Disney Acquires All Of America's Children For $52 Billion
BURBANK, CA—In a landmark deal that had reportedly been in the works for months, The Walt Disney Company acquired all of America’s children Wednesday for $52 billion.
“We’ve been fans of America’s youth for a long time now, and we’re excited to finally have them join our robust portfolio of properties,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek, explaining how the nation’s 73 million adolescents would be under the complete and total control of the company as part of the historic agreement.
“All of your little boys and girls will play a key role in our strategy going forward into Q1 of next year. Of course, they’re still the kids you know and love, but they will now function as assets managed under the Disney umbrella.”
Chapek also informed the nation’s parents that they would have an opportunity to come forward and surrender their children before the company begins taking them by force.
https://www.theonion.com/disney-acquires-all-of-america-s-children-for-52-billi-1848076101