Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting!

[MrMickeysMom]

?4495

NEW YORK—Cheers filled the streets and American flags waved triumphantly through the air today as the nation turned out in full force to celebrate an entire week having passed since the last time a madman opened fire on innocent civilians in some kind of fatal mass shooting. “We did it, folks! We banded together and managed to go seven whole days without killing our fellow Americans in a senseless murdering spree!” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said in a speech to jubilant throngs gathered in Times Square. “Yes, some people were shot this week, but not in a random, highly public, viscerally disturbing way and—most importantly—not all in one place, by one psychopath. Maybe one day we can live in a society where abominable large-scale gun violence stays out of the national headlines for a whole month even!” At press time, federal authorities had issued a reminder to all Americans that a lot can happen in 24 hours, “so let’s not get too excited yet.”

Of course it's the Onion... What isn't the onion lately, eh? Oh, and... TOO BAD THEY GOT IT WRONG!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-celebrates-full-week-without-deadly-mass-sh,29293/

[grasswire]

1. yeah, what about the Empire State Bldg incident?

Oh, I guess some of those injuries were by police fire.

[TheCowsCameHome]

2. How's the Gungeon coping with this news?

Not too well, I'll bet.

[madrchsod]

3. not in chicago.....last night....4 dead 13 wounded

[Kalidurga]

4. Then they update to reflect reality

So sad...well I guess that is why they call it The Onion.

[MrMickeysMom]

5. "I guess that is why they call it The Onion"...

The over-riding headline that will never be is what's making me cry...

[struggle4progress]

6. The best guess will be about 700 died this week from gunshots

[Javaman]

7. Well now, that's one in a row! nt