Indiana Becomes Fourth State To Ban Great Sex

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the lead of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Georgia, the Indiana legislature Tuesday passed “HB 1679: Prohibiting Sexual Intercourse Of An Excessively Pleasurable Nature,” officially becoming the fourth state in the country to outlaw great sex. “Here in Indiana, we have long believed that sexual activity should be brief, unexceptional, and performed in the most perfunctory of ways, and the landmark legislation we sent to the governor today embodies the traditional values that are so deeply ingrained in this state,” said State Senator Mark Messmer in a morning news conference, explaining that any sexual relations in which the participants are mutually satisfied emotionally or physically would result in fines of up to $1,000, depending on how incredible the sex was. “By restricting sexual activity to seven minutes or less and banning all sexual positions within the state aside from the missionary position, this bold new law stands up for the passable, fairly mechanical sex that my fellow Hoosiers and I have long disinterestedly engaged in—and that we will continue to disinterestedly engage in, provided we do so no more than twice per calendar month, as per the legally mandated limit.” Messmer went on to say that he didn’t anticipate any negative effects from the ban as nearly every Indiana resident was already in compliance with the new law.

http://www.theonion.com/article/indiana-becomes-fourth-state-ban-great-sex-56175

[NightWatcher]

1. Who needs more than 7 minutes?

[TheDebbieDee]

12. My ex-husband only needed 3 minutes. TOPS!

Needless to say, he's my EX!

[pangaia]

26. WINNER !!!!!!!!

Or maybe rather.. LOSER!!

[Honeycombe8]

28. Same here! I actually showed him a magazine article that said it should take longer than 3 minutes!

So he would know I wasn't lying!

But then this was a guy whose gf he got after we split...the Christmas present he got her, that he told me she didn't seem happy with. He had gotten her a lint brush.

[Crunchy Frog]

14. The teen pregnancy rate would seem to suggest otherwise.

[Eugene]

3. Please don't give them ideas.

That article had me going for a minute.

[hunter]

4. Those who violate the law will be required to hang a large portrait of Mike Pence...

... in a prominent place in their bedroom as a condition of their probation, preferably on the ceiling above their bed.

wikipedia

[GallopingGhost]

22. Is he the Libido Killer? n/t

[hunter]

24. You have to ask?

Well done, well done...

[GallopingGhost]

31. Point taken.

It would be less uncomfortable to be watched by a Siamese with untrimmed claws and possessiveness issues.

[hunter]

37. Ahh... much like my crazy grandma's cat. I have scars.

No nursing home or "assisted living" place would tolerate my grandma for long so she'd end up back at my parent's house. (This was after grandma had to be removed from the home she owned as a danger to herself and others.)

Grandma's cat lived in grandma's room, whether grandma was there or not.

And cat would watch... If we closed the door she would peer in the windows. Close the blinds, she would peer through the gaps.

Privacy was impossible even when my grandma, my parents, and all my siblings were away.

[GallopingGhost]

38. Yikes. lol

Was it a Siamese? I'm afraid to ask but what happened to it? I am not a cat person.

[hunter]

39. Yep, Siamese, a real talker too.

She lived a long cat life, lord master of everyone in the house and protector of my grandma, who was the only person she ever displayed any affection for.

Our most unruly family dogs respected that cat, they'd back away and bow down whenever she'd come by to inspect their food or water dishes.

[GallopingGhost]

40. My mother had a Siamese when I was little.

Beautiful cat but mean as a snake.

[George II]

29. One look at that portrait - instant E.D.!

[ismnotwasm]

5. It took a moment to realize this was The Onion

In the meantime, I was once again relieved I live in Seattle.

[rurallib]

15. its not satire, just a few months early

[Beartracks]

19. So they don't do satire anymore? They do... predictive analysis?!

====================

[Wounded Bear]

6. Well, the bright side is...

limiting people to the missionary position would eliminate most forms of homosexual sex.

[PufPuf23]

7. The article omits the farm animal exemption. nt.

[keithbvadu2]

21. Frothy Santorum will amend it

[MrPurple]

35. The Santorum man on dog amendment

[YCHDT]

8. Should it be depressing that I thought this was a true article since it was Pence's former state?

[boston bean]

9. I thought we were making America Great Again... so much for that!

[ghostsinthemachine]

10. I LOL'd out loud!

[ProudLib72]

11. Does this mean corn is outlawed?

Mother will surely disapprove!

[left-of-center2012]

13. I never had great sex in Indiana

Now, California, I could write a book!

[hunter]

27. I have, the sorts of sex Pence fears...

[left-of-center2012]

30. I've been to Provincetown, Mass a few times

This was in the 1970's and there were always 6 or 8 of us,
mixed male and female, gay and straight.
If you know the town, we stayed at the campground.

Just sitting on the curb on Commercial Street, watching guys in leather and bondage walking down the street would cause Pence to curl up and die.

Good memories.

[ProudLib72]

33. P Town is awesome

I managed the youth hostel in Truro for a summer, so I know about P Town. Drag Cher on a motorized scooter. Bears with cock ring necklaces. Good stuff!

[left-of-center2012]

41. Yeah, I miss it

Now I'm 70 and living in Albuquerque.

[D_Master81]

16. As a resident

As a resident of the Hoosier state, consider me a habitual offender

[IronLionZion]

17. A conservative will be appointed to watch

and can stop the sex at any time if they see too much enjoyment.

[Matthew28]

18. Damn,

This country is becoming like Iran or Saudi Arabia more every day.

Stay out of my fucking business religious pieces of crap.

[Beartracks]

20. Don't worry, it's satire. (So far, anyway.) n/t

[keithbvadu2]

23. Trump brags about great sex

Trump's wife bragged about having lots of sex partners.

[MrPurple]

36. The post got this story in an exclusive scoop from John Barron

[DUar17]

32. LOL The Republicans are for smaller government.

[Xipe Totec]

34. You know, it took me a while to realize it was satire

It's too close to reality.

[niyad]

42. shhhh, Onion, don't give these hateful creeps any ideas