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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region Forums30 years later, it's finally ocurring to me that I was raped.
And I'm at a total loss about how to cope with it.
About 30 years ago, I was a young girl, about 22, just out of college and was working for a wine tasting company. I was at a company event, and of course everyone was drinking wine. I wasn't drinking much since it was a work event. The regional manager was in town (I was local) and sat next to me most of the evening. Everyone was having a good time but about 2-3 hours into it, that's where my memory ends. Just dead stops.
I woke up the next morning in his hotel room, completely disoriented. He was gone. I was so out if it I got lost on my way home. I was sick for about 2 days. I.remebered.nothing. At all.
He came into town a few weeks later and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant. I went, mainly because the work situation had become unbearable. I felt so much guilt and shame. Since I had no memory of what happened, I had no idea what my coworkers had seen or what had even happened. I wanted to make sure he knew that this type of behavior was completely outside of the way I conduct myself (I was a virgin until I was 20...I did NOT do casual sex) and that I had no attraction to him at all.
He kept asking me if I remembered anything. At the time, I thought he was upset by that, but now I think he was making sure I didn't.
30 years ago, date rape drugs weren't even heard of. I have no idea if that's what happened, but I do know 2 things. I wasn't nearly that drunk and I did not consent.
I'm not sure how to deal with this. I've been thinking about it for days, out of the blue, and my heart starts racing every time I do. And I have no idea why this is just hitting me now or how to process this.
So yeah. Me too I think.
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MineralMan
(146,288 posts)Sadly, far too many women have similar stories to tell.
B2G
(9,766 posts)I was too ashamed. It was my fault. I put myself in that position. I'm a slut.
I feel like I'm sort of losing my shit right now.
MineralMan
(146,288 posts)It's none of your fault. Not in any way.
I hope he has paid for his actions in some way. Some unpleasant way.
B2G
(9,766 posts)Non of my coworkers directly said anything about him, but I got the impression I wasn't the first one, or probably the last.
Things were very different back then. Date rape drugs were unheard of. This type of situation wasn't defined as rape, it was a stupid young girl who got what she deserved for 'drinking too much'.
It was a different world back then.
MineralMan
(146,288 posts)consequences for the person who committed the crime. It's still going on, though, on a daily basis, and most victims still don't see their attackers punished.
It was rape then and it's rape now. There should be swift, sure punishment for people who would do such a thing. It's a black mark on our society that such criminal acts go unpunished.
sarah FAILIN
(2,857 posts)I know this because someone I was biologically related to used it to rob people with and killed one. I've never forgotten the name of it and it was readily available back then. People used it for nausea. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but you were probably lucky you didn't die.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/shortcuts/2015/sep/02/devils-breath-aka-scopolamine-can-it-really-zombify-you
WhiskeyGrinder
(22,336 posts)The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline may be able to help you if you need someone to talk right now:
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
800-656-HOPE.
Otherwise, if you feel like you have some bandwidth, I would encourage you to find a therapist who has been trained and has a long history of working with people who have been assaulted.
B2G
(9,766 posts)I just can't imagine therapy at this point. I'd feel like an idiot after 30 years.
renate
(13,776 posts)Edited to add: I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were the OP, I thought you were criticizing her/yourself.
Why would you feel like an idiot? It's certainly not unusual to suppress memories of things like this--I guarantee you that any therapist who specializes in PTSD or sexual assault recovery has heard this before.
I'm so sorry you went through that when you were young, and so sorry you're dealing with this now. 
WhiskeyGrinder
(22,336 posts)Your story is a common one. Talking to a therapist isn't like talking to the cops or a judge. They're not looking for proof or evidence. A therapist will listen to your experience and help you get through talking about it and give you steps on how to not let it rule your life. Your experience is your truth. You need to learn how to carry it with you.
yardwork
(61,604 posts)What you describe is a very traumatic experience. Please be good to yourself. You have done nothing wrong.
fleur-de-lisa
(14,624 posts)A female would be best. A friend, a family member, someone you know will believe you.
If you don't think therapy is right for you, you have to talk it out with someone you love and trust. And you will cry. Talk, talk, talk. Cry as much as you need to. It won't erase the memory, but it will help you deal with it.
I was given a date rape drug about 7 years ago when I walked to a local club 3 blocks from my house. I only had 2 drinks, spaced out over an hour, and then started felling really dizzy and spacey.
