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smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 10:53 PM Nov 2016

Help. How do I stop lashing out against people who disagree with me.

I have always been a very agreeable person, but this election has brought out the worst in me. I can't bear to read or hear a word from anyone who isn't wholeheartedly on our side. Any contrary viewpoint or dissention brings out rage in me. I have never been like this but I am lashing out at people left and right. Even people that I like. I feel like I am losing my mind.

I have to see my family for Thanksgiving next week and I really don't want it to be a shitshow. It's usually when the guys in the family start drinking that the political fights start - I try to stay out of it, but I don't trust myself right now. I just want to crawl in a hole and hide until this is all over, but I know that is not possible.

How do you deal with it all?

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Help. How do I stop lashing out against people who disagree with me. (Original Post) smirkymonkey Nov 2016 OP
I allow my family to hold their opinion and let them I let them know I am not Thinkingabout Nov 2016 #1
Thanks. I will at least have my own room. I will just have to not engage. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #11
I learned that in this kind of situation, just leave. Quietly, but leave. SharonAnn Nov 2016 #51
Thanks SharonAnn. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #54
Hatred is not an American value. MissB Nov 2016 #2
No, but it's hate that I am against. That is why I am so angry. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #12
If it is brought up...I usually get a few shots in and then go outside and smoke pot. TrekLuver Nov 2016 #3
LMAO. Nt NCTraveler Nov 2016 #6
Maybe I need to pick up a pot habit. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #8
A couple of drinks could do...if you don't drink...leave the room and sign onto DU! TrekLuver Nov 2016 #15
A fine idea! Although if I start drinking I might join in with them. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #19
I've advised my non-liberal friends that I won't discuss politics with them. Lil Missy Nov 2016 #4
Good idea. Our family always says "no politics" but then people start smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #10
I'll let you know if I can figure it out. NCTraveler Nov 2016 #5
Good advice. I will try to follow it. It's not worth getting myself in a state smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #13
Don't go. Go to Jack in the Box. lonestarnot Nov 2016 #7
Not familiar w/ Jack in the Box, but there is always the local pub I suppose. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #14
This message was self-deleted by its author Skittles Nov 2016 #9
I've gone the other direction--just totallly clammed up. Mainly because hlthe2b Nov 2016 #16
I think the food coma might be the way to go. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #20
This is exactly what I'm doing. narnian60 Nov 2016 #44
Meditation madaboutharry Nov 2016 #17
I try, it's hard around them. Although it's interesting. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #21
I don't try MFM008 Nov 2016 #18
sedatives? BainsBane Nov 2016 #22
i have a similar issue drray23 Nov 2016 #23
Whenever Fox News is on in a public place, vlyons Nov 2016 #30
Not dealing very well here. mountain grammy Nov 2016 #24
I hear you. I am sorry that you are having a hard time as well. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #31
I'm not doing well in that regard either lillypaddle Nov 2016 #25
Hang in there. We will mourn for a while, but come back stronger. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #32
thanks lillypaddle Nov 2016 #38
go for a walk, read a book, watch a movie etc JI7 Nov 2016 #26
Yes, at least I will have my own room to get away to. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #33
Can you get the women to agree beforehand--as a joke--that if the men start talking politics mnhtnbb Nov 2016 #37
Like "Lysistrata"? smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #48
Exactly! mnhtnbb Nov 2016 #53
Facts; cold hard facts bhikkhu Nov 2016 #27
Yes, you are right. I am hoping that their better nature will come out this holiday. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #34
But you can still argue about facts. TexasMommaWithAHat Nov 2016 #56
I've had to deal with a giddy bunch of people at work hibbing Nov 2016 #28
Work has been tough, but I have been able to temper my emotions even there so smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #35
Hatred is poison vlyons Nov 2016 #29
Yes, you are right. I really do try to practice compassion. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #36
Don't beat yourself up too much! vlyons Nov 2016 #43
Thank you for your kind compassion! smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #49
Some options: Ilsa Nov 2016 #39
"3. Threaten to leave with all of the pies." pinboy3niner Nov 2016 #40
Hopefully his RW relatives will slip into tryptophan comas Ilsa Nov 2016 #41
I think that threatening to leave with all the alcohol in the house smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #50
Naw, if you do that, they'll call the police or start throwing punches ? NT Ilsa Nov 2016 #59
This election about done me in madokie Nov 2016 #42
I know how you feel. It's pretty much done me in too. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #57
Tough. But try taking the long view. And reach deep enough to find the well of love. lostnfound Nov 2016 #45
I realized my feelings were too raw leftyladyfrommo Nov 2016 #46
Also, recognize that it's a cult. And find one other person who is quietly suffering with it too. lostnfound Nov 2016 #47
Well, LWolf Nov 2016 #52
Tell them, TexasMommaWithAHat Nov 2016 #55
Fortunately, our side is much smarter and we have better arguments. smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #58
I don't have any plans this year for Thanksgiving. I am planning on hunkering down, watching MiniMe Nov 2016 #60
Sounds perfect actually, enjoy! smirkymonkey Nov 2016 #61

