More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Trumpocalypse Now Edition
Last edited Sun Feb 19, 2017, 08:31 PM - Edit history (1)
Tomorrow is it. The moment that will determine the future of our country. No...it's more accurate to say that tomorrow will determine whether this country even has a future.
The media wants you to think it's a choice between two terrible candidates. It's not. Let me run it down again:
Hillary Rodham Clinton (D)
Pros: A successful Senator and Secretary of State. Knowledgeable, intelligent, experienced, speaks in comprehensible sentences, a proven leader with a track record of helping people.
Cons: Whitewater, even though that was a "scandal" made up by the media. Benghazi, another "scandal" made up by the media. The email thing, even though that was yet another "scandal" made up by the media but dammit, the FBI keeps harping on it. Had Vince Foster killed...except she didn't unless you're a guy who wears tin foil on his head. Has a weird cackling laugh. (Okay, I gotta give them that one)
Donald Trump (R)
Pros: Erm...uh...hang on...there's got to be something... We'll take his word that his tiny tiny hands don't indicate anything else.
Cons: Businessman with multiple failures and bankruptcies to his name. Racist. Sexist who brags about assaulting women and gawking at underage models. Islamophobe. Thin skinned bully who'd probably nuke a world leader who made fun of his tiny tiny hands on Twitter. Can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he is. Wants to bang his own daughter. Actually, he DOES appear to have beaten his kids. Beloved by the KKK, Breitbart, and other white supremacists. Beloved by Alex Jones and other guys who wear tin foil on their heads.
One of those things is not like the other.
For this Trumpocalypse Edition, I'm mostly rerunning Trump-based entries going all the way back to his entry into the race, when everyone with a rational brain in their head thought he was just a joke candidate running a vanity race...forgetting, with apologies to Barnum and Mencken, that Republican primary voters don't have rational brains; and underestimating the extent to which the media would basically suck his tiny little orange...hands. There's a few new ones near the bottom, though.
And if Drumpf wins, I guess I'll see you all in the concentration camps. Thanks to those who read and recommend either way!
[url=
][img]
[/img][/url][url=http://faketrumptweet.com]via FakeTrumpTweet.com generator[/url]
(No. 26 in a series)
Things You Have To Believe To Be A Trump Supporter Today
* A billionaire who made his money from inheritance, shady land deals, brain-cell killingly stupid reality shows, and incessant self-promotion has earned the right to say that working people's wages are too high.
* It is inappropriate of the Pope to question the religious faith of a man who constantly questions Barack Obama and Ted Cruz's religious faith.
* Donald Trump is qualified to be President because of his business expertise in multiple bankruptcies, losing money on casinos, and having high profile business partners sever their ties with him.
* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. and Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Willard Mitt Romney not to go.
* Getting sent to military school is just as good as actually serving in the military.
* After thirty-five years of bellicose anti-government, anti-immigrant, anti-science, pro-rich rhetoric it is shocking and confusing that an obnoxious, ignorant, racist billionaire businessman has won the Republican presidential nomination.
* Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A black man wants to make health care more affordable to more people. Not Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A bombastic bigot with a bad haircut wants to stop immigration, persecute believers of a religious minority, torture people, demand loyalty oaths, and punish those who criticize him.
* You think politics has gotten polarized and vile in this country. You approve of Donald Trump encouraging his supporters to beat up protesters.
* You resent satire that depicts conservatives as violent and misogynistic, and think the dumb whores that create it should be raped and murdered.
* The proper response to an editorial writer comparing Trump's campaign positions to fascism is clearly to call the writer a dumb Jew and suggest that he and all the other dumb Jews be shipped to concentration camps.
* Indiana is in Mexico. New York City is in Afghanistan.
(I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this from someone who also thinks Hawaii is in Kenya)
* Donald Trump's constant boasting and construction of gaudy buildings bearing his name in giant letters show that he's a humble servant of the people and God. Hillary Clinton is a dangerous egomaniac who's only in it for herself.
* Barack Obama is a horrible tyrant, and the only way to save our country is to vote for a man who admires Vladimir Putin, Kim Jung Un, and Saddam Hussein.
* You scream about "criminalizing politics" every time a Republican gets caught doing something crooked, but want Hillary Clinton SHOT just because you don't like her.
* You thought Barack Obama was a thin-skinned narcissist with no governing experience, and are a supporter of Donald Trump.
* You "don't think name calling has any place in public life". You're the running mate of Donald Trump.
* You like Trump because he "says what he means". But he didn't mean it when he said he wanted Hillary Clinton assassinated.
* A guy who has five children with three different women has the moral authority to criticize someone else's "broken homes' (Daniel Dale on Twitter)
* Important Story: Is the Clinton Foundation corrupt, even though there has been no evidence that it is?
Not Important Story: The Trump Foundation bribing public officials and being used as a "slush fund" for Trump to pay off his legal bills and buy giant paintings of himself.
* The embodiment of Christian values: a thrice-married sexual predator who doesn't know much about the Bible, lusts after his own daughter, and can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he is.
* A True Christian(TM) will forgive Donald Trump for making lewd sexual comments to women and cheating on at least two (but probably all three) of this three wives, but not Bill Clinton for cheating on his one wife--or her for being cheated on.
* You get offended when racism, sexism, xenophobia, and Islamophobia are called "deplorable"
Credit to Initech, of Top Ten Conservative Idiots, for inspiring this one:
* You have giant buildings and a private plane with your name on them, and spend $20,000 on a giant portrait of yourself, and can accuse anyone else in the world of being "elitist" with a straight face.
* Bribery: NOT taking money from Donald Trump.
* You scream with outrage at the idea that Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton are going to take everyone's guns away, even though they've never said a thing about doing so, but not a peep when Donald Trump actually says he's going to take people's guns away.
* Business losses of nearly a billion dollars during one of the greatest boom times in American history are the mark of a great businessman.
* You're more offended by people repeating the vulgar word for female genitalia that Donald Trump used more than Trump using the word.
And a Few All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* You brag about getting the endorsement of a notorious racist and anti-Semite you yourself once condemned.
* You're worried about transsexual "perverts" going into women's restrooms; you ardently support a Presidential candidate who bragged about going into a room where 15 year old girls were changing clothes.
* "Consent" to sex is some weird left wing conspiracy nonsense.
* Protestors against pipelines favored by Big Oil should be arrested and imprisoned for "rioting". Threatening to wage armed revolt against the US government if your favored political candidate doesn't win is completely legal.
I just loved this, almost verbatim from jodymarie aimee:
* Fertilized eggs are people but refugee kids aren't.
* The same party that compared Vietnam Vet Max Cleland to Osama Bin Laden and routinely issues attack ads tying Democratic candidates to Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid is justified in [link:http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/10/25/1586628/-Republican-candidate-threaten-to-sue-over-commercials-connecting-them-to-Trump]threatening to sue Democrats for ads linking them to their party's Presidential candidate.]
* The same party that decries "frivolous law suits" every time some corporation hurts people is justified in threatening to sue Democrats for ads linking them to their party's Presidential candidate.
* Big Scandal: Hillary Clinton's friends' emails. Not A Big Scandal: Donald Trump destroying emails and other records demanded by court order. More than once.
* October 2016 was too close to the election to reveal that one of the Presidential candidates might be supported by the KGB, but not too close to the election to reveal that something something emails about the other Presidential candidate.
* It totally makes sense to fire a commentator with ties to the Clinton campaign at the same time they have one with ties to the Trump campaign still on the payroll.
= new reply since forum marked as read
