If I can complain about something people do to married couples

[Recursion]

I try not to get too personal here on DU, but this one really gets me. Fortunately my examples can leave enough room for plausible deniability.

Can we please, please, please, end the stupid social convention by which it is OK to ask couples "so when are you getting pregnant?"

What if the answer were, from the man, "I'm impotent"?

What if the answer were, from the woman, "I'm barren"?

What if the answer were "we don't believe in population growth"?

What if the answer from either were "I had cancer and lost my reproductive tract".

Seriously, who the fuck gave people the idea that it was OK to ask couples this question? This makes me so angry. I won't talk about which of those categories my wife and I are in, because I don't need to tell anybody which we're in, but this situation where everybody feels free to poke us about having kids is absolutely enraging.

[Hoyt]

1. Fortunately, I don't get that question when I'm with my Ladyfriend, I'm way too old. But, I get it.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. I used to get that question from time to time

years ago, when I was married, usually but not always from relatives. It pissed me off because it's none of anybody's damned business, even relatives.' What if you just don't want children? We didn't, and that was a real turd in the social punchbowl in those days, and maybe it still is. But no matter what the reason may be, it's a question that should not be asked, by anybody, ever, because it's none of their damned business. I remember deflecting it semi-politely by saying something like "Why do you want to know?" instead of "Mind your own fucking business," which maybe is what I should have said.

[LakeArenal]

4. I answered: We don't want children..

It has set up questions like:

Why get married?
Why buy the cow? (presumably, Me)

Or comments like: (mostly directed at me)

God put you here to bear children.
You must not have any maternal instinct.
That’s fucked up.
Spoiled selfish bitch. (This last being the closest to fact).

[ProudLib72]

13. Whoa! Those are exceedingly nasty comments!

How long ago was this and where?

[LakeArenal]

14. Ages ago. Madison Wi if you can believe that!!

[ProudLib72]

15. I've certainly been asked why I didn't have children

I never heard any of those, though. Maybe my ex wife did, I don't know. Never in my life have I believed that having kids was an obligation of marriage.

[LuvNewcastle]

5. I might ask a couple that if I know them well.

Like I've told others, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't have any. There's already too many people and besides, it's a shitty world.

[Ohiogal]

6. I would never, ever, ask any couple that

Because I figure it's none of my goddam business. I feel for those of you who have had to endure this.

[sarge43]

7. The answer is "That's none of your business." or "That's rather personal, isn't it?"

Also useful for any unmarried woman over age 30.

[genxlib]

8. It doesn't stop after the first

We kept getting questions when we were going to have a second child.

My response was always to inquire about their willingness for free baby sitting services...that usually ended the conversation.

[Thunderbeast]

9. When we adopted...

the often asked question was: "Couldn't you have children of your own"?

HELLO! We DO have "children of our own".

Many couldn't fathom that it was a personal choice.

[customerserviceguy]

10. I was adopted

I should ask Mom how she and Dad handled that question. Plenty of Irish relatives on his side and Polish ones on hers surely would have pried in this way all those years ago.

[murielm99]

11. Wait until they start pestering you about

grandchildren. My kids chose not to have kids. Their choice. Some of it may have to do with career choices and student loan debt, but it is still their choice.

[Totally Tunsie]

12. A very wistful "No, there's just the two of us"

used to work for us. The inquirer was simply left to wonder...

[smirkymonkey]

16. What a rude question to ask!

Especially if you don't know the person that well. It really isn't anyone's business and I don't know why people think this is an appropriate question to ask.

[Major Nikon]

17. They stop asking after you have a couple of kids

[Laffy Kat]

18. I totally get it.

I'm bad about asking people I'm just getting to know if they have children just to have more to talk about. I'm catching myself now and instead I ask them if they have dogs. I'd rather talk about dogs anyway.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

21. Asking people if they have kids usually isn't inappropriate - it's asking them why

they don't, or if they're ever going to have any, that's over the line, because you're basically asking them about their reproductive systems, and it's hard to get more invasively personal than that.

[Laffy Kat]

22. Oh, I didn't mean to imply it was the same.

It is downright rude to ask people when they plan to have children or why they haven't had kids. I agree with you 100%.

[Pharlo]

25. Once they move from "Do you have any children?" to "why?" or "Why not?",

I look them in the eye and answer them honestly. "Because I was smart enough to use birth control and fortunate enough that it worked. Why? In which of those two endeavors did you fail?"

They either shut up or become defensive - then, you respond with a skeptical look and follow up with "Yeah, sure, everyone knows once they're born you HAVE to say they were planned and wanted. But we know better, don't we?"

For some inexplicable reason I simply cannot recall the last time anyone ever asked why I hadn't any children.

[Yavin4]

19. Oh yeah, try being single and never married and no kids

People look at me like I have three heads.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

20. Here that!

And how about those that jump to the conclusion that you have kids because of how old you are?

[LuckyCharms]

23. The correct answer to this question is as follows:

"Oh, you want to know when we are going to start fucking like horny goats, without using birth control during the ovulation period? Is that what you are asking"?

This works well when it is said loudly at a party. Say it without a hint of humor.

Then you can follow up with:

If you are the woman: "Good question! Let me ask the old sperm gun here. "Honey, did you here the question? They want to know when we are going to start fucking like..."

If you are the man: Grab your crotch and lick your lips. Stare at your partner and say "Ready when you are honey".

If you do this in front of enough people, you almost guarantee that you will never be asked that question again.

[zanana1]

24. We always told people we chose not to have children.

If they can't handle that, it's their problem.

[redstatebluegirl]

26. I remember when I was first married in the 70's it was an every day question.

Before the flowers even died, they were asking when we were going to have kids. Thankfully I was unable to have them, especially with my first husband who would have been a HORRIBLE father. I have never regretted not having kids. I have worked with them my entire career and have, I hope, made a difference with a few of them.

The idea that you are not "a family" without kids is nonsense. The idea that you can't have a great marriage without kids is nuts. The idea that you are not really a "woman" until you have procreated is also bullshit!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

29. Same time period for me.

In those days you'd get the "When will you start having kids?" question at the wedding reception. Should've gotten right down on the floor with new hubby then and there, and said "Nine months from now, right?"

[badhair77]

27. I never ask such a question as I basically mind my own business.

I’m happy to talk to others about their kids but I don’t want to possibly put them in an awkward situation.

My son is gay and people would ask him if he had a girlfriend. This was before he was publicly out. Equally annoying as the question about children.

[Bayard]

28. I always used to answer--

I have kids. They just have fur.

Too old for those kinds of questions now, but in my first marriage, I have terrible family genetics I didn't want to pass down, and my ex would have been a very bad father. That was certainly no one's business.

If I had it to do over, I would start asking about the questioner's sex life......

[RobinA]

30. I'm Single

and never had any desire to have a child, and I still get your rage. People write in to advice columns all the time about how to handle these questions, and it appalls me each time. I can't even imagine asking someone when they are going to have children. It's so presumptuous. And just downright rude.