Hey folks, I'm a little tipsy, is shit still cray? Shit seems cray.
Last edited Thu Jul 13, 2017, 02:28 AM - Edit history (1)
Friends, when you wake up to the news that a giant iceberg the size of Delaware has broken off from mainland Antarctica to roam the oceans, see the world, maybe record a freak-folk album...you know that shit is still all kindsa cray.
Early this morning, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet tweeted out that nuh uh he doesn't watch the teevee all day, clearly responding to a story on cable news about how he watches cable news all day. Just in case you thought you weren't being governed by a nutty old coot who spends his time arguing with strangers he sees on the talkin' picture box.
The big story, of course, remains Skidmark Jr's Excellent Russian Collusion Adventure. Now, Junior's actions are completely indefensible, but godDAMN it's hilarious watching the gleeful collaborators on the right tie themselves in knots looking to excuse them.
Dad praised his boy's "transparency," in coming clean after lying for an entire fucking year, and specifically after two rounds of bullshit statements got debunked by the media just in the last weekend. Speaking only for myself, when I think of the heroic transparency of a dude that's been totally nailed to the wall and has no other alternatives, I get misty-eyed. It's like that prelude scene in UP, only instead of watching people fall in love and grow old together, it's the hideously corrupt family in charge of our government concocting ever less plausible excuses for their treasonous lawbreaking.
It's very moving, is what I'm saying.
Anyhow, Bloat Jr went searching for the softest interview possible. Word is, he was offered Nick News, but got worried they'd be too tough, so he settled on Hannity. Like a good little foot soldier, Sean lobbed a few softballs and declared the entire crook family fully vindicated forever, so I guess that story's over now. Just when it was getting good. Dang.
Even so, the Wall Street Journal tells us that the IC recorded conversations among Russian officials about Drumpf associates as early as 2015, which they're now leisurely flipping through, just for old time's sake, I bet. Just a little light scrapbooking.
Fox News Talking Haircut Jesse Watters suggested Kid Shart is the victim in all this, because literally the best anyone can come up with is that this 39-year-old man has the mental competence of a half-eaten cronut. Sources tell me Junior plans to appear before Mueller wearing a shirt that reads "2 Dumb 2 Collude," with his legal team will donning hats that say "I'm with stupid, also MAGA."
Shit, even Gowdy Doody finds himself "troubled" at the ever-expanding scandal! Not troubled enough to give his God Emperor the tiniest fraction of the Benghazi treatment, even to the tune of conducting the slightest bit of investigation, but troubled I tell you...TROUBLED!
Meanwhile every news outlet on the planet published an article about how everyone in the Shart House is screaming and throwing poo at each other, citing eleventy-five anonymous sources apiece. Reince Priebus even set up a bear trap outside Stephen Miller's office, using some Hair Club For Men product as bait.
(In one particularly disturbing side note, one of these articles, NYT if I remember right, mentions that some of these fucks suggested digging through the published history of the various journalists reporting on the Russia scandal, looking for mistakes and retractions to leak to friendly outlets in order to discredit them. Won't do a damn bit of good in the current situation because Junior released his own e-mails, but I don't think we should be surprised that these scumfucks will sink to any depths to cover their asses.)
Oh, and by the way, it's being reported that the initial statement Junior issued in response to the NYT story, y'know, the one that turned out to be total horseshit, was written by SCROTUS' staff and signed off on by Daddy himself. So yeah, that's a fat slice of cover-up with obstruction-of-justice frosting, and I'm trying to lose weight, but gimmie some of that. Unh.
Now, speaking of the shitpile Junior stepped in, wouldja believe that the lawyer he took Manafort and Jar-Jar to meet, Natalia Veselnitskaya, represents the family of a Russian oligarch who the Justice Department was investigating for money laundering on a fairly significant scale...at least until, two days before the scheduled trial, Jeff Sessions' DOJ suddenly decided to offer them an almost-too-good-to-be-true settlement. They admit no guilt, pay a slap-on-the-wrist fine, and go on doing whatever it is oligarchs do (Whittling? I honestly don't know). I swear, if this was a John Grisham novel, he'd have cut this bit because it's just too over the top.
I'm sure all of this is mere coincidence. So let's move on.
Today we learned that the State Department dropped fifteen grand at one of Il Douche's hotels, because while this administration recklessly blunders through seemingly all matters of policy, their grift game is ON FLEEK.
Speaking of Shart-o the Clown's hotels, I guess a bunch of guests' credit card numbers got hacked. Y'know what? Good. If you're still willing to give these bastards your business at this point, you deserve a bit of hassle. Fuck you.
I guess Morning Joe threw a little party for himself for being Principled and Brave and Special for finally, FINALLY quitting the GOP today, because while decades of sexism and racism were totes cool with Joe, being personally threatened by White House staff is apparently a bridge too far. They'll sing songs of this day for generations, I'm sure.
