Annoying response from a friend from Ireland.

[smirkymonkey]

Ok, I realize that tensions are high and that I might be over-reacting, but I have a friend in Ireland that I met in NYC and he and I correspond regularly via e-mail. We sometimes disagree, but this time he really pissed me off and before I answer him and say things I shouldn't say, I would like to run it by more cool headed people here on DU.

I was planning to take a train from Boston to Baltimore (made plans this summer) for T-giving to celebrate the holiday at my brother's home with the rest of my family. My one brother in VT has already cancelled because of Covid, since his small company has had a Covid case at work and have to quarantine for 2 weeks and if he goes, he will have to quarantine for another two weeks when he comes back and can't afford to take that much time off.

I have my ticket already, but now that Covid cases here in MA and other states are increasing I am thinking it might not be such a wise idea to spend 6.5 hours on a train and spend time with my other siblings with children (I always get sick during the holidays when I am around their kids).

Also, another big consideration is if Trump loses, I am very worried about violence from Trump-loving RW nationalists with assault weapons looking to cause mayhem over the holiday season, as I will be hitting every major large liberal city on the northeastern Atlantic seaboard. I admit that I am an anxious person, but between the virus and threat of violence (and I told him this) I said I was thinking of giving the holiday a miss this year. I am still not sure if everyone else will make it either. A lot can happen between now and then.

What made me angry was that he told me that, "You can't worry about those things and you need to get on with it and live your life. Just go ahead and celebrate the holiday with your family." I don't think he understands how dangerous things are in this country right now. Every friend of mine here is this country is telling me not to go.

Am I over-reacting, or is he under-estimating the risk of traveling here over the holiday season here? I will make my own decision in the end and I am leaning toward not going. It won't be any fun for me if I am anxious the entire time. But just wondering how I should react toward what he said. Thanks in advance for your opinions.

[SWBTATTReg]

1. Yeah, perhaps there might be a couple of instances that violence might erupt, but I think

most of Americans won't act in such a manner, that things will be calm and peaceful, and that all will be fine. People already know how toxic trump is, shouldn't be surprised if in fact, he gets thrown out of office.

[Skittles]

2. never reply to an email while you are angry

wait at least until tomorrow

I'd let it slide - he wants you to have a good holiday

[smirkymonkey]

11. Good idea, Skittles.

I think I will wait until at least Thurs or Friday. I am not in the best place right now and it doesn't take much to set me off. I am having a hard time with anyone who does not completely understand what we are going through over here.

I know he probably means well. I just need a few days to cool down. Thanks again!

[Skittles]

12. believe me, I have been there

heck, I remember the absolute dread I felt when that orange POS was "elected", and feeling absolute rage at anyone who did not understand how BAD it was, how bad it could GET. GO BIDEN!

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

3. I won't comment on his response,

but I think a trip like that is not a very good idea these days. Heck, if in normal times you always get sick when you're around your nieces and nephews, it's an especially bad idea to subject yourself to them this year. Not to mention, you might easily spread whatever you've picked up from them to others on the train. Even if everyone is masked perfectly.

Yeah, I know it's hard not to see family these days. Normally I'd be visiting family in Kansas for either Thanksgiving or Christmas, but this year I'm staying home. I can have a perfectly good time completely alone.

Honestly, if people would simply stay home things might improve a lot.

Added on edit: I do think the fears of violence are vastly overblown.

[smirkymonkey]

13. Thanks Poindexter!

Good advice. I think it's probably a good idea to stay home for my physical and mental well being. Two of my nieces and nephews have already had Covid and have recovered.

It doesn't really bother me to skip the holidays for one season. I really worry about my Dad since he had a heart condition this summer and just turned 81, so I don't want him around a lot of people. I kind of hope the holiday is cancelled for some other reason. I just wish everyone would stay home. I am just as afraid for all of them, if not more so, than I am for myself.

I think you are from the same neck of the woods as I am. I saw a post where you said you were from Utica, NY and I am from just north of there, about 20 mins. I know you live somewhere else now, but it's always kind of interesting to meet someone who grew up in upstate NY.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

26. I was born in Utica,

and when I was seven we moved to Holland Patent.

Where exactly are you from?

[flying rabbit]

4. Why are you pissed?

He may not understand your situation as personally you do. You are under no obligation to follow his advice. Just don't go if you don't want to. Don't take it so personally. My 2Cents.

[smirkymonkey]

14. I don't know.

Like I said, I am very agitated right now due to the elections and could be over-reacting. That is why I did not want to respond before asking advice. I knew that I might be too easily set off by something innocuous.

Thanks, flying rabbit!

[Foolacious]

5. It's hard for an outsider to grasp how volatile things are right now.

I suggest you take some time to cool off, and be forgiving toward him. It doesn't sound like he's trying to be nasty or dismissive; he's just uninformed and is trying to be positive, is how it sounds to me.

