I had a touchy-feely moment today. He rubbed my back and patted me.

[sheshe2]

Dropped my car off for service last night at a local station I go to. I was scheduled for service today. Asked them to call me with an estimate. Yikes, it was going to be a huge repair. I said I needed to think about it and said I would pick up my car.

The owner came out and explained the problem with my car. He said, I am sorry, I am sorry! Then he kept reaching out and rubbed and patted my back several times. This man was not my friend. He was not a family member. I don't even know the man other than being the owner of a service station. This is not the first time that happened. Usually, I walk home when I drop the car off, one night the weather was bad and he drove me home. Yes, he did it then to. He opened the door for me from across the seat and brushed my breasts.

Not acceptable. Just stop!

[JHan]

1. Awful you experienced this..

Some men feel entitled to be in our space, to touch us and to leer. Sometimes I challenge it, I don't care if they call me angry or a crazy bitch.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. If he does anything like that again, tell him in no uncertain terms

to STOP touching you, and that you won't do business with a man who shows disrespect for women by touching them without permission.

[MADem]

4. Not touchy feely. More like simple assault.

Learn to scowl. It's a shame that you should have to do that, but a hard-ass scowl and assertive posture helps.

Some day it will be 2nd nature for young boys to be raised to not pull that shit and to find it disgraceful. We're not there yet.

He's going to keep doing it if you encounter him again if you don't assertively tell him to back the fuck off.

Find a new mechanic. And have a friend follow you when you have to drop off your car. That way your friend can bring you home.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. Yes. If nothing is said he'll assume he has "permission."

A very unequivocal DO NOT TOUCH ME will probably be necessary. And hiring another mechanic.

[sheshe2]

10. I know. I should have done more.

I moved away, my key was in the car so I did not have to touch him to get it. He followed to move the truck that was blocking my car.

I will be going elsewhere for service. I no longer trust them. The whole encounter creeped me out. I felt dirty.

Thanks, MADem.

[LuvNewcastle]

22. Definitely find another mechanic.

Not only will his attentions graduate further, he will likely mess with the car in order to get her back into his shop so he can 'help' her. And women should not flinch from telling creeps like that to fuck off. I know it's hard to have confrontations like that, but word will get around about you and your boundaries and that kind of thing won't happen much anymore.

[sarae]

5. I'm sorry that happened to you. :(

[sheshe2]

12. Thank you sarae.

Most uncomfortable.

[still_one]

7. Find a different place to take your car. I think you should be concerned about someone

with that type of unsolicited physical contact working on your car

Sorry that you had to put up with that

[sheshe2]

11. I was going to today...

Did not have it in me to do. According to them the whole bottom of my car is rusting out. 2008. 50K miles. 1500 to fix. Will check out Midas on Monday.

Hell! I don't need any of this. I am unemployed to boot.

Hell. I sure don't need a back massage.

[still_one]

13. I know sheshe, you been going through a rough stretch

[sheshe2]

14. Love you.

Somehow I will get this right. Not sure how, but I will.

I just need a tiny little break.

[rusty quoin]

8. Change mechanics. You need at least a second third opinion for expensive repairs.

Rule out this one, and if this is how he does business, I hope his flounders.

[Liberal_in_LA]

9. Ugh!

[roamer65]

15. Not cool. Find another mechanic.

...one who respects your personal space.

Hope you find a job soon!

[BlueCollar]

16. what specifically is wrong with the car?

Why did you take it in?

Maybe one of us has an idea or two to help you.

You don't have to put up with that s!#t.

[sheshe2]

17. When I had an oil change in August...

They said I need a new flange and gasket. I put it off, yet the rattling in the rear end was getting loud. When I went back they said they could fix that, but more had rusted and if they fixed the one it might cause problems elsewhere. They said the muffler from front to back needed to be replaced. Weird, other than the rattling the muffler is not making any noise.

I plan to take it to Midas on Monday. I will let them look and give me a quote.

Thanks, BlueCollar.

[BlueCollar]

19. so if I understand correctly

When you took your car in to be serviced the shop inspected your exhaust system and advised you to have repairs accomplished.

The good news is that none of this is critical (safety related) so you'll have some time to do some comparison shopping.

It may be that you might be able to find a shop that can do just the work you need rather than end-to-end.

Given that you don't have a lot of loose change to spare getting a few different quotes might be your best bet.

Do you live in a large metropolitan area? I ask because the larger the city the more likely you are to find small shops that are willing to do piece part work.

On edit: keep us informed...

