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Wed May 31, 2017, 01:42 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Minis #3: The Wizards Of Covfefe Edition

Last edited Wed May 31, 2017, 07:05 PM - Edit history (2)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Minis #3: The Wizards Of Covfefe Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Is there any advertisement on the radio that isn’t about cars? I swear to the highest of gods – every single ad on the radio is for car companies, or car insurance, or car parts, or oil changes, or car repairs, or accident attorneys, I could go on and on! I mean it’s crazy. And it’s all the same ads too. How many times do I need to hear about BMW making “the most innovative car in its’ class”? And it’s the 7 series – a car that very few of us could afford in the first place! And then after that – it’s one of my favorite punching bags – pay day loan vendors, who as John Oliver have pointed out – are some of the biggest vultures on the planet. They’re the Bain Capital of the poor people of America. Unless some of these car companies start sponsoring my show! Then by all means come in! Don’t be shy! Ah that’s enough of the intro. But first Stephen Colbert is back and he’s body slamming his arch enemies Gianforte style:

The Top 10 is still on hiatus this week, but you’re getting a taste, yes, a taste of what you can expect for the full edition when we return on June 7th. For this mini edition of the Top 10 we have just three items on it again. Last week we did a deep dive on Sean Hannity vs Seth Rich, and now he might be gone from Fox News because of it. But that’s not going to be the subject for this mini edition. The number one slot is going to be of course Donald Trump (1). So Trump last night put out a tweet that literally shut down the internet while people tried to figure out what it means. And there’s other madness that we’re going to tell you about. In the number 2 slot we’re going to play a new game called “Who’s The Snowflake”? Because there’s so much in the news of the snowflake, from Kathy Griffin’s stunt to the Alamo Drafthouse, white male SWJ snowflakes are losing their collective shit. So we’re going to see just who the real snowflakes are, Scooby Doo style! Ree hee hee hee! And in the number 3 slot, I’m normally a Ducks fan, but we have about the Nashville Predators and the incident with the catfish. I really think the NHL needs to do something about dead animals being thrown on the ice during games, but the sheer effort put in by this guy is pretty impressive. And the sheer stupidity from the Pittsburgh Police is also pretty impressive. So Pittsburgh Pengiuns – you just got catfished! Literally! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[font size="8"]Donald Trump Vs. Kathy Griffin[/font]

Donald Trump has had quite the eventful 48 hours since he got back from his World Deplorable Tour 2017 (by the way how great would it be if a band named their tour that?). first up, he had a tweet that literally shut down twitter with both liberals and conservatives trying to figure out – what the fuck did he mean by that? Let’s throw that tweet up there!

So what did he mean by that? Let’s explore further.

WASHINGTON — And on the 132nd day, just after midnight, President Donald Trump had at last delivered the nation to something approaching unity — in bewilderment, if nothing else.

The state of our union was … covfefe.

The trouble began, as it so often does, on Twitter, in the early minutes of Wednesday morning. Trump had something to say. Kind of.

"Despite the constant negative press covfefe," the tweet began, at 12:06 a.m., from @realDonaldTrump, the irrepressible internal monologue of his presidency.

And that was that.

A minute passed. Then another. Then five.

Surely he would delete the message.

So yeah Trump has since deleted the Tweet, but I have to say this exchange between the Wizards of Convfefe wins the internet:

But before we get into Kathy Griffin yesterday, we have to talk about the Trump Loot Crate for a minute. Yes this is a real thing! In case you're not #MAGA'ing it enough, for the low price of $70 a month, you can have a giant box of bullshit mailed to you every month!

If there’s one thing the Trump administration is really good at, it’s plunging headfirst into self-parody. Sean Spicer hiding in the bushes, the racist travel ban being repeatedly shot down because of how many times Trump confirmed that it’s a racist travel ban, and Pope Francis’ utter disgust for Trump would all be very funny if the administration weren’t still so terrifying, but Trump and his team may have just come up with one of their most ridiculous stunts yet.

It’s called the Big League Box, because Trump can’t handle the fact that people think he says “bigly.” It’s basically a subscription service like Birchbox or Loot Crate, but with Trump garbage instead of beauty products and Funko Pop! figures. As reported by The Cut, the box will provide subscribers with “a handpicked bundle of exclusive and vintage OFFICIAL Donald J. Trump merchandise delivered to your door.” The use of “vintage” there seems to imply that these boxes will include a bunch of unsold Trump merchandise from the campaign, with his team presumably clearing out a warehouse somewhere to make room for the Trump 2020 merchandise he’s probably stocking up on already.