Thinkingabout

(30,058 posts)
1. I allow my family to hold their opinion and let them I let them know I am not
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 10:58 PM
Nov 2016

Going to follow the dumb republicans nor will believe the crap they believe just because it was said on FOX.

SharonAnn

(13,772 posts)
51. I learned that in this kind of situation, just leave. Quietly, but leave.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 11:42 AM
Nov 2016

I may say something (or not) depending on the situation. But when the arguments and the drinking starts, I simply disengage. And the only way I can successfully do that is to leave.

Leave the house, go for a walk, go home, go to a hotel, whatever is available.

If I stay, eventually they will get to pushing my buttons more than I can stand. And if I respond, I just "add fuel to their fire" and the enrgykeeps the abuse going and even escalating.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
54. Thanks SharonAnn.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 12:35 PM
Nov 2016

The one bright side is that they have an adorable Black Lab that I can take for walks. I think I will be taking a lot of walks with her. And spoiling her with a lot of biscuits.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
12. No, but it's hate that I am against. That is why I am so angry.
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:13 PM
Nov 2016

I know that most of these people aren't awful. i really just have to try to rise above it for my own sanity. Thanks!

 

TrekLuver

(2,573 posts)
3. If it is brought up...I usually get a few shots in and then go outside and smoke pot.
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:01 PM
Nov 2016

That's pretty much what I do no matter what happens.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
19. A fine idea! Although if I start drinking I might join in with them.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 12:55 AM
Nov 2016

i think it would be best if I just went to my room and went on to DU. I feel better already!

Lil Missy

(17,865 posts)
4. I've advised my non-liberal friends that I won't discuss politics with them.
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:05 PM
Nov 2016

My best friend is a conservative, although I don't know how she voted. I just told her that I don't want to know who among us voted for Trump, as it would likely have an adverse effect on our friendship. I have liberal friends that I can blow steam with.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
10. Good idea. Our family always says "no politics" but then people start
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:10 PM
Nov 2016

drinking (mostly the men) and they start going at it. I think I will probably just go to my room.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
13. Good advice. I will try to follow it. It's not worth getting myself in a state
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:14 PM
Nov 2016

over other people's ignorance.

Response to smirkymonkey (Original post)

hlthe2b

(102,236 posts)
16. I've gone the other direction--just totallly clammed up. Mainly because
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:20 PM
Nov 2016

I can not help but look at everyone I see--both male and female--and assume the worst (that the were Trump supporters). Then my contempt begins to bleed over into my thoughts and if I dared to talk about anything topical, I'd surely blow a gasket.

So, I try to say innocuous things, but just stew or "trance" out.

narnian60

(3,510 posts)
44. This is exactly what I'm doing.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 09:05 AM
Nov 2016

Everywhere I go, everyone looks like a Trump voter. I'm feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone episode.

madaboutharry

(40,209 posts)
17. Meditation
Fri Nov 18, 2016, 11:29 PM
Nov 2016

Seriously. It will calm you and help you avoid having an emotional reaction to the things they say..

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
21. I try, it's hard around them. Although it's interesting.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 12:59 AM
Nov 2016

I was in the car when my parents were having a fight on the way back from a holiday one year and I just really meditated on being peaceful and wishing them peace and love and amazingly they stopped fighting! I think there is something to it! I thought it was miraculous at the time.

BainsBane

(53,032 posts)
22. sedatives?
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 01:08 AM
Nov 2016

Seriously, you could ask whoever is hosting Thanksgiving to make a no politics rule for the day.

drray23

(7,627 posts)
23. i have a similar issue
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 01:12 AM
Nov 2016

I have stopped going for breakfast at my favorite restaurant because they have fox news on and I know many of the customers are republicans. The last thing I want is get upset while enjoying my breakfast. I would not be able to not react to somebody at the next table talking shit.

mountain grammy

(26,620 posts)
24. Not dealing very well here.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 01:20 AM
Nov 2016

I've blocked at least 2 dozen people on fb and probably just as many have blocked me..I've told people they're stupid and worse, and they are, dammit..

