21 Sarcastic Zen Sayings to carry you thru Life

[packman]

1.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

2.Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

3.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

4.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

5.Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

6.If you ever feel you are worthless remember that you are full of expensive organs.

7.It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

8.Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

9.Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else…

10.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

11.Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

12.If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13.No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15.If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

17.A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18.Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

19.Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21.If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments

[tblue37]

1. K&R #5--to the Greatest page for visibility. nt

[randome]

2. Nice.

[hr][font color="blue"][center]Where do uncaptured mouse clicks go?[/center][/font][hr]

[dchill]

3. Best when read in the voice of Jack Handey.

[pamela]

34. Love Jack Handey

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy"

[dchill]

35. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

[beveeheart]

4. # 14 - my favorite

[Towlie]

15. No, #14 is wrong. Here's how it really goes:

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, then he'll come back for another fish. Offer to teach him how to fish and he'll beg someone else instead."

[Mr.Bill]

25. I recently read somewhere the republican version:

Give a man a fish and you will have one less fish.

[Rincewind]

39. And my favorite,

build a man a fire, and he'll be warm today. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

[Soxfan58]

5. Laughed out loud

At #12

[Towlie]

18. The best response to someone who wants to try skydiving comes from Yoda:

"Do, or do not. There is no try."

[Bernardo de La Paz]

6. Re #14 (fishing)

Never go fishing with only one baptist. Take 2 or more. If you do they will quietly watch each other carefully. If you take only one he will drink all your beer and scare all the fish.

[Danascot]

7. #13

Sums up the internet

[Pacifist Patriot]

21. LOL! Exactly my first thought.

[Shoonra]

8. When God closes a door, He opens a window ... and whispers "Jump ! Jump !"

[grantcart]

20. Just once I would like someone to respond to the annoying "Everything happens for a reason "

after a tragic accident with

"I agree with the pastor that everything happens for a reason, and in this case the reason the plane crashed was gravity."

[CanonRay]

9. Bookmarked!

[Bernardo de La Paz]

10. Some more for y'all

"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is." -- Noel Coward (1899-1973).

The difference between America and Europe is, the Europeans think 100 kilometres is a long distance and Americans think 100 years is a long time.

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." -- Robert Frost

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker" -- Ogden Nash.

"Love wouldn't be blind if the braille weren't so damned much fun." -- Armistead Maupin, "Maybe the Moon".

"If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room." -- internet

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." -- Goethe

"Artificial Intelligence is better than natural stupidity." -- Casey Hamilton, seen on net 1995-3-17.

"Difficile est saturam non scribere." (It is difficult not to write satire) -- Juvenal (60-130).

"Man makes plans, God laughs." -- The Q'uran.

"Adding people to a late software project makes it later." F.P. Brooks: The Mythical Man-Month

"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly." -- Abraham Lincoln

"Television? The word is half Latin and half Greek. No good can come of it." -- attr. C.P. Scott (1846-1932).

"Being gay is natural, hating people for being gay is a 'lifestyle choice'." -- John Fugelsang

"Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am not young enough to know everything." -- Oscar Wilde

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -- Oscar Wilde

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school". -- Einstein.

"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag." -- Molly Ivins

"Any philosophy that can be put 'in a nut-shell' belongs there." Sydney J. Harris (b. 1917) American Journalist

"The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read." -- Oscar Wilde.

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong" -- Voltaire

"As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities." -- Voltaire

"People who are easily shocked ... should be shocked more often." -- Mae West

Finster's Law: "A closed mouth gathers no feet."

"A religious conservative is a fanatic about a dead radical."

Hoare's Law of Large Problems: "Inside every large problem there is a small problem struggling to get out".

A cynic: "A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) "Lady Windemere's Fan" 1891

"The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 1. You cannot win. 2. You cannot break even. 3. You cannot get out of the game." -- C.P. Snow

Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

"If all else fails, immortality can always be achieved by spectacular error." J.K. Galbraith (1908-2006).

[Wounded Bear]

11. K & R ...... nt

[LakeArenal]

12. Freewheelin Franklin says:

Pot gets you through times with no money, better than money gets you through times of no pot.

[sarge43]

13. Some more

You can't please everyone; so you might as well please yourself.

Literature is about love and death; pulp fiction is about sex and murder.

Once, a philosopher, twice, a pervert.

Punish the innocent, promote the guilty.

The two greatest lies ever told: We're glad to be here. We're glad to see you. (IG inspections)

"It will be fun", he said.

