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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsGroup hug needed
I lost a family member to COVID today, our new son-in-law's father, who has been on a ventilator over a month. He was in his 50s and was the sole support of his family.
This has been a hellish week. Mom, who is 90 with dementia, had a bad fall and was hospitalized last week; she fractured her sternum and a front rib, and xrays also showed an old lower back fracture. Then she went to a nursing home Tuesday that promptly somehow let her fall 3 times in 24 hours. She was screaming so much in pain and anger that they let me see her, but revoked visiting privileges because I went to the nursing station repeatedly asking for help when she kept screaming out in pain and trying to get up to use the bathroom.
Today they got her into a wheelchair, no walking yet, and got her better pain meds. But they are worried about liability now so told us unless we hire someone to sit with her 24/7 at nearly $30 an hour they will send her back to the hospital, or to somewhere else with one-one-one 24/7 care. She cancelled her long term care insurance so nothing is covered other than the rehab center itself -- not the hourly sitter whom I did agree to hire for at least a couple of nights to be my spy on the inside and write down everything that happens. We cannot afford this much longer and she's not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, military spouse's long-term care or anything else.
Mom is totally depressed; we tried an outside visit with plexiglass between and she's so deaf she couldn't hear me even when I shouted myself hoarse. She asks every minute or so if she can go home and is refusing to eat right now, too. She was lucid today, after hallucinating before, but that was almost worse as she's afraid, angry and basically being as cranky as possible. They probably want her gone and i don't blame them.
Now what? There are no affordable options. We cannot bring her to our home as there are stairs everywhere, two big dogs, and no spare bedroom. She is no longer allowed to live alone without 24/7 care. Before all of this, though very forgetful and starting to have occasional falls, she could walk well with a cane and even walked outside and down two steps without her cane the day before she fell and broke bones. It breaks myheart to see her this way.
Of necessity I've done almost no work the past couple of weeks so am behind on everything, and the nonprofit I run is a big concern too as there isn't enough money with no events allowed for the past year, so our reserves are running thin. I'm stressed out of my mind.
Well there is probably no advice to solve all woes; I just needed to grouse a little and maybe get some healing vibes along with any good tips on how to deal with this and maybe some distraction to have something to smile about again. I just can't stop crying.
applegrove
(118,880 posts)Ocelot II
(115,947 posts)Dealing with the care of an ailing elderly parent isn't easy...
raging moderate
(4,314 posts)It does sound as though you are helping a lot of people with a lot of serious problems, and you are doing a good job!
Phoenix61
(17,023 posts)hospice. At her age with an Alzheimers diagnosis she should qualify. Theyll know all the local service providers. They were great with my mom. I wish Id gotten them on board sooner.
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)for all of a few minutes, and said she had no pain. She managed to get the month and year right, and a few other key things.
Never mind that she'll ask the same questions ever few seconds and doesn't understand where she is. So I'm doubtful we could get him to say she's in the last 6 months of life just yet.
Even with hospice, they can't just start a morphine drip when someone is still this feisty and not in enough consistent pain. I'm sure it will come to that soon and it this point it would be a blessing.
Phoenix61
(17,023 posts)They have nurses who will come by and do well visits. They have a social worker who will come by and provide counseling. It was great to have someone to talk to who really understood how hard it was to take care of mom. The best part is help is a phone call away if you need anything. They provide so much more than people realize.
Delmette2.0
(4,176 posts)My Mom had several trips to the hospital in an ambulance. The EMT's would ask her if she wanted something for the pain AFTER she was in the ambulance. The trip to the ER was 3 blocks. When she was finally seen by a doctor she was feeling better and we had to take her home and schedule an appointment with her doctor who was not so great and didn't take into consideration the pain meds. grrrrrrr.
Finally she agreed to Hospice. It was just the solution we needed. I don't know if the Rehab facility would hand over control to Hospice but you need help and Hospice should be able to tell you what they can help with.
thinkingagain
(906 posts)Hug hug hug hug
Because some days more than one us needed.
Rhiannon12866
(206,601 posts)Your Mom's dilemma would be tough at any time, but with this pandemic and personnel stretched thin, it's especially worrisome right now. All I can offer are healing DU vibes for both you and your Mom. I hope that there's a safer place for her which would take some of the stress off of you.
sprinkleeninow
(20,268 posts)summer_in_TX
(2,767 posts)I wonder if you and your mother can talk by phone while looking at each other through the glass. I know she's hard of hearing but the glass window is making it impossible to talk.
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)There is a phone in her room. She hasn't had a cell phone for a while since she forgot how to use it, forgot to charge it, and then forgot to pay the bill.
Small things to be glad of, the home does have "Zoom" calls which we're going to try next; she will need help but at least we can see each other, sort of.