I would have liked it better if they had called it the "Bigly Box". But then it got ugly when Kathy Griffin tweeted her latest photo shoot. I hate this story, I now hate Kathy Griffin, and I will say to her what I’ve said to literally every conservative since the election – fuck you! Yeah. You don’t go there, and I think this is one line both liberals and conservatives agree you don’t cross. But you know what? Trump isn’t going to need help dying, besides that he’s already dead on the inside. His maker is most likely going to be a heart attack, and you might want to get the Sad Hulk Music ready:

Honestly, after five months of this president, same.

The first five months of Donald Trump's presidency have been an absolute disaster for women, black people, brown people, gay people, trans people, people fleeing atrocities, people with depression, people with anxiety problems, people who enjoy nuanced discussions of politics, people who enjoy never even thinking about politics, people who have been to school, people who plan on going to school one day but haven't gotten around to it yet, people who hope the concept of "school" will continue to exist for the foreseeable future, and Sean Spicer.

And yet, despite the fact that this administration has sucked for pretty much everybody, it's possible that the person it has sucked most for is none other than Donald Trump himself. Okay, it's still been way worse for most of the people in the above groups, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been hard on Trump, a man who doesn't believe in exercise. In fact, if a new CNN report is to be believed (and it is, because it's a real news organization despite what both Donald Trump and Jeff Zucker say), Trump's hurricane of scandals has left him a broken man.

Well, not to rub salt on the wound or anything but this is what Kathy Griffin did, and man the deplorables are fuming but they must have forgotten all the violent death threats they made to Obama over the years. To that I say, eat a steaming bag of shit! OK thanks for playing!

Kathy Griffin wants Donald Trump's head ... but she wants it bloody and detached from his body.

The comedian posed for the gory shot during a photo session with famed photog Tyler Shields, who's known for edgy, shocking pics. We got the pic before the release.

During the photo shoot, Kathy joked that she and Tyler would need to move to Mexico once the pics got released, for fear they'd be thrown in prison.

Trump's critics have skewered him for inciting violence with his speech. Did Kathy do the same?

WTF was she thinking? We won’t post that here because we don’t want to encourage this sort of thing, but it did lead to Kathy Griffin getting dumped from the company that makes Squatty Potty, and by the way what is the moral code for the people who manufacture the Squatty Potty?

“We were shocked and disappointed to learn about the image Ms. Griffin shared today, it was deeply inappropriate and runs contrary to the core values our company stands for,” wrote CEO Bobby Edwards in a statement sent to Fox News. “In response, Squatty Potty has suspended its ad campaign featuring Ms. Griffin. We have acted swiftly and decisively to demonstrate our commitment to a culture of decency, civility, and tolerance.”

And her getting fired from CNN:

It's Kathy Griffin who's been cut off ... by CNN, because she was just fired by the network, which means she will not ring in 2018 with Anderson Cooper.

The network is reacting to the photo Kathy took, holding a bloody, beheaded image of Donald Trump. Her apology clearly wasn't enough for CNN.

As we reported, Anderson Cooper also lashed out at his former co-host and friend, saying, "For the record, I am appalled by the photo shoot Kathy Griffin took part in. It is clearly disgusting and completely inappropriate."

By the way, conservatives, we liberals don’t encourage this sort of thing either. So to that I say…

[font size="8"]Who’s The Snowflake?[/font]

So one of our favorite punching bags here at the Top 10 is the White Male Snowflake. You know conservatives love to call out liberals as “snowflakes” who need “safe spaces”. Well there’s no one who loves safe spaces than conservative white males. And these shining gems of humanity (sarcasm) have been complaining a hell of a lot about various things. Because, reasons. Everything from movie theaters to TV shows to advertisers has been under the scrutiny of the white male social justice warrior. Yes – one of our favorite punching bags here at the Top 10. So we’re going to debut a new game here called *cue reverb* “WHO’S THE SNOWFLAKE?????”. Behind door #1 – Star Trek! Did you know the inclusion of minorities of both race and gender is akin to white genocide? Neither did we!

So behind door number one, there’s the Alamo Drafthouse. By the way I suggest checking out their Facebook and Twitter feeds, they’re owning the trolls hard.

On Wednesday, Alamo Drafthouse Austin announced it would hold a women-only "Wonder Woman" screening when the movie debuts in June.

"Apologies, gentlemen, but we’re embracing our girl power and saying 'No Guys Allowed' for one special night at the Alamo Ritz," the movie theatre wrote. "And when we say 'Women (and People Who Identify As Women) Only,' we mean it. Everyone working at this screening — venue staff, projectionist, and culinary team — will be female."

Some people did not respond well to the announcement and perceived exclusion.

