, further details on whatever is going on between them isn't relevant.

She knows about women's shelters/programs. He fills some need for her. They are both sick, i.e., mentally ill. You're not a mental health professional. There is nothing more you can do, except get sucked in to their vortex of abuse and violence. Your choice.

[littlemissmartypants]

5. More here...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=5508439

[ghostsinthemachine]

21. Thank you I used the graphics yesterday

To convince her to leave. Once she saw them it just clicked.

[littlemissmartypants]

6. Four phases.

The cycle of abuse has four phases:



Build-up:
Stress builds up in the abuse

The cycle begins with some stress (ex: job, money or bills). The stress causes the abuser to feel powerless. The abuser chooses to act out toward a spouse or partner through name-calling, insults and accusations. As the tension builds, victims try to calm the abusers and try to guess ways to meet all their needs. The tension becomes unbearable. At the stage, victims feel like they have to be extra careful and alert around the abuser. It’s like walking on eggshells



Act Out:
Tension leads to violence

The tension that builds up in the abuser leads to severe verbal abuse, threats or a violent physical or sexual attack.It may happen once – but usually happens over and over.Abuse is always on purpose – it is never an accident. Abusers believe they need to hurt or humiliate their victims so they can feel they have the power and control in the relationship.



Rationalize/Justify:
Abusers blame others, rationalize their actions

Once they’ve committed the violent act, abusers will often blame others or use excuses to justify their actions. For example, the abuser might tell the victim: “you have been driving me crazy lately. It’s your fault this happened!” Or, he/she may make light of the violence that occurred: “I barely touched you. You’re making a big deal out of nothing!”These are defenses used to turn the blame away from abusers and make them feel better about themselves. Abusers then try to convince their victims that the abuser’s version of the truth is what really happened. Often, because they feel powerless to object, victims begin to doubt their own experience. They start to believe the incident really happened the way the abuser remembers it.
Snip
More at link.
http://www.gov.mb.ca/fs/fvpp/cycle.html

[littlemissmartypants]

15. Fourth phase, PRETEND NORMAL

Once the abuser has justified or rationalized his/her actions, and the victim has accepted the abuser’s version of what happened, the pretend normal stage begins. Both partners try to make the relationship continue in a normal way by pretending that everything is alright. But if the abuse is not dealt with, the cycle will continue.
The cycle of abuse can happen over a long or short time. Often, as the cycle continues, the violence grows and the assaults become more serious.

It cannot be stressed enough how dangerous this situation could be for her.
Victims who are caught up in the cycle of abuse often become isolated from family and friends. They may feel ashamed to see them, or may have been warned by the abuser not to talk to them. As a result, the victim becomes even more dependent on the abuser, and no one is around to help.

[Fairgo]

9. Get some help for yourself

This is a social disease, it effects everyone who cares. You obviously do and seem to be sustaining damage in its wake. Try Al Anon, and/or other support group for family affected by alcohol/domestic violence. The best thing you can do for you, yours, and your friend is to find other people who understand what you are going through, can create a safe place for you to be, and impart some wisdom of experience. You can best help your friend by first healing yourself.

Good luck

[ghostsinthemachine]

10. Yeah, okay.......

if only I could. Being someone that barely lives in his car, probably not going to happen.

[Chemisse]

13. I'm glad you posted this.

The responses are great. I hope they help you - and others who encounter similar situations.

[littlemissmartypants]

16. Kicking.

For bodily autonomy.

[ghostsinthemachine]

17. Thanks everyone... I would still like to respond to her latest

text. I don't really know how.

[mercuryblues]

18. I am sorry to hear this

I wish there were some magic words to stop this train your friend is on. You have given her all the information you can. At this point there is not much you can do. This will get worse for her, before she leaves. It can take years for that to happen.


Take care of yourself. Get together with your mutual friends for support.