[sheshe2]

33. I had it repaired at Midas today.

You were right, they were able to repair only what was needed. He took me into the garage and pointed out what was rusted. They cut away the flanges and replaced that and the gaskets. Then secured the tail pipe which was causing the rattling. Then one other repair toward the front. He told me the car was in good shape and didn't see where the whole thing was "rusted out."

They are now my new mechanic.

Thanks for your help, BlueCollar.

PS... it cost $561.

[BlueCollar]

55. I'm glad you were able

to find another garage to do the work...

Safe driving....

[malaise]

18. You wrote that this is not the first time this happened

After the first time, I would not be doing any business with that man.

[sheshe2]

20. I know.

Thanks malaise.

[hfojvt]

21. the first time sounds like an accident

although reaching across to open a door sounds odd to me. Some people are odd like that though. I was visiting a couple once and the woman sat in the truck until her husband opened the door for her. I think some men have the idea that they need to open doors for women, or maybe it was her idea.

As for the other, it's not like the back is off limits or something for human contact. You sound like you may have been stressed out, and for some reason he was somewhat distressed by your stress. Sounds like you have dropped your car off there more than a few times.

Myself, I try to make friends with people like my mechanic, my dentist, my vet, etc. I keep moving next door to mechanics though too, so I see those guys almost every day.

[Orrex]

24. I can imagine no circumstance in which the mechanic's action was appropriate

As for the other, it's not like the back is off limits or something for human contact.

Outside of an explicitly medical or therapeutic contact, to avoid an immediate physical hazard, or when fitting a garment, I can't imagine a circumstance in which it is appropriate for a male professional to place his hand on a woman's back without first obtaining her permission.

You sound like you may have been stressed out, and for some reason he was somewhat distressed by your stress.

Know the best thing for a professional to do in a case like that? Not placing his hand on a woman's back without first obtaining her permission.

Sounds like you have dropped your car off there more than a few times.

Know the best thing for a professional to do in a case like that? Not placing his hand on a woman's back without first obtaining her permission.

[hfojvt]

25. that seems like an odd way to live

Seems to me that any number of times that I touch people without their permission.

Your idea of a professional sounds like a Vogon to me. "Does he have authorization?" I'd sorta rather deal with humans myself, than cold, unemotional professionals. I sorta dumped my barber because he did not seem friendly enough.

Of course, I am working poor and cheap and I'd rather cut my own hair than spend $50 a year on haircuts. It's not like my career or love life can be damaged anyway.

[bettyellen]

28. You should not touch people you barely know. Full stop. If you want friendly- get friends.We are not

Your friends to touch.

[sheshe2]

34. ^^^This^^^

Exactly, bettyellen.

[bettyellen]

35. Unfucking believable the entitlement in his thinking- we both know how it is ....

If we were too unactractive, he would not do it..... if we were with men who could be boyfriends or husbands- he'd never DARE. He does the math every time, yet assumes we don't catch on? Give me a break.

[Orrex]

41. "If you want friendly--get friends."

That's just about perfect.

[bettyellen]

48. Thank you! I'm guessing if he doesn't have friends... boundary trampling creepiness could explain it

I get that some people don't know social norms and need to have them explained. But once someone explains boundaries and you decide to ignore them, forget it.

[Orrex]

40. Please describe the situations in which you touch people without their permission

We're not talking about the occasional finger-touch when you're handing money to a cashier, or the jostling of shoulders on a crowded bus.

In what circumstances to you imagine it to be ok for a man to place his hand on a woman's back without her permission?

[Squinch]

36. Is this for real, or is your response how you imagine the

creepy guy would justify his actions, which by the way were completely inappropriate?

Yes the back is off limits for people who don't know you. And no, the opening the door from the inside so that he gets a boob feel is not normal. Sheshe is not, like your friend, the mechanic's wife and that "reach across" tactic is one that is commonly used by creepy men who want to touch women who don't want to be touched.

And yes, it does sound like she went there more than once. What's your point with that? The inappropriate contact was deserved because she went more than once?

Bully for you that you make friends with your mechanic and vet. That isn't what this is about.

Thanks for explaining to us that what was REALLY happening was nothing like what Sheshe is saying it was. I'm sure we'll all defer to your superior knowledge about this.

[hfojvt]

51. it might be nice

if you would defer to my superior empathy about this.

Yes the back is off limits for people who don't know you. (see below, he does know her and she knows him)

And no, the opening the door from the inside so that he gets a boob feel is not normal. (He did not "get a boob feel" as I read the OP, he brushed against her, how does anybody know if that was deliberate)

Sheshe is not, like your friend, the mechanic's wife (I did not say she was, but that was an example of a man who apparently feels the need to open car doors for women (or maybe just his wife, it's not like I asked him 20 questions about his car door fetish))
and that "reach across" tactic is one that is commonly used by creepy men who want to touch women who don't want to be touched. (you know this how? Have there been studies done about these 'creepy guys' and their tactics? What exactly is a creepy guy? Are we sure this guy is one? Are we sure that this particular guy is not a happily married father of two?)