I'm also glad we managed to stave off putting her into a nursing home at least until after they opened it up to outside and window visits, and after she had her first vaccine. She will get the second one Saturday. I hope it doesn't make her sick, but the first one didn't.
I'm also glad they just recently started allowing hired "sitters" which were not allowed due to COVID until everyone there got at least the first vaccine. So at least we have a spy to report back to us for a couple of days.
Guilded Lilly
(5,591 posts)Gore1FL
(21,164 posts)I am sorry for your situation.
sheshe2
(84,005 posts)I do mom (94) care 24/7 with my sister. My mom doesn't have dementia, your situation is more dire. It is all the harder with COVID.
Healing thoughts to you and yours.
Marie Marie
(9,999 posts)Blue Owl
(50,547 posts)Ka-Dinh Oy
(11,686 posts)ancianita
(36,207 posts)pazzyanne
(6,560 posts)chillfactor
(7,587 posts)AllyCat
(16,259 posts)I hope you Abe your sweet momma get some relief soon.
LisaL
(44,980 posts)At least they have been in my state.
AllyCat
(16,259 posts)Ridiculous.
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)Once nursing home staff and residents are vaccinated especially there is no reason not to allow at least outdoor or through the window visits, or even allow in family members who have been vaccinated.
It's crazy that this home won't allow me inside or even my daughter, who had both vaccines, but will allow in a paid sitter who goes from patient to patient at different facilities and is more apt to pass along COVID than us.
AKwannabe
(5,688 posts)Ponietz
(3,055 posts)Coventina
(27,223 posts)I understand your pain and stress.
There's really nothing like it.
Just massive, massive hugs from me.
I don't know where you live, but for my family ALTCS (Arizona Long Term Care System) was a life saver (hers and ours). Maybe look and see if there is something similar in your state?
Much love,
Coventina
StarryNite
(9,467 posts)It was a life saver for our family too.
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)about the AZ model. Maybe it's something needed here.
There are long-term care facilities but they cost around $10,000 a month or more -- you need long term care coverage for this, which unfortunately Mom cancelled before we learned about it and the company refused to reverse the action.
Coventina
(27,223 posts)but this was all I could find:
https://www.azahcccs.gov/members/ALTCSlocations.html
StarryNite
(9,467 posts)Sending you a hug and good, healing vibes.
MyMission
(1,855 posts)It is called aid and attendance. https://www.veteranaid.org/aid-and-attendance-eligibility.php
The website also has information on resources that might be helpful.
A neighbor told me about it many years ago, and her parents were given assistance for their care when they moved to a nursing home. Often there is a person at the "local" VA who can help with logistics. I'm not sure if this is the program you said she is not eligible for because she is not poor enough; there are various programs through the VA. If she does have assets or resources then you/she should consider using them for her care, rather than depleting your resources.
I went through this with my widowed mother, who also had some assets and resources, although certainly not a lot. I am an only child, and decided that whatever my parents had saved and acquired for their old age should be used to care for my mother. I didn't inherit much, but I did inherit their condo because she passed away before I was forced to sell it. She got excellent care in the final years of her life, and I am grateful they had the resources to help provide that care. Before she moved out of her home into a care facility I had some part time caregivers with her when I was working and unavailable. One woman was recommended by her financial advisor. Another was a nursing student who could be with her in the evenings. Agencies charge much more than individuals, because they get a cut and their employees are presumably vetted and therefore trustworthy. My mother was also in rehab for a period of time, which actually had some people living there as they would in a nursing home, so that might be another option.
I sympathize with your situation, and am sending you big virtual hugs. There were many times when I felt like I was going to implode, or succumb to exhaustion trying to manage her care on my own and protect her resources. Using her assets to care for her relieved a lot of that, but it's still so hard to see a parent decline. I can imagine how being banned from seeing her, and the stress of her care is breaking your heart. I remember how I often put my own care and well being on hold. Sending healing vibes to you both.
FuzzyRabbit
(1,970 posts)TygrBright
(20,776 posts)DarthDem
(5,257 posts)May you find the strength within you to move ahead. I'm so sorry.
mahina
(17,734 posts)I take these when I feel stress getting to me beyond a safe level. Ill send you a bottle if youd like. These are the only vites that I can take even on an empty stomach which helps because I cant eat when stress has me. And I dont do supplements- except these. https://www.newchapter.com/products/perfect-calm-multivitamin/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAst2BBhDJARIsAGo2ldXcUie6lq6sCiGF8gVKiR98qtSREH2Z9gP4Xf2-P8lCi7dyC-t47KAaAoq4EALw_wcB
I would never have bought them in a million years but a friend sent me some when I was in the soup. I dont take them regularly, but when I need them, they help.
