Here’s The One True Way To Heaven
By Pope Francis I
People ask me all the time about the Christian path to heaven. How can we get there? What acts must we perform? Some think the answers are unknowable. Others believe the divine kingdom may not exist at all. But let me assure you, heaven is a very real place. I’ve been there plenty of times, and it always starts with me getting into a van with a bag of mescaline and just flooring it out west into the desert sunset.
That’s your straight shot into the city of Our Heavenly Father right there. No question about it.
The colors you see. The truths you learn. It changes you, man. But the changes are all for the better. You see past all the bullshit society has imposed on you—all its illusions. You realize there’s this whole cosmic dance going on behind the scenes, something perceivable only by opening your mind’s eye. And if that isn’t the holy place where the faithful behold the face of God, well, I don’t know what is.
There are loads of jumping-off points for heaven: Yucca Valley. The Mojave Desert. Burning Man. I’ve been to them all. Regardless of where you start, just check your emotional baggage at the door, eat a few buttons of mescalito with a good pal, and let the vibrations of the galaxy wash over you.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/heres-the-one-true-way-to-heaven,33668/
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Oh, and have a nice trip! 
30 years ago. I can still hear the angels singing...... 