And yes, it does sound like she went there more than once. What's your point with that? The inappropriate contact was deserved because she went more than once? (deserved is a strange word in this context. But my point with that goes back to above - they know each other.)

Bully for you that you make friends with your mechanic and vet. That isn't what this is about.
(It could be, perhaps he thinks of her as a friend, a casual friend, but more than a stranger. I kinda don't understand in this context, why people cannot be friends with each other, why we cannot have a kinder world.)

[Squinch]

53. Here's why people can't be friends with each other in this context:

Men putting their hands on women who don't want them to do that are not being friendly. They are being disrespectful of basic social boundaries, and they are being creepy.

And in answer to your question about "what is a creepy guy?": A creepy guy is a guy who puts his hands on a woman who doesn't want his hands on her. It has nothing to do with his marital or parental status.

I notice you did not answer the question above asking you to describe the situations in which you touch people without their permission. Let me just clue you in, in case it applies: if you are putting your hands on women without their consent, you are not being friendly. They are not enjoying it. They are finding you creepy.

And do tell us more about your empathy as you mansplain to Sheshe how wrong she is about her experience.

[Orrex]

56. "superior empathy"

Thanks for the giggle.

[Rex]

47. Sure he just brushed up against her, right.

He invaded her personal space, that is not okay. He knew what he was doing.

[Orrex]

23. That is fucking creepy as hell

Next time, mace him.

[misterhighwasted]

26. Ugh! SheShe..a deplorable encounter. Gross

I would have to find another car repair shop.

If you turned down his urge to grope would he get even by overcharging for repairs you don't need?
That's when I would get paranoid.

Bet he votes for trump..

[manicraven]

27. I don't like that he knows where you live, too. Definitely avoid this guy.

I think a second opinion is a great idea anyway.

[guillaumeb]

29. Apart from the ignorant violation, what is sad is that a certain number of people will

attempt to "explain" this to you if you mention it in conversation.

Personally, I only shake hands with people if they initiate it. Hugging and touching other than a handshake is reserved for my relatives and friends.

[Squinch]

39. The 'splaining is already happening upthread. SMH.

[guillaumeb]

42. I read that. I would also complain to the BBB. eom

[Rex]

31. Be careful sheshe2! Not saying the guy is a serial killer.

But they recently discovered it was a REAL ESTATE agent, murdering people and locking women in a storage container to be tortured and treated like a dog. I am very upset this guy did this to you!

Stay safe my friend, trust no strange male - I hate to say this as a guy, but always be on guard around people like that owner.

[sheshe2]

43. Thanks, Rex.

I will be careful. I also have a new mechanic as of today. Midas took care of the repairs that needed to be done without replacing the entire muffler. He said my car was in good shape and not all "rusted out".

[Rex]

46. Good to hear, you don't need to go back to that slimeball.

I know a few business owners (male) that think women should just naturally swoon when they enter the room...tiny little, egos.




EDIT- sorry for the mansplaining, I just worry about you that guy could be a monster. I feel better knowing you found a honest mechanic!

[sheshe2]

49. Thanks for caring, Rex.

I didn't see it as 'splaining. That was all done elsewhere on this thread.

[Rex]

50. Thanks, I reread what I wrote and thought I might be doing the exact same thing.

I know you know all that, just that guy worried me. No way was he just some butterfingers. Pervert.

[Starry Messenger]

32. Ugh.

I thought my double mansplaining episodes today were crappy--at least they didn't touch me. That sucks sheshe. XO

[bettyellen]

44. I had some bros double team me with 'splaining how Hillary is exactly like her husband....

But also worse. And they think they're progressive. Very weird experience.

[yellowcanine]

37. If you do not object it will escalate. Accidental touch my hiney.

[Rex]

45. Agree, there is no such thing as accidental touch.

Slimeballs don't work that way.

[Warpy]

38. If it ever happens to you again, just take a big step back

and give a frosty "excuse me." That will stop most of them in their tracks.

I'd also take the car to a different shop next time.

[imanamerican63]

52. There are those who just don't get it!

I feel bad this happened to you. It is not cool and you need to report this to his boss or report to the authorities? Creeps like him should never touch someone without permission.

[ecstatic]

54. That's awful. Be safe!

If Mr creepy has the nerve to make a follow up call, tell him your boyfriend/husband took care of it (to eliminate any more ideas on his part since he knows where you live).