Etiquette question re: holiday get-togethers where food is served

[Orrex]

We've all seen the set-up: an array of foods set out for the gathering, with each person helping themselves to whatever they'd like, and second helpings welcome once everyone is served.

I'm sure that there are variations on this next part, but in my experience it is always always always ALWAYS a significantly older woman who insists semi-aggressively that people continue to take more and more food, no matter how many helpings they've had.

I recognize that this is a cultural/generational thing, so I try to be accommodating and will tend to indulge more than usual in order to placate the aging petitioner. But I have a limit, and after eight or nine polite assurances of "no, thank you; I've had enough," my ability to keep it together really starts to fray.

So what's the move here? I don't want to be an asshole and shout "Jesus Christ, Delores, would you please shut up about the goddamn green bean casserole?" but I also hate to keep fending off the barrage of well-meant but increasingly off-putting offers.

And this isn't a situation in which I can excuse myself--more of a captive audience sort of thing.


Thoughts?

[TreasonousBastard]

1. Throw up on the green beans and say "See?"

[Orrex]

2. Where were you when I needed you?

[TreasonousBastard]

5. Throwing up on the lima beans.

[Kali]

3. "I don't eat with you!" ???

[Orrex]

4. Wow. That'd get them talking!

[Kali]

9. were you on that thread?

https://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x5330132

[Orrex]

10. Holy moly! No, I missed that one

That's a heck of a deep cut! How did you find it? I have a lot of trouble searching for those prehistoric DU posts.

[Kali]

13. reference to it has come up a couple of times in the past week

so the other day I looked for it, took a while but the key seemed to be the simple site search and quotes around I don't drink with you, first result it was mentioned in a different thread talking about ridiculous DU flame wars. not sure why it didn't come up first on its own but could be from past glitches or the hack in 2016.

[Orrex]

14. You're showing your age! And mine too!

[Kali]

16. yeah

been a long time

[smirkymonkey]

41. OMG, I remember that.

[Enter stage left]

6. Oh goody, a etiquette question, let me answer please, please...

I've found in that exact circumstance that;

A good loud belch, followed by a really smelly fart works wonders. They never, ever bothered me again.



Of course they never invited me back again.

[Orrex]

8. So many good ideas in this thread!

I really should have asked sooner!

[Bernardo de La Paz]

11. "I've had plenty thank you and it would be a kindness if you did not ask me again today." . . nt

[Orrex]

12. Hey, that's damn classy!

I fear that it would be no deterrent for the women I'm envisioning, but I'd get full points for such a graceful refusal!

[Effete Snob]

15. Let Smith & Wesson do the talking for you

[pnwest]

17. They do that because they don't want to take aaaallll that shit back home again. They

want empty dishes to wash, no leftovers to deal with, and don't want to have to eat aaaalll that food themselves over the next four days. I bring small tupperwares and give as much of that shit away as I can. There's always 3X more food than is needed, and the cooks don't want to bring it all home again.

A simple smile and a "No, I couldn't possibly have any more, I'm done!". Also, move to another room or as far away form the food as possible. We old ladies are usually hovering around the food table trying to get rid of it, so if you're far from it, you're less of a target, LOL.

[Orrex]

18. Very practical suggestion

When I was younger it was explained to me as a two-parter:

1. It's honestly meant as a gesture of affection. I'm down with that, but--even so--that affection needs to defer to the recipient's comfort, or it starts to become less statement of love and more a show of force, however well meant.

2. For many of these older people, it's a response to their memory of Depression-era hardships that they endured, and the sharing of food is a firm rejection of that hardship and a celebration of current abundance. I'm also cool with this, but this too must yield to the recipient's comfort.

I'm sure that there are other forces driving it as well, but these two seem to cover most of my experience with it.

[Mr.Bill]

33. How about

I'm pretty full now, but if there's any left over I'd be happy to take some home.

[Scrivener7]

19. You can say "no, thank you" one more time. I am getting the impression

that Delores is the cook and/or hostess, or she likely wouldn't be pushing food on you. Delores has gone to a lot of trouble to put together the holiday get-together. It takes an astonishing amount of work.