[smirkymonkey]

15. Thanks, Foolacious.

You are probably right. That seems to be the consensus. I may not follow his advice, but I shouldn't take it out on him. Ireland is such a different place. I don't think they understand how scary this country is right now. I can't really blame him.

[MaryMagdaline]

6. I wouldn't respond harshly. It's your health, your sanity

Tell him it’s not a question of worrying, it’s a question of weighing choices and you’ve done the weighing. He might be the type of person who wants to jump-start positive thinking. He might even believe that’s what friends are for. So if he’s done what he believes friends are supposed to do, I would just accept his good intentions while at the same time let him know you’re not looking to substitute your judgment for someone else’s.

By morning you’ll figure out how to lightly respond.

[smirkymonkey]

16. Very good advice, Mary.

That is a perfect response. It is a matter of weighing choices. I am sure his intentions were good. And I am sure that I am probably more anxious than I should be, yet I don't seem to be able to help it. And I will play it by ear and make a decision in a few weeks depending upon how things look then.

I think I will give it two or three days before responding to this particular message. He will probably send other about the election which I will respond to tomorrow. Thanks again for your advice!

[MaryMagdaline]

21. You're welcome and good luck!

[dixiechiken1]

7. "It won't be any fun for me if I am anxious the entire time."

I think this statement is all you need. Personally, I get annoyed when I tell someone how I feel and they proceed to tell me how I should feel. Maybe tell him something like, "Thanks for the advice. I haven't decided yet."

[smirkymonkey]

17. Yes, and honestly, I haven't decided yet.

Right now, while we are in the midst of a very contentious election, I feel very unsettled and anxious. Anything can happen between now and then. I need some time before making a decision. Who knows what Trump will do between now and then?

Thanks for your advice!

[Earthshine2]

8. Thanks to an inadequate gov't response to COVID, it is up to each of us as individuals

to protect ourselves and our families.

I personally believe the gov't, in particular here in Florida, has made things much more dangerous for us all.

As for your friend, let us remember that emotional content is not well conveyed by email. I'm sure your friend meant no offense, and only wishes to offer good advice.

Generally, it is best not to offer advice unless it is explicitly asked for.

[smirkymonkey]

18. Yes, you are right.

I'm sure he meant no harm. And he is not the most perceptive person in the world. I sometimes have a hard time with the fact that he does not communicate well.

I don't mean to offend native Irish men, but he is not the first Irish man I have had this issue with. I find them extremely difficult to relate to sometimes. Maybe it's just a big cultural clash. Nobody's fault, just a different way of communicating.

I will give him the benefit of the doubt. He is a kind person and I am sure he meant no harm. He just seems to have no understanding of what people go through psychologically when they are under stress or when they are anxious. I think it might just be a cultural thing and not necessarily his fault.

[Earthshine2]

22. I can tell from your writing style that you take care with your words. Most people don't.

People like us need to give others wide latitude and benefits-of-the-doubt when it comes to written language.

The shortcuts people use in social media are eroding the classical English language.

Also, yes, people from the UK can seem forceful in their language to us. It is a cultural thing.

Happy election night! So far, it's looking good.

[smirkymonkey]

23. Yes, they are very blunt.

Too much so. They don't seem to care too much for the feelings of others.

Anyway, thanks again, and may tonight be a very good one for us! I am hoping for a victory!

[judesedit]

9. Tell him that normally you would do that, but these are not normal times in the USofA

I think he's trying to ease your worried mind, but ultimately, it's your decision and you may be wise to listen to your inner self. It may be warning you. You can facetime with your family this year, and Lord willing, make an appearance next year. Your one brother has already cancelled. The gathering may be called off for everyone's health and safety. Friends sometimes have differences of opinion. It's no big deal. Leave it at that. Stay safe.

[smirkymonkey]

19. Yes, good advice, judesedit.

You are right and I am sure his intentions were good. I don't know why it set me off so much, but my nerves are just raw right now. I am sure it has to do with this election.

I have a feeling that everyone is going to drop out one by one anyway between now and then. It may not be an issue. I think it's going to be a crazy few months and there is no telling what might happen.

Thanks again!

[judesedit]

24. I totally know how you're feeling. Most people I know are feeling the same way

Can't wait to get the results and hope it's a landslide for Biden and Harris for the sake of all living things including this planet. Then we have to get through the next 2 months, but I think it will be easier cause we'll have hope for the future. It'll be nice to be able to sleep again, that's for sure.

[LakeArenal]

10. I don't know how old this person is, but...

Ireland has a history of violent politics.

He might be on to something.

[smirkymonkey]

20. He's in his late 50's, but he has a pretty good grip on the history of the troubles of

Ireland. Maybe it has hardened him a bit toward what we are going through now. Maybe he thinks we are unnecessarily afraid. I don't know. It's something to think about though. Thanks for your perspective, Lake Arenal. Very interesting.

[sarge43]

25. If in doubt, don't. Better safe than sorry.

Don't go ballistic toward your friend. Just tell him you'd rather not risk it right now. Maybe by Christmas things will look better.

