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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsDo you have a favorite "lawyer" joke?
Q) - What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A) - The rooster clucks defiant"
cilla4progress
(24,728 posts)Good one!
Beakybird
(3,333 posts)cilla4progress
(24,728 posts)Da client
Beakybird
(3,333 posts)An attractive man meets a voluptuous woman in a bar.
He says, "What's happening?"
She says, "I want to screw someone. I love to screw all day and all night."
He says, "Wow! I'm a lawyer too! Here's my card."
Lochloosa
(16,063 posts)Not enough sand.
Skittles
(153,160 posts)difference between a carp and a lawyer
one is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish
AdamThePhantump
(10 posts)Both are fish. One just likes to scrape his dick on coral all day.
IggleDuer
(964 posts)- A Doberman.
customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)He gets taller.
spooky3
(34,444 posts)Q: How can you tell the difference between an extraverted accountant, and an introverted accountant?
A: When s/he talks to you, the extravert looks at YOUR shoes.
fierywoman
(7,683 posts)distance from the mainland. The problem is, the water is full of sharks.
The priest volunteers to swim to the mainland for help, but he is eaten by the sharks.
Same with the rabbi.
Finally the lawyer starts swimming and arrives at the mainland.
Someone who had observed all this asked him, "How come the sharks let you through unharmed?"
"Professional courtesy," the lawyer answered.
Bayard
(22,063 posts)All I have is the old, what do you call 1,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
fierywoman
(7,683 posts)(the civil case?) (I was cooking for a dinner for him and his friends) ... he really wasn't amused.
DBoon
(22,363 posts)The Rabbi offers to seek shelter first. Time passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is the Rabbi. He says, "There are pigs in the barn. I cannot sleep there."
The Hindu then offers to sleep in the barn. Time Passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is the Hindu. He says, "There are cows in the barn. Cows are sacred. I cannot sleep there."
The lawyer then offers to sleep in the barn. Times passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is a pig and a cow....
lastlib
(23,224 posts)Bad news first: Stock market crashed, Wall Street saw 600 people jumping out of their windows!
Good news! Five hundred fifty of them were lawyers!
Zambero
(8,964 posts)Another guy at the next table says "I really resent that remark!".
The shouter asks: "Oh, I suppose you're a lawyer then?"
The other guy says: "No, I'm an asshole!"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)DFW
(54,369 posts)A man dies, goes to heaven, and St. Peter shows him around.
There are huge apartment complexes. The man asks who they are for. St. Peter explains: "This is where the doctors are." A few miles on is another immense apartment complex, "this one is for the educators." A few miles further: "This is where the scholars are." A few miles further on is a wonderful immaculate single mansion with an immaculate garden and swimming pool.
"Who is that for?" asks the new arrival. "That is a lawyer." The man asks, "how come he gets his own place?" St. Peter replies, "he's the only one we've ever had."
I really shouldn't be involved on this thread. My younger daughter is an attorney, and the youngest person ever to make partner in her international law firm (at age 31).
Collimator
(1,639 posts)Engineer dies and gets sent to Hell. Guy likes to keep busy and use his skills around the place. Sets hell up with air conditioning, a pool, all sorts of amenities.
God gets word of the upgrades going on down below and gives Satan a call.
God: "I've changed my mind; send the engineer up my way."
Satan: "Nothing doing. You sent him down; he stays."
God: [stammering] "Well, if you don't send him back. . . I'll--I'll SUE you!"
Satan: [chuckling] "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
DFW
(54,369 posts)Too bad I don't dare send it to my daughter!
edbermac
(15,938 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)(So is he)
Doc_Technical
(3,526 posts)and she noticed the epitaph on a gravestone which read,
"Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man"
and the woman cried out, "Faith and Begorrah,
they've buried two men in one grave!"
DiverDave
(4,886 posts)Lawyers, New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites.
Why is that? New Jersey got to pick first.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A - "First he lies on one side, and then the other"
Marthe48
(16,949 posts)A guy goes into an antique shop in San Francisco. He notices a medallion marked not for sale and really wants it. The antique dealer tries to talk the guy out of buying it, but the guy offers him $10,000.00, which the dealer can't turn down.
