THE PAST TWO WEEKS
PRESS: "The entire intelligence community says that there is zero evidence that Obama had anyone do any surveillance on you. Why do you keep saying he did?"
TRUMP: (Reaches into Depends and flings content on press)
"I saw the word 'wiretap' in one article and 'Obama' in another and knew Obama was wiretapping me."
PRESS: (Wiping faces)
"But how could that possible mean that....."
TRUMP: (Unbuckles pants)
"Jimmy Kalecka of Aberdeen, Michigan said the same thing on his website. But I didn't say it. They said it."
(Drops trou and shoots moon )
PRESS: ((Recoiling in disgust)
"OH MY GOD! You just SAID IT!"
TRUMP: (Still bent over, farts loudly)
"I didn't mean actual wiretapping. Could be other things."
PRESS: (coughing, gagging and covering mouths and noses with handkerchiefs)
"Dear God, Like , like what?"
TRUMP: (Jams finger up nose and begins to root)
"I am not going to say. I have a lot of evidence. I may say it tomorrow or wait a week or maybe never.
(Displays large green goober)
or NOW!"
(Flicks it towards press)
PRESS: (Crying and scattering)
"What evidence and why are you waiting?"
TRUMP: (Opens mouth as host of locusts fly out)
"The evidence that Obama made the British do it."
PRESS: (screaming, shoving to get out of room).
"You know that we can check that out, right?"
TRUMP: "Go ahead. But someone said it on FOX, I am just saying what he said. You should ask him not me."
(Grabs live chicken and bites the head off.)
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