[Pluvious]

14. Revision on a classic...

"Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for the night.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

[3catwoman3]

16. What delighful lists.

13 o the OP numbered list, and Molly Ivins on the flag and the constitution are my favorites.

[cwydro]

17. Lol.

I needed to read these today.

Thanks for posting!

[Towlie]

19. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

[jg10003]

22. regarding #12: Why do sky divers wear helmets?

[JayhawkSD]

36. Good question.

When I worked in a steel plant we wondered why we were wearing plastic hard hats when there were 20,000# lifts of steel travelling over our heads.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

40. Because there can be scaling and debris on that steel that falls off. Because

Because a hoist hook can get loose and go flying through the air and clock you on the side of the head with a glancing blow rather than a direct hit. Same thing for a cable break. A worker high up might drop a bolt or a tool.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good just because it won't perfectly stop a 10 ton block of steel.

[JayhawkSD]

46. You've obviously never worked in a steel plant

"Because a hoist hook can get loose and go flying through the air and clock you on the side of the head with a glancing blow rather than a direct hit." Except that these lifts were travelling about thirty feet above our heads.

"Same thing for a cable break." Lifts of this size use chains, not cables, and congratulations on missing the point. If a chain breaks, or the lift falls out of its chains, ten tons are going to fall wnd the workers, along with their plastic hard hats, are going to be flat.

"A worker high up might drop a bolt or a tool." No workers above, no tools; we're all on the floor. The lifts of steel are moving overhead.

We worked for years without hard hats, but with steel-toed boots required, until OHSA came in and required the plastic hats.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

47. Yes, I never worked in a steel plant, but you prove my point.

There are also many kinds of steel plants, including steel foundries, steel mills, open hearth facilities, specialty steel plants and metal fabrication facilities. Not all plants are identical to the one you worked in.

As a programmer with an imagination always looking for bugs and causes of bugs and actively working to nip problems before they occur, years of experience shows that there are many ways for things to go wrong. Just because a hard hat won't protect you in the case of being directly under a ten ton block does not mean they are useless.

I did not miss the point about 10 tons falling directly on a person. I referred to it explicitly. You are the one missing points.

The lifts in many plants may be traveling 30 feet above, but they do get hooked up lower before they are raised. They can break under high tension as they start rising. You can get clocked on the side of the head by a fork lift.

Metal being poured nearby can bounce and fly a distance.

Rolling and milling machinery can break down and send parts and metal flying.

Whether it is chains or cables, same point.

When a cable or chain breaks, it can whip off to the side when there is side tension on it, as there would be with two or more points of lift on a heavy item. Even if a single hoist point breaks, broken chain links can go flying. High tension means high energy breakages.

Workers do need to get up high at times to fix things, attach things to the ceiling even if it is only lighting or power or heating & ventilation.

Stacked / shelved items can fall over or topple while being stacked or unstacked.

A worker can be bent over fixing something at knee level and a worker can drop a tool on them they were using at chest level. Yes, much can be avoided by good working practices, but no workplace or work force is perfect.

Just because you worked without hard hats for years doesn't make it wise. As the falling man passed the tenth floor he was asked "Are you ok?" He said "Everything's fine so far."

[JayhawkSD]

48. Assumptions make people look silly.

You certainly never worked in the steel plant I worked in, and I was talking about me and my coworkers wondering about that specific plant. I did not say that we wondered why workers everywhere in every type of steel plant wore plastic hats, I said that we wondered why we were wearing the hats in the specific steel plant we were working in on the days we were working in it.

The lifts in many plants may be traveling 30 feet above, but they do get hooked up lower before they are raised. They can break under high tension as they start rising.
And how is that in any way relevant to wearing a plastic hard hat?

You can get clocked on the side of the head by a fork lift.
In which case a plastic hard hat is going to do you no good at all. A steel hard hat might be useful if you walk into a stationary fork lift, but even a steel hat is not going to save you if you are hit by a moving one.

Metal being poured nearby can bounce and fly a distance.
Not in my plant; no metal was ever melted, as it wasn't that kind of steel plant. And as a point of information; liquids, metal or otherwise, do not bounce.

Rolling and milling machinery can break down and send parts and metal flying.
And again, missiles are not stopped by plastic, and since such flying parts are moving horizontally, what protection is offered by a plastic helmet?

When a cable or chain breaks, it can whip off to the side when there is side tension on it, as there would be with two or more points of lift on a heavy item. Even if a single hoist point breaks, broken chain links can go flying. High tension means high energy breakages.
Yes, I have seen them break many times, and they fly upwards and sideways, not downwards, so how is that relevant to wearing a plastic hard hat?