My other go-to is poi but I bet that wouldnt do much for you. Lmk if Im wrong.
Hot Epsom salts baths help. The magnesium is magic.
Remember that stress hormones can be diluted by drinking tons of water.
Put your right hand on your heart skin to skin and breathe deep. I dont know why but it helps.
Good luck sister.
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)I recently began occasionally using cannabis gummies, which both control pain and have a relaxation effect that helps me sleep. I started this after I was already staying away from the chiropractor and massage therapist for my bad back due to COVID fears,and then I got skin cancer on my scalp and wound up with staples and stitches. The gummies worked like magic, at the lowest dose which has no real "buzz," maybe about the same as a half glass of wine but with very positive effects.
I use it maybe 3 times a week, in between I use Motrin or a glass of wine to avoid overuse of anything. Though I started taking it for the cancer treatment pain, it worked amazingly well on my back pain that I'd suffered with for years.
And now, it helps with this latest stress. I'm for anything safe and legal that works, and fortunately this is legal in CA.
Good reminder on drinking lots of water when stressed; I do forget that sometimes.
mahina
(17,734 posts)Ill be thinking of you. Good luck
stage left
(2,967 posts)I am so terribly sorry for your loss and all that you are going through right now. Hugging you as hard as I can.
CaptainTruth
(6,615 posts)I wish I could do something to help...
handmade34
(22,759 posts)Hekate
(90,978 posts)Ill be thinking of you.
TreasonousBastard
(43,049 posts)Unhappily, I have no advice or assistance to offer, but I do hope you get through this.
Fla Dem
(23,845 posts)Growing old is no walk in the park. It's tough on both the parents and kids. I lost both my parents before there were any real problems with their mobility or mental abilities. But my Mom passed at way too early an age of 62. I can't imagine the anxiety and stress you're going through. I hope the days ahead are more charitable to you and your Mom.
Aristus
(66,509 posts)LisaL
(44,980 posts)Because of her dementia? Is there any way to fight that?
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)and even if we did, Mom never updated the policy for inflation so it would only cover $110 a day. The cost of skilled nursing care in our area averages around $660 a day.
To get that reinstated a doctor would have to write a letter saying she had dementia before she cancelled this in 2018. She didn't take or flunk an Alzheimer's test until 2019, though she was obviously not in her right mind for several years before that. There were two earlier doctors we've contacted; both have to dig out records from storage.
hamsterjill
(15,224 posts)I wish I could help. Wish I could waive a magic wand and make things better for everyone. Im so tired of the suffering.
Please accept a virtual hug from me, along with my prayers (as is my practice, so I hope its not offensive to you) for you, your mom and the whole situation.
Nevilledog
(51,268 posts)Ohio Joe
(21,774 posts)tblue37
(65,524 posts)Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)or at least $60,000 if sent to a board-and-care facility.
I don't know many people who would donate -- she outlived all her friends and most of her immediate family, and those left are struggling financially themselves.
But I will consider it, if this goes on much longer.
Sad to have to rely on the kindness of strangers to assure proper care for our seniors.
Liberty Belle
(9,538 posts)Some good news: She was able to walk 10 steps today with a walker and a lot of coaxing. So she may be able to get strong enough to not be bedridden. That's after days of refusing to try and take a step. She is due to get her second COVID shot today, too.
The 24/7 caregiver sitter aka "spy" we hired has been worth the money though we can't afford it much longer. She can translate when we talk to Mom through the window, and alerted us to a possible bowel obstruction that's causing Mom pain every time she has to go, which apparently is about every 15 minutes during the daytime; enemas and laxatives haven't helped so the doctor finally ordered a scan.
Mom is relatively lucid though with zero short term memory.
They moved her to a room in front of the nursing station, with a pad by the bed to lessen the chance of injury if she tries to get up on her own.
I am hoping if she can start walking and get the bowel pain solved, which is the reason she keeps trying to get up and go to the bathroom, maybe she can sleep through the night and we can scale back the number of hours the sitter has to be there, until we can come up with a better long term scenario.
She is in quarantine for another 9 days; after that she can go into the main rehab facility where there's equipment like stationary bikes to help her get stronger. Right now she can only have physical therapy in the room, which is limited.
She is still eating very little, and would probably eat nothing if not for the sitter. I think even if Mom is doing better on other things I would still hire her 5 hours a day (the minimum) for a little longer to help coax her to eat and drink, and translate for our daily visits (ie talk loudly into Mom's ear so she knows what we say to her)
The money is still an an enormous concern. Maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket; there seems to be no other way to afford the care she really needs.
Damn to hell the bastard Republicans who have blocked universal healthcare for all, which is what we sorely need.