[smirkymonkey]

28. You are right. I have calmed down a bit.

There are still a few weeks to decide and I think I probably won't go, but I should not take it out on him. I don't think he understands how stressfull things are over here, especially right now. I am not capable of making a rational decison in this state. I am much too upset. Thanks for your advice, sarge43. I appreciate it.

[Totally Tunsie]

27. The act of love in this situation is to NOT travel so see your family,

especially since you have an elderly father. You are doing right by your family by staying home this year.

That can also be the response to your friend...that you have family that you love dearly and that you couldn't possibly endanger your loved ones. Hopefully, he'll understand.

[smirkymonkey]

29. Thank you, Tunsie!

I knew I could count on you for good advice. My number one worry is my dad. I really don't want him to go. I am hoping that if my other brother and I don't go that he and my step-mother won't go either. I just feel like it's too dangerous. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I would rather err on the side of caution than have a family member get sick. Particularly an older family member.

I think perhaps I over-reacted to his response. He is Irish after all and they are always the type to tell you to get on with things, regardless of the situation. I think I have always resented that about them. It's very callous and uncaring. The English are the same way. They have a strange lack of compassion. And before anybody slams me on this, I am half English. But also half Italian, and I think that is where my empathy comes from.

[gratuitous]

30. Response, "I do go on with things and live my life"

But I still look both ways before crossing the street.

[smirkymonkey]

31. Excellent response!

Thank YOU!

[Tetrachloride]

32. I am grateful to be highly social distanced.

My social distancing is easy because of my apartment building, my lack of job, lack of travel and my region.

[Laffy Kat]

33. I don't agree with him, but I think his heart was in the right place.

Not worth losing a friend over. Personally, I don't think you should go--not because of the potential for violence, but because of the COVID risk. We can't lose you, smirkymonkey. Think of your DU friends and stay safe and healthy.

[smirkymonkey]

34. No, I have calmed down a bit. I was really keyed up the other night when I read that and I am

sure he is just coming from a different place. Ireland is not a very dangerous place at all, even with Covid. And they certainly don't have hundreds of thousands of right-wing gun-toting lunatics running around looking for revenge, so I don't think he quite understands the fear that some of us might have right about this time of year.

I just decided to let it pass with no comment. Good advice, Laffy Kat! I am leaning toward staying. I just don't want to go on a long trip for at least the next 6 months or longer.

[Niagara]

35. You're not over-reacting.

There's quite a few suggestions and sound advice in this thread. I happen to agree with dixiechiken1's response about the difference between how I feel and someone else telling me how I should feel.



I recently just got back from a road trip because my daughter got married. It was an outdoor wedding, there were only 3 of us wearing a mask (my mother included), there was no social distancing and it was freezing. I stood away from everyone else since there was no social distancing with a bunch of maskholes. I should also mention that this was also in an heavily tRump supporting area.



I don't believe that you're over-reacting since as an entire nation have never been through a presidency that was full stop antidemocratic. This is new for all of us and we just don't know what's going to happen. His sycophants may not do anything, but we don't know that as there have been several impressionable lackeys that have killed people.


Once we get through this dreadful mess, we can hang out with friends and family to our hearts content. Stay home and stay safe, SM. Hugs to you!

[smirkymonkey]

36. Thank you, Niagara!

I appreciate your input and I am sorry to hear about your daughter's wedding. It should have been a joyful, pleasant event and it's too bad that some people had to ruin things with their selfishness and ignorance. Anyway, I am glad you made it back ok and I hope you continue to remain in good health!

Thanks again and best to you and yours!

[Niagara]

37. You're welcome and thank you, SM!

Here's wishing continuing good health and the best to you and yours as well.

[mopinko]

38. he is so wrong. he is also why i cant go to ireland.

they just upped their lockdown to level 6, whatever that is.
i was planning to go this winter, but i dont know if i will make it in the next year at.all.

i mean, us irish are great at wishful thinking, and putting our heads down and carrying on no matter what. but we best all wake up, here and there.

[smirkymonkey]

39. Really, he told me it was up to level 5, but they are really going all out this time!

It's not even really that bad over there. We have about 5 times as many cases and deaths in Massachusetts alone as they do in their entire nation. I suppose it's good that they are being extra careful, but I am sorry to hear that your trip is being postponed.

However, on the other hand, if they can eradicate the virus, when you do get a chance to make the trip, you can do so safely. I think what initially set me off was that "typical" Irish/English/Scottish attitude of "Chin up, carry on, never complain, never explain, just get on with it." They don't like to consider risk or people's feelings about things. It's not always the wisest advice.

[mopinko]

40. it went to 6 about 2 wks ago.

yup. that's what kept my mom married to my dad till he died, no matter how much he drank or fooled around.
i mean, sure, there is the whole catholic church thing, but...

[smirkymonkey]

41. Major denial.

Sorry to hear about that.