how about farmer jokes? anyone got a good farmer joke for me?

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

i'm an urban farmer. i think it would be a good idea to here them all.
i can tell the good ones, and step on the bad ones before they get to the punchline.

[In_The_Wind]

1. ....

I'm just gonna watch and laugh my ass off.

[sorcrow]

2. My neighbor won a farming award...

My neighbor won a farming award, he was outstanding in his field.

Regards,
Crow

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

3. oh def can use that.

thx.
i have heard it but needed the reminder.

[sorcrow]

4. Did you hear about the farmer who won the lottery?

Did you hear about the farmer who won the lottery?

Asked what he'd do with the money, he replied,"Reckon I'll just keep farming til it's all gone."

Regards,
Crow

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

5. sounds about right.

i won the divorce lottery, which i why i am still doing it.

[lillypaddle]

9. I like this!

[Marthe48]

6. The farmer who wanted to grow donuts

So he planted 10 acres of Cheerios

[JohnnyRingo]

7. No, but I was visiting a farmer friend recently.

Upon arrival I encountered his adorable young daughter in the driveway who was playing fire fighter in her little red wagon. She had two stout strings in hand, one attached to her dog's collar and the other tied to her kitty's testicles. Now I'm not as animal savvy as my friends in the country, but I tried to be helpful and pointed out that she could go faster if she tied the string around the cat's neck. Obviously annoyed with me, she replied: "then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?"

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

16. a siren. that's good.

i just watched 'oh brother where art tho' for the second time. somehow the first time i missed that it was a retelling of the odyssey. makes a lot more sense when you catch that.
not that i expect a coen bros movie to make sense the first time you see it, but...

[lillypaddle]

8. Farmer Jones

was having a helluva time. First he had to deal with a swarm of locusts that descended on his crops. No sooner than he thought he'd gotten his feet under him again, it rained and rained and rained, and his crops washed out. He was beside himself with grief, he had worked so hard. But farming was his life, so he put his back into it, and slowly but surely rebuilt once again.

Oh noes! Now it was (fill in the blank) that did him in. He was a broken man. As he stood in the middle of his wasted and barren farmland, he raised his arms to the heavens and said, "Dear God, why have you forsaken me time and time again?? I've worked hard all my life and I am left with nothing to show for it."

From the clouds came a booming voice, "Jones, there's just something about you that pisses me off."

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

15. i've been trying to figure out who put a curse on me. damn i have had a 2020.

i mean, we all have. but mine has been exceptional.
never occurred to me it was god, tho. i dont believe in god. but if i did i would assume he liked farmers.

[lillypaddle]

17. Well, you never know

there might just be something about you that ...

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

18. no doubt. i have a tat that says- you say i'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

i just dont know anyone powerful enough to lay a curse like this one.

[lillypaddle]

20. I'm sure it's not a curse

I was just joshing you. Sorry things have gone so bad for you. My joke was supposed to put a smile on your face.

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

22. it did.

if i couldnt laugh at myself, i would be dead by now.
hence the tat.

[tblue37]

25. He rejected farmer Cain's offerings but favored shepherd Abel's. Cain's jealousy provoked him to

murder his brother.

So apparently God has it in for farmers.

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

26. well hell. but i have chickens. doesnt that count?

guess i need some sheep after all.

[tblue37]

24. Job.

[Cirque du So-What]

10. Here's a twofer - farmer AND Scotsman joke

Q: What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

A: Mick Jagger says ‘hey, you get off of my cloud!’

The Scottish sheep farmer says ‘hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!’

[JohnnyRingo]

11. ★★★★

Good one

[keithbvadu2]

12. Trump farmers

[jmowreader]

13. The Texas Aggie joke

A young man enrolled in the Sheep Husbandry program at Texas A&M. Ten weeks into the program, the professor addressed the class. “Starting Monday, we put our theory into practice. Everyone must bring in a lamb and we will raise them to market weight.”

Our hero thought lambs would be really expensive, so he decided to find someone who’d give him one. He started driving through the countryside until he found a sheep ranch, then approached the farmer. “I am a poor college student learning sheep husbandry, and I need a lamb for my studies. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, will you give me one?” The farmer agreed.

The kid went off in the field, made some calculations and came back. “You have 1,428 sheep and lambs.”

“That’s right. How did you do that?” The kid showed the farmer this complex sheep density formula. “Oh, never mind...get yourself a lamb and good luck with your studies.” The student picked up an animal and headed back to his truck.

“Young man, how about we do double or nothing?”

