FDA Recalls Chili Peppers, Citing That If You Chop Them And Touch Your Junk, Your Junk Will Burn
WASHINGTON—Advising consumers to check their kitchens for contamination as soon as possible, the Food and Drug Administration announced an immediate recall Wednesday of millions of U.S.-sold chili peppers after finding evidence that if you chop them and then touch your junk, your junk will burn.
“Due to the serious health threat posed by these peppers, it is vital that you not handle any slices of the affected produce prior to handling your genitalia,” said acting FDA director Janet Woodcock, adding that consumers with chili peppers in their homes should not panic, but should make sure they dispose of them properly and without delay to avoid a prolonged sensation in which their vagina or penis feels like they accidentally lit it on fire.
“This is an urgent matter of public safety: If you cut up a jalapeño, serrano, habanero, or other spicy varietal, and then, for any reason, your hand makes contact with your pubic region, that shit will sting like a motherfucker. Our agency has been working quickly to remove these peppers from the market ever since an incident in which we were just trying to make a nice panang curry for dinner and instead wound up doubled over on the floor with an absolutely scorching hot crotch. It sucked so bad.”
The FDA stressed this recall was far more serious than its recent onion recalls, noting that while most people recover from salmonella without treatment, relief from chili pepper exposure can require consumers to dip their junk into a cup of milk or, in the most severe cases, a tub of sour cream.
https://www.theonion.com/fda-recalls-millions-of-chili-peppers-citing-fact-that-1847937782
= new reply since forum marked as read
nutsack while brushing your teeth in the shower will do it.
Trust me.
In other words, don't get Crest toothpaste on your nutsack. Not even for fun.
Seriously.
But Aquafresh on my scrotum should be fine and dandy, right?
Twice 
In suppository form? I'm willing to try anything once. 
Trust me. 
Hot bacon grease and bare skin are not compatible.
I don't claim to understand the science behind it, but I'll trust my burning body's tendency to affirm this.
I guess at one point in his post office career my dad and his co-workers were issued pepper spray for dogs. Mailmen really can get attacked by a dog. My dad was only bitten 3 times though and only once did he need a tetanus shot.
My dad never used his pepper spray, he said usually he could make friends with a dog. He even had one rough collie that would join him in the morning and walk his whole route with him fending off other dogs along the way! Dad felt so bad about the dog being away from home all day, he asked the owners to keep it in after he said hi to him each day. The owners were actually ok with it but did keep him home after those first few months.
Anyway he said one day one his co-workers had used the spray on his way back toward the post office and then when he got inside and went to the restroom he set himself on fire from the residue on his hands when he touched IT. MY dad said that was probably the best reason not to use the pepper spray.
Some things you just never forget
Be a man and use Dave's Insanity Sauce. 
The kids will remember you forever!
