Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

[riversedge]

Lots of Truth in satire.






Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons


https://www.theonion.com/fall-canceled-after-3-billion-seasons-1819569446






11/07/07 12:00amSEE MORE: patriotism

WASHINGTON, DC—Fall, the long- running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled earlier this week after nearly 3 billion seasons on Earth, sources reported Tuesday.

The classic period of the year, which once occupied a coveted slot between summer and winter, will be replaced by new, stifling humidity levels, near- constant sunshine, and almost no precipitation for months.

"As much as we'd like to see it stay, fall will not be returning for another season," National Weather Service president John Hayes announced during a muggy press conference Nov. 6. "Fall had a great run, but sadly, times have changed."

Said Hayes: "Frankly, we're amazed it lasted as long as it did."

Though it came as a surprise to many, the cancellation was not without its share of warning signs. In recent years, fall had been reduced from three months to a meager two-week stint, and its scheduled start time had been pushed back later and later each year. Still, many Americans continued to hold out hope that it would make a last-minute comeback.

[ExciteBike66]

1. As we say here in Florida: "Welcome to Florida!" nt

[oasis]

2. Autumn has hit bottom.

[Historic NY]

3. YUp just a few years back we have Snowtober

26.1 inches of snow. The season for shorts continues.

[Achilleaze]

4. Thanks a fart-load, republicans

Your damn republican lies about climate change are dangerous for America and Americans.

Tell the truth. Life really is better that way.

[ProfessorGAC]

5. Well, It's Fall Here Now

But, it sure took an unusually long time. It's been 40's here the last couple days, but it was high 70's last Saturday.

Didn't turn heat on until late yesterday afternoon, since it got down into high 30's overnight.

First time heat has been on since early April, and it's October 25th.

[Ilsa]

6. Our maples are turning from green to red,

Then brown. We had very little yellow, gold, orange this fall in October. I hope some of the other trees will change more gradually, but it's been awful.

But, if you are slaving away, you don't have time to look at trees, right? So they might as well bulldoze the national parks.

[Vinca]

7. There's more truth to this than humor. I'm in a place where the garden used to be history

by September 30. Then it moved to October 15. I just looked at the extended forecast and if I cover the tender plants on Halloween night, we're good until November 8. Bizarre.

[ucrdem]

8. October gave a party, the leaves by hundreds came . . .

except this year they stayed put.

[ChoppinBroccoli]

9. I Remember When We Used To Have 4 Seasons Here In Ohio

Now there are only 2. Winter starts at the end of October (it usually snows on or near Halloween) and runs through the end of April, then we get a one-week transition into Summer, which starts in early May and runs through early October. There is no Spring and no Fall anymore.

When I was kid, I remember that we OCCASIONALLY got snow on Thanksgiving, but usually not until December. Now it starts at Halloween, and we'll still be getting snow in April. There was also a stretch during my childhood where it rained on Christmas every year for like 10 years in a row.

Anybody who wants to tell you that the seasons are NOT all screwed up is either a drooling moron or is lying to you. Or both.

[MineralMan]

10. Well, it's supposed to snow here in the Twin Cities

on Friday. It seems to me that Fall is doing its normal thing, pretty much, at least in the upper Midwest. Time to fire up the snowblower to make sure it will run this Winter.

[smirkymonkey]

11. I'm in Boston and I couldn't sleep last night because it was so warm and humid.

They turn off the coolers in our building in early October so there is no AC and all I had was my fan, but that didn't do much for the humidity. Usually this time of year is very cool and crisp, but it has been unusually warm. Some people love it, but I prefer the cool weather.

[Blaukraut]

13. It's awful, isn't it?

This is the time of year when you get your yard ready for the coming winter months. But doing all that in shorts and t-shirt, sweating your ass off, is no fun.

[smirkymonkey]

14. Yes, I hate it! Fall is my favorite season, but I am afraid it's going to be like spring where we

have Winter, then have a few nice spring-like days (instead of an actual spring season) and go right into a hot, humid summer. Now it seems as though instead of having a fall season, we are going from summer to winter, with only a few nice fall-like days in between.

I remember growing up having four distinct seasons and how each one had it's own particular smell and feel about it. That seems to be gone forever.

[Coventina]

12. 95 for a high in Phoenix today. I'm ready to pull out my hair.

The summer gets longer and longer every year.

But hey, global warming is a hoax!

[Initech]

15. It was 104 in Southern California yesterday.

And I am with you.

[librechik]

16. Don't worry. Syndicated Fall seasons will be available for viewing on Netflix through 2019.