Workers do need to get up high at times to fix things, attach things to the ceiling even if it is only lighting or power or heating & ventilation.
And when they do they rope off they area under where they are working and have signs reading "Workers overhead, do not enter."

Stacked / shelved items can fall over or topple while being stacked or unstacked.
Indeed, and an item weighing hundreds of pounds (this is a steel plant, remember?) falling from a shelf is no more affected by a plastic hat than one falling from a crane.

A worker can be bent over fixing something at knee level and a worker can drop a tool on them they were using at chest level.
And if you are bent over such that your head is below his chest, the hard hat is falling off of your head. And if he can lift it and drop it on you...

Keep trying to prove me wrong, because that is the whole point of a discussion; to prove that I know more than the other person and that the other person is wrong, even when I admit that I have not worked in that other person's field of expertise.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

50. Bouncing metal. Kneeling worker. Logic. But go ahead, be a hero, don't wear a hard hat

I wasn't trying to prove I knew more than you, just that you don't know everything and you can't imagine all failure modes. That's a big difference. I can't imagine all failure modes, but I know from experience that there are always more failure modes than even highly knowledgeable people can imagine.

Once again, you are fallaciously using the perfect to destroy the good. Just because a plastic hard hat won't stop every projectile or falling item does not mean it won't stop some. Just because items weighing hundreds of pounds are stacked or topple over or fall doesn't mean that items weighing ten pounds don't do the same things.

Since steel toe boots won't stop a ten ton block of metal falling from 30 feet, you shouldn't wear those either, by your fallacious logic.

Flying metal parts do slow down after a ricochet or two.

Regulations, such as OSHA hard hat regulations, have to be applied broadly and generally. That is the short answer as to why you had to wear hard hats under ten ton steel lifts, the question you posed in post 36, since the longer answers will never satisfy you. There is not enough time or money for government analysts to examine every plant and operation under all conditions to determine which ones can safely avoid using plastic hard hats to make it ever so slightly more convenient for some workers.

But you are so much wiser than me. You should not wear a hard hat.
I'm not as smart as you. I would wear a hard hat.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

41. Because your landing fold-over action may not be perfect and you might hit your head. Because you

Because you might badly exit the plane and hit your head on the way out.

Because another sky diver might drop something on you.
Some piece of metal or debris might follow you out of the plane and hit your head when your chute opens.

[hack89]

44. Two reasons

1. Bumpy ride in the plane may knock people around - they don't wear seatbelts
2. Mid air collisions with other jumpers.

[warmfeet]

23. #3 speaks to me quite loudly.

I love people but, sometimes just leave me the hell alone. I'm certain that this feeling has nothing to do with the fact that I am an extreme introvert. I love #3.

[lindysalsagal]

24. Some days youre the bug; some days youre the windshield.

Words to live by.

[Fritz Walter]

45. The last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?

Its asshole.

[Mr.Bill]

26. From Hunter S. Thompson:

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

[madokie]

27. 14 and 15

definitely got a laugh out of me. LOL

I'm guilty of 14 and I know for a fact that 15 works. I had an old school mate who would hit me up to borrow a few buck every time I'd see him in a bar, one night he asked if I had a couple bucks so I gave it to him and to this day, 40 or so years later I still haven't seen him again. Best two dollars I ever spent

Had a neighbor who would always want to borrow a tool and me being me, a person who doesn't borrow or loan tools. the last time he wanted to borrow something was a 100 ft extension cord so I just so happened to have a light weight cord that I used to power Christmas lights with, (18 gauge,) so I loaned it to him and I've yet to see him again nor see my worthless extension cord either. LOL I think I paid less that 10 bucks for the extension cord and had used it for many years so I figured it was a good riddance, both to him and the cord LOL

[Throck]

28. Printing and posting on my wall tomorrow.

[Snackshack]

29. 9, 10.

Awesome.

Another place with wonderful de-motivational pearls of wisdom...

despair.com

[rpannier]

30. I like 15

[jimlup]

31. #20 I'd put on a T-shirt

thanks for the laughs

[nolabear]

32. Some days you gets the bear; some days the bear gets you.

Via my sainted grandmother.

[Samantha]

33. I loved these

Thank you so much for posting.

Sam

[workinclasszero]

37. Thanks for the laughs

It's greatly appreciated.

[Blue_Roses]

38. love this!

[Iggo]

42. Kick.

[mitch96]

43. I always liked Carlins line...

"never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience"
m

[yortsed snacilbuper]

49. k%R