"Alamo Drafthouse, will there be a male only screening for Thor: Ragnarok or a special screening for IT that's only for those who identify as clowns?" one Facebook commenter wrote.

"We might actually have to steal that clown idea," the Alamo Drafthouse account responded. "Thanks Ryan!"

In fact, it seems that whoever is running the Austin Alamo Drafthouse Facebook account has a snappy response for critics across the board. Here's a sampling of how the theater is responding:


So who’s the snowflake in this case? Why it’s none other than the white male armchair commandos who railed on the Alamo Drafthouse. I may have to make a trip to see a movie at one sometime in the near future. Now behind door number two… Chuck Woolery. So I ask you again…

Chuck Woolery, the well-coiffed former Wheel of Fortune and Love Connection host, has recently complained that his right-wing views have prevented him from finding work in Hollywood. His foray, via Twitter, into the complex relationship between the European Jewish diaspora, German philosophy and the rise of socialism in 20th century Russia is unlikely to have Burbank's best producers rushing to their phones.

Woolery is no neophyte to the profitable business of attacking and riling liberals and Democrats, often with lines that could have been borrowed from Rush Limbaugh. For example, when telling FOXBusiness earlier in May that his politics stopped him getting work, he added his observation the “left is really operating on all German ideas instead of American ideas.” While this could be a reference to the moral philosophy of Enlightenment-era Immanuel Kant, it far more likely an allusion to Adolf Hitler.

Woolery has also made known his suspicion of Islam, tweeting last week in response to the suicide bombing in Manchester, England.

While he may no longer be a television mainstay, Woolery is the host of a short podcast, Blunt Force Truth, in which he uses his once-ubiquitous baritone to harangue the right’s favorite targets: “liberal nitwits,” “socialist” Europe and the Arab World. One recent segment, for example, involved a tortured joke about liberals and “rectal cranial infusion,” whatever that is. The New York Times, in a measured assessment, called him “a firebrand who takes particular delight in fricasseeing liberal celebrities.”


Wait, wait – we’re taking political advice from the guy who hosted this show?

So who’s the snowflake? Why it’s Chuck Woolery! Now behind door number 3, who else is a huge snowflake who needs their safe space? Why it’s Sean Hannity who – not only won’t let the Seth Rich murder go after his network retracted the story – he’s still trying to push it! And this just… WTF.

"To counteract these fascistic tactics, #StoptheScalpings has decided to fight fire with fire," the Media Equalizer story says. "As long as Media Matters continues to attack conservatives, we will return them the same kindness."

"We begin with Rachel Maddow who has been the biggest purveyor of lies and propaganda in the media today. Like Media Matters, we will now inform the public and the advertisers about who they are financing," it continues.

"While we prefer not to be involved in this type of effort, we need to be on equal footing. We will continue to announce the advertisers that finance these efforts and support these hosts who allow lies and conspiracy theories to permeate the airwaves." The Media Equalizer article includes contact info for companies that advertise on Maddow's show.

Hannity earlier this month said he opposed boycott efforts when conservatives tried a similar pressure campaign on late-night host Stephen Colbert.

Who’s the snowflake? Why it’s Sean Hannity! And that was it for this round of:

[font size="8"]Penguins Get Catfished[/font]

So we actually get to use the bear for this one, because really who else would do this to a catfish? Nashville Predators are the Trump fans of hockey. Prove me wrong, Predators fans! What it’s my show, if I want to talk trash about the hockey team that beat my hockey team, I’m allowed to do so, am I right? I mean what kind of country do we live in where that’s not a right? Oh yeah we live in Donald Trump’s America. So the Pittsburgh Penguins literally got catfished during game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals on Monday. Let’s roll the tape on it, and I’ll put a parental advisory warning on it in case you happen to be viewing if there’s any young children around.

Now let’s roll the tape:

Yeah and I and most of America and Canada were pretty disgusted by this. But the more you do a deep dive on this story, the weirder it gets. But first you might be asking “why?????”?.

The tradition takes inspiration from fans of the Detroit Red Wings, who have been throwing octopuses on the ice in the Motor City since the 1950s. The Red Wings’ tradition, colloquially known as the Legend of the Octopus, started in 1952 when a pair of brothers hurled an octopus on the ice during the team’s playoff run. The Wings went on to sweep the Maple Leafs and Canadiens to win the Stanley Cup, and fans have been doing it in support of them ever since.

When the Predators started playing in 1998, they obviously didn’t have any history like the Red Wings. Detroit was arguably the NHL’s premier franchise at the time, though, and with many people from the Midwest flocking to Nashville, it made the Wings a logical source of inspiration.