Be nice to Delores.

[Backseat Driver]

21. I'd politely tell the hostess what a marvelous table she'd prepared and

ask for a simple "care package" so there wouldn't be so much for her to clean up; circulate a bit longer, then grab the goodies, a little of this and that, in a tray(s) I'd provide and depart to peace and quiet at home. Like, how could she refuse? The hell that she'd have three days of grazing meals plus dessert to herself!

[niyad]

22. How about, " my doctor has me on a very strict diet."

[Effete Snob]

23. Then fall to the floor and play dead

Be careful, though, because they can sense fear.

[smirkymonkey]

42. *snort*

[quaint]

24. Oh goodie, broad-brush ageism.

[Scrivener7]

25. Also, ingratitude. People knock themselves out to make

a party and it's too much to say "no thank you" civilly a few times.

[quaint]

26. Yes, and this old woman loves her leftovers.

I serve, offer once to refill and suggest they help themselves.
And I haven't made green bean casserole in at least three decades.

[Scrivener7]

27. My very young niece is the one who makes and loves the

green bean casserole. I don't care for it but would never insult her efforts by saying something mean about it.

[quaint]

28. Sometimes it's the happy traditions we taste in the dish.

Here, our applesauce must have pears, too.

[Orrex]

31. LOL @ "a few times." Yeah, F that.

Weaponized generosity is not generosity.

Days ago I witnessed one who, over the course of an evening, repeatedly insisted that a vegetarian partake of one of the several non-vegetarian dishes offered, despite the vegetarian's repeated explanation of her refusal.


I wish, in retrospect, I had posted my account of the event with the players reversed, so that DU's kneejerk high-minded crew could leap in to scold me for repeatedly forcing food on someone who'd clearly refused it.

[Scrivener7]

32. "Weaponized generosity." Over having to say, "No thank you."

Oh, the horror.

[Orrex]

34. My hyperbolic language was a match for your own and the other pearl-clutcher

It's not about saying "no thank you a few times." It's about recognizing when someone doesn't give a fuck what you actually want, and they decide instead on your behalf what you should want.

I'm sure that you would, for instance, gracefully welcome a situation in which a man repeatedly told you what you'd actually like to do.

[Scrivener7]

35. This seems to have brought up anger from a deep-seated green bean casserole trauma

for you, so I will bow out of this conversation. I hope you will find healing peace from the anguish of having been offered food.

[BlackSkimmer]

39. Lol!

Thanks for the giggle!

[Orrex]

30. Bullshit

I'm speaking directly from personal experience.

I have never once received this treatment from anyone under the age of 70.

If your experience is different, well, that's just marvelous for you.

[BlackSkimmer]

38. I know. "Significantly older woman."

Holy shit.

[Phentex]

29. I'm in the south so I just say

oh dear I couldn't possibly eat another bite as delicious as it all is!

I had to learn that my in laws eat dessert IMMEDIATELY after a meal and it was expected for me to do the same. But I'm a grown woman and can eat when I want so I'd decline and wait until I felt like it.

[True Dough]

36. I say

you change your name to Joey Chestnut and GO TO TOWN on that food, baby!!!

[hay rick]

40. Use your swear jar.

Every time you say "No, thank you!" you get to TAKE a dollar out of your swear jar. You do have a swear jar, don't you?

[RobinA]

43. I Just Keep On Moving

We don't have a big problem with this in my family, it is kind of cultural.

I once was in a wedding the Saturday after Thanksgiving so I was at the bride's house for the holiday because I lived a distance. I knew we were going to two relative's houses, but I thought that since we were eating at the first there would be no significant food at the second, we were just stopping by. I love Thanksgiving food, so I ate plenty at the first house. Then we went to the next relative and there was another total Thanksgiving spread. It was two hours after the previous meal. I could not eat a thing or things would get ugly, so I said No Thanks about 20 times. I couldn't do it and they kept trying to force me to eat. I was very afraid of appearing rude, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Who was rude here? I politely declined multiple times. They knew we had come from dinner elsewhere. They were harassing me to eat and would not stop. At which point I felt much less at fault and had the stamina to decline politely another 20 times. Finally we left.