Chris Wray had his confirmation hearing in the Senate this morning. He was asked stuff like "Hey, how do you feel about campaigns collaborating with foreign adversaries?" and "Did SCROTUS make you pledge eternal loyalty before appointing you to head the FBI?" because these are the sorts of things we apparently need to know now, fucking hell.
Steve King, still seething that his scenes got cut from MISSISSIPPI BURNING, spewed some crap from the tooth-lined rectum he has instead of a mouth, about paying for the Big Dumb Wall with all the dirty Planned Parenthood whorebortion money. Because he's Steve King, and popping up every few weeks to say something disgusting is his job, or his hobby, or probably both.
Representative Brad Sherman filed Articles of Impeachment today, for Obstruction of Justice. Me, I say he should tack some tax cuts onto that bad boy, get some bipartisan support.
Betsy DeVos has some CONCERNS, y'all. She's worried about campus rape...as in, she's worried there might not be enough of it. Yep, the DeVostater is toying with rolling back some Obama-era federal guidelines designed to protect victims and accusers. She's meeting with Men's Rights Activists, who I guess feel empowered to crawl out of their moms' basements when they landed appointments with Cabinet officials...yay.
On top of that, Candice Jackson, acting assistant secretary for civil rights under DeVos, wrote an article claiming that a full 90% of campus sexual assault accusations were from drunken sluts who decided the dude they bonked wasn't hot enough the morning after or some shit, citing the prestigious Republican research firm of Shit I Want to Be True and Don't Care if it Isn't Also Joke's on You Cuz Right Wing Twitter Will Quote This as Gospel Now Just Cuz I Said It.
Oh, and the White House attacked the Congressional Budget office, releasing a video claiming the CBO scores of the recent House and Senate Plebe-Harvesting, excuse me, "health care" bills were inaccurate. The video misspelled the word "inaccurately," because of course it did.
President Shartcannon granted his first non-Fux Nooz interview in months to Withered Hate Raisin Pat Robertson. Hunched in his chair like a petulant grade-schooler in detention, Drumpf opined that the entire American intelligence community was wrong about Russia doing him an electoral solid, and that Uncle Vlad preferred Hilldawg anyhow because Drumpfy is a such a fearsome, widely-respected, certainly-not-mocked-all-around-the-globe fellow.
The Shart also took time to weigh in on last week's G-20 summit. "We had 20 countries," he proclaimed, beaming with self-regard. As embarrassing as that seems at first glance, let me remind everyone that one of the 20 economies in the G-20 is the European Union, so he's even fucking wrong about that. Can an entire nation feel shame?
Oh, and speaking of Faux Christians, a bunch of Evangelical "Pastors" took a grotesque pic in the Oval, laying hands on the Great Orange Pussy-Grabbing Lump and "praying." Reached for comment, Jesus said, "THOSE assholes?" threw up two middle fingers, made some fart noises, and rollerbladed away.
Anyhow, La Grande Sharte is off to Paris soon, a city which has, per the Associated Press, lost the esteem of his imaginary friend, Jim. God, I wish I was joking about any of this.
So I guess the House Appropriations committee introduced a funding bill that includes some cash for Shartboy's precious Big Dumb Wall. Now, this money has a snowball-in-Jim-Inhofe's-living-room's chance of ever finding its way into the final bill, but Donnie took immediately to Twitter for a victory lap, demonstrating once and for all that he lacks a third grader's understanding of the legislative process. Word is the Idiot Manchild President may be on board with a strategy of shutting down the government over the wall that the American people overwhelmingly don't want, I guess cuz he's worried his approval ratings are too high.
Ok. Well, it's late, and I'm at a bar, and I guess Kid Rock is running for the Senate? Fuck it, I can't cap this shit off with anything better than that. This post probably has more spelling and grammar errors than usual. You're welcome to fucking sue me.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Well, maybe a couple of spelling ones, but they don't count.
I get what you're saying and as usual, it's fucking hilarious!
Thank you.
Response to TheFerret (Original post)
Wouldn't it be ironic if she turned out to have a wicked sense of humor and a pottymouth?
I am soooooo glad you planted that idea in my head.
Don't know about the pottymouth, but she seems to have a pretty good sense of humor and wouldn't surprise me at all if it was a bit wicked and twisted. Lord, with the shit she's had to put up with over the past several decades, how could mentally survive without it?
But, that's no reason to let this masterpiece of drunken wisdom sink too soon... It has to last until at least Bastille Day.
Good to hear from you, TF. Take care and keep them coming! 
Not suspected to believe anyone but you, TheFerret, for my prime news source.
Shart House, indeed.
Shout out to the spelling and grammar police.
♡lmsp
"Prestigious Republican research firm of Shit I Want to Be True and Don't Care if it Isn't Also Joke's on You Cuz Right Wing Twitter Will Quote This as Gospel Now Just Cuz I Said It. "
Thanks again! 
Brilliant.
Another huge thanks for the dose of hilarity. I cannot deal with this shit storm without it.
Great stuff.