So someone decided in 2003 to toss a catfish on the ice, presumably thinking of the Red Wings, and even though the Predators didn’t go on to win the Stanley Cup that year, a tradition was born. Ever since, fans have kept doing it — even if it means tricking a local seafood seller and taping a gross, slimy 20-pound fish to your back in order to get past security. You might still get kicked out, though:

Yeah seriously… WTF? Now you might think we’re done, but here’s where it gets weird. This guy not only admitted it, but he put a hell of a lot of effort into this thing.

A criminal complaint released Tuesday morning in the Pittsburgh catfish tossing gave a brief summary of how the crime was committed but it omitted all the best details.

Jacob Waddell, a 36-year-old Tennessee man, fessed up to the cops that he threw the dead fish but the police report didn’t give the whole complicated story. Waddell went on Nashville radio station 104.5 The Zone on Tuesday afternoon to lay it all out. What follows is a timeline of Waddell’s journey to the fish toss.

Waddell first needed to acquire the catfish. He said he purchased it back home not because Pittsburgh fishmongers were refusing to sell them to Tennesseans but because he thought it would be more fitting to throw a Nashville catfish.

This created a problem for Waddell: How is he supposed to transport a rotting fish 600 miles to Pittsburgh? The solution was to put it on ice in a cooler and drench it cologne and body spray.

Wait wait wait… lets stop there! OK so this guy really thought this through. Which really begs the question “how much Axe Body Spray does it take to conceal the smell of a dead catfish”? I’m presuming a couple of bottles, because you also have to mask the smell of douchebag! Well, it gets weirder than that. Let’s continue.

The next issue was finding a way to sneak the fish into the arena. His initial plan, being from Tennessee, was to slip the fish down the leg of a cowboy boot.

“I tried putting it in my boot but the head was too damn big,” Waddell said. “No matter how much I ran it over with the truck, the head was too damn big.”

Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot to mention the part where he ran it over with his truck. In an attempt to make the fish a more manageable size, Waddell brought it over to his cousin Troy’s place. Troy filleted it and cut out half of the spine, which is why it looked so mangled on TV. Waddell also attempted to flatten the fish by running it over with his pickup truck, “so it’d fit down my crotch.”

When the boot scheme failed, Waddell decided to put the mutilated fish down the front of his pants.

WTF is wrong with this guy? This is the most Nashville story ever! I mean the sheer effort of this guy to sneak this catfish in, I have to say, is pretty damn impressive! Running over a catfish repeatedly and then stuffing it down your pants? That’s a “hold my beer and watch this” kind of psycho! Now here’s where it gets even weirder. So after the arrest here’s what the Pittsburgh Police had to say about it:

Jacob Waddell, a Nashville Predators fan who threw a catfish on the ice during Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final between the Predators and Pittsburgh Penguins, has been charged with "disorderly conduct, disrupting a meeting and possessing instruments of a crime," according to CBS Pittsburgh.

According to TMZ Sports, Waddell could be facing six years in prison if convicted on all charges.

Waddell threw the catfish on the ice at the 16:40 mark of the second period, causing play to be stopped as the fish was removed from the ice. He was promptly kicked out of the PPG Paints Arena.

First of all, PPG Paints Arena might be one of the worst stadium names in the country. It ranks right up there with the Mattress Firm Ampitheater, the Smoothie King Center, the KFC Yum! Center, and the Talking Stick Resort Arena. And guess what? We didn’t have to make any of those stadium names up – they’re all real! Thank you! But what constitutes as “disrupting a meeting”? Really? That’s the charge, Pittsburgh Police? But this isn’t the only weird thing being thrown on the ice.

While Penguins fans (so far) haven’t joined the trend of throwing anything weird on the ice (along with the Predators’ catfish and the Red Wings’ octopuses, other teams’ fans have thrown hamburgers and plastic rats), Pittsburgh fans have done at least one weird thing.

Last year, some fans got hold of an eight-foot replica of a hammerhead shark and strung it up from a crane before the team went on to win the Stanley Cup finals over the San Jose Sharks.

Trying for their second Stanley Cup win in a row, the Penguins again host the Predators for Game 2 on Wednesday night. Expect more catfish.

OK seriously NHL stop it, just stop it.

Top 10 Conservative Idiots returns June 7th! See you then!

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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots Minis #3: The Wizards Of Covfefe Edition (Original post)
Initech May 2017 OP
irisblue May 2017 #1
countingbluecars May 2017 #2

Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 02:05 PM

1. Kick

And the 🐙 , catfish throwing stuff on hockey ice is weird.

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 06:25 PM

2. K&R

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