“What?”

“If I can tell you what university you attend, I get the animal back; if I miss, you get another one.”

“Okay.”

“You attend Texas A&M.”

“How did you do that?”

“You’re carrying my dog.”

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

14. lol. too bad my eldest doesn't talk to me. she is an aggie fan.

that's okay tho. i dont want to talk to her. she is a joke.
hook 'em horns.

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

19. c'mon lounge. 1 more rec. get this before the general public on here.

the funny around here is what keeps me sane.
or so i think.

[tblue37]

21. A farmer was showing a city boy around his farm when the city boy said, "That's a big

bunch of cows! "

"Herd," the farmer said.

" Heard what?" the city boy responded.

"Cow herd," said the farmer.

"Who cares what the cow heard?" said the city boy. "Who are they gonna tell?"

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

23. well, they could tell the bull, and he WOULD spread it around.

i mean, you know how they are. they cant help themselves.

[JohnnyRingo]

27. Shoe hears your plea

with a very timely strip today

[img][/img]

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

28. lol. perfect.

love shoe.

[Archae]

29. Couple funny farm songs...

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

30. were you aware that you had the power to open up a wormhole?

dang. i am notmbig enough for a combine, but i do have a 1985 new lenox (ford) bobcat.
sexy she aint. a bitch she is. and slow.
and she sure dont run like a deere. but i sure think that dude is sexy.

damn you.
thx.

[gratuitous]

31. At the end of a long life . . .

As he approached the Pearly Gates, the farmer noticed there was another fellow outside the gates. The farmer walked up to the man, who introduced himself as Mr. Richbody, a millionaire and philanthropist. "Well, I'm Farmer Goodbody, pleased to meet you." "Likewise."

Just then, a fanfare of angelic trumpets sounded, the gates swung open wide, and a booming celestial voice said, "Well done my good and faithful servant, Jonathan Richbody. Enter into Heaven." Behind the gates there were hosts of angels singing glory to God and innumerable souls of those that had gone before cheering wildly. Mr. Richbody walked in through the gates, the music and voices swelling in a thunderous crescendo as the gates swung shut.

Farmer Goodbody, blown away by the spectacle, resumed his waiting. Moments later, one gate swings open just wide enough for St. Peter to peek out: "Farmer Goodbody? It's your time." The farmer walks over and slips through the gate, and St. Peter says, "Okay, let me tell you a little about Heaven." "I'm anxious to hear it, but what was that big fuss over Mr. Richbody? I was kind of hoping . . ."

St. Peter looked down, a little abashed. "Oh, you saw that. Don't worry, both your experience of Heaven and Mr. Richbody's will be the same from here on. But you have to understand. We get honest hard-working farmers in here every day. It's been over 300 years since we had a rich man come through."

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

32. oh that's good.

for a minute it thought it was gonna be a clock/ceiling fan joke.

[Harker]

33. The farmers start up a union...

The EIEIO.

[Marthe48]

34. Not a joke but maybe a new direction

I saw your post about having a bad year. My daughter and son-in-law joined a farm co-op a couple of years ago. The farm offers all organic, locally grown vgetables, sometimes strawberries. There are different sized plans, and there is always a lot of variety. They pick up once a week. They get enough stuff that they can freeze of preserve some. They are really happy they found this place.

I tell local farmers about it if I am at the local stands, but so far, no one has started one around here.

Good thoughts and energy your way

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

35. yeah, i was all ready to do a weekly produce bag.

have done it before and did sell a couple. but not much to put in them.

but the big news in my world is that we are about to get a co-op grocery store.
i am owner #32. they had to get to 250 to move to the next stage. but they have a site picked out, and almost ready to issue stock.

https://join.wildonionmarket.com

there are a couple others in town, and they do very well. we have a real popular farmers market here this is super picky about local and organic.

so, by next year, i will be a wholesaler. they also have a loan program for farmers. if there is something they want to carry, but cant find, they will loan money for seeds and equipment.

looking forward to indoor growing this year, too. have a good set up, but so far have only used it for spring seedlings.

now i just have to get my health back. workin on it, but since it involves doctors.....

[ironflange]

36. I know one that's so offensive I can only give you the punch line

Farmer Jones laughed and said, "You idiot, no wonder you didn't enjoy it, you picked the ugliest one!"

[ihas2stinkyfeet]

37. oh dang. i think i heard that joke once.

you can pm the rest of it.
a good obscene joke from a little old lady can be like pissing on a macho man's shoes.
puts them in their place.