What is wrong with people? The man is an idiot. I've never been more ashamed of my country.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
31. I hear you. I am sorry that you are having a hard time as well.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 04:31 AM
Nov 2016

It is really hard to restrain yourself, isn't it? I want to be the better person, but right now I am just so filled with sadness and rage I just can't seem to help myself.

JI7

(89,248 posts)
26. go for a walk, read a book, watch a movie etc
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 01:30 AM
Nov 2016

i don't know what your exact situation is . would it be odd if you decided to just get away from them and be by yourself ?

could you ask whoever is hosting to maybe watch some movies together or some other non political activity ?

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
33. Yes, at least I will have my own room to get away to.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 04:38 AM
Nov 2016

At least half my family are dems. The ones hosting, fortunately. We are all good people and I think we will try our hardest to get along. It's just when the men start drinking (the women do too, but we don't seem to get as out of hand) that politics come up. I think I will just walk away from it. I care for all of them, but there are just some of them that I can't tolerate politically.

There is always DU! That is a positive! And they have an adorable Black Lab that I plan on kidnapping!

mnhtnbb

(31,384 posts)
37. Can you get the women to agree beforehand--as a joke--that if the men start talking politics
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 06:50 AM
Nov 2016

the women will say, "that's it. No sex for a week." And all the women agree to chime in?

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
48. Like "Lysistrata"?
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 10:53 AM
Nov 2016

Now there is an idea! I think that all the women in the whole country should do that! lol!

bhikkhu

(10,715 posts)
27. Facts; cold hard facts
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 01:32 AM
Nov 2016

stick with them. The declaration of independence, for instance, uses for its basis the notion that all people are equal in the eyes of their creator. Who is anyone to say otherwise? Certainly not an American.

People are basically good, and all politics and relations should follow from that. If some don't believe so, their thinking starts from a wrong place and skews off unpredictably. Its important to have a sound foundation, and the most important thing we can do is demonstrate that in our behaviors.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
34. Yes, you are right. I am hoping that their better nature will come out this holiday.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 04:40 AM
Nov 2016

Our other brother is being deployed, so I think in his honor we would all want to get along. I am hoping for the best. Thanks!

TexasMommaWithAHat

(3,212 posts)
56. But you can still argue about facts.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 12:49 PM
Nov 2016

Yes, all people are created equal. But does that give anyone the right to enter the country illegally and stay?

You can argue about that for hours, and you will immediately delve into opinion.

I refuse to discuss politics at family gatherings.

hibbing

(10,098 posts)
28. I've had to deal with a giddy bunch of people at work
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 02:06 AM
Nov 2016

For the last week, I hear them off in their cubes talking about it. It really changed my opinions of some people. I've been laying low and avoid them at all costs. My passive aggressiveness out it full force.


Peace

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
35. Work has been tough, but I have been able to temper my emotions even there so
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 04:42 AM
Nov 2016

that has been good practice. I like most of my co-workers, even those I suspect of being Trump voters. I am trying really hard to give them the benefit of the doubt.

vlyons

(10,252 posts)
29. Hatred is poison
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 02:59 AM
Nov 2016

Hatred is poison. Hatred also makes people stupid. Think, say, and do stupid stuff. I'm a Buddhist and that is what have I been taught and what I know to be true by looking at my own experience. I am not happy, when I nurture my dislikes and revulsions to a level of hatred for what I think is the source. But how to overcome feelings of hatred?

We begin by recognizing that feelings and thoughts are not real. They have no substance. You can't put them on a scale and weigh them. They just SEEM and FEEL real. And that is part of the illusion. We do not see the world the way it really exists. All things, including you and me, have no independent, eternal, self-existence, because everything arises from previous causes and conditions. Buddhists call this "shunyata," which is poorly translated into English as "emptiness." Many many books, discourses, commentaries have been written about emptiness. It's not a concept that is easy to get without doing your own reading and meditation on it. But the good news about emptiness is that because everything is empty of independent self-existence, the characteristics that we attribute to something don't exist in the object, but in our own mind. And we can, if we choose, change our thoughts about something.

