Losing my mother to cancer, being kicked when I'm down, and my personal eulogy
I have been carrying a lot of pain and sorrow lately over what I have labeled “the D&D” Death and Divorce. My wife separated from me on November 21st and on January 1st my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma. I spent the pasts few months on back and forth trips to Florida for her hospice care. She quickly deteriorated and passed a way on February 26 when I was at her side. During this time my Maine Coon cat became seriously ill as well and I had to handle that. DU members came to my aide then and you guys were awesome! I fancied myself a hard-as-nails badass but I’ve been privately pouring out tears in my bedroom as the wife can attest to during all this. Now she is moving out this week and I will be all alone.
I am so grateful for the enormous outpouring of support that so many people have given me that words cannot express.
Buuuuuut, of course there is a but.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a small minority of public and private comments, NOT from DU of course, that ranged from well-meaning but ill-advised to shockingly insensitive. I always try to take the high road and be as understanding as I can but my daily activities were grinded to a halt yesterday because of someone who said "you need to seek out God as your mother would have wanted". So I simply responded with this article here...
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/14/smarter-living/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving.html?fbclid=IwAR0xeCHVksO0fH83mPazbYJWL9akS_D7zA-YypfL-cyAWgdRe1BpfZYrNgs
and I said "Rule 3 read it then go back and read it again and remember it’s not about you. Exercising good judgement and choosing your words carefully is being altruistic, not 'politically correct'. If you still need it spelled out for you, yes I am an atheist. Just accept who I am."
and do I really need to say it? yup she's a die hard Deplorable with "Women For Trump" as her profile pic. How FUCKING DARE you have the nerve to judge my morality! or assume you know why my mother would want from me!
Anyway I'll brush off the negativity. I wanted to share my eulogy I wrote and delivered to my mother on at her memorial service last Saturday. My two brothers and I spent the last few months in constant crisis mode working hard together putting our personal lives on hold. Those events were the focus of my personal eulogy to her. Did I go for the Amusing Anecdote speech? A Speak From The Heart speech? No, I went for the Spill Your Guts Out On The Floor In Front Of Everyone You Know In Your Most Vulnerable State speech. Why? Because it was for mother! She deserved me at my most honest form without filter or pretense.
Here we go:
From the moment I learned of mom’s diagnosis to my final journey bringing her remains home I logged over 6,000 miles and 96 hours on the road. This allotted me a lot of quiet time for deep contemplative thought on my situation and life, the universe, and everything. I pondered on what would I say when I finally found myself standing here. I’ve spent weeks scanning hundreds of photos from her collection reminiscing on 50 years of personal memories wondering what stood out the most and had the most significant impact on me. My mind stayed locked on this year because those events changed everything for me. The experience drove home the lesson that she was always a shining beacon of example, to put others needs before your own. No matter what obstacles were thrown before me, and there were a lot, I casted them aside and came to her side. I did whatever needed to be done, whatever care eased her suffering. Never once did I say or thought “I can’t do this” Only that I had to do this and failure was not an option. Because of her example I learned how strong I was because being strong was the only option I had. But despite how difficult and unnerving at times it was I really enjoyed the time we spent together. There was always a feeling of comfort and security in her home which I had missed and really needed at that time. I told her this when I left and promised I would return, to which she replied “Yes you will” Despite all that she was going through, she still played the exemplary motherly part, still concerned about me when I was there, contacting others to find out how I was doing when I wasn’t responding. Even my last message from her was "How is Einstein doing?" Concern for my sick cat even when her condition had deteriorated to where someone else had to relay the message for her.
When I heard her condition had turned for the worst and this was it I raced back down to be at her side, despite yet more obstacles being thrown at me. Seeing her in the nursing home was initially unnerving I wasn't prepared for it. But it was important to me that her final moments had the dignity, grace, and peace of mind that she so deserved. That really everyone deserves. She could no longer speak but when she awoke and saw I had arrived she gave a big sigh of acknowledgement and a look of relief. When she awoke again that night I assured her I stayed by her side. I told her about the recent events, read her letters left behind by her friends, and just kept walking the room so she could see I was there. Despite the situation it felt like we were back home watching her shows and hanging out. That comfort and security was there again. Before I left I showed her a graphic on my phone saying “we love you mom” and she gave a slight struggled smile.
I am thankful I fulfilled my promise and was with you in your last days. I feel privileged that Andy and I were the last people with you who you knew. I like to think I did all I could for you but I know I really didn’t. I am burdened with what psychologists refer to as “survivor’s guilt” but it’s more than that. All you wanted was quality time and visits from your family whom you have cared so much for, and I always brushed it off as an inconvenience. I failed you as a son just as I have failed as a husband and now that comfort and security is gone and I am alone. And the world can be a brutal, cruel, and dark place when you are all alone. I hope my efforts at the end made a difference for you and helped made up for years of indifference. It certainly mattered to me. The events of the past few months altered my perception on what is most important and who is most important. When you were in need we all pulled together and made your need first just as you taught us. As the matriarch of our family you tirelessly served as the mediator, the diplomat, the counselor, and the force that bound us together. It is now up to us ensure your efforts were not in vain and to preserve the newly strengthened bonds we forged for you. This will be my charge to heal old wounds, to repair the petty rifts that needlessly polarized us, to soldier on against any obstacle life throws at us, and we will face it as one.
On that I conclude with the words from one of my biggest heroes in life Mister Rogers who I spent many years watching while sitting on your shag carpet as a child. He echoed your wisdom in a commencement speech in 2002 while he had the early stages of the cancer that would soon claim him.
“Our world hangs like a magnificent jewel in the vastness of space. Every one of us is a part of that jewel. A facet of that jewel. And in the perspective of infinity, our differences are infinitesimal. We are intimately related. May we never even pretend that we are not.”
I will search the starry night in the celestial heavens and look for your shining beacon of light in the great enveloping cosmic dark. And for that moment I will not be alone.
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When I lost my mom, these simple words made me feel a lil better, maybe for you too...
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no matter our age. And then to be facing divorce ... 
Lovely tribute to your Mother. 
I lost my mom when I was sixteen, and the pain was excruciating. I have three brothers (I'm the only girl), and our father was pretty indifferent to our pain after she passed. We survived by clinging to each other. That was forty years ago, and my brothers are still among my best friends. We get together and play a night of dominoes at least once a year (usually Christmas), and we still reminisce about our mom.
She was our north star, and and still is.
For many years after her death, every time I had a muscle twitch I would imagine it was her tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me of some wisdom or truth.
I wish you peace, and trust it will come to you in time. Meantime, I'm sending you my warmest thoughts and vibes...from one atheist to another.
My dad was an amateur astronomer. When he was comatose at the end over 16 years ago, I sat by his bed and read to him from one of his astronomy books. I think he knew I was there.
When I was 16, he and I drove to Flagstaff from California, where we were living, to visit the Lowell observatory. Stopped to see Meteor Crater, too. I cannot look at the moon or the stars and not think of him.
I am just back from a trip to my favorite island in the Caribbean. Every night, after dinner, I sat out on the beach looking at the moon and the stars. I was not alone, even though I am now a widow and both of my parents are long gone.
Hugs, to you.