I had been prescribed gamma-hydrobutyrate (GHB) for severe sleep issues a few years earlier, but couldn't keep taking it because it caused migraines. So I recognized the symptoms immediately. It's a miracle that I got out of the club and staggered home without being attacked. A doctor lived in the apartment below me and found me passed out in the courtyard we shared. He thought I was drunk. He got me into my apartment where I alternated between vomiting and shaking uncontrollably for about 4 hours until I puked it out of my system. I reported it to the police the next morning, but I had no idea who put it in my drink. I don't think the cops believed me.
Afterwards, I talked to a close female co-worker about it for hours. I researched home-made date rape drugs obsessively for days. And I cried on and off for weeks.
What you experienced was far worse. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please don't think that, because it happened 30 years ago, that you shouldn't feel traumatized. You have every right to feel violated.
And you need to talk about it.
B2G
(9,766 posts)Maybe posting here is the first step.
I have 2 amazing daughters in their 20's. I will most likely talk with them soon. They'll be there for me. And they'll know why mom is such and obsessive freak about their safety in this area.
fleur-de-lisa
(14,624 posts) 
JustABozoOnThisBus
(23,339 posts)... would seem to indicate that therapy would still be relevant, helpful.
nolabear
(41,960 posts)I'm really sad to have to say his but it's there, and has been there, forever. You won't be looked down on or ridiculed or thought less of. Don't imagine similar things haven't happened to many, many women, therapists included, years ago and recently as well. We talk to one another about our experiences so we can get enough remove to truly hear our patients and not make assumptions that come from us and not them. We typically have or have had therapists as part of training so know how hard it is.
I'm not saying it's the only way. A starting point might be reading things written by well respected therapists who can help you gather your thoughts.
As I often say to my people, try not to confuse something that happened to you with something you did. Doesn't make you a "victim" and doesn't make you an accomplice to have been overwhelmed by someone who deceived, hurt and left a scar.
You're not alone. ❤️
Ms. Toad
(34,069 posts)Knew it at the time. Reported it to the police. Dealt with it. Recovered. Got on with my life.
Fast forward 20 years, nearly to the day, when a crude joke and a prison visit destroyed 20 years of recovery - when I realized the guy who raped me had been controlling my life for two decades - making me subconsciously pack on layers of fat to protect myself. I only realized it because I had then recently lost 60 lbs. I was pawing through my closet that morning and not finding anything I was comfortable wearing to the prison and it hit me like a ton of bricks that what I was looking for was something that would make me look fat when I visited inmates at the local prison.
Your mind and body protect you from things you are not yet ready to cope with. I apparently wasn't ready to cope with that bit of information for two decades - and I knew exactly what had happened. Your mind and body may, or may not, clue you in when you're ready. But no qualified therapist would bat an eyelash - and if they do, run the other direction becaseu they do not know what they are doing.
B2G
(9,766 posts)You have no idea how much this helps. xoxo
get the red out
(13,462 posts)It is a coping mechanism, a way to psychologically make it through something awful. It us nothing to feel idiotic about.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)You're just remembering it now. If you want to go to therapy. Therapy is just talking it through.
You have no idea how that may have affected your life, but you definitely know how it's affecting it now.
Any therapist will say therapy is good as soon as you feel you need it. It'll help you get through it faster and in a healthier way.
B2G
(9,766 posts)I just have this big gaping hole where I know something really bad happened.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)I was raped by a pedophile when I was six years old. I too blamed myself and thought I must have done something to make it happen.
You know what finally made me forgive myself? I imagined sitting across the table with my 6 year old self and knew in that instant that as the adult I am I would never blame that child in front of me. I felt as outraged over what happened to that six year old as I have ever felt about any other child. It was cathartic!
Try sitting across the table from your 22 year old self and have her tell you what she feels like. See if that doesn't change how you think about it.
Louis1895
(768 posts)You had a traumatic event happen to you. You have been repressing the memory of it all these years. Recent news has triggered the memory and age/wisdom has made you realize what happened was wrong. But it was not your fault and you are not an idiot.
To be honest, you are likely suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Please do seek out a competent therapist or call the hotline that was recommended.
I sense you are a strong person and will weather this fine in the long run. You have gotten this far. In the short-term, I think you need to talk this out with an experienced guide who can help through this period of dark memories.
Good luck!
csziggy
(34,136 posts)Most likely the news about Weinstein has brought back flashbacks for you. You need hep to learn how to deal with this. Please find someone with the proper qualifications to help you through this.
This is a lot to deal with so I hope you can find the help you need.
B2G
(9,766 posts)That and #metoo. It's all over my FB feed, friends and family who are posting. I've thought about it occasionally over the years, but in a very superficial way and immediately pushed it out of my head. I've never been one to dwell on the past, only the present.
csziggy
(34,136 posts)And you need to deal with it. Even if you will never have a clear memory of what happened, you need to learn how to handle the feelings that are surfacing about the incident now.