[ghostsinthemachine]

19. She is packing up her stuff and leaving

Me and her Mom and Stepdad finally convinced her yesterday. But only after another drunken (non violent) incident.
She won't be able to get all her stuff, let's hope he doesn't screw with it. I told her to take the things she can't lose in case he does keep it, or burn it, or whatever.

He is at work till noon, so she can only make one trip this morning. I hope he doesn't try something, he knows where she lives and works so he may create some problems there. I am going to send her to WEAVE later when I see her tonight.
One good thing, I can destroy him if she is not in his clutches (metaphorically speaking) and if he does do something I will have no problem destroying him socially and at his workplace. No problem at all.

[cwydro]

20. This post worries me.

I think your heart is in the right place, but you seem to have become WAY too involved with this.

Back away.

Be there as a friend, but this is a continuing cycle, and you should remove yourself from it.

[Beaverhausen]

22. Glad to hear she is leaving

I really hope she takes the help from WEAVE.

[ghostsinthemachine]

23. Me too. She needs to know why she got into

This situation. She needs to build some self esteem too. Let's hope she calls them.

[ghostsinthemachine]

24. Well, today I think she is finally gonna leave him for good...

Or so she says. After a couple of weeks of vacillating, she actually loaded up her crap and moved in with a friend (whom she had been paying her rent for months but hates it there). Refuses however to go to WEAVE or similar support systems in the area.

When she called me last week she told me that the cops got involved last Friday night. Didn't get the details because I had other stuff to do than deal with her trip. Told me then she was moving out but without me around, she went right back to the guy.

But, last night, he sent her nude pics of his other girlfriend. Said he had been screwing her as well and yadayadayada. So this really hurt her and she texted to say she was getting her stuff out and moving back with karen.

Let's see how long that lasts.

[ghostsinthemachine]

25. And now she is at the bar.

Didn't last two hours at her place. Poor kid. Jsut cannot stand to be alone not even for a minute. Here comes some more bad decisions.

[peacebird]

26. Please take care of yourself. When she is ready for the truth it will click, but I fear the stress

& drama & anguish about not being able to MAKE her see will harm you.

Take care of you, please? Does WEAVE have support for friends of abused women? If so...

[LiberalArkie]

28. I have had many friends go in and out of situations (will not call them relationships)

And I decided not to talk about the stuff. When they ask me what should I do, "Whatever you fill is right" and "I will be here if you need anything".

Some people have to work it out for themselves. Some end up being killed, when when told and advised over and over and they keep going back. Nothing could have helped unless their abuser had been jailed first. And even that will not help because the person will start stalking.

[ghostsinthemachine]

29. I am going to hang with her for a while

Gonna be a rough ride tonight. Hopefully we can get out of town tomorrow for the day and check out the forest.

[Agnosticsherbet]

27. years ago, a young woman I worked with was being abused.

It took a long time before she had enough. She was moving, and the asshole showed up and killed her.

Let her know you are there anytime. If you can find a group who will protect he when she gets fed up so you will have it ready.

[ghostsinthemachine]

30. Wedding bells are ringing...

Yep, she married the asshole.
Since the naked photo incident from two weeks ago, after she left me ?and I was thinking she was going home (not his house)she went to his house. She had spent the entire day moving her stuff out of his house before that. That was after he sent a message with a photo of himself and a naked woman to her at 3 AM.

She only texted me that her dog was gonna have to be put down ( tumors). I hadn't heard from her, and really didn't want to know what was going on, so I didn't text her... Usually she is the one who initiates contact. And when she dont, that means she has gone back to the guy.

She did send some wedding photos to mutual, and less intimate, friends. Not a soul in the room.

I've yet to hear the "he quit drinking" excuse or spoken to her about this, but I imagine I will get a "save me" call tonight or this weekend. Two weeks is the longest they have gone throughout their year long relationship without a huge abusive incident.

I'm not sure I am going to answer.

[littlemissmartypants]

31. I'm wondering what happened to your friend. Any updates?

How are you doing? I hope everything is okay. ❤