So the guy is walking down the street toward the Bay. He stops at a light and notices a rat behind him on the sidewalk. He doesn't think much of it, and walks on. At the next light, he notices several rats behind him. He feels a little nervous. When he gets to another light, he looks back and there must be a 100 rats behind him. He walks toward a dock and more and more rats are behind him, getting closer and closer. He realizes it must be something to do with the medallion and he frantically pulls it out of his pocket and throws it into the Bay. Hundreds of rats race off the dock into the water. The guy returns to the shop.
The shopkeeper greets him and says, 'I bet you ended up with a bunch of rats chasing you. And you want to return the medallion and get your money back.'
And the guy says, 'No. I want to know if you have a medallion for lawyers!'
brewens
(13,582 posts)experiments. The reasons being, lawyers are more easily obtained than rats, you won't become quite so attached to a lawyer as you would a rat, and there are some things rats just will not do.
LakeArenal
(28,817 posts)Dewey, Cheetam and Howe?
Submariner
(12,503 posts)when they used to do the Saturday morning Car Talk show on NPR. The brothers always cited that law firm.
LakeArenal
(28,817 posts)I listened to Click and Clack and knew the phrase is older than them.
katusha
(809 posts)Liberty Belle
(9,535 posts)There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Haggis for Breakfast
(6,831 posts)Q - How many lawyers does it take to stop a speeding train ?
A - Never enough.
Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 30 ?
A - A lawyer.
Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 80 ?
A - Your honor.
Q - What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common ?
A - You always hear about them, but you never see one.
Q - What's the definition of mixed emotions ?
A - Watching your lawyer drive off a cliff in your Jaguar.
Q - How do you keep an attorney from drowning ?
A - Shoot him before he hits the water.
We have a paralegal in the family. She has hundreds of these.
yuiyoshida
(41,831 posts)What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
What?
A good start....
Shrek
(3,977 posts)With Hitler, a lawyer, and a rabid wolverine. You have a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
.
.
.
.
.
Shoot the lawyer twice.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)(You complete it!)
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Nothing, it was a trick question.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Taller.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)The caterer.
GumboYaYa
(5,942 posts)A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
JonLP24
(29,322 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Profession courtesy.
SKKY
(11,804 posts)Keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their heads.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Not enough sand.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)They're both extinct.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Nothing! (Another trick question)
47of74
(18,470 posts)JudyM
(29,236 posts)Good luck studying for the Bar!
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)An offer you can't understand.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
The Wizard
(12,545 posts)Cowboy boots have the bullshit on the outside.
Turbineguy
(37,324 posts)are in a lake drowning and you can only save one.
What do you do?
Sit down on a bench and eat your sandwiches.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Only three..All the rest are true stories.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)How many can you afford?
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Lipstick!
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Sue.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A)..A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Other lawyers look interested.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)The lawyer charges more.
Beringia
(4,316 posts)1. They use sleight of hand to make you look bad in front of their husband.
2. They use it to play victim and shoot down the vice president.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)and when asked what had happened, he replied:
"I was chasing an ambulance, tripped on a pothole, and fell flat on my face!"
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)In a cemetery.
NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)A: A good start.
Just jokes, folks. I know a few lawyers that I do t want at the bottom of the ocean.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Lawyers have removable wing tips.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A)..The bucket
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)"all lawyers are assholes!"
A man sitting at the other end of the bar says: "I resent that remark"
The first man says, "why, are you a lawyer?"
He says "no...I'm an asshole!"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)To practice.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)So that real estate agents would have someone to look down upon.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)A Republican.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)They threatened to release one hostage every hour until their demands were met.
calguy
(5,306 posts)I have to choose between Bill Barr or Rudy Giulliani. I just can't decide.
Zoonart
(11,860 posts)In the middle if the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? ........
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
PJMcK
(22,035 posts)Following surgery, a lawyer woke up in the hospital. He noticed that the blinds to his room were closed.
He asked the nurse, Why are all the blinds drawn?
She responded, Well, theres a raging fire in the building across the street and the doctor didnt want you to wake up and think the operation had been a failure.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
red dog 1 This message was self-deleted by its author.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A) - How many can you afford?
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)An accountant knows he's boring.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)All the information you'll ever need, but you won't understand a word of it.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Because even Cupid can't shoot a target that small.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Redundant.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A tick falls off you when you die.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.