The other thing to know is to practice compassion. Compassion is not some wimpy free pass that we give to stupid racists and hate-mongers. Rather, compassion is recognizing that we are all of us suffering, mainly because we are ignorant about the true nature of reality. That everything is impermanent and empty. In Buddhism, the 3 main mental poisons are ignorance, hatred, and greed, with ignorance being chiefest poison. Trump supporters are just ignorant. They either got conned, or their minds are clouded by hatred, revenge, racism, and bigotry. They have fallen into the trap, the delusion of "us versus them." I fall into that trap frequently, but at least I know that it is just an illusion. In reality, we are all of us connected. We all live on the same planet for god's sake!

So your relatives' stupid political beliefs are primarily caused by ignorance and selfishness. If you can begin to see them this way, it will help lift you out of the awful dread in your heart, when you hear them say stupid stuff. Anger towards them is not the way to help them wake up from their stupidities. Anger at them will cause them to defend their positions. Anger just holds their stupidities in place and makes you feel unhappy. Please know that despite their stupid beliefs, they most likely have good hearts and want to be thought of as kind and considerate. If your relatives and friends profess to be Christian, you can remind them of Christ's teachings to feed the poor, heal the sick, practice peace, and love thy neighbor -- yes even those awful neighbors, who are difficult to get along with. I find that saying these reminders makes them think a little bit.

You will no doubt get frustrated trying to reason with bigots. Facts don't mean much to bigots, because their minds are closed and darkened with stupidity. But deep down, you can talk to their good hearts. This is where generosity and patience from you will save your day. If you get so exasperated that you feel hot anger rising up, walk out of the room. Go sit down somewhere else and get a grip. Breathe breathe breathe and calm down. Recognize that hatred is poison and makes people stupid. Have compassion for them, because they are ignorant and don't know any better. If your mind is inflamed with agitated and confused thoughts, just label them as "just thinking." Remember that thoughts are empty. This will help give you a little distance and calm down. Be a little ray of sunshine. Be a cause that makes things better. Below is a little Buddhist prayer that is my daily "go to," when things get tough and unpleasant.

May all sentient beings be free of suffering, and the causes and conditions of suffering.
May all sentient beings be happy, and have the causes and conditions of happiness.

Hope this helps

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
36. Yes, you are right. I really do try to practice compassion.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 04:49 AM
Nov 2016

That is why I am so disappointed with myself. I have been able to do it in my office. There are people I know who voted Trump that I couldn't stand to look at, but then I realized that I knew they were decent people before, just misguided and have been able to make my peace with them.

I think eventually I will be able to extend it to the community at large. It might take a while. I don't want to hate, I really don't. I will try to understand and follow your advice.

I think I am big enough to do it, it's just that I am hurting so much right now that it's hard.

Thank you for your kind compassion and advice.

vlyons

(10,252 posts)
43. Don't beat yourself up too much!
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 08:47 AM
Nov 2016

Compassion begins at home - with yourself. We are, afterall, just humans. Our human brains are conditioned to perceive reality in terms of subject (I, me, mine) and object (everything else). But in reality, everything is connected and dependent on everything else.

You can have a little fun with the Trumpsters in your life. For example, donate a few bucks to Planned Parenthood in the name of Mike Pence. He will get a thank-you card delivered to his office in Indiana. Then the next time a Trumpster goes on and on about abortion is murder, drop your little bomb about your gift to Planned Parenthood. Or some other small charitable act that you know would get under a RWers skin.

Bone up on a few of Jesus' parables that you can retell to a Trumpster in a fitting occasion. For example say, "I'm reminded of Jesus' parable of the Good Samaritan. Do you know that Bible story?" Then retell the parable. If you think about it, you can come up with some deliciously wicked ways to get Trumpsters to respect your fearlessness, while pointing out their hypocracy, while being the very nicest of persons. They will not argue with what Jesus says.

You are not weak. We are in this together!

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
49. Thank you for your kind compassion!
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 10:58 AM
Nov 2016

And for your suggestions! I like the one about reminding Christians about the story of the Good Samaritan. Fortunately, nobody in my family is very religious, but I do have a few family members who are ignoring me right now because I believe of what they read on my Facebook and Pinterest accounts (not a big FB poster, but when I do, it's Liberal).

Thanks again and I wish you and your family a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Ilsa

(61,695 posts)
39. Some options:
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 07:27 AM
Nov 2016

1. Remind them that you don't want to talk or hear about politics during your holiday;
2. Turn TV up louder to drown them out;
3.Threaten to leave with all of the pies.
4. Say a serenity prayer and meditate before joining them to take the edge off.

