New Evidence Finds Titanic Passengers Continued Eating From Buffet As Ship Sank

[geardaddy]

https://www.theonion.com/new-evidence-finds-titanic-passengers-continued-eating-1836407827

WOODS HOLE, MA—Illuminating the panicked and desperate final hours of the passengers aboard the doomed ocean liner, forensic divers from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution found new evidence Tuesday indicating that the Titanic’s passengers continued eating from the main deck’s buffet as the ship sank into the ocean. “According to our findings, steerage and main deck passengers alike made an average of three trips up the increasingly pitched deck for different seafood and pasta options. Several of them even sat down and dined together, placing more and more matchbooks under the table legs to level the eating surface as the ship began to take on water,” said lead researcher Dr. Lyor Walker, noting that the knowledge that they were almost certainly doomed did nothing to dissuade passengers from the pursuit of all-you-can-eat-scallops. “While a majority of passengers raced to the nearest exit, we now know that a significant number of people displayed incredible stoicism and composure while fetching an entire rack of ribs and side of macaroni. These brave diners soldiered on even as the ship broke in half and lost electricity, rendering most dishes lukewarm at best. In fact, we must commend those men who courageously placed women and children in the lifeboats before rushing back to the buffet to grab a to-go plate.” At press time, researchers released a moving photo of the preserved skeletal remains of one tuxedo-clad passenger still hunched thoughtfully over a long-sunken dessert cart.

[SHRED]

1. 😂😂😂😂

[elleng]

2. placing more and more matchbooks under the table legs to level the eating surface!

[Floyd R. Turbo]

3. And the lobsters thought the sinking was a miracle!

[sl8]

7. Ha! What about the potted shrimp and soused herring, though?

It doesn't sound like they're in any shape to go for a midnight swim.

Let's not even get started on the Brawn.

[Yavin4]

8. You could do a whole new movie from the lobsters' perspective

It would have a happy ending.

[Zoonart]

4. The condemned men ate a hearty meal.

[edbermac]

5. Probably more drinking than eating.

Benjamin Guggenheim was seen having brandy as the ship went down.

[louis-t]

6. Today, they would be Trump voters.

[Corgigal]

9. Of course I was too late,

to post this exact statement. Ha.

[louis-t]

15. You got-ta git up pret-ty..early..

in the...morning....

[hunter]

10. It's a perfect post for E&E.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1127

[jmowreader]

11. This doesn't sound all that far-fetched

You're on a ship with half as many lifeboats as it needs. You know you're going to die.

Pig the fuck out.

[geardaddy]

12. Right!

And drink all the expensive booze.

[Kaleva]

14. Sex would be intense and a race to orgasm before drowning.

Could I maintain an erection under so much pressure or would I go flaccid listening to the screams of hundreds calling for help and be distracted by the rising, near freezing, sea water.

[Kaleva]

13. I believed this till I read the last two sentences and then looked at the link.