Good luck with this - it cannot be easy.
B2G
(9,766 posts)Raven
(13,891 posts)with or without the drug. It sounds like you were drugged. My experience is that it is shocking when it all comes back.
B2G
(9,766 posts)I probably had drank the equivalent of a half a bottle of wine when everything just stopped.
And I have never felt like I did the next morning. It wasn't a hangover. I've had plenty of those. This was completely different.
What's weird is that it never even occurred to me that I might have been drugged until a few days ago, and I've been warning my daughters about this for years.
Raven
(13,891 posts)what happened to me. The difference is that there was no drinking or drugs in my case so when the memories came back, I was sure that they were real. In your case, there is a black hole. I would see a professional if I were you...if only to clarify and confirm your memory and to try to put it into perspective. At all cost, don't let this guy poison your life.
nolabear
(41,960 posts)That song was written in the forties, and she's wondering if something was slipped into her drink.
It happened.
Demsrule86
(68,565 posts)B2G
(9,766 posts)Back then I had never heard of them.
And even if I had, it probably wouldn't have occurred to me that I might be at risk from a high level manager at a work event.
B2G
(9,766 posts)I took that to mean I should have known it was possible and that I shouldn't have left my drink unattended.
You might not have meant it that way, but that's how it seemed to me. But then I'm hypersensitive about this.
Stonepounder
(4,033 posts)This was in NO way your fault! And you have every right to be upset about it whether it happened yesterday or 20 years ago.
This was as much 'forcible' as if he had overpowered you, dragged you physically into a room and violated you. Suppose someone broke into you home. Would it in any way be your fault because you didn't put stronger locks on your door? Because you didn't have unbreakable windows? And what happened to you even if did leave your drink 'unattended' is NOT your fault! You don't wear a football helmet to a social event because someone might decide to take a swing at you and you shouldn't have to guard your drink.
B2G
(9,766 posts)But I loved reading that. Thank you so much.
Demsrule86
(68,565 posts)about it...it is never your fault...the victim's fault. A close family member of mine had this happen ...a pregnancy ensued and an abortion...it is horrible thing. Sorry I wasn't clear. I hope you still don't suffer from this...it can have long term effects.
Cracklin Charlie
(12,904 posts)Happened to me twice. In my case, I was "slipped a Mickey" on two separate occasions, by two different guys.
I am certain, in one case, that nothing sexual happened, and I am fairly certain that I was not physically harmed.
I am old now, was young then. Most kids that I knew back then, except me, did drugs for fun. The second guy was a friend, who actually told me later he just wanted to be the one that was with me when I had my first "drug experience". Ugh.
Never saw either of them again.
safeinOhio
(32,675 posts)Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms)
Memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. For example:
You may have nightmares.
You may feel like you are going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
You may see, hear, or smell something that causes you to relive the event. This is called a trigger. News reports, seeing an accident, or hearing a car backfire are examples of triggers.
Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example:
You may avoid crowds, because they feel dangerous.
You may avoid driving if you were in a car accident or if your military convoy was bombed.
If you were in an earthquake, you may avoid watching movies about earthquakes.
You may keep very busy or avoid seeking help because it keeps you from having to think or talk about the event.
Negative changes in beliefs and feelings
The way you think about yourself and others changes because of the trauma. This symptom has many aspects, including the following:
You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
You may think the world is completely dangerous, and no one can be trusted.
Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal)
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. You might suddenly become angry or irritable. This is known as hyperarousal. For example:
You may have a hard time sleeping.
You may have trouble concentrating.
You may be startled by a loud noise or surprise.
You might want to have your back to a wall in a restaurant or waiting room.
Doreen
(11,686 posts)Between birth and 3 and a half before being adopted, by my father for several years ( beaten also, ) by a neighbor, and an attempted violent rape. I was in a horrible accident that caused me to be physically disabled. Except for having a fear of driving past semi trucks I have not had any of those symptoms. The only other thing I can think of that might had been PTSD was that when I was a young adult I slept around a lot or maybe I was just a slut. That is one thing that I am unsure about even though my ex said it is because of the abuse....I do not know. The list you give however does not fit me. I wonder if I just moved on and managed to get out of having PTSD. MY mother keeps trying to tell me that I have it but....like I said I do not know. I have ADHD and learning disability and anger management issues ( which I am not sure if that is learned or from my accident or possibly both. ) My mother keeps telling me to go get diagnosed to see if I do or not. I guess it is because I do not see it but other might. Like I said I don't know or know what to think.
safeinOhio
(32,675 posts)ADD or PTSD until I was in my 40s, some 27 years ago. Explained a lot about me. Lucky to find a great shrink.