Ilsa

(61,695 posts)
41. Hopefully his RW relatives will slip into tryptophan comas
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 07:37 AM
Nov 2016

before they get their hate spiel rolling.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
50. I think that threatening to leave with all the alcohol in the house
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 10:59 AM
Nov 2016

might be a little more effective!

madokie

(51,076 posts)
42. This election about done me in
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 07:50 AM
Nov 2016

I just spent a while removing all the names from my ignore list. I hope I never go there again.
I'm pretty good in real life of not letting religion or politics interfere but I have to admit that I did let politics get in the way during this last election cycle. I hope to not ever do that again. Life is too short to worry with shit that one has no control over anyway.

I'm lucky in the fact in my extended family alcohol is not an issue
We'll have a combination dinner the second Sunday of December with at least 100 family members there and there is no discussions of politics nor religion allowed. We all agreed to disagree when needed a long long time ago

I'm doing my happy dance this morning that I'm back on DU, once again. This has been home for me a long time and my hope is it will be for a long ass time to come.

Sorry about the rambling on there but I just had to type what I did.

lostnfound

(16,177 posts)
45. Tough. But try taking the long view. And reach deep enough to find the well of love.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 10:08 AM
Nov 2016

The long view might be...you sincerely hope something good comes out of this. You hope the US survives. You hope that we are wrong about how awful he is going to be.

But if drunk relatives get loud and obnoxious, maybe tell them they've made it clear that they don't care if you stay and then leave.

This poor woman has a MOTHER who is a Trump supporter. That would be sad.
http://www.refinery29.com/2016/11/130338/trump-womens-health-care-social-security

leftyladyfrommo

(18,868 posts)
46. I realized my feelings were too raw
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 10:12 AM
Nov 2016

When I wanted to bash a guy upside the head at Perkins

This is Missouri . I am having to just stay away from those people.

lostnfound

(16,177 posts)
47. Also, recognize that it's a cult. And find one other person who is quietly suffering with it too.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 10:12 AM
Nov 2016

It's a cult and a sociology case study. It's unpleasant and depressing but a happy song in your head and ask yourself, what is life teaching me in this awful situation?

LWolf

(46,179 posts)
52. Well,
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 12:32 PM
Nov 2016

you could start by acknowledging that there are more than two sides; that this isn't that simple.

I'm not on Trump's side; I never was. I'm probably not on yours, either, but I'm still here listening and responding. I am deeply angry, and have ranted myself, but not to those that I know are too raw, too defensive, to hear what's behind that rant, because we are potential allies, and it doesn't do a single thing constructive to offend people. We might need to work together at some point. So it doesn't matter that I'm angry, that I have blame to lay; it's not about me, and rubbing it in, again, does nothing constructive.

I don't have to worry about Thanksgiving; my family is pretty much on the same page when it comes to Trump, if not Clinton, and we're not that far apart on Clinton. My perspective is that family is more important than politics, and that it could be that your family might have reasons beyond bigotry of various sorts for supporting Trump or not supporting Clinton. It would probably best to listen, and, when you can do so calmly, simply offer a different perspective without anger or aggressiveness, and let it go. They are more likely to listen to anything you have to say if you don't fight with them.

Or, since it's supposed to be about family, don't say anything about politics at all. Simply politely change the subject.

TexasMommaWithAHat

(3,212 posts)
55. Tell them,
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 12:42 PM
Nov 2016

We are all family, and I would like to enjoy my visit with you. Unfortunately, every time you discuss politics, I will have to leave the room."

And those who want to hash it out, can do so away from your presence.

Just remember, though, if "your side" was gloating when "you" won, you will be called a sore loser. That's just the way life works, and it's why I refuse to discuss politics at family gatherings.

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
58. Fortunately, our side is much smarter and we have better arguments.
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 01:09 PM
Nov 2016

My liberal brother is a PhD and I have a Masters. The other side is pretty well educated too, but they are totally doped up on Fox news and despite their education don't have an intellectually curious bone in their bodies.

The one saving grace is the adorable dog. I will have to take her out for walks often. She is a beautiful Black Lab and she doesn't talk!

MiniMe

(21,714 posts)
60. I don't have any plans this year for Thanksgiving. I am planning on hunkering down, watching
Sat Nov 19, 2016, 05:03 PM
Nov 2016

football, and drinking my favorite beverage. It just isn't worth it this year.

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