Doreen
(11,686 posts)Of course I was on Ritalin for years. They tried Dilantine first but I broke out into hives and my eyes rolled back.
safeinOhio
(32,675 posts)in Psychology. Worked better than pills for me.
Doreen
(11,686 posts)Unfortunately there was no way I could have done the classes required because of my learning disability. I used to have people tell me that my ADHD was not an excuse but most people do not seem to understand that ADHD and learning disability are separate issues. My boyfriend has ADHD and in no way is learning disabled.
lunasun
(21,646 posts)Also isn't your experience like the Bill Cosby stories ?
When I say they were unheard of, I meant that they weren't even close to being widely discussed. I certainly hadn't heard of them.
lunasun
(21,646 posts)woman)and didn't want her at a party.
A friend of mine had pcp or acid put in her drink at a party . She had never done drugs
There are a lot of sick people out there using drugs for cruel jokes like that, but to sexual predators they have long been a common tool. If you were not aware of the drugs back then, I can understand your confusion when this happened and not realizing what it was(a drugged kidnapping and rape).
Your drug was probably rohfies which is the link above . It's crushed and easily dissolves in a drink. You may have acted drunk for awhile but then it paralyzes after that like an anesthesiologist would administer for surgery so you don't move around. You would have been completely unaware of what was going on and couldn't even reflexively fight back.
What a sick fucker
samnsara
(17,622 posts)...so sorry that happened to you. Rape Crisis Hotlines can help but nothing is as sweet as revenge
B2G
(9,766 posts)He would be in his 70s by now. He was a lot older than me.
Hopefully he's dead.
Demsrule86
(68,565 posts)Demsrule86
(68,565 posts)time they went after the victim even more viciously than they do now...my Mom's friend was raped standing outside of a bar...she was a virgin...they said she shouldn't have been at a bar. Again sorry for the misunderstanding...this is in no way your fault...it is the f'ing rapist's fault....may he burn in hell.
B2G
(9,766 posts)My heart is the problem. My default position is to blame myself. xoxo
Demsrule86
(68,565 posts)B2G
(9,766 posts)me to believe that.
I can't thank you enough. xoxo
janterry
(4,429 posts)it often happens when it's safe to remember. You're at a place in your life when it's possible to begin to think about this.
Here are some do's about trauma. First, work on understanding that you are safe. When you feel jittery, it's your mind pulling you back into the trauma. You want to be clear, with your psyche, that you are in the here and now. You are safe now. That will NEVER happen again. Do you understand that? That incident had a beginning, middle and an end. It's over.
That's important. Life is full of ups and downs, and other bad things might happen to us all. Even something similar. But THAT incident, that night, that trauma, is OVER. You need to work on your body and your mind - to feel calm right now. First up is your body: Practice grounding yourself. Look around your room and see where you are. This isn't an emotional exercise, it's a physical one. Can you feel the floor? Stamp your foot a bit! Feel the chair you are sitting in, the arm rests, the table/desk. Listen to what is around you - the cars, a clock, people talking, a radio. LISTEN.
Once you work on that a bit, you can create enough distance to look at the memory (if you choose) and still be in the present moment.
Raven
(13,891 posts)chowder66
(9,067 posts)
-Steph-
(409 posts)I'm so sorry that happened to you. I remember watching a movie, based on a true story, where something very similar happened. A man was slipping things into females drinks, and he got away with it for a long time because the women would wake up next to him and although they were disoriented and couldn't remember anything, they would ultimately end up passing it off as just having been too drunk to remember sleeping with him or etc. One woman did end up remembering bits and pieces of what happened and she went to the police. When the story broke in the news, other women started coming out of the woodwork realizing only then, that they had been drugged and raped by him too.
I wouldn't be surprised if the person who did this to you has other victims who probably also don't realize they were raped. I am so very sorry that you've had to go through this. It's not your fault and you are not alone.
trueblue2007
(17,217 posts)
Tbear
(487 posts)I love your courage and honesty. A qualified counselor can help, and then maybe you can help others. Ignore the shame message.
B2G
(9,766 posts)
pnwmom
(108,977 posts)and if you want they might help you decide who else to tell or any other step to take.
I called once because I felt burdened by someone else's secret, and they helped me with that, too (without betraying the other person).
https://www.rainn.org
donotpissoffacow
(91 posts)...about the good ol' days when a male boss, coworkers or just men walking down the street could pat you on the behind, comment on the size of your breasts, casually drop by your house, offer promotions for sex, tell loud crude jokes and on, and on, and on. The thing is that women could only sigh and think "oh no, not again" and keep a chain on the door, blocks on the windows and never be caught alone at the office...or anywhere else. Women were not shocked, could not complain (who to...the male HR manager?) and accepted the hazards of entering public life.
Dear B2G, believe me that you did not invite, participate, want or ask for what happened to you. I cannot think of enough curses for that evil man, otherwise I would stone him to death with words. I can say talk therapy is a great way to rewire your brain so that you realize you were physically wounded but you have healed. In reality, not in your mind, it was no more than a nasty skiing or car accident. Would you blame yourself it a drunk ran into you? NO.
RAPE IS NOT ABOUT SEX, IT IS ABOUT POWER. Males have used rape as a power play since before we walked upright. It's nothing more than an act of dominance performed when male hormones overcome social stigma. Doesn't really matter if it's in the office or the war. Rape is a weapon meant to demonstrate male supremacy over females and other males, present or not. A rampant male believes he owns the right to genetic immortality. It's women who know better. You know better.
B2G
(9,766 posts)Yeah, but if I hadn't drank at all. If I had seen him for what he really was. If I had known about date rape drugs. If I hadn't gone at all.
None of this would have happened.
The more I think about it, the more I am realizing how it's impacted my life since. I cannot lose control...I absolutely cannot drink more that one or two drinks when I'm with my family or friends. I hate seeing other people drunk...it totally disgusts me and makes me feel panicky. I am a total control freak. I haven't really enjoyed sex since then. I have a tremendously hard time trusting people I haven't known for years.
I have some work to do.
donotpissoffacow
(91 posts)you have already started the work and we know you are strong. You made it this far. It's only a little further. You go girl.
B2G
(9,766 posts) 
lostnfound
(16,178 posts)She believes she has never been able to trust men enough to stay in a relationship
She started having flashbacks and faint memories of a type of assault, from when she was a preteen, by her then-young uncle and another boy.
She confronted the uncle and he admitted it all..
She did artwork, talked to a therapist.
He apologized and he created something he gave her that he thought she would like. A collection of memories that showed respect for who she was. He knows what he did was wrong.
Since then, she has been known to include him in holiday meals anyway. He did not take away her ability to choose to forgive.
She has healed, from the therapy and the art and the confirmation that it happened, that it was wasn't her mind playing tricks.
It can affect you deeply for decades. Bringing it out might seem like a waste of time, but it is part of a journey of healing the soul.
Doreen
(11,686 posts)Remember however and always it is not your fault. Never was and never will be.
RandomAccess
(5,210 posts)the overwhelming impression I get is what an incredibly strong, brave, resilient, and powerful woman you are.
I hope you will get professional help to get you steered through this, and complete the journey to the fully realized victor I know you are.
Tatiana
(14,167 posts)If at all possible, please try to find a therapist. You may have repressed some memory of the event.
There could be things in the news or in your life experience that could serve as triggers. It is best to handle difficult memories in a controlled, safe, and therapeutic environment (which a good therapist can offer).
It shocks the conscience how much women have to suffer just in living everyday lives.
hamsterjill
(15,220 posts)You were taken advantage of completely and it is in no way your fault. You were drugged and helpless and some monster manipulated that situation to his advantage.
I’m curious if you’ve ever considered confronting the bastard? Would that possibly help in any way?
demorris13
(1 post)If you see this post please reply. I’m in the middle of dealing with this.
RussBLib
(9,008 posts)By the way, you will not get a reply from B2G. That thread was from 2017, and B2G is no longer a User on this system.
IncognitoBride
(1 post)I wasn't expecting to find anything recent on a thread this old but saw your post from a few days ago and thought I would reach out. I just came here hoping to read about similar experiences. I recently started remembering something that happened to me in the mid-90s and haven't talked about it with anyone - when it happened or since the recent remembering. I had never heard of roofies or anything at the time and remember being so confused at the time as to how I lost two days after only having a couple of drinks. I have snippets of memories of "coming to" several times while having sex. I don't know if I consented to the first time but I remembered thinking "again? No, it hurts. I'm dry, it's too painful" several times and feeling very dizzy and out of it. I don't know if I asked him to stop. I don't know much of anything. The memories were vague then and now, but I'm now convinced I was drugged and raped multiple times over the course of that weekend but I have no idea what to do with any of this.
GP6971
(31,149